Mephistoe Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Im not sure what Im hoping to accomplish posting this here, but just feel the overwhelming need to get this off my chest and perhaps receive some feedback/advice. Ok, I guess a bit of back story is in order, and btw, sorry in advance, this will probably be a lengthy post. The light in my life... I met her early this past year, and we instantly clicked as flirty friends. i soon found out she was in an open relationship with her spouse and had permission to get frisky with me. I know, INSTANT red flag, but I thought hey, sweet, a friend with benefits, I can handle that. So I thought. A few months later, after a fun night at the bar, and in the room, before she left, she announces that she loves me (in her own sweet way of course). This makes me realize that I too had altered my feelings from like to love and just hadn't recognized the transition. So ofc I let her know I Love her as well. A couple more months go by and things are going smooth. She calls me constantly, if not texting me, or already in my company. We spent quite a bit of time together, and then she takes it to the next level again. This time its the "In Love With You" declaration. Unlike the first time, I had been feeling that way for her for about a week, just refused to say so to avoid complicating things. Since she chose to take it to that level, I decided to admit it as well. Then one day out in town with her, she picks up a book of baby names. I freak, ask her if shes pregnant, and if so, whos? She says no, just fantasizing. Turns out she had been trying to pick names that would go well with my last name. I found this out when she asked me the next 2 questions: If I got divorced, would you marry me? OFC! Want to make a baby with me? YES! Im 35, no kids to speak of other than nephews, and rdy for that. This banter goes on back and forth infrequently over the next cpl months, then one day she puts the breaks on such talk and states that she feels guilty about having feelings for me and the talks of a life together need to stop. So they do, yet the relationship continues, and things are still going smooth. Anyhow, fast forward to just before thanksgiving.. The plot is about to thicken. She finds out that since before she even met me, her husband had been cheating on her with her best friend, and had in fact fallen in love with her and her with him. All the while they led her suspiscions to be her acting crazy and reassured her it was just paranoia. Ok, so, hes in love with her best friend, her best friend with him, and she and I are in love with eachother.. Obvious outcome there right? Hell no! She suddenly stops calling or answering me for a week while visiting family, then returns and tells me that she is not in love with me anymore, and wants to salvage her joke of a marriage. Things have been in a constant state of deterioration since then and I have no Idea what to do about it. I feel trapped, betrayed, and hopeless. The problem is, what right do I really have to want something more? Yes, I do kind of blame her. She kept taking things to the next level, until it got to the point its at now, and then just dropped me like a bad habit. Unfortunately I cant do a gd thing to shake the way i felt, and still feel about her. Im in love with someone that doesnt want to be in love with me any longer (i believe she said she isnt in love with me just to push me away, i strongly doubt she meant it). I dont know what to do. I know Im partly responsible for it all, having let myself get roped in in the first place, but placing or accepting blame/responsibility doesnt alter my emotional delimma. I feel dizzy, sick to my stomache and get the shakes just thinking about it, and yet I CANT STOP thinking about it..her..us... Well, thats the overall jist of the situation. The thought of a life without her as even a mere friend is terrifying, but trying to pretend that we are nothing more than friends while being in love with her and trying to accept that she doesn't want that, is too painful to be around her. Damned if i do, damned if i dont.
oneandone Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Its simple: girls (especially this one) want what they cant have. She lured you in, got you where she wanted you, then find out that she cant have her ex anymore and it shifted her focus. You did a good job initially of not jumping the gun on your feelings, and thats what made her initiate all the 'love' and 'future' talk. You knew what you were getting yourself into as shes in an 'open relationship' with her husband. I mean, how weird is that? The people that agree to that type of relationship are always going to be crazy, confusing, and selfish. They want their cake and eat it too. You were the victim of her game, and now shes getting a taste of her own medicine with her husband and its driving her crazy. Dont try and 'help' her figure things out, or be there for her every call. Move on as if she never existed and she'll come back around when her husband tells her hes moving on. If you're fine with playing second fiddle, than keep minimal contact and be cool about everything and just confused by the situation (not bitter!). If you have more confidence than that, which you should, than tell her shes crazy, move on, and take all your anger out at the gym.
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Make the choice of NC and you can not go wrong. Read both of the links and follow them: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
Author Mephistoe Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Hey guys, thanks for your responses. its given me alot to think about. The NC sounds good and error proof in the recovery process, yet we are on the same dart team, and I, as team captain, have obligations to the rest of my team. And to be brutally honest, despite how much I respect myself, cant seem to bring myself to shun her in such a way. I have two REAL friends, my bud and her. And my bud hardly ever wants to hang out, so really, i Have 1 person I can turn to, yet NC says I dont. She had 2 as well, me and the woman her "man" fell for, soo... Its a lose lose situation. Im not saying Im unwilling to give the advice a try and see what comes, but.. I am curious.. From the surface details I was able to provide, do you disagree that she may hap be in love with me still, despite what shes said? Just curious for an unbiased opinion, because Im fully aware that mine is Very Much Biased. Also.. despite the logic of NC... How do I go about getting past my own selfish desires? Its a novel concept, but easier said than done. And I have laid down the grounds for a perminant 'goodbye', yet cant seem to get past my own reluctance to make it stick. Its really hard to do the exact opposite of what the heart desires. *** recovery, Im ISO restitution. Christ, reality blows.. :/ Anyhow, reguardless what happens, thank you for taking the time to hear my situation and give some excellent advice. I only hope I can figure a way to make the most of it and not botch up the wisdom behind such well put advice. Yes.. She means more to me than she, or I, will ever know. I just hope he doesnt screw her over again, even though that would bring the outcome I want the most.. I cant stand the thought of her feeling the pain I currently feel.... Again..
lilbelle Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Dude, you are in serious trouble. This chick has no morals. Whats gonna happen if she ends up with you? Is she gonna starting screwing your neighbor or best friend? Where are your morales? Fantasy talk and actions are much different. This girl has been manipulated to think her pussy isn't sacred territory. Shame shame. NC and move on. This is way too much drama and alot of hurt is headed your way.
delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, let's go easy on the "morals" thing. Love happens. Sometimes it even happens in complicated ways. I think she probably loves you, but she's been with her husband a long time, and the power of knowing he fell in love with someone else turned her upside down. And her best friend, even. As hard as it is, I think you've got to step back as much as you possibly can. Try to sort of protect yourself and wait it out. Then if eventually she comes back to you in some way, either because it didn't work out with her husband or she's found some other kind of workable arrangement, you'll have your answer. In the meantime though, it's waaayyyyy too messy, right? People in successful non-monogamous situations are incredibly mature, communicative, and respectful of all parties, and these people don't seem to be doing it too well. Gently back away from the clusterf*ck. Do some magical ritual or something to make it bearable to be around her if you have to, but try to put a bit of a bubble around yourself until this madness dies down. You know?
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