Just found out Mum is having affair, tell Dad?

[knowstoomuch]

I've been reading these forums for quite some time and I think I'm ready to post..

 

I recently found out that my mother has been having an affair for at least a year with a coworker. He's married and he has a couple young children. I sometimes access my mum's email, she knows this.. she changed her password and had been acting quite strange (like closing her laptop or exiting the internet if i came within viewing distance) which made me suspicious. I was able to crack her new password and read several very inappropriate messages from the man in question, things he should not be saying to a married woman to say the least - including how 'i love yous' and 'i hope i can wake up with you still in my arms every day..' and other comments that are entirely not even remotely professional or appropriate. I took a screenshot and saved the email from him, and I did the same to an email she sent to him saying "just wanted to tell you i love you, have a good night."

 

I should also mention that my mum, dad and I have always been very close and i have always been very open with both of my parents. I'm in my twenties - old enough to understand exactly what's going on - and I live at home with both my parents, so it's quite a touchy situation.

 

I haven't told my mum that I read her mail and she doesn't suspect it.. Dad doesn't know about the affair, to my knowledge. I feel like I'm lying to my dad every time i see him and condoning my mum's behaviour by not saying anything. It's really been eating me up inside.

 

I'm so torn. I want to do the right thing in this situation, but I don't know if i should confront my mum about the affair, or go to my dad and show him what I've found. If i tell mum i think she would just be more careful to hide the affair and continue on with it. My dad would be totally crushed.. it's hard to tell how he would respond.

 

Any advice, or has anyone been in a similar situation?

[bentnotbroken]

Is there some clergy or a sibling you can talk to? If not, then maybe telling your mother that you know and you expect her to set a good example and do the right thing maybe enough for her to tell your father. I would tell, but you have to follow what is best for you in this situation. Your father deserves to know so that he can be tested for std's.

[knowstoomuch]

Yes, i've confided in my best friend and it has been a big help. I don't have anyone else i'm comfortable talking to about this situation, and out of respect for both my mother and father I don't think it's a good idea to tell many people. Plus it's quite embarrassing to me and it's just nauseating to share.

 

Anyway my friend thinks i should tell my dad - I'm just not sure if i can go through with it, he will be absolutely crushed.

Edited December 6, 2009 by knowstoomuch

[bentnotbroken]

My children (my oldest in particular) had the horrible task of confirming their father's affair. It weighed heavily on them. I don't think any child should have to do this, no matter their age. I will be praying for you and your family.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

ugh...this is a tough one.

 

i would probably tell my mom that i knew. talk to her about it. maybe theres more to this story that you dont know.

 

my H has known of his fathers affairs for years. im sure its painful for him but hes never once even thought of telling his mother. he thinks his mother probably knows. theyve been in a loveless marriage for years. he figures maybe the situation works for them and shed rather not know.

 

we had an uncomfortable situation several years ago where one of our friends told my H that he saw his father out with another woman. it was painful for him, but he just sort of accepted it as how his parents relationship was.

[knowstoomuch]

Thanks for the input BB.

 

You are correct that it's a terrible invasion of privacy to view any private material that belongs to another person, but this is an email account that we both had access to at one point, for several years, and I thought nothing of it.

 

I wasn't snooping for this sort of information and I certainly wasn't trying to invade her privacy when i 'hacked' her password. Since we had once shared the email address i needed to access it for one of my own files and when i discovered the password was changed I tried another PW, and I gained access to the account. Then to find my own file i had to scroll through several messages from another man that had some explicit subject titles and I read two of them.

 

I suppose you could say I shouldn't have opened the email at all, and she will be angry when/if I confront her about it, but i think the real issue that needs to be addressed is the affair.

Edited December 6, 2009 by knowstoomuch

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for the input BB.

 

You are correct that it's a terrible invasion of privacy to view any private material that belongs to another person, but this is an email account that we both had access to at one point, for several years, and I thought nothing of it.

 

I wasn't snooping for this sort of information and I certainly wasn't trying to invade her privacy when i 'hacked' her password. Since we had once shared the email address i needed to access it for one of my own files and when i discovered the password was changed I tried another PW, and I gained access to the account. Then to find my own file i had to scroll through several messages from another man that had some explicit subject titles and I read two of them.

 

 

you are right the real crime is the affair. don't let anyone tell you other wise. It is obvoiously against your moral code. The way your parents riaised you. I am pretty sure that you were told to always do the right thing. And now the things that you have been taught by your parents, you have to do because they did a great job raising you.

Maybe I shouldn't have opened the email at all, and she will be angry when/if I confront her about it, but i think the real crime here is the affair.

[Fallen Angel]

Perhaps since you feel you MUST somehow act on what you know, you should sit mom down and tell her what you know.

 

Tell her that you think your father has a right to know, but that you want to give her the opportunity to come clean with him. Tell her that you expect her to do so, and that if she doesn't, you will.

 

And then step out of it.

 

Perhaps go stay with friends for a few days and give mom and dad a chance to work things out. They will need privacy in which to talk, scream, cry, and work through the pain that will be the fallout from what you have discovered.

 

I wish you and your family healing. ((hugs))

[jnj express]

Maybe you can get this thing stopped. You can talk to your mother, and tell her she needs to stop the A. now, before your father is betrayed any further, If she doesn't agree tell her you will tell her Affair partner's wife. This may shut things down, but it also may drive your mother further underground. Actually your father has a right to know, He has a right to conduct his life in honesty and right now he is the victim of deceit, cheating, and manipulation, as your mother comes home every night looks your father in the eyes and tells him everything is fine. Also you are beginning to eat yourself up with guilt. There will be a giant storm, and things will never be the same, but your father does deserve to live his life as part of a 2some, not as part of a 3 some, with your father getting sloppy seconds----tell him, and the AP's wife.

[imagine]

The longer that your father is kept unaware of the affair, the deeper it will become. He does not have to have let her know where the details came.

 

Your father will be in shock. I'm sorry but exposure is absolutely necessary and your mom will have to quit work - NC for ever with OM.

 

I want to remind your that folk in good marriages can and are tempted -and unfortunately there are always consequences. I'm sorry for you that this is so. It is not your fault but hers.

 

I would refer your dad to Marriage Builders (Google it) for advise in these circumstances. Get him to read the articles then refer here. But he must quickly overcome his anger to actually DO what they recommend.

[hopeless4u]

I think you should talk to your mum, tell her you know, there might be other factors that you don't know about and I'm sure if this is all going to come out your dad would much rather hear it from your mum not from you.

My xMM told his mum that his dad was having an affair, he was 16 and it messed his head up bad, he has always blamed himself, his dad left the family for the OW and M her.

[Cora]

I think you should tell your father. He deserves to know and you need to get this off your chest. I was kind of in a similar situation. When I was a teenager, my brother and I caught my father in an emotional affair with this woman he met online. He would write her love letters daily about how he wished he could hold her in his arms and walk hand in hand on the beach with her. He had even discussed with this woman that he was married and had kids! He basically told her that he was unhappily married.

 

My brother and I could not bear to tell our mother. I think we were kind of both in shock though too that our father could actually do something like this....you know? Like is this really happening? I mean the only parents we ever knew were two people who loved each other tremendously and were happy. We just could not wrap our minds around what was happening, but at the same time were both old enough to know that it was completely wrong! To make a long story short, my mother found out on her own and read all of the letters they exchanged. She was crushed to say the least. My father could not figure out how my mother found out about this and he blindly blamed us for telling her. I think he had a suspicion all along that we knew. I mean he got to the point where he would no longer even click out of the chat or emails when we walked into the room. I kind of wished I would have went ahead and told my mother since my father thought we told on him anyway. It still would have been extremely hard for me to do though so I'm kind of torn on this one. You do need to relieve yourself of this burden though. At least you have your friend to talk to. That has to be a great relief! My brother and I would talk about it all the time which would help even though we felt extremely bad for what was going on. If I wouldn't of had my brother to talk to I think I would have gone crazy!

[torranceshipman]

Telling the truth is the best thing to do. Affairs often die pretty quick when exposed to oxygen. It'll take some burden off your shoulders too, when you do so. I'd say follow what your intuition and gut instinct is telling you to do, as you sound like someone with good values.

[hopesndreams]

Your dad already suspects something is going on but has no idea what because he trusts her. There is no way your mum hasn't changed in some way, she isn't the same person she once was before the affair. How has she been acting differently towards your father?

 

Have you tried hacking into her bf's email? Perhaps "he" can expose the A by sending your dad some of the emails they have been sending back and forth. Or, make up a new email acc't with a similar address of the bf and it still makes him look like the one spilling the beans. Devious yes, but why should you have to tell??? When it could be easily made out to look like her bf has exposed the A.

[delirious]

It is not her truth to tell. Do not tell your father unless you want to seriously affect your relationship with your mother. It is not your place to tell him, tell your mother you know. It is not for you to sort this out and be hit in the crossfire. Let your mother sort it out.

[outofthedark]

Lets say your dad finds out then comes to you for support with the "how could I not have known" cries that all bs have. you will feel even more guilty when the whys come and you knew all along. He will also feel betrayed by you that you didn't protect him with something. That you didnt tell him. Shame on her for putting you in this position.

That said, here is an idea..

You already hacked into her email, you cannot take that back. For whatever reason you did it, you knew she had been hiding something as you stated so in your post. So maybe you needed a file but thought that was justification to snoop around to see what she was hiding. It is almost like reading ones journal.

Hack back in and forward the emails to your dad. after they have been forwarded to your dad, send one message to your mothers affair partner.

Leave my mother alone or everyone at the office will know. My father has been informed.

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

Maybe tell your mom that you know what she's been up to, and how uncomfortable it's made you feel...How upset you are and that she needs to really think about what she's doing and why..And, the fallout it will cause when your dad finds out (usually it's just a matter of time before a betrayed figures it out and does some digging..), and also she is putting herself in a situation where the whole family is going to be apart because of her selfish choices..

 

Sorry that you have to deal with this. No child of any age should have to face this stuff.

[Angel1111]

First of all, you had no business hacking into your mother's computer and looking at her emails. But now that you have, you're going to need to talk to her about this. I'm sure that she'll stop it once she knows that you know.

[Samantha0905]

Talk to her if you must. Do not tell your dad. Stop reading your mother's emails.

[Gabriele]

I think for you right now, how you found out is irrelevant, you know.....and it's eating you alive. In an ideal world....you should talk to a professional, so do if you can. I also think the best thing is to talk to your mom, and figure it out from there. Maybe if you can find a therapist, you could confront your mom with his/her help in the office? Might help you and your mom work on the issues that will come up. I feel awful for you!

 

good-luck, and remember you are not the bad guy here!

[bentnotbroken]

I think for you right now, how you found out is irrelevant, you know.....and it's eating you alive. In an ideal world....you should talk to a professional, so do if you can. I also think the best thing is to talk to your mom, and figure it out from there. Maybe if you can find a therapist, you could confront your mom with his/her help in the office? Might help you and your mom work on the issues that will come up. I feel awful for you!

 

good-luck, and remember you are not the bad guy here!

 

 

No you aren't the bad guy here. Get some outside help(therapist)if you can.

[wheelwright]

This is a horrible ethical dilemma. On the one hand you take the responsibility of changing other people's lives hugely without really knowing if it is for the best, on the other hand you do the same by your inaction.

 

So the way forward is damage limitation. Try to create positive change in the least damaging way possible.

 

In this case, I would have a private conversation with your mother about her views on infidelity. Don't tell her you know, but let her see this possibility. In the best scenario, this will be enough for her to see the enormity of what she is doing in terms of your family. Without the s**t hitting the fan. If she asks you if you know, of course tell the truth. Be prepared to hear a lot of stuff about how unhappy she is. Tell her there are better ways to resolve the unhappiness.

 

Second, I would encourage both of your parents to be good to each other. Say things like, 'I've noticed you two aren't as close recently. Why don't you have a weekend away?'

 

You may see your parents start to reconcile, your mother re-engage just by this type of prodding.

 

If it doesn't work, then find out about the OM, confront him and tell him to steer clear.

 

And as the next option, speak to your mother. As the final option, your father.

 

And none of this is your fault. You did not create this dilemma, but still you must tread through it carefully holding other people's lives in your hands.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 6, 2009 by wheelwright
adding something

[scorpmale001]

hi bro,

 

whatever u have done is not at all illegal or crime(i am hacker myself ),if i was u i would have told my father but thts me...but i would insist you should tell your father....once u disclosed it to ur father,don't go between them...

 

when you pay 1000s of dollars to PI to find out the same info(was that not illegal)

 

if you want to crack this guys password or address do the fallowing(works 90% of the time): read this http://rahulhackingarticles.wetpaint.com/page/IP+Address+Hack,+n+all+bt+it+!!(do not read if u don't know networking)

and this

http://www.fraudaid.com/security_products/categories/utilities/header_tutorial.htm(you can find the source code(email header info) from this )

 

now you know how to get the view the source ,copy the entire code(there are lot of tutorials on it in youtube etc).....

now go to site called http://www.ip-adress.com

 

goto -trace email-copy the code in the box -click trace....if u r living in a major city it will give you the complete adress of the person and wher he is from, and ip address of the system

 

when you have the ip address of the system you can do just about anything....i wont say what you can do(wrong place)

 

 

goodluck

[scorpmale001]

correction:goto -trace email-paste the code in the box -click trace....if u r living in a major city it will give you the complete adress of the person and where he is from, and ip address of the system he is using

 

 

 

and one more thing do not do any stupid things with this S***(above info).use this info only to find out about this guys a**....

 

get back to me if u have any q's

Edited December 6, 2009 by scorpmale001

[Space Ritual]

Well you have two choices. Tell your father(which I would do) and let the chips fall where they may.

 

OR...

 

Keep it to yourself. Then when your father does find out(which he will eventually) and then you will finally be forced to admit to him that you knew about it and did nothing, you risk losing your father's love. If that happened to me I could safely say I'd never forgive my daughter and delete her from my life.

 

Tough choice, but you already know you NEED AND MUST DO THE RIGHT THING. To do anything else is aiding and abetting the affair