Broken Up. Moved out. So Sad. .

[SpaceCase]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I am 33. She is 35. About a year ago she went through a period of being more distant than normal, but it came down to her needing to take more space for herself, which I welcomed. It passed and we were completely in love again. We moved in together and continued planning a life.

 

Two weeks ago she became distant again. This made us both sad for our own reasons, but I figured it was part of the ebb and flow and she took the fact that she was feeling distant again as a sign that she needed more space.

 

She broke up with me on Monday.

 

She said after a long therapy session she figured out that what she needed was to make space for her. I just listened. She said that she has been trying to fix the distance feeling in the relationship for so long that she's exhausted, and what she's realized is that it wasn't the relationship - it was her. Her past is cluttered with abusive and unstable relationships and I think this is the first time she's had a stable one since highschool. She hasn't had to be emotionally invested and perhaps what she's realized is that she needs to do some self work and can't figure out how to balance that work with a relationship. She said for the last year she's been waiting for the space to appear within herself, and it just hasn't, and has hindered the passion and the desire to be in a relationship.

 

She confirmed that she was sad but thought that a complete break was the only way she would truly be able to get the space she needed to focus on her. She said it wasn't that I was bad or not a good partner, or that we had a crummy dynamic, but that she wasn't happy where she was right now - and she was afraid she was going to make a mistake but felt she needs this right now. I told her I love her and want her to be happy, and I would respect that decision.

 

She wanted me to stay Monday night, and I did. She wrapped around me and curled up on my chest and said that she would be lying if she didn't have hope. When I asked for clarity around that, she said that she hoped that in the space she would be able to unfold and find a balance so that we could be together again. She also said that maybe my being gone for the next week would give her the jolt she needed. I am not putting much stock in that.

 

The relationship had no lying, no mistreatment, no infidelity, no games. We laugh non-stop and have both acknowledged that our relationship is such a solid foundation we're both blessed to have with one another this amazing connection. I really think she is confused and unclear but exhausted by trying to fix what she thought was the relationship, and feels there is nothing left to experience the joy and passion of it.

 

I got the majority of my things today. I saw an ad she was working on looking for a roommate (gotta pay the bills, I get it...)I'm leaving most of the stuff I bought for us there cause I don't need it and she does. I truly do love her and if she needs this to be happy (with or without me), I want her to have it... but it is so difficult going from madly in love to moving out without a fallout.

 

Why did she mention hope? An attempt to make the breakup softer? I can't believe that she can go from wearing a ring and 'loving how it looks and feels' and talking about having a child to I need more space than I can get in a relationship when there is nobody else in the picture...

 

Is is possible for someone to take space, work on themselves, and end up missing their partner enough to want to work it out? Is that a days/weeks/months/years thing? Can passion return?

 

I'm haven't been in touch with her in an attempt to respect her request for space... but dangit this is just tearin me up.

Edited December 6, 2009 by SpaceCase

[Boundary Problem]

She is indecisive right now. You will make yourself miserable trying to anticipate her next more, because she has no next move.

 

 

Just set your own calendar, keeping in mind your feelings for her, and move forward with your own life. New people entering your life will come naturally.

 

You can't run both sides of the relationship. Too exhausting and not that productive.

 

Just be your own man as they say here on LS - she knows where to find you.

[SpaceCase]

thank you. moving out just feels so finalizing of it all. I didn't know if there was anyone who has come back from that.

 

i'm going to work every day, eating right, exercising... i'm keeping it together... this was just a really hard blow from someone who was just talking about "our life" a few weeks ago.

[madrugada]

This is a tough situation, and it mirrors mine in a lot of ways. I really feel for you.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like she has many issues she needs to deal with, and her decision that she needed to be alone to deal with them was hers to make.

 

It sounds like you've been handling it well, considering how difficult it must be. What you've got to do now is, first of all, maintain no contact with her. I can't stress that enough. Then focus on yourself. Understand she's no longer a part of your life and move forward.

 

If there is hope, if the space you give her makes her realize what she's lost, she'll let you know. But don't make the mistake I and a lot of other posters on here have made and beg her to change her mind. That will only push her further away.

 

Play it cool. If she hints of any possibility of reconciling, take it from there. Otherwise, you're on your own. Make the best of it.

[billy356]

I have to say form what you wrote you handled the situation with great maturity and poise. There arent many of us who could have reacted in the same calm, collected, compassionate way that you did. While it had to hurt deep inside you did well.

 

This may be a rare time when I would say that given the history, given the way that you handled it, there may very well be a chance to reconnect at some point. But the danger in saying this is that you do not want to cling on to hope alone to get throiugh this. Doing that will be destructive and slow your recovery down to a crawl.

 

Proceed as though this is a final breakup. No contact is absolute. If she comes to you, decide for yourself if you can handle whatever she has to say emotionally and proceed from there.

 

You have gone about things in a very deliberate and logical manner so far. Keep going down that path and regardless of the final outcome you will come out just fine.

 

This is the toughest type of breakup there is, but even this pain can be manageable.

[SpaceCase]

Thank you all for your input.

 

I appreciate the support. This is by far, again, the hardest breakup I've ever gone through. Mostly because I never had a plan B. I truly believed she was the one.

 

I am trying to take comfort in the fact that her friends and family were very fond of me, though I haven't contacted them and don't plan on it. That also makes it hard to walk away from... or rather, be pushed away from.

 

I'm such a 'data' person that even though I know the statistics span the gammut, nobody knows when or if someone is going to miss them and want to reforge that connection. In an ideal universe, it would be "if she's going to want to try again, it will be in 3 weeks". but there are no guarantees and aside from requesting in a note to let me know when she was not going to be home so I can get my couch and dresser, i don't plan on seeing/engaging with her. I certainly won't be the one dialing. I want her to come to me (if she does) of her own volition and desire to do so --- and be clear about that.

 

Her note to me that I found this morning started with "hey babe", she said i could call her if i want to/ need to about house stuff, and ended with "i love you".

 

This is just so hard. I'm more confused about what seems to be her clarity that she wants this over than anything. I guess that's how the cookie crumbles.

 

Thank you all for your continued input and support. It's one of my many distractions right now that I need to stay clear of contacting her.