Just found out Mum is having affair, tell Dad?

[Boundary Problem]

It isn't like watching a murder.

 

My dad cheated on my mom all the time.

 

They are now totally happy and retired and couples can move beyond cheating. They live in a really small retirement community so he now has zero opportunity.

 

I don't think either of them is particularly "thrilled" with the other, but they have been married 40+ years.

 

I know my dad cheated. But I never said a word to my mom.

 

 

I know that she knew over time and it caused a lot of pain in their marriage. I cannot describe the pain it caused my mother. Pain I never want to see in another person.

 

 

It was absolutely none of my business. I'm glad I stayed out of it.

 

Imagine if every time my mom looked at me, she thought about a conversation where I told her about dad's wrong-doings. I want my mom to see me as her daughter. Not as the 'messenger' for someone else's narcissistic behaviour.

[Samantha0905]

I thought it would be best to approach my father first and show him what I found, and let him make the decision on what steps to take next. I feel like he's the one being victimized in the situation, my mother is betraying him by having the affair and it was natural for me to take his side. It's like knowing he's heading for a train wreck, and by telling him and ending the pain sooner rather than later wouldn't stop the train but it would deflect the blow a little.

 

By telling my mother I know about the affair won't change anything, she would only try harder to hide it and the affair would continue. Our relationship would be strained from that point forward - which is also true if she found out I told my father, if i chose to do so. It seems like telling her I found out about the affair wouldn't do any good, which is why I don't think it's a good idea.

 

If I do tell my mum I know, I would feel somehow compelled to also tell my father. If my mother and I both know she's involved with another man it's like we're teaming up against dad, which I just can't live with.

 

Well, do what you're bound and determined to do then. Perhaps you will find out all sorts of things............ You're determined your father is the victim.

 

I stand by my recommendation to talk to your mother.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I thought it would be best to approach my father first and show him what I found, and let him make the decision on what steps to take next. I feel like he's the one being victimized in the situation, my mother is betraying him by having the affair and it was natural for me to take his side. It's like knowing he's heading for a train wreck, and by telling him and ending the pain sooner rather than later wouldn't stop the train but it would deflect the blow a little.

By telling my mother I know about the affair won't change anything, she would only try harder to hide it and the affair would continue. Our relationship would be strained from that point forward - which is also true if she found out I told my father, if i chose to do so. It seems like telling her I found out about the affair wouldn't do any good, which is why I don't think it's a good idea.

If I do tell my mum I know, I would feel somehow compelled to also tell my father. If my mother and I both know she's involved with another man it's like we're teaming up against dad, which I just can't live with.

 

You have a right to be protective of your father! So, nobody can say this isn't your business. However, it isn't your job to tell him. You should not bear that emotional burden... nor should you be forced to tattle on your mom.

 

You need to sit your mom down and tell her what you know and that you plan to share that info with your dad in a week if she doesn't.

[knowstoomuch]

Seems like keeping everything to myself is the best option I have at this point.

 

It's not right to tell my mother I know and ruin a relationship with her, one that I don't want to lose.

 

Not a good idea to tell dad either - I'm surprised I am typing this because I was all for telling him 24 hours ago. It's just not my secret to tell. I do see him as a victim but maybe there is fault on his end that I am not aware of..

 

But keeping to myself is damaging as well - I feel as though I am betraying my father and condoning adultery. Also not good.

 

If anything positive comes out of this, it will be that I won't have an affair because I see how it can tear people you love to shreds.

[2sunny]

I thought it would be best to approach my father first and show him what I found, and let him make the decision on what steps to take next.

 

to tell your Dad first would be worse. IF you talk to anyone - you should be going directly to your Mom... otherwise she will view this as going behind her back or betrayal on your part.

 

IF you approach anyone with what you know - i vote to go directly to her.

[knowstoomuch]

You need to sit your mom down and tell her what you know and that you plan to share that info with your dad in a week if she doesn't.

 

Hmm ... not sure this is even an option.. That would force me to threaten my mother and basically scare her into admitting it to my father. She would resent me forever for that.

 

Plus it gives her time to think of a way to lie herself right out of it, make up a story to tell my father and possibly convince him that I'm lying.

 

It does sound good in theory though, if everything went as planned and she felt remorse for the affair and confessed.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's emotional murder BP whether you realize it or not!!!

 

The mother is cheating on the father and it's not right!

 

Either way it needs to end. So I would tell, stop the procrasinations and just tell...

[scorpmale001]

KTM,

 

people who are telling not to tell are either cheated on their So or H...so u know their advise

 

"1. Why did your mom fall out of love with your dad?

2. How often do your mom and dad have sex?

3. Does your dad support your mom emotionally all the time?

4. Did your dad responsive to your mom's carnal desires in bed?

 

do you want me to keep going?"

give me 100 reasons. those are excuses and does that justify anything?

 

if it was your father who is cheating then they will tell you the exact opposite thing to do(now they might say, they would say the same thing even if it was your father)...

 

it's going to be the double betrayal if you shut your mouth...if your father is most forgiving person then talk to him...if not talk your mother but this s*** has to be stopped...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hmm ... not sure this is even an option.. That would force me to threaten my mother and basically scare her into admitting it to my father. She would resent me forever for that.

Plus it gives her time to think of a way to lie herself right out of it, make up a story to tell my father and possibly convince him that I'm lying.

It does sound good in theory though, if everything went as planned and she felt remorse for the affair and confessed.

 

What kind of mom do you have? She would stop loving you if you asked her to do the right thing?

 

I'm not saying make a hard threat. I'm saying go to her and ask her very nicely to tell your Dad whats up.

 

If she tried to paint you a liar then she is a total piece of crap! What kind of mom would throw her own child under the bus like that? Besides... if you print the emails... you got proof.

 

Your goal should be 100% to get this off your emotional plate without taking sides.

 

How is your dad going to react if he finds out you knew a year before him? Suck.

[knowstoomuch]

KTM,

 

people who are telling not to tell are either cheated on their So or H...so u know their advise

 

"1. Why did your mom fall out of love with your dad?

2. How often do your mom and dad have sex?

3. Does your dad support your mom emotionally all the time?

4. Did your dad responsive to your mom's carnal desires in bed?

 

do you want me to keep going?"

give me 100 reasons. those are excuses and does that justify anything?

 

if it was your father who is cheating then they will tell you the exact opposite thing to do(now they might say, they would say the same thing even if it was your father)...

 

it's going to be the double betrayal if you shut your mouth...if your father is most forgiving person then talk to him...if not talk your mother but this s*** has to be stopped...

 

 

It does need to stop, but the question is, am I the one who needs to basically sacrifice my relationship with my parents and make it stop? And if I do need to take it upon myself and stop it, there are a couple of options that i need to sort though.

 

I'm not convinced either way - obviously the hardest thing for me would be a confrontation with either parent, but the hardest path isn't always the right one.

[Boundary Problem]

I agree with most of the posters here, including Chrome.

 

I just think that approaching this from a "point of principle" is going to tear this family apart - down to the foundations - and we are going to be left with ashes.

 

The children will start siding with one or other parent.

 

The family will be forever fractured.

 

 

 

Sometimes you have to look at several disgusting options and just pick one.

 

Knowing this about his mom has already caused OP emotional damage. I'm just looking out for OP at this point and he seems to want his family intact. And unfortunately "secrets" sometimes keep a family intact.

 

Oh yeah - don't expect your mom to feel remorse, confess etc. Some people's selfishness has to be seen to be truly believed.

[knowstoomuch]

What kind of mom do you have? She would stop loving you if you asked her to do the right thing?

 

I'm not saying make a hard threat. I'm saying go to her and ask her very nicely to tell your Dad whats up.

 

If she tried to paint you a liar then she is a total piece of crap! What kind of mom would throw her own child under the bus like that? Besides... if you print the emails... you got proof.

 

Your goal should be 100% to get this off your emotional plate without taking sides.

 

How is your dad going to react if he finds out you knew a year before him? Suck.

 

 

I can't see either one of them breaking ties with me or stop loving me. I am so angry with my mother and disappointed in her for her actions but I will always love her, she's always going to be my mum. Im not sure that I will ever look at her with the same respect again after finding out, and maybe things will never be the same but I will always love her.

 

We're all very close and that almost makes it more difficult to make a decision. I don't want to hurt either party.

[bentnotbroken]

That's idealistic. It's so easy for you to say she should leave. She should leave him, her husband -- the man she swore before God she would stick by until death do us part. She should leave you. Any other siblings. Hmmm. Easier said than done. I couldn't easily walk away from my children. So, she took an "easy" (which it isn't) way out to find some "happiness" (which it isn't.) She made a mistake.

 

Have you ever thanked her for everything she has done for you? Has your dad ever thanked her for all she did? Yes, this is me speaking. I'm supposed to sacrifice myself for everyone else and when the time comes, hold up the banner of honesty -- which all of you would interpret as the banner of betrayal -- and say, what about me? What if your mom has tried to discuss things with your dad to no avail? What if there is something going on you don't know about?

 

It's so easy to be idealistic in youth. Maybe we would all be better off if we held onto that throughout life, but we don't. And we aren't perfect.

 

If your mom and dad are having problems, it is a result of a problem in the relationship and that involves both of them.

 

 

I am long past my youth and I agree with the OP that there are standards in a family. Judgement requires that punishment me metered out. It is not nor will it ever be judgement to call someone on their mess. The parent ahs a responsibility to live in a way not to embarass, teach dishonesty or lack of respect to others. That is part of our jobs as parents. And if we are doing something that confuses our children or contradictes what we have taught them as right and wrong, we should be called on it. OP would you warn your father is your mother was a compulsive gambler or a drug addict? If you would, infidelity and dishonesty have the same effect on destroying families. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you to live with, but the blame that is being heaped on you for trying to protect the family unit isn't felt by all of us here.

 

I respect your sense of duty and honor in thinking of more than yourself. You here all the time about the current generation not giving a damn about family or doing the right thing. I appreciate you proving that is a whole lot of bull and that there are some young adults out there who hold the family unit and the right thing in high esteem. I applaud yo.

[knowstoomuch]

Boundary, if you dont mind me asking, are you able to still have a close relationship with your parents or is it strained because you decided to keep quiet?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I can't see either one of them breaking ties with me or stop loving me. I am so angry with my mother and disappointed in her for her actions but I will always love her, she's always going to be my mum. Im not sure that I will ever look at her with the same respect again after finding out, and maybe things will never be the same but I will always love her.

We're all very close and that almost makes it more difficult to make a decision. I don't want to hurt either party.

 

It's not your choice. The hurt is already done. Things have already changed. Clearly your not all that close anymore.

 

You put it in the open now, and let them sort it out without you. Otherwise this will eat you up... and cause issues for you in YOUR future relationships.

 

Do you want them to stay together or split up?

[scorpmale001]

KTM,

 

if this goes any longer there is a possibility that your mom could leave your father to be with OM,what would you do then...u will not be left with any choice other than accepting it....

 

but now you have one...

 

goodluck

[knowstoomuch]

It's not your choice. The hurt is already done. Things have already changed. Clearly your not all that close anymore.

 

You put it in the open now, and let them sort it out without you. Otherwise this will eat you up... and cause issues for you in YOUR future relationships.

 

Do you want them to stay together or split up?

 

 

Of course in a perfect world i would want them to be happy with each other, and want stay together. But I don't want them to be unhappy just for the sake of staying together.

 

It's really a hard call to make.

 

I don't think the closeness has been compromised yet, except between my mother and I but it's only on my end. She doesn't suspect a thing as I have been very careful not to let her know I'm upset.. and my relationship with dad hasn't been changed yet.

 

Ever wish you could be a little kid again before things got so complicated?

[Boundary Problem]

Boundary, if you dont mind me asking, are you able to still have a close relationship with your parents or is it strained because you decided to keep quiet?

 

 

 

The cheating doesn't affect my relationship with them.

 

I can tell you that I'm very close with my mom, but I always have been.

 

 

I'm not all that close with my dad. An adult that would be that selfish chances are is selfish in other areas of their life. So he disappointed me in other ways that are more personal to me. So I always keep him at arms length.

 

 

I remember a couple years ago I brought up cheating just sort of as a conversation topic while we were shooting the breeze. And you wouldn't believe the excruciating silence that fell in the room (just mom, dad and me in the room).

 

I swore to myself I would never discuss cheating as a topic in front of my parents again.

 

Deep scars in that marriage. deep. I think my mom has just rationalized it and she is sort of trapped by her pride in that marriage. She'll never leave him.

[knowstoomuch]

KTM,

 

if this goes any longer there is a possibility that your mom could leave your father to be with OM,what would you do then...u will not be left with any choice other than accepting it....

 

but now you have one...

 

goodluck

 

 

Yes. I suspect she will leave to be with the OM.

 

If she does it's far in the future and it's something I can't worry about yet. He's still married as well.

 

However at this point i would have to avoid him, I can't imagine having any sort of relationship with the OM or even know him as an acquaintance. I guess at that point i would have to tell my mum why I couldn't have any relationship with him which involves telling her i know about their affair.

 

That's a bridge i will have to worry about crossing when i get to it, if it presents itself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Of course in a perfect world i would want them to be happy with each other, and want stay together. But I don't want them to be unhappy just for the sake of staying together.

It's really a hard call to make.

I don't think the closeness has been compromised yet, except between my mother and I but it's only on my end. She doesn't suspect a thing as I have been very careful not to let her know I'm upset.. and my relationship with dad hasn't been changed yet.

Ever wish you could be a little kid again before things got so complicated?

 

The sad truth is that you don't get to choose whether they stay together or not. I'm glad that isn't part of your decision making.

 

Honestly, I'd rather not be a kid again. I would not even be a teen again. I just turned 30, and I would do my 20's over again... because they were fun.

 

I'm just telling you now, as a guy who was in an affair once... that you need to step out of the middle of your parents marriage. Not for them, but for you! The only person you should be worried about here is yourself.

 

I don't think you should approach this in a judgmental way. Just ask her to put this in the open. Then you can wash your hands of it. If either of them wants to talk with you regarding this in the future... firmly say NO.

[Toki]

What a bind. If I was to play devil's advocate I'd say you found the Jack Pot, but since we're playing nice, I wouldn't keep this information to yourself. Knowledge kept is knowledge lost, and it will slowly poison your conscience.

 

Should you be the one to tell your dad? No. I don't think that is necessary, and I don't think you need to have a sit down and discuss it with your mom either. The best way is to be brief and to the point, if you get into a conversation steer it towards a relationship you had with a boy, or about a friend, and how you'd never cheat, how much it hurts people. Keep pressing the issue until she cracks, if not tell your mom that you are aware of what she is doing, and that you want no part in it, but that doesn't mean that your dad doesn't deserve to know. The ball is in her court from then on. Hopefully she'll fess up, but if she refuses keep turning up the heat; Be more vocal, if she stone walls you... whoever says something first loses. Let the guilt and shame of cheating finally force her to confess to the man she once loved, and you're left out of the gritty details.

 

This is hard for you, I understand. I don't envy your position, but I know you want to do the right thing, without being the one whose associated with any of the emotion. It's a balancing act, and there's really no good way of getting out of it; It has to be your mom who confesses to your dad if you want to save the relationship you have with both parents.

[scorpmale001]

i agree with TOKI over here, some how this has to be ended either for good or bad, don't ur dad has a right to know the truth and live his life without blinders...

 

r u a woman by chance(do not take it as offense), i am assuming u r a male(since u mentioned that u hacked into the email)

[bentnotbroken]

i agree with TOKI over here, some how this has to be ended either for good or bad, don't ur dad has a right to know the truth and live his life without blinders...

 

r u a woman by chance(do not take it as offense), i am assuming u r a male(since u mentioned that u hacked into the email)

 

 

:eek:Sexist and archaic. The OP said the that they share an email with mom and did not, I repeat did not, hack anything. Most posters seem to have missed that little point.

[Fallen Angel]

I still think you should have a sit down with mom and let her know that you know. I would be honest about how torn you have felt about what to do with the knowledge you have, and offer her the opportunity to be the one who tells all to your father. But I would also tell her that if she doesn't tell him, that you will.

 

NOT knowing is unfair to your father. If the marriage is over, emotionally, for your mother, then your father should know that and be allowed to make decisions about his future with all of the facts. If there is something left to save, I promise you that while it will be hard, they will work to save it. But dad needs to know, and mom should be given the chance to be the one to tell him.

 

I would suggest emailing yourself copies of the emails you found, as a way of proving what you know to be fact, if you are concerned that your mom may try to erase details.

 

I know this is an awful place for you emotionally. And I wish I knew how to make it better for you. I hope you find peace in the end, with whatever choice you make, and can heal from this.

[Samantha0905]

I am long past my youth and I agree with the OP that there are standards in a family. Judgement requires that punishment me metered out. It is not nor will it ever be judgement to call someone on their mess. The parent ahs a responsibility to live in a way not to embarass, teach dishonesty or lack of respect to others. That is part of our jobs as parents. And if we are doing something that confuses our children or contradictes what we have taught them as right and wrong, we should be called on it. OP would you warn your father is your mother was a compulsive gambler or a drug addict? If you would, infidelity and dishonesty have the same effect on destroying families. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you to live with, but the blame that is being heaped on you for trying to protect the family unit isn't felt by all of us here.

 

I respect your sense of duty and honor in thinking of more than yourself. You here all the time about the current generation not giving a damn about family or doing the right thing. I appreciate you proving that is a whole lot of bull and that there are some young adults out there who hold the family unit and the right thing in high esteem. I applaud you.

 

All I have to say to that is oh please. The sexual/romantic relationship here is between the mother and father and should stay there. I have a married daughter. I don't push myself into that part of her relationship with her husband. There are boundaries. This "child" is an adult also, no?

 

Nobody is heaping blame on anyone. People are offering suggestions and just because you don't agree with some of the suggestions does not mean those suggestions equate to heaping blame.

 

My point simply is there are probably things there the child has no idea about and approaching the dad first is not a good idea. I still think reading the mother's emails was out of line. Perhaps some of the things going on -- sexual issues -- intimacy issues -- are not things a parent will want to discuss with a child. Nor should the mother feel obligated to discuss these things with the child. What parent wants to discuss things like a lack of sexual satisfaction (for example) with their child? It should never happen.

 

I agree with the point the child should step out of the middle of her parents' marriage.