Just found out Mum is having affair, tell Dad?

[Boundary Problem]

Well you have two choices. Tell your father(which I would do) and let the chips fall where they may.

 

OR...

 

Keep it to yourself. Then when your father does find out(which he will eventually) and then you will finally be forced to admit to him that you knew about it and did nothing, you risk losing your father's love. If that happened to me I could safely say I'd never forgive my daughter and delete her from my life.

 

Tough choice, but you already know you NEED AND MUST DO THE RIGHT THING. To do anything else is aiding and abetting the affair

 

 

No. Never impose the burden of the parents relationship on a child. Even an adult child. Adult children suffer greatly from the fickle decisions of their parents. Just because someone is over 18 doesn't mean they are immune to the choices/decisions of their parents.

 

Chances are dad already knows. And if not, it is a problem between mom and dad.

 

A child is allowed to remain a child. This is one of those times where you mind your own business.

 

Sort of like their financial decisions - it is private as between them.

[scorpmale001]

why he should not tell to his father...?, whose family it is? is he not the part of the family....

 

the other guy is trying to break his family not anybody's family...i would say crack this mother f*****'s ip and address...go straight to his home with evidence tell his wife or whomever you can find...

 

creativity means hiding your resources...use them if they try to get over smart

[Boundary Problem]

why he should not tell to his father...?, whose family it is? is he not the part of the family....

 

Because it will cause the son emotional damage to be exposed to this anymore than has already happened.

 

The last thing he needs to be involved with is to be in a "fire the messenger" sort of situation where he is blamed for giving the bad news.

 

Parents are supposed to protect their children and this will be a very volatile situation.

[scorpmale001]

BP, ADF,

 

wht do u mean to say...does it feels any better by seeing his mother with OM... he is going to resent his mother for long time if this goes any further than it is already....

 

why it is none of my business when i am going to loose my mother...she might going to resent him for some time but he got his mother back...that is all matters here

 

and

ADF,

 

i am a hacker myself(certified) and 25 yrs old, i am a data architect by profession ...but there are some people who earn their living over hacking(highest paid job i have evr known)...please do not advise people over sthg u don't know how it works...

[knowstoomuch]

Just to reiterate so everyone is clear, I did not "hack" into an email account to snoop or spy on anyone. I needed access to a personal file from an account that was a joint account, shared by my mum and I for several years, and when the PW was changed I tried once more to log in with a different PW and I gained access. Sorry if i mislead anyone. The subjects of the emails were enough to indicate an inappropriate relationship and I suppose i chose to read two because I needed to confirm (to myself) what was really going on. If any of you were in the same predicament and chose NOT to read such an email in your own mother's email, or spouse, significant other, etc.. I'd be really shocked.

 

Regardless of how the information was obtained - which is not the issue here - I do believe I have a right to be informed. This is my family and it directly affects me. It's my choice, please don't crucify me for that.

 

And for those of you who believe all I do is snoop and spy on my mother - wrong. Not that I owe you any explanation, but to give those who actually mean well a bit of a background on my situation.. I was diagnosed with malignant carcinoma while i was obtaining my masters degree at a university and came home to live with my parents while i am in treatment. I am engaged to be married and when I'm well enough i'll continue on with my degree.

 

When I posted on the forums I was seeking a bit of advice to help me make a decision about the most ethical thing to do. Although I greatly appreciate the sincere advice most of you have written, I find it disappointing that others actually read this and continue to belittle and degrade others. Shame on you.

 

Edit - Should also add that in my original post i said "My mum does not know i read her emails.." The word "read" was meant to be past tense.. as in I do not continue to check her emails, it was a once only occurrence. I don't care to see any new messages to her lover.

Edited December 7, 2009 by knowstoomuch

[bentnotbroken]

Just to reiterate so everyone is clear, I did not "hack" into an email account to snoop or spy on anyone. I needed access to a personal file from an account that was a joint account, shared by my mum and I for several years, and when the PW was changed I tried once more to log in with a different PW and I gained access. Sorry if i mislead anyone. The subjects of the emails were enough to indicate an inappropriate relationship and I suppose i chose to read two because I needed to confirm (to myself) what was really going on. If any of you were in the same predicament and chose NOT to read such an email in your own mother's email, or spouse, significant other, etc.. I'd be really shocked.

 

Regardless of how the information was obtained - which is not the issue here - I do believe I have a right to be informed. This is my family and it directly affects me. It's my choice, please don't crucify me for that.

 

And for those of you who believe all I do is snoop and spy on my mother - wrong. Not that I owe you any explanation, but to give those who actually mean well a bit of a background on my situation.. I was diagnosed with malignant carcinoma while i was obtaining my masters degree at a university and came home to live with my parents while i am in treatment. I am engaged to be married and when I'm well enough i'll continue on with my degree.

 

When I posted on the forums I was seeking a bit of advice to help me make a decision about the most ethical thing to do. Although I greatly appreciate the sincere advice most of you have written, I find it disappointing that others actually read this and continue to belittle and degrade others. Shame on you.

 

Edit - Should also add that in my original post i said "My mum does not know i read her emails.." The word "read" was meant to be past tense.. as in I do not continue to check her emails, it was a once only occurrence.

 

 

Don't worry about the old heads around here. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Not everyone reads everything. Sad but true.

[Samantha0905]

Just to reiterate so everyone is clear, I did not "hack" into an email account to snoop or spy on anyone. I needed access to a personal file from an account that was a joint account, shared by my mum and I for several years, and when the PW was changed I tried once more to log in with a different PW and I gained access. Sorry if i mislead anyone. The subjects of the emails were enough to indicate an inappropriate relationship and I suppose i chose to read two because I needed to confirm (to myself) what was really going on. If any of you were in the same predicament and chose NOT to read such an email in your own mother's email, or spouse, significant other, etc.. I'd be really shocked.

 

Regardless of how the information was obtained - which is not the issue here - I do believe I have a right to be informed. This is my family and it directly affects me. It's my choice, please don't crucify me for that.

 

And for those of you who believe all I do is snoop and spy on my mother - wrong. Not that I owe you any explanation, but to give those who actually mean well a bit of a background on my situation.. I was diagnosed with malignant carcinoma while i was obtaining my masters degree at a university and came home to live with my parents while i am in treatment. I am engaged to be married and when I'm well enough i'll continue on with my degree.

 

When I posted on the forums I was seeking a bit of advice to help me make a decision about the most ethical thing to do. Although I greatly appreciate the sincere advice most of you have written, I find it disappointing that others actually read this and continue to belittle and degrade others. Shame on you.

 

I remember reading a live journal entry of my son's when he was in high school. He had left it up on his computer and yes, it's tempting. I found out he was gay about six months before he told me. I waited him out. Perhaps you should wait things out. That's what I think anyway. Don't make decisions about what's ethical for other people. Don't let your own self-righteousness make things happen that should not. As I said before, talk to your mother if you must. That's fine and ethical. Don't go running off to "tattle" on her. Talk to her. She raised you, I'm assuming. Don't pass judgment on her. Talk to her and see what she says. There are some things that happen in a marital/parental relationship that parents would rather not/should not share with their children. You will understand as you develop your own marital relationship and raise your own children.

[Boundary Problem]

Talk to her and see what she says.

 

I agree with this. Your two options are as follows:

 

1. Do nothing. Say nothing.

 

2. Talk to your mom and tell her that you know. Problem - you will find out more than you ever wanted to about your parents marriage.

 

 

Bottom line - when the sh-t is flying it doesn't matter where you stand in the room, you are going to get some on you.

 

That is why I recommend #1.

[Samantha0905]

I agree with this. Your two options are as follows:

 

1. Do nothing. Say nothing.

 

2. Talk to your mom and tell her that you know. Problem - you will find out more than you ever wanted to about your parents marriage.

 

 

Bottom line - when the sh-t is flying it doesn't matter where you stand in the room, you are going to get some on you.

 

That is why I recommend #1.

 

Yes, #1 is more than likely the best option in this situation. What child wants to hear things like mom just isn't sexually attracted to dad or dad has had a few affairs on mom or is just a drag in general? Yuck. I don't think a child would want to delve into this area...........

 

And all the meddling in the world, won't make things work out for sure and that's what I think a child's motivation would be..........

 

Plus, perhaps dad and mom will work this out on their own. Imagine that.

[knowstoomuch]

I think you have a good point Samantha and it's something i've never thought of... Maybe it's actually unethical for me to judge whether or not the choices others make are ethical. I suppose my mother's life is her own and i should leave it at that, but it's just too difficult to turn away from a situation that i know is wrong. And it's ironic that she and my father are the ones who raised me to do the right thing and the feelings i have about this situation stem back to my upbringing.

 

If I don't say anything, it's like witnessing a murder and not calling the police (probably a terrible analogy but the best i can think of at the moment.) But, I can't dwell on the fact that my mother is not behaving "ethically" either. We all make mistakes, and who am I to point the finger and possibly cause a huge family fallout if I do say something? Sigh.. It's alot to wrap my mind around.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would tell...

 

hell yeah I would tell.. if it meant an end to the lies and a way to bring it to a head then why not. Why prolong the pain?

[knowstoomuch]

Hope I can offer one more thing if I may, don't feel like you have to act on anything tomorrow or next week or even next month. Sit with it for a while and try to find some peace.

 

Absolutely - this isn't something that needs to get blurted out, i need time to think it out.

[bentnotbroken]

I think you have a good point Samantha and it's something i've never thought of... Maybe it's actually unethical for me to judge whether or not the choices others make are ethical. I suppose my mother's life is her own and i should leave it at that, but it's just too difficult to turn away from a situation that i know is wrong. And it's ironic that she and my father are the ones who raised me to do the right thing and the feelings i have about this situation stem back to my upbringing.

 

If I don't say anything, it's like witnessing a murder and not calling the police (probably a terrible analogy but the best i can think of at the moment.) But, I can't dwell on the fact that my mother is not behaving "ethically" either. We all make mistakes, and who am I to point the finger and possibly cause a huge family fallout if I do say something? Sigh.. It's alot to wrap my mind around.

 

 

It really is a lot. It all comes down to what you can live with, where your conscious leads you.

[Samantha0905]

I think you have a good point Samantha and it's something i've never thought of... Maybe it's actually unethical for me to judge whether or not the choices others make are ethical. I suppose my mother's life is her own and i should leave it at that, but it's just too difficult to turn away from a situation that i know is wrong. And it's ironic that she and my father are the ones who raised me to do the right thing and the feelings i have about this situation stem back to my upbringing.

 

If I don't say anything, it's like witnessing a murder and not calling the police (probably a terrible analogy but the best i can think of at the moment.) But, I can't dwell on the fact that my mother is not behaving "ethically" either. We all make mistakes, and who am I to point the finger and possibly cause a huge family fallout if I do say something? Sigh.. It's alot to wrap my mind around.

 

And all of that shows a lot of maturity and makes perfect sense. Talk to your mother first if you must. Then decide if you need to do anything further.

 

That's what I think anyway.

 

If you feel you need to talk to your dad first, however, you know your own situation.

 

I just think you need to understand the implications of your actions. And I don't know that you can if you are just now engaged to be married. Plus, this situation involves your parents and children idealize their parents. Parents aren't perfect. Life throws many curveballs.

[Boundary Problem]

I don't know if this has been said or not, but you have NO IDEA what your parents marital/sex life has been for 20 yrs.

 

 

By becoming involved (spilling the beans) you could step into a huge cow pie.

 

Life has many many layers and it is seldom black and white.

 

Problem is you are trying to make this decision without all the facts. Which is why you are agonizing over it.

 

 

Keep in mind - one action - is "doing nothing". It isn't a cop-out it is a valid choice.

[Samantha0905]

I don't know if this has been said or not, but you have NO IDEA what your parents marital/sex life has been for 20 yrs.

 

 

 

Yes. This. Perhaps a happy front has been exhibited when it actually didn't exist. Or maybe even if that is the case -- your parents actually love each other and need to work through some issues. Let them. None of this is anything they should have to discuss with their child(ren) until they are ready to do so. It's why I waited my son out. It was his call.

[knowstoomuch]

I don't know if this has been said or not, but you have NO IDEA what your parents marital/sex life has been for 20 yrs.

 

 

.. and I dont want to know. But even if she is terribly unhappy with my father she should leave, or take action to become happy, fix the marriage, etc. NOT fall into bed with another man.

 

It's true I don't know anything about their marital lives other than what I see (which i'm sure isn't the half of it) but it's NEVER okay to cheat imho. She's betraying the entire family, not just my father.

[Boundary Problem]

.. and I dont want to know. But even if she is terribly unhappy with my father she should leave, or take action to become happy, fix the marriage, etc. NOT fall into bed with another man.

 

It's true I don't know anything about their marital lives other than what I see (which i'm sure isn't the half of it) but it's NEVER okay to cheat imho. She's betraying the entire family, not just my father.

 

 

She's your mother.

 

You do not have all the facts. And it is a dangerous thing to judge someone without all the facts.

 

You are making a morality judgment. You aren't making a judgment on the facts.

 

It is part of growing up to realize that your parents are just people and they have their own weaknesses.

 

I should add that I didn't cheat. I just have sometimes been staggered by the rest of the truth when I only had 1/2. Your opinion can really turn on a dime once you have all the facts.

[Samantha0905]

.. and I dont want to know. But even if she is terribly unhappy with my father she should leave, or take action to become happy, fix the marriage, etc. NOT fall into bed with another man.

 

It's true I don't know anything about their marital lives other than what I see (which i'm sure isn't the half of it) but it's NEVER okay to cheat imho. She's betraying the entire family, not just my father.

 

That's idealistic. It's so easy for you to say she should leave. She should leave him, her husband -- the man she swore before God she would stick by until death do us part. She should leave you. Any other siblings. Hmmm. Easier said than done. I couldn't easily walk away from my children. So, she took an "easy" (which it isn't) way out to find some "happiness" (which it isn't.) She made a mistake.

 

Have you ever thanked her for everything she has done for you? Has your dad ever thanked her for all she did? Yes, this is me speaking. I'm supposed to sacrifice myself for everyone else and when the time comes, hold up the banner of honesty -- which all of you would interpret as the banner of betrayal -- and say, what about me? What if your mom has tried to discuss things with your dad to no avail? What if there is something going on you don't know about?

 

It's so easy to be idealistic in youth. Maybe we would all be better off if we held onto that throughout life, but we don't. And we aren't perfect.

 

If your mom and dad are having problems, it is a result of a problem in the relationship and that involves both of them.

[knowstoomuch]

If you don't mind me asking, my apologies if this sounds like an attack to someone's statement, it isn't meant to be!!

 

What additional information would make this acceptable? The man told her he loved her, she responded with I love yous and they share a need to be physically intimate with each other (to put it nicely.)

 

Are you saying that there may be something I don't know that would make ANY of that okay? Maybe I just misunderstood?

 

There's obviously something going on. I just don't see how any additional information would shine light on the situation and suddenly make it okay.

[Boundary Problem]

If you don't mind me asking, my apologies if this sounds like an attack to someone's statement, it isn't meant to be!!

 

What additional information would make this acceptable? The man told her he loved her, she responded with I love yous and they share a need to be physically intimate with each other (to put it nicely.)

 

Are you saying that there may be something I don't know that would make ANY of that okay? Maybe I just misunderstood?

 

There's obviously something going on. I just don't see how any additional information would shine light on the situation and suddenly make it okay.

 

 

1. Why did your mom fall out of love with your dad?

2. How often do your mom and dad have sex?

3. Does your dad support your mom emotionally all the time?

4. Did your dad responsive to your mom's carnal desires in bed?

 

do you want me to keep going?

 

 

There is an integrity and financial strength to a marriage, even if the core of the marital relationship is over. Even if your dad doesn't "know", I suspect he probably has his suspicions.

 

This is the status quo for your parents, and I don't think it is your task to upset the status quo.

[Samantha0905]

If you don't mind me asking, my apologies if this sounds like an attack to someone's statement, it isn't meant to be!!

 

What additional information would make this acceptable? The man told her he loved her, she responded with I love yous and they share a need to be physically intimate with each other (to put it nicely.)

 

Are you saying that there may be something I don't know that would make ANY of that okay? Maybe I just misunderstood?

 

There's obviously something going on. I just don't see how any additional information would shine light on the situation and suddenly make it okay.

 

Well, nothing would make it okay in your mind or in general. Perhaps your mother and father are having trouble with communication and intimacy -- which leads to problems regarding sexual relations. This does wear on someone over time.

 

You will know this as you mature. If they are lacking in healthy communication -- things go down a slippery slope for one or the other or both.

 

My main point is I don't see where approaching your father before your mother would be healthy.

 

What is your problem with approaching your mother first?

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know what would make it worse is that the mother gets pregnant by the OM, and the father is being emotionally destroyed? And the daughter gets to sit on the sidelines being privy to all this??? WTF, how does that way on her conscious!? It's like watching a person get murdered in cold blood and saying nothing!

[knowstoomuch]

I thought it would be best to approach my father first and show him what I found, and let him make the decision on what steps to take next. I feel like he's the one being victimized in the situation, my mother is betraying him by having the affair and it was natural for me to take his side. It's like knowing he's heading for a train wreck, and by telling him and ending the pain sooner rather than later wouldn't stop the train but it would deflect the blow a little.

 

By telling my mother I know about the affair won't change anything, she would only try harder to hide it and the affair would continue. Our relationship would be strained from that point forward - which is also true if she found out I told my father, if i chose to do so. It seems like telling her I found out about the affair wouldn't do any good, which is why I don't think it's a good idea.

 

If I do tell my mum I know, I would feel somehow compelled to also tell my father. If my mother and I both know she's involved with another man it's like we're teaming up against dad, which I just can't live with.

[knowstoomuch]

Yeah, Chrome, Pregnancy and/or contracting an STD would be catastrophic..