5 years...

[jose resh]

Where to start...

I guess a bit about myself im 27 and my ex was 29. We were in a very committed relationship before our lives got in the way and we both really didn't have time for each other. But let me start from the beginning.

 

In the middle of the fall semester she ended it in what i felt was a very abrupt and sudden manner. We had been having a difficult time with where we both saw our lives heading after school (she wanted kids and I wanted to finish and then figure out what I wanted). In particular there were two conversations that we had which really hurt her. One in which we discussed that it would be a good time to get married a year later (after which she told her friend that we WERE getting married then) and I got upset that she would tell her friend this as it wasn't what we had discussed. Don't get me wrong I wanted to get married but felt like she was upset that we hadn't already done so. I would have been fine with getting married a year later or earlier then that as I told her. I believe that I also told her that I felt like I was being rushed into it which is totally not how I felt (i have difficulty expressing my feelings to people especially when i am put on the spot). She got very upset and slept on the couch that night which was the first time that she had ever done this. The next day she called at work and I apparently told her that i was too busy to talk. That night we talked and I felt that the situation was resolved and we moved on to our other big disagreement.

 

This one involved a discussion about children which we had obviously talked about before. She wanted them earlier then I would have thought (in the next 2 years). My inability to express my true feelings got the best of me again as i felt taken aback at her timeframe for having children. I then said one of the stupidest things ive ever said "im not even sure if I want to have kids" when I really do and simply am not ready and won't be in the next few years. She told me that kids were non negotiable and that they were the most important thing to her (which really hurt as she was the most important thing in my life). In later conversations we discussed this and once again I felt that the situation had been resolved. The only issue that still lingered was when we would have kids.

 

As I write this I now realize that this never really did get resolved and it actually led to our eventual separation and finally to the point that we are now at with me moving out of our shared apartment. Both of us feel utterly heartbroken and I keep feeling that if we simply had more time together and were actually fully able to work through this issue it could have been easily resolved. At this point it seems like it is as she said "too little too late". I keep trying to figure out if there is anything that I could possibly do at this point to win her back as we were an amazing couple despite these differences. I felt that no matter what we would be able to work through them. I just finished school and am now simply overcome with regret, and sadness at the loss of my true love. What's even harder is that I drove her away.

 

We have talked about it more recently...some conversations we seem to be able to remain friends. In others I find myself begging for a second chance. No matter what I say now it doesn't matter as the hurt has already been done. I guess that we both simply need time to recover. Sometimes I feel this way and others I feel like if I were just able to explain how sorry I am for making her feel like this was her only option she would understand and take me back. I want desperately to call her and explain how much I love her and how committed I am to her. We tried LC (she would come and get stuff from the apartment from time to time) for a while but I broke it when she said she "missed her friend" in an email.

 

I was planning on proposing this winter and am wondering if this may change her mind? I know that she is miserable from all the hurt, as I am, how can we both be so devastated by this and yet be unable to resolve it? I guess that the pain has already been inflicted...as she said "too little too late". Does this have any chance of working out or should I do as she suggests and move on? I'm devastated and would give anything for a second chance but she believes that people don't change. If i were to propose as planned and by some miracle actually be able to express how I am feeling would that help the situation? Or do I really just need to give it time / learn from my mistakes and move on?

 

Any thoughts or advice would be amazing Thanks

 

Sorry about the length...it helps to write about it.

Edited December 6, 2009 by jose resh

[Torn_apart]

We tried LC (she would come and get stuff from the apartment from time to time) for a while but I broke it when she said she "missed her friend" in an email.

 

What do you mean by she said she missed her friend?

[jose resh]

I asked her what she meant by "I miss my friend". She said it was just that, she really missed our freindship. Of course that is a very painful thing to hear although I was encouraged by her missing me.

Edited December 6, 2009 by jose resh

[Torn_apart]

What was her reply when you begged for 2nd chance?

 

In any case,being onlookers, its very difficult for to predict what her reaction will be but people don't just fall out of love all of a sudden. Since there wasn't any other external factors involved, I would say that she still loves you.

 

Proposing to her might just be the thing to save your relationship but she needs to see your sincerity. It sounds like she is a strong willed person and will be hard to convince. Think of what you want to say and write it down, read it through and know it well.

 

On the other hand, you need to be prepared for the worst scenario, it will be painful but will give you the closure needed to move on.

 

Just my 2cents.

[jose resh]

First of all thank you for the Advice

 

What was her reply when you begged for 2nd chance?

She started to cry and said that she felt that she had already given it to

me. Obviously it was very difficult for her to break up with me so I have to believe that she really does feel like she tried everything that she could in order to make it work and simply didn't see things changing.

 

In any case,being onlookers, its very difficult for to predict what her reaction will be but people don't just fall out of love all of a sudden. Since there wasn't any other external factors involved, I would say that she still loves you.

I agree we definitely still love each other which is why it is so hard, how could something that makes both of us so unhappy really be the right answer?

 

Since there wasn't any other external factors involved, I would say that she still loves you.

Once again I agree. The only question is how do we go back to being a part of each others lives again. Or if it is best to simply start to heal and try to move on. She really wants to remain close friends but I simply cannot do that right now. It is far too painful.

Proposing to her might just be the thing to save your relationship but she needs to see your sincerity. It sounds like she is a strong willed person and will be hard to convince. Think of what you want to say and write it down, read it through and know it well.

She is definitely a strong willed person and would be very hard to convince. She has already told me that there is nothing that I could do to change her mind. Maybe she simply doesn't want to tell me to propose to her, or maybe she really just wants to move on. I'm not sure. I wish that I could read her mind.

 

On the other hand, you need to be prepared for the worst scenario, it will be painful but will give you the closure needed to move on.

You're right it would be painful but at least then I would know that I had tried everything and could more easily move on. On the other hand why not actually maintain NC, and simply try to heal myself, and see if she misses me enough to give me the second chance Ive already asked for? Edited December 6, 2009 by jose resh

[Torn_apart]

This is a very delicate situation you're in and it will have a great impact on your life no matter the outcome. I have to stress that as onlookers, we do not know the full story and can only analyze what you have provided us with, therefore, whatever we say should only serve to give you new insights into the issue and not be what you base your actions on.

 

Having said that, let me try weigh your 2 options.

 

You have confirmed that both of you still love each other but yet she decided to leave you. That is because she thinks that you cannot or are unwilling to provide her with what she needs and that you are unwilling to make an effort.

 

First and foremost, you need to ask yourself if you are able to give her what she needs and whether she is really who you want to spend your life with. Be objective, do not allow feelings to cloud your judgment. If you are unable, then NC is the answer for you.

 

Now based on your understanding of her, is she a person who changes her decisions easily, especially when it is an important one? Certainly, it is a possibility that she might cave in to her feelings and considers giving you another chance, what is equally possible is that she might go on a rebound relationship. N.C will save you a lot more agony but can you live your life with a 'what if'?

 

For the proposal to even have a chance of succeeding, she needs to see that you are indeed making an effort and not acting impetuously. I got a feeling that just flowers and a ring isn't going to work.

 

This is a very difficult decision to make and I don't envy you for it. I wish you all the best.

[jose resh]

This is a very delicate situation you're in and it will have a great impact on your life no matter the outcome. I have to stress that as onlookers, we do not know the full story and can only analyze what you have provided us with, therefore, whatever we say should only serve to give you new insights into the issue and not be what you base your actions on.

I totally realize this and agree. I am not going to do anything unless I feel like it is the best option.

 

You have confirmed that both of you still love each other but yet she decided to leave you. That is because she thinks that you cannot or are unwilling to provide her with what she needs and that you are unwilling to make an effort.

She told me originally that she didn't feel the same way about me and didn't know when or if it would ever change. I have tried to convince her that I just needed to get through school before being able to focus on our life together. She is still obviously extremely hurt by all of this and its not just out of pity for my feelings. We both had a lot vested in the relationship working out, after five years how could you not?

 

First and foremost, you need to ask yourself if you are able to give her what she needs and whether she is really who you want to spend your life with. Be objective, do not allow feelings to cloud your judgment. If you are unable, then NC is the answer for you.

I am completely able to give her what she needs, especially now that I have the time to do it. She definitely is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Now based on your understanding of her, is she a person who changes her decisions easily, especially when it is an important one?

The difficulty for me with her has always been her strong reliance on her feelings as a guide for her life. When she feels a certain way she usually acts upon that feeling. As far as whether or not she would change her mind that is entirely up to how she feels about me. If she is wanting a strong commitment and doesn't specifically want to tell me this then yes she would change her mind. Otherwise No.

For the proposal to even have a chance of succeeding, she needs to see that you are indeed making an effort and not acting impetuously. I got a feeling that just flowers and a ring isn't going to work.

you're definitely right about that.

 

This is a very difficult decision to make and I don't envy you for it. I wish you all the best.

Thank you again for your comments.

 

Another question if you would indulge me further: Should I call her best friend and try to ask her if there is any possibility of this working out or if I should just move on? I asked if there was anything I could do and she (ex) said "No." Earlier she said that it may work out at some point but not right now. She also at one point that she Loves me but isn't in love with me...man that was a tough one to hear. Try to move on or be doubly sure??? This is such a difficult decision. I don't envy myself either.

Edited December 6, 2009 by jose resh

[Kantor]

So i just read your story, and wow. I feel like I wrote that, for the most part.

 

With some small changes, my story matches yours.

 

Im going to suggest a book called, He's scared, She's scared by Stephen Carter.

 

Its a book about commitment issues.

 

It may not speak to you as it did to me, as I don't know all the details. Its helped me learn about my faults and how to grow from them.

 

As far as the contact goes, don't do too much, too fast.

 

However, don't do too little either, because you love her and want her back so badly.

 

My ex is in NC with me, but, I left her with a text explaining exactly how I felt and what I wanted in life. Tried to show the progress I've made, and the progress I am going to continue to make.

 

While it has not worked out for me, it left me knowing I was holding nothing back and it was up to her now.

 

Good luck, I feel your pain, it sucks.

[jose resh]

They are similar. I believe it is quite different having broken up with the one you find that you truly love and having been broken up with. Is the book you suggested about more then commitment phobes? Because to tell the truth It is not that I am afraid of commitment at all, we had discussed getting married and all that but after she started school she changed and wanted a commitment sooner. I never understood this, If I had then It could have all been avoided. Im not afraid of commitment Im a poor communicator. lol.

 

As far as the contact goes, don't do too much, too fast. However, don't do too little either, because you love her and want her back so badly.

What would you say is a happy middle ground?

 

Maybe I should send a similar text or email explaining exactly how I feel and what I want in life. Tell her that ive made mistakes, and will work diligently to improve myself. This would definitely help me feel that there was nothing more that I could do or say. Although I am still trying to figure out If a proposal has any chance (although I am slowly giving up on that idea).

 

Thanks for the Input, and I hope that you can start to heal.

[name witheld]

Hi jose.

This sounds very similar to my situation.

I too was planning on proposing during the winter (at xmas no less!).

 

There is one thing that you may have overlooked - maybe her feelings have changed. Not a nice idea to contend with but it is something you should be wary of. She may have realised that her feelings were not right anymore (hence she says there is nothing you can do) and gotten scared about getting married/kids etc and gotten crazy about it.

Could be she now feels more than ever she wants those, but is aware its not with you.

I hope not though but because of that you will have to be careful.

 

it is a difficult situation because everythig is so finely balanced, main thing is that you have to make sure she comes to you. I don't mean ignore her, but there has to be a balance or you will just push her away whether she loves you or not.

 

If she does come to you then she will most likely bring up parts of the relationship she was unhappy with. You have to be able to respond to this honestly and sincerely. Now here is the catch, if you have not healed enough you will just agree to whatever she says (ie through NC!!). Its good to be able to listen but if there is something you don't agree with then you shouldn't be taking all the blame as it takes two people to break up a relationship.

I don't think that NC is right for you though.

What I would suggest then is just taking a step back and letting her contact you. Reduce and minimise your contact to her. Take it slowly from there.

Its not clear how long you have been broken up so maybe you have had time to do some healing.

[name witheld]

Hi jose.

There is one thing that you may have overlooked - maybe her feelings have changed. Not a nice idea to contend with but it is something you should be wary of. She may have realised that her feelings were not right anymore (hence she says there is nothing you can do) and gotten scared about getting married/kids etc and gotten crazy about it.

Could be she now feels more than ever she wants those, but is aware its not with you.

I hope not though but because of that you will have to be careful.

 

Jose, as it turns out this was the case with me. Her feelings have changed. I had considered it but did not think that was it, so I overlooked it I suppose.

 

How did yours turn out?