JBaker Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I initiated NC a few days ago. She called me Friday and I was able to politely inform her that I agree with her that we needed space and that we should not be in contact for awhile. Her first reaction was to ask if I had met someone else. She asked three or four times, and I assured her that I had not. That I just needed time to get myself together (because I have to finish out the semester and I have to put things together to apply to graduate schools). She seemed a bit confused, because we have been broken up for about three or four weeks but remained in contact. The first week and a half I did the begging/pleading thing. Obviously that didn't work and made things worse. After that, I was better behaved. I'm posting this hoping for some general advice and to get my thoughts/feelings out of my head. I'll post a few general ideas about the relationship/breakup. We were together for about three and a half years. We were a great couple. We never really fought, we were good for each other, and had/have a very strong bond. I'm sure most of the people here feel the same way about their relationships when I say that we had a special connection. It hurts to know that after a few bad weeks she is willing to throw it all away without working for us. Anyway, she is a first year medical student. This semester has been a transition period for us both in that regard. She is transitioning into the huge workload and to not being the best, and I was transitioning into seeing less and less of her. The first few months went well. I was generally supportive and picked up the slack around the house. Then a particularly busy couple of weeks came up for her that I didn't handle as well as I should have. I got upset, let her know it, and things didn't go very well. After a fight and the realization that I was being irrational and unsupportive, I went back to being better for about a week. But it was too late, it would seem. She told me she needed space - time to think about the relationship and some time to herself. She told me I was adding too much stress and distraction to her life. She wanted time to find out if she missed me, she wanted to think clearly about whether she wanted to go through med school alone - that perhaps it would be easier on her. She wanted to break up for awhile, then get together after the semester was over and she had time to think clearly. It sounded more like she wanted a break and not a breakup. However, she said breaks are ridiculous, and that we should just breakup completely. During the talk I was okay with it. It took an hour or two for it to really sink in. Then I began the pleading and attempts to persuade her that we can work out this seemingly little issue. After about a week and a half of being generally on good terms with a few mistakes on my part I finally stopped with the pleading and persuading. We were on good terms for the next few weeks. I moved out of the house we own together. We remained in contact - both of us contacting each other about an equal amount of time. Either she would tell me about her doing well on a test; or that she was feeling overwhelmed or feeling sad. I would find some excuse to contact her without bring up us or the breakup (ie. something about my brother's baby, school, etc.). I was/am pretty miserable with the situation. For the first time a few days ago I heard about NC. I heard about how good it is for myself (in moving forward with my life) and in letting her know what she may soon lose forever. So I stopped contacting her. She has been busy, of course, and didn't contact me either. Friday she called to tell me how her test went and to make small talk because we hadn't talked for awhile. After a few minutes of this I informed her (as mentioned above). It didn't last long at all. She called me last night upset because she failed her first test ever. We talked for a little under an hour and I did what I could to make her feel better. She called me a few hours later still "freaking out" but not as much. We talked for awhile and I got her mind off of it a little bit. Does anyone here have any thoughts/advice?
NopeNah Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 For someone that adds too much stress to her life to continue the relationship-YOU. She doesn't seem to care at all to bring her stress on your life? Odd and selfish.
Author JBaker Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Selfish would be a good word for that, and her reaction to the situation in general (not trying to work things out first). She is not intrinsically selfish, though. I don't mind being there for her. I'm still holding on to hope that we will reconcile. Should I not have spoken with her?
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Since she said she wanted time to find out if she missed you, go ahead and maintain the NC. Med school and stress are no excuses for being selfish. If she really wants you back, she knows where to find you. Being supportive is good and all but it seems that they don't usually take that into consideration when initiating breakups.
Author JBaker Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I have no plans of contacting her. But should I respond if she calls? Should I talk to her if she is feeling low?
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Talking to her isn't going to make her miss you, she'll just get used to this arrangement and before soon, you're relegated into the friend zone.
Author JBaker Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I've reached somewhat of a decision, though I'd like to hear your thoughts. Her semester ends on Thursday. She informed me before that she needed to have a clear head to be able to make any decision about us. That would come about after the semester is over. So I feel like I should allow her to call me this week and after her final tests (she'll definitely call). After that I would go into NC. What I think this shows is that I am supportive and there for her during medical school. It also shows that I am able to give her the necessary space to make her decision about us after the semester ends. I figure, what harm could taking two or three more phone calls from her as long as I keep them relatively short and offer her a little bit of support. After that, she'll have the chance to miss me or finalize the break over Christmas Break. What do you think?
oneandone Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 If she contacts you, definitely respond. But dont respond right away. Wait a day or TWO to return her call or text. Make up something how you were busy and out with friends as why you didnt answer. Let her hit up your voicemail and send a few texts of frustration before you contact her back. She'll start stressing that you've moved on and this will help her put her feelings back in perspective for how much she needs you in her life and how happy you made her (especially if school is kicking her ass also). Just be brief when contacting her like you always have something going on or somewhere to go, be cool and not bitter about the situation, and start focusing on moving on.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Do not be available every time she wants you. You're not giving her a chance to miss you, at all. If she actually has to MISS you now and again when she tries to call you, she's going to start wondering what's up with you and what fun stuff you could possibly be up to. I separated from my XH before filing for divorce. I asked him for space. I was trying to get my head on straight. He was waaaaaaay too available and it was a huge turn-off. Do NOT contact her and be available minimally when she contacts you. Believe it or not, you're not showing how "sweet" and "caring" and "supportive" you are - you are showing what a great doormat you make and she will continue to wipe her feet on you until one day she walks away for good. By showing her that you respect YOURSELF, you show that you make a good partner, believe it or not. I hated being married to a doormat. He had other issues, but doormat was a big one. There's nothing sexy about it.
Author JBaker Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 You make some good points. I wouldn't want to be a doormat, whether it makes me appear attractive or not. I am generally not the doormat type. But when you put my being there for her in those words I can see that it certainly seems as though I was being a doormat. Allowing myself to be there for her when she rejected me and our relationship... blah. After I read the thread about breakup excuses I got to thinking about our breakup. Do people here think that she was letting me down easy? I keep going back and forth on this issue. She said she wanted to have time when things weren't so overwhelming to think about whether she wanted to go about med school alone, or whether she wanted to reconcile. She said she wanted to meet at some later date (over christmas break) to discuss it. Then when I told her that I didn't want to be in contact (which didn't last a day) she seemed against it, worried that I had met someone else, and started to say something like "I knew this was going to happen." That leads me to believe she is not sure if she wants the breakup to be permanent. At the same time, people here have me convinced that these words may just be letting me down easy. It seems that it is rare, or non-existent, that someone actually means it when they say that they need space to think about things. So was it a load of BS?
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 JB - When I told my XH I needed space, I meant it. Not permanently. I just needed him to get out of my face for a little bit so I could decide whether or not my life would be worth it without him in it (harsh way of putting it, perhaps, but true). So it honestly could go either way. I would not say with 100% surety that she is done with you. But give her exactly what she asked for - space. It's the only way for her to see what she's missing out on.
Author JBaker Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I agree completely. I felt from the beginning that she was telling the truth about it. I just got a little worried when I read the thread and everyone seemed so confident that there is no such thing. Also, I don't think that was putting it too harshly. That is precisely what is going on. She is deciding whether or not her life would be better/easier without me in it while she is in medical school. That is almost exactly the way she said it. Thanks for the advice. I do plan on giving her her space and keeping out of contact until she wants to meet up to discuss the breakup (like she had said she wants to do). Do you have any other advice for me during this period? Since you have been on her end of precisely this situation - do you have any more good insights/advise? What you have given so far has been great.
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