ann09 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) How do you say goodbye to someone you have loved deeply for years? Someone that has been the only thing on your mind - last thing when going to bed - first thing in the morning. How do you stop caring for them and worrying about them? How do you not pick up the phone and call them? If they were your only true best friend and one you leaned on - where do you turn to? If they were the only thing that mattered in your life - what do you do? My story is a long one - I won't get into it. Just preparing myself mentally for having to say goodbye to the only thing that is important in my life. Does the no contact thing make you miss them less or does it make it harder? Sort of - out of sight/out of mind I suppose. Edited December 6, 2009 by ann09 spelling
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You never stop loving and caring for that special person if you had truly loved. It is never easy to let go and the pain from doing so is excruciating. In time, the pain will die and the love you have will be tucked deep inside your heart. There will be someone else you will come to love, until then stay strong. N.C doesn't make you miss them less nor make it harder. It saves you from further agony. Every contact you try to make will only delay your healing. Each call you make causes more pain, each unanswered email you send causes more disappointment, each time you see them reminds you of what you have lost. The most important thing now is to focus on healing and move on from this debilitating state. Your life is yours and no one elses, take control of it not be controlled by it.
USMCHokie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Time. It's the only healthy way to "say goodbye" as you put it...it's not a light switch that you simply turn off...it's a gradual process that takes time...and no contact really does help with that process...at first, you may miss them like crazy and it doesn't get any better for a while...but in the long run, you will heal and your life will go on...you just have to have faith in it and get through the tough times without breaking... You said that he was the only important thing in your life...you need to change that attitude...if you approach every relationship making your partner the most important thing in your life, they will all be doomed to fail...YOU should be the most important thing in your life... You said that nothing else matters in your life anymore...you need to fix that...find things about yourself that matter to you...if you can't find happiness on your own, no one is going to find that happiness for you... Those who make their relationships the only thing important in their life end up sucking the life out of their relationships and dragging their partners down...healthy relationships consist of two people that both contribute their individuality to that relationship...they may be a single unit, but at the end of the day, they're still two individual people...with individual interests, goals, and aspirations...it's the meshing of these individual desires that makes good relationships...
Devil Inside Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Saying goodbye to someone like this is very hard to do. It will hurt. You will feel like a part of you has died. There really is no easy or right way to do this. However, even if it takes awhile, you will feel better. One day you will wake up and they won't be the first thing on your mind. One day you will wake up and realize you didn't think about them all day yesterday. One day you will hear a song or see an old picture and it will not be accompanied by a sick and depressed feeling. It won't happen overnight...but it will happen. Hold on to the fact that it can only get better. NC is going to make it harder at first...but long term it will make the healing process move along much faster. Early in a break up you will be very vulnerable and having contact will open the wound over and over. You need time for your wound to scab up and heal...that is what NC does for you. Ironic thing is...it is so hard, and it will make you want to reach out for the comfort of the person you are NC from. So make sure that you prepare yourself for NC. There are many excellent threads here at LS about that topic. Love yourself first. Be kind to yourself...hang in there..it will get better...remember that always.
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 If they were the only thing that mattered in your life - what do you do? . First understand you have to make YOURSELF the thing that matters to you your life. Focus on doing that and all your other question will answer themselves. Sorry about your loss, congratulations on your journey of finding this great new person...YOU. It is going to be a bumpy ride but so worth it.
Author ann09 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Thank you all. Comforting words. I agree - every email that will go unanswered will only be setting myself up for disappointment. I have done this in the past and hate myself for it. Heartbreak has to be the worst feeling ever.
Devil Inside Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Thank you all. Comforting words. I agree - every email that will go unanswered will only be setting myself up for disappointment. I have done this in the past and hate myself for it. Heartbreak has to be the worst feeling ever. Yes Ann...it can be horrible. You mention above that you have been through this before. I imagine most people have been through heartbreak more than once. Think back to those times...you never thought you would be okay again...right? Well you made it through then...you will again. Also, as Grey Clouds said...see this as an opportunity for growth. A chance to get to know who you are.
cdt76 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I sit here this morning in the same state. Crying, wondering, scared, alone. Scared because if I let go and say goodbye, really say goodbye, will I ever find those feelings that I had for her? I will be completely alone. The rift created in my life because of what happened has effected me personally, professionally, emotionally and financially. I once started over with nothing a few years ago. Built a nice little life and she wrecked it, almost completely. Why I want her back I have no idea but I truly loved her and now, I'm in a situation of starting completely over in a new city, surrounded by millions with no familiar faces. I don't want to start over again. I worked hard to build my life and it was good and now all I can think about is her and how so much good has been sucked out of the nice little life I had. I no longer trust anyone, not co-workers, not friends, not even family. I can write you off and never speak to you again without a second thought. But what I can't seem to do is write her off and I don't know why? So if I truly say goodbye. Where will I be? I'm emotionally a wreck. Last night in a bar full of people, I wanted to be home and alone because smiling was too hard. I'm a broken man with broken dreams and a broken heart. Saying goodbye means she wins. That giving up is better to do than to fight for something that was so good. Saying goodbye means accepting that what we had was probably a lie in the first place. Saying goodbye means the love in my heart will disappear and might not come back and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the compulsion to sing to her and I don't want to lose the desire to feel my heart jump out of my chest each time I see her or think of her. But it is not my choice. I've done everything I can. And so I cry. I sit her, dying a little inside, knowing the inevitable will come and I hate it and I don't want to go on. I cry for the first time in a while and the only souls I have to help me are here on LS. Over the last 6 months I have not wanted to let her go. I have not wanted to maintain NC and I have not wanted to put her face and memories out of my head. I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting and being overwhelmed by the sadness but I question myself. Am I running away? Am I giving up my life that I built to move away and start over because of them? I'm not a quitter and never have been and quitting on this love is the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe I can't quit nor say goodbye. I just know something has to change or I am doomed.
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 cdt76, most of us here were or are in the same predicament. I daresay none of us wanted to let go but alas, the choice is not ours. They chose to leave, destroying all that has been and all that could be. There is nothing left except pain and despair. The only way out is to move on. Moving on is not quitting, it is fighting to find a new place which truly belongs to you. We loved them and still do. They were all we ever wanted but no one, not even them has the right to put us through such agony. If we don't start loving ourselves, how come anybody ever love us? Letting go is never easy but we owe it to ourselves to do so. The world is moving on and so are they. It is time you do so as well.
cdt76 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 cdt76, most of us here were or are in the same predicament. I daresay none of us wanted to let go but alas, the choice is not ours. They chose to leave, destroying all that has been and all that could be. There is nothing left except pain and despair. The only way out is to move on. Moving on is not quitting, it is fighting to find a new place which truly belongs to you. We loved them and still do. They were all we ever wanted but no one, not even them has the right to put us through such agony. If we don't start loving ourselves, how come anybody ever love us? Letting go is never easy but we owe it to ourselves to do so. The world is moving on and so are they. It is time you do so as well. You are right but part of my problem is that in this process, I too was destroyed. Almost completely. Part of me doesn't want to go on anymore or risk this again. I'm not the same person and I don't know who I am becoming. I just want to lay in bed and let death take me because the pain hurts too much.
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Where there is life, there is hope, you are a fighter, do not let the pain and despair overcome you. You have built a new life from scratch before, you can do it again. It sounds impossible but you have the will to make it happen.
soheartbroken Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 cdt76. I'm sorry for your pain. What have you been doing in these 6 months? I'm sorry I do not know/remember your story. Have you tried taking a grief support class? Sometimes offered through a church...
cdt76 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 cdt76. I'm sorry for your pain. What have you been doing in these 6 months? I'm sorry I do not know/remember your story. Have you tried taking a grief support class? Sometimes offered through a church... I've tried isolating myself to my family and people who are good friends. But it's empty. I was in therapy for a bit. I'm on medication which helps. Took up boxing. Exercise a lot. Nothing helps.
TheLoneSock Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 How do you say goodbye to someone you have loved deeply for years? Someone that has been the only thing on your mind - last thing when going to bed - first thing in the morning. How do you stop caring for them and worrying about them? How do you not pick up the phone and call them? If they were your only true best friend and one you leaned on - where do you turn to? If they were the only thing that mattered in your life - what do you do? My story is a long one - I won't get into it. Just preparing myself mentally for having to say goodbye to the only thing that is important in my life. Does the no contact thing make you miss them less or does it make it harder? Sort of - out of sight/out of mind I suppose. Just do what my ex did a long time ago. Fake indifference until you actually are indifferent. Fake it till' you make it.
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I've tried isolating myself to my family and people who are good friends. But it's empty. I was in therapy for a bit. I'm on medication which helps. Took up boxing. Exercise a lot. Nothing helps. Try this book; The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life
adamt Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) When we broke up I felt lost,empty,devastated,heart broken, convinced we would get back together because we are meant to be together. I couldnt focus on my work fro a few weeks. woukld break down at work, would cry in my car, i wanted answers,why this..,why that..,what caused her to change..,when did she change..,could i fix where i was going wrong..,why didnt she just talk to me sooner..i felt that once the mist clears we would be back together..so i went NC, started to accept i wouldnt get answers..kept my busy and 6 months on i still have strong feelings for her but they are in teh back of my mind and i am learning to keep them there and focus on other things..now i am dipping my toe in the water and started dating again...you just have to force yourself to get on with yourlife. be selfish and put yourself first. no one else can fix you! Edited December 6, 2009 by adamt
LovelyDaze Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I hate this but I know that it's letting go. Best way to say goodbye. I want so desperately to hang on and see if my ex and I can work it out again. I try not to dwell on the good times because it doesn't matter to HIM anymore at all. I still have feelings for him...we all do for our exes, but when he left me..THAT was my ex's godbye to me right then and there. My goodbye has to be from NC and having time to learn who, what and where I am in my life. You can't be good to anyone else if you can't be good to yourself. Something I am learning to do everyday is to look out for Number 1 for a change.
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Cant get off the coach and get on with life I said the same thing to my therapist and he said "take your time, I just bought a new house and my wife is a shopper. "
Author ann09 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Thank you everyone. selfishly, it's nice to know I am not alone in feeling like this.
adamt Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Thinking about it, my goodbye was the day she broke up with me and walked out of my house. I was in tears but I said all I could to get her to have 2nd thoughts and work things out. She knew my true feelings and i couldnt say anymore without looking sad and desperate. As soon she left and i shut the door i went onto my bed and didnt move until the next morning. I was messed up then. Things would never be the same even if we got back together.
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