minutebyminute Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Okay. .. I've got the picture, bigger than ever. The OM and I are done. Why does the primitave part of the relationship haunt me, seeing him in my mind loving, I hold the meaning loosley, someone else. This is the hardest part of letting go (especially of an A) feeling like you were his/your best sexual/emotional partner & knowing it may not be true. The play by play in your head of the one you loved with another. I want to know what she looks like, and on and on. I see them together, it makes me sick. This is now what I have whittled down to. I feel if I can let this go, I am home free. I've made great strides, but then the images I have of us and knowing he is doing this with her moves me right back to the start postion. I can't take it anymore, it is making me crazy and sick. I just want to remove him from my mind move on, but he was part of my life and that is not an easy thing to do. I'm okay for a few days, then I start thinking and then there it is, I just want to vomit. I just want to call him and tell him what a f-ing piece of sh-t he was for all of this. I need ot move on, I'm on the verge, need to be pushed!!!
bentnotbroken Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 The feelings of most BS. It is a hard place to be.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 my xmm was having sex with his wife the entire time we were having an affair. we even discussed the details from time to time. but now that its over (and yes i realize this is still a sign of me being hung up on him) the thought of it absolutely sickens me. and im not sure why because im having sex with my husband more than ever. but on the other board i posted a question that was intended to be about me and my H. i asked others when the sex started after d-day and how often. people started talking about this hysterical bonding sex they were having with their spouses and it just turned my stomach to think that thats what the two of them might be doing (just like my husband and I have been doing).
hopeless4u Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 This is what pushed me to end it with my xMM, he lead me to believe they were not being intimate with each other and when I found out they were I felt sick to the pit of my stomach and I still do, everytime I think about him saying and doing things to her that he once did to me. I only ended things a couple of weeks ago and we haven't gone NC yet and when we do I know it will be even harder. I am just hoping eventually these images will hurt a little less and fade away. I guess as we are all going through it that it must be part of the process. The 1 positive thing from it though is when I look at him and find myself weakening I just picture him with hi W in my mine and all of the 'wanting' him back is replaced with anger of how he deceived me;) Works for me!!
Myusername Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 HUGS I totally understand where you are coming from, and actually sat down to post to a similar, yet different theme..but dont want to thread jack. I too am trying to move on and figure out what was real, what was a lie, what the new girl/girls look like, do for him, etc etc. I wish I had some good words of wisdom but I woke up sick to my stomach in similar thoughts. I am trying to look ahead and also not spend a ton of time dwelling on the past, yet it is just intensely hard. I am not sure if I am allowed to mention another web site/forum, etc but a while ago I came across something not geared to infidelity or cheating, etc but to GETTING PAST YOUR PAST and the women who does the blog is bright and I found it helpful. They hold a pretty firm foot in the sand about moving forward and NC, etc. It is usually women who were not treated too well in their marriages or suffered a hard divorce/breakup and are trying to move on. Pain is pain, and tho I am not the typical demographic on their, I found it helpful and empowering. U may want to check it out. If u do a search for GETTING PAST YOUR PAST it may help. Not sure. God bless and good luck, i am eager to read the other responses...as they may be helpful to many of us. ((HUGS))
joybean72 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I'm sorry you are hurting. (((Hug))) But I am going to tell you this as I am on the flip side of your situation, a BS...most (but NOT all MM) still have sex with their wives. Even when they claim they aren't. (Why would they not get sex whenever they can??? That is their thinking, I'm sure). My ex (well stbx) strung me along for the better part of a year and a half when he should've done the right thing and not played two ends against the middle...so that I could have moved on. Get what I'm saying? It almost seemed like a game to him. But it was MY life, MY head he was f*%cking with. Yes he did end up with his second ow and good for him. We weren't meant for eachother. You will find someone that will give you ALL that you need. Everything takes time..."Rome was not built in a day". (My mom tells me that). The best you can do is live for YOURSELF. Good luck to you.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Okay. .. I've got the picture, bigger than ever. The OM and I are done. Why does the primitave part of the relationship haunt me, seeing him in my mind loving, I hold the meaning loosley, someone else. This is the hardest part of letting go (especially of an A) feeling like you were his/your best sexual/emotional partner & knowing it may not be true. The play by play in your head of the one you loved with another. I want to know what she looks like, and on and on. I see them together, it makes me sick. This is now what I have whittled down to. I feel if I can let this go, I am home free. I've made great strides, but then the images I have of us and knowing he is doing this with her moves me right back to the start postion. I can't take it anymore, it is making me crazy and sick. I just want to remove him from my mind move on, but he was part of my life and that is not an easy thing to do. I'm okay for a few days, then I start thinking and then there it is, I just want to vomit. I just want to call him and tell him what a f-ing piece of sh-t he was for all of this. I need ot move on, I'm on the verge, need to be pushed!!! since you are writing about an "OM", i take it that you are married? If so, why are you focusing on the OM instead of your husband? or better yet, if you are so obsessed with OM and what he's doing, why don't you do your husband a favor and file for divorce? especially since your H is so insignificant that he didn't even deserve a mention in this post. Its all about the OM. So why are you still married? Don't even say because you love him either.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I have no idea how to answer your question. I'm weak, confused, angry, sad, spiteful and maybe just a little over all of it. I wish I could just stop and move on, really that is what I pray for all the time. I just don't know why I had an A, I wonder if I had an A with someone like the person who utlimately crushed me, so I would have the courage to move on, but I didn't. Life is so freaking short, I have wasted so many days "thinking" I'm just over it all. I really don't want to hear all the BS tell me what a piece of sh-t I am, you just havn't walked in my shoes. I feel like a caged animal. I want to explode. Sometimes I want to die, but I'm to smart for that, not to worry. I feel like a waste of life right now. I can't speak for anyone else, but I gave the most sacred part of me to someone else, and the connection is hard to let go of. Sorry if that makes me whatever some of you think, a whore, a monster, a copout. Yeah, I should have gotten a divorce a long time ago, before we had children. Yeah, I should get one now. It's so easy to do, did you know you can do it online for like $169.00, both partners take a course and all 25 years are washed away. Then everything will be great, thanks for everyones help. Reguards!
Dexter Morgan Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I have no idea how to answer your question. I'm weak, confused, angry, sad, spiteful and maybe just a little over all of it. just imagine how your H feels(or would feel if he doesn't already know). better yet, imagine how he would feel to know you still pine over the OM. I wish I could just stop and move on, really that is what I pray for all the time. I just don't know why I had an A fickleness? not suited for a monogomous relationship or marriage? selfishness? I wonder if I had an A with someone like the person who utlimately crushed me, so I would have the courage to move on, but I didn't. Life is so freaking short, I have wasted so many days "thinking" I'm just over it all. I really don't want to hear all the BS tell me what a piece of sh-t I am, you just havn't walked in my shoes. nor will I. and we don't have to walk in your shoes to see that your husband is ultimately insignificant to you, since you don't focus on him at all, and all you care about is YOUR feelings. I feel like a caged animal. I want to explode. Sometimes I want to die, but I'm to smart for that, not to worry. so why don't you get a divorce? Set your husband free from you. At least that way you can feel sorry for yourself without mentally abusing him. I feel like a waste of life right now. I can't speak for anyone else, but I gave the most sacred part of me to someone else, and the connection is hard to let go of. Sorry if that makes me whatever some of you think, a whore, a monster, a copout. Yeah, I should have gotten a divorce a long time ago, before we had children. Yeah, I should get one now. It's so easy to do, did you know you can do it online for like $169.00, both partners take a course and all 25 years are washed away. so why didn't you? because of the kids? if so, please...thats no reason. I initially thought I could stay with my wife for the kids, but realized my kids wouldn't have a happy father. Life now is so much better not being with a cheater, and I'm free to spend quality, happy time with my kids without her around. Then everything will be great, thanks for everyones help. Reguards! yes, everything will be great, or at the very least, much MUCH better for your husband.........who you still make no mention of at all.
White Flower Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 your husband is ultimately insignificant to you, since you don't focus on him at all, and all you care about is YOUR feelings. I'm sure she spent a lot of time focusing on her H of 25 years, perhaps too much, before she decided to cave into some of her own needs. Just because she didn't speak of him in her OP doesn't mean she didn't/doesn't consider him at all.
OWoman Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) I'm sure she spent a lot of time focusing on her H of 25 years, perhaps too much, before she decided to cave into some of her own needs. Just because she didn't speak of him in her OP doesn't mean she didn't/doesn't consider him at all. That always gets me. Someone posts about some issue they're having, trying to work through their feelings or come to a decision or just vent and have someone else understand, and some write "but what about (some other arb person)?" Uh, if that's not what the OP is asking about, if that's not IMMEDIATELY relevant to what's going on in their head, that's just background noise. Sure, it may be a piece of the ultimate puzzle, but if the OP is not yet at a place where they can stand back and consider that because of other, more insistent issues, it's about as useful as being told to remember to wrap up warm in winter while it's still spring. One thing I always remembered from counselling is, start from where the person is at. If, for example, they're feeling devalued because their employer of 15 years just made them redundant, it doesn't help to discuss economic policy with them. Yes, of course that's relevant to their situation, but before they can see that they need someone to see that for THEM, being dumped after 15 years felt like a betrayal, and that they feel hurt by it. mbm, as bent says, picturing someone you love with someone else (that they "love") is a common struggle for BSs - you might find some useful advice over in the Infidelity section, on how others have overcome this. I would guess that the problem in your case lies with the comparison between the hot loving you had with your OM, and the rather dull version you have with your H. You feel, I'm guessing, that you've been left with the cold MacDonald's takeaways while you can see someone else tucking into the gourmet meal. Edited December 11, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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