sadfreddy Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Hello all, I'm new to the board and never tried an "online relationship anything," but I am really in despair and could use some advice. I am a male, 23 years of age and I have been dating a girl for 2 years now and I decided to break up with her. I sincerely love her with all my heart, but I felt uncertain about our relationship. The uncertainty is mainly due to me not knowing if I am ready for commitment. Therefore, I broke up with her because I felt that I was not ready nor worthy for the relationship. We had our ups and downs in arguments, but we always came back together, but recently I realized that all our troubles really came from me not being sure about the relationship in the long run and thus creating uncertainty in both of us. In the end I never wanted to part from her but I wanted to part from the relationship due to my uncertainty of maintaining one. (Yes this is my first girlfriend and my first relationship). It has been 2 days since I broke up with her and I can't stop thinking about her at all. I am completely devastated and I know I care for her and I feel as though I want to go back to her but I can't because 1) trust has been broken, (how can you go back or believe someone that just broke up with you???) 2) I do not want to be rude/hurt her by showing up again at her doorstep since she is also heartbroken and trying to get over me. I feel as though she is looking for Mr. Right and I wanted to date her to get to know her better and although I want to be Mr. Right, I am also nervous about the long term. It is a big step in terms of moving in and adjusting to one another. I am not sure if I am ready or can handle such a commitment. Had I not broken up with her that would have been the arrangement for next year. We would have lived together as boyfriend/girlfriend and continue our relationship. I began to worry that "what if this doesn't work out and I break up with her?" I started to worry about the pain she would go through and that the longer we are together the worse the breakup would be. Therefore, I initiated the breakup now. The story is a bit more complicated than that and I could write more, but that's the short version of it. Basically I broke up with her because I felt I couldn't be the man she wanted, but now I feel horrible and miss her with all my heart. I know the breakup is recent and she would probably be hurt more if I came back to her in an indecisive manner. With this scenario in mind, can I ever see her again? Is there a chance to be friends? How can I tell if I am ready for a relationship? I miss her dearly and I want to see her again but I do not want to cause her more pain. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I went through the same situation as you in my first relationship. I broke up with her because I do not know what i wanted and didn't want to waste her time anymore. She was heartbroken and tried to turn me around. I made the wrong decision by going back to her and hurting her again. Give yourself some time to think carefully, as hard as it sounds, don't let your feelings cloud your judgment. You will just repeat the same mistakes if you allow your feelings to control you.
Author sadfreddy Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I went through the same situation as you in my first relationship. I broke up with her because I do not know what i wanted and didn't want to waste her time anymore. She was heartbroken and tried to turn me around. I made the wrong decision by going back to her and hurting her again. Give yourself some time to think carefully, as hard as it sounds, don't let your feelings cloud your judgment. You will just repeat the same mistakes if you allow your feelings to control you. I will do that. I will try to be as objective as possible. I know I care for her and what lead to the breakup in the first place is my uncertainty of what it means to be in a relationship. I feel as though being 23 and not established makes me unable to have a real relationship. She is older than I am and has always been there for me. I know I want to be with her too, but I do not know if I can live up to what it means to have a relationship. I just do not want to lose someone and regret it. There is nothing wrong with her, only me and it is very hard to know if I did the right thing. I think to myself, "what have I done" or "why did I break up with her?" At any rate, this is very difficult for me and 2 years feels like 10 years. I accept her for who she is, faults and all, yet I am so uncertain about the aspect of a relationship. Sorry for rambling on, but I feel better typing to this board.
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Your thoughts are very similar to what i had. I really wanted to be with her but i couldn't really decide what i wanted. On hindsight after so many years, i know now that i was afraid to commit, I wanted to experience more of what life had to offer was afraid that I might just fall for someone else and hurt her in the process. I went back to her but the same problems kept repeating and I ended things with her again few years later. I simply do not know what i wanted. Im not saying you're the same as me but knowing my experience might inject a new perspective in you.
Author sadfreddy Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Your thoughts are very similar to what i had. I really wanted to be with her but i couldn't really decide what i wanted. On hindsight after so many years, i know now that i was afraid to commit, I wanted to experience more of what life had to offer was afraid that I might just fall for someone else and hurt her in the process. I went back to her but the same problems kept repeating and I ended things with her again few years later. I simply do not know what i wanted. Im not saying you're the same as me but knowing my experience might inject a new perspective in you. I think I'm worried about the same thing "wanting to experience more of what life has to offer." I feel that maybe I won't be able to do all the things I want to do if I am in a relationship. I thank you for your advice. I feel a bit selfish, but I think the best thing I can do is let her go. It hurts and I want to speak with her, but I think I'll only make things worse if I contact her. If she contacts me, is it okay to respond? In your experience, is it okay for a couple that broke up to send birthday or holiday wishes? These may be stupid questions, but I really don't know how I'm supposed to go about this. It is not easy to just turn feelings on and off.
Torn_apart Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 It happens to the best of us and more so that you're still very young. Since you cannot give what she needs at this point of time, it is only right to let her go. I would suggest minimal contact with her so that she can move on, even the slightest contact might give her false hopes. Learn from this experience, as i have. In time, you will learn more about yourself and what you really want.
Author sadfreddy Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Thanks, I feel a bit better having someone to talk this over with. I really appreciate your advice and I think I'll just give this some time. I feel that what makes me most uncertain is the idea that what if this relationship limits my abilities to travel, move, and partake in other activities? I'm not saying that it is impossible but with a partner it makes it more difficult. I'm definitely not over her, but I think I'll let this sit and restrain myself from contacting her. It hurts but I think this is for the best. As far as dating goes, I dunno how others feel about this but I know I will not want to date until I age a bit. Even if its just "casual dating" as some people say, (whatever that means) hearts get tangled up and with time it leads to wanting something steady; which is something I'm not ready for. Thanks again.
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