How to stop being so sensitive?

[pandagirl]

My feelings get hurt really easily. I have the intellectual capabilities to rationalize my emotions, and to understand and evaluate situations for what they are, but no matter what -- I get upset all the time.

 

Sometimes I feel like the world is too much for me. At heart, I am an idealist who sees the best in people, and perhaps that is my downfall.

 

But how can I adjust my emotions to stop getting crushed all the time? It's exhausting.

[johan]

Rationalizing won't help if your rationalizations are always founded on your basic beliefs about the world. You need to change what your beliefs are. Your emotional reactions are based on what you believe, not what you tell yourself you believe.

[Devil Inside]

This is something that many people struggle with. How to get your head and your heart to align. Never an easy task.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that we are all wired differently. Our nervous systems are very unique. We also have different life experiences and these also color the way we perceive our interactions with others. You may have to accept that you are a sensitive person. This does not mean you can not learn to have more emotional regulation...but it may just be who you are. It is probably one of the things that people may also love about you. People that are more sensitive tend to be very empathic, passionate, and fun to be around.

 

So one thing you mentioned is that you feel that you may be having cognitive distortion around your expectations. Are you shoulding on yourself? What I mean is...do you have this automatic thought that people should always react in a certain way? Or they should always do this? If you evaluate this process in yourself you may find that you do have some very high expectations for others...or...that you take these interactions too personal. If you feel like this may be your issue then you will find the literature on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helpful. I would look for material by Aaron Beck or Albert Ellis.

 

Another thing that may be helpful is reading some literature on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). I use DBT with a lot of clients in my practice that struggle with being easily hurt. There are some great books out there...or even a website with free materials ... dbtselfhelp.com

 

Good luck!

[Island Girl]

it may just be who you are. It is probably one of the things that people may also love about you. People that are more sensitive tend to be very empathic, passionate, and fun to be around.

 

I acknowledge my feelings can get hurt easily. But as DI says it is part of me - I am the other side too - very empathetic, passionate, etc. and I know it is all kind of the same ball of wax so to speak.

 

Change one the others will change too and I am fine with me as I am.

 

So yes my feelings can get hurt more often. But once I got a good handle on personal boundaries and how to state what I want clearly I am generally happy and NOT hurt by others.

I also have gathered a handful of friends over the years that are real friends and have my best interests at heart in all things.

Honesty in all parts of your life brings peace and safety.

[Devil Inside]

So yes my feelings can get hurt more often. But once I got a good handle on personal boundaries and how to state what I want clearly I am generally happy and NOT hurt by others.

I also have gathered a handful of friends over the years that are real friends and have my best interests at heart in all things.

Honesty in all parts of your life brings peace and safety.

 

Two excellent points here. Boundaries are vital! As is a good support system.

 

How are you on those two fronts OP?

[pandagirl]

This is something that many people struggle with. How to get your head and your heart to align. Never an easy task.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that we are all wired differently. Our nervous systems are very unique. We also have different life experiences and these also color the way we perceive our interactions with others. You may have to accept that you are a sensitive person. This does not mean you can not learn to have more emotional regulation...but it may just be who you are. It is probably one of the things that people may also love about you. People that are more sensitive tend to be very empathic, passionate, and fun to be around.

 

So one thing you mentioned is that you feel that you may be having cognitive distortion around your expectations. Are you shoulding on yourself? What I mean is...do you have this automatic thought that people should always react in a certain way? Or they should always do this? If you evaluate this process in yourself you may find that you do have some very high expectations for others...or...that you take these interactions too personal. If you feel like this may be your issue then you will find the literature on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helpful. I would look for material by Aaron Beck or Albert Ellis.

 

Another thing that may be helpful is reading some literature on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). I use DBT with a lot of clients in my practice that struggle with being easily hurt. There are some great books out there...or even a website with free materials ... dbtselfhelp.com

 

Good luck!

 

A very helpful reply -- thank you! (You must be a psychologist, no? My friend who is a psychologist uses DBT pretty much exclusively to treat BPD patients.)

 

My "sensitive" nature has made me a lot of good friends. I am happy to say I have surrounded myself with really good people, and part of what makes me a good friend is that I'm thoughtful, empathetic and a good listener. However, this "asset" has been a disaster when it comes to dating. I end up getting so hurt at the smallest deceptions and behaviors that it takes me a very long time to recover, because I take it so personally.

 

And yes, I do feel like people should always act in a certain way. As a friend once told me, I am the most moral person they know. My conscious doesn't really enable me to behave in less-than-upstanding ways, because the guilt I feel is enormous. For instance, when I see a homeless person, and I don't give them money, I feel physically feel awful and the sadness will remain with me for a good 5-10 minutes thinking about it.

 

Ironically, most people do not view me as a "sensitive" person as I'm not especially openly expressive. I keep it all inside.

[pandagirl]

Two excellent points here. Boundaries are vital! As is a good support system.

 

How are you on those two fronts OP?

 

Support system = good.

 

Boundaries...not so good. I've gotten better over the years, but my caring nature has definitely been taken advantage of in the past.

 

Thing might be an important thing to point out: I tend to get hurt, almost because I'm too empathetic and understanding, unable to see the fault in the OTHER person. When someone treats me poorly, I almost rationalize their behavior for them.

[Devil Inside]

Support system = good.

 

Boundaries...not so good. I've gotten better over the years, but my caring nature has definitely been taken advantage of in the past.

 

Thing might be an important thing to point out: I tend to get hurt, almost because I'm too empathetic and understanding, unable to see the fault in the OTHER person. When someone treats me poorly, I almost rationalize their behavior for them.

 

Yeah...I am a therapist. DBT was originally created for suicidal women with BPD...BUT...it has been shown to be effective in many other situations.

 

Boundaries..ah yes....the B word. See it must be hard for others. Here you are, sensitive, expecting the best in people...and yet you keep it to yourself. That is a recipe for getting hurt. Part of having healthy boundaries is letting others know what you need, what you expect, and what you are not okay with. Without this information how can you expect them to read your mind?

 

If you think guilt is an obstacle to allowing you to establish boundaries...well this is a common issue. It is one that often comes from a deeper place. Does that resonate with you at all?

[Boundary Problem]

So yes my feelings can get hurt more often. But once I got a good handle on personal boundaries and how to state what I want clearly I am generally happy and NOT hurt by others.

I also have gathered a handful of friends over the years that are real friends and have my best interests at heart in all things.

Honesty in all parts of your life brings peace and safety.

 

 

I am the same way. So I only allow 'pure' hearted people close to me, or I am alone.

 

I can't play the normal games that people play. Anyways, really restricting those who are close to me allows me to be "as good as I can" on the boundaries thing - which is always a struggle for those of us who 'love too much'.

 

If you allow someone who doesn't care for you to get too close, the effects can be shocking. It is amazing how important emotional sanity and happiness is for our lives and bodies to function properly.

[pandagirl]

Boundaries..ah yes....the B word. See it must be hard for others. Here you are, sensitive, expecting the best in people...and yet you keep it to yourself. That is a recipe for getting hurt. Part of having healthy boundaries is letting others know what you need, what you expect, and what you are not okay with. Without this information how can you expect them to read your mind?

 

If you think guilt is an obstacle to allowing you to establish boundaries...well this is a common issue. It is one that often comes from a deeper place. Does that resonate with you at all?

 

I have gotten better, but I don't know how to set boundaries early. It usually takes me a while establish relationship with other people, and it usually more of an organic evolution, where boundaries are set through example and actions. I guess this is why dating is so difficult for me, because things need to move faster in a romantic situation. I can't casually "get to know" someone for a year, like you can in establishing a friendship, and yes -- this is how all of my close friends became my friends, a slow evolution, letting them in and letting down my walls (that aren't all the way down).

 

By "guilt," what kind of guilt do you mean.

[Island Girl]

I have gotten better, but I don't know how to set boundaries early. It usually takes me a while establish relationship with other people, and it usually more of an organic evolution, where boundaries are set through example and actions. I guess this is why dating is so difficult for me, because things need to move faster in a romantic situation. I can't casually "get to know" someone for a year, like you can in establishing a friendship, and yes -- this is how all of my close friends became my friends, a slow evolution, letting them in and letting down my walls (that aren't all the way down).

 

I find boundaries romantically are the easiest.

 

I expect phone calls not texts. I expect my time to be seen as worth something and if a man would like to make plans he should usually ask in advance.

When he has my time - let's say we are on the phone - then I expect I'd have his full attention for the duration of the call.

 

I expect to hear just as many questions as I ask. When I do speak I expect to be listened to not just heard. (I do not like to repeat myself - ever).

 

You set the standard of how you will be treated from the beginning. You maintain that as well. Maybe these few things will give you an idea of things you can set that works for you.

 

And trust me if you find a guy that is doing all this he isn't in it to hurt you.

[Devil Inside]

 

By "guilt," what kind of guilt do you mean.

 

Maybe guilt was the wrong word here. What I want to get at is...why is it that you rationalize others behavior. Why can't you allow yourself to see that not everyone will meet up to the standard you have set for yourself? What is the emotion blocking that? When you allow yourself to think that they behaved inappropriately...what emotion comes up for you?

[pandagirl]

 

I can't play the normal games that people play. Anyways, really restricting those who are close to me allows me to be "as good as I can" on the boundaries thing - which is always a struggle for those of us who 'love too much'.

 

If you allow someone who doesn't care for you to get too close, the effects can be shocking. It is amazing how important emotional sanity and happiness is for our lives and bodies to function properly.

 

"Love too much," is a good way to put it. But it makes me think I am trying to make up for something lacking in myself....

 

I find boundaries romantically are the easiest.

 

I expect phone calls not texts. I expect my time to be seen as worth something and if a man would like to make plans he should usually ask in advance.

When he has my time - let's say we are on the phone - then I expect I'd have his full attention for the duration of the call.

 

I expect to hear just as many questions as I ask. When I do speak I expect to be listened to not just heard. (I do not like to repeat myself - ever).

 

You set the standard of how you will be treated from the beginning. You maintain that as well. Maybe these few things will give you an idea of things you can set that works for you.

 

And trust me if you find a guy that is doing all this he isn't in it to hurt you.

 

You know, the last guy I dated, I was very careful. I was mindful of his actions. There were one or two red flags, but they were overlooked by me because I was still getting to know him. He always called me, and called me back, acted interested, sent me presents, was very sweet, etc. I thought I really DID a good job at setting my standards. I felt something change at one point in our relationship and I heeded my intuition -- turned out I was right. He was seeing another woman besides me the entire time. I told him I wasn't OK with it, it ended. I felt SO led on and hurt. I am such an honest person, and I felt utterly deceived.

 

Maybe guilt was the wrong word here. What I want to get at is...why is it that you rationalize others behavior. Why can't you allow yourself to see that not everyone will meet up to the standard you have set for yourself? What is the emotion blocking that? When you allow yourself to think that they behaved inappropriately...what emotion comes up for you?

 

This is a good question -- why do I rationalize others' behaviors? One thing is I never allow myself to feel angry. I push anger deep down inside of me...like it's a "bad" emotion to feel.

 

In the dating situation I described above, I still am harboring hurt feelings over the situation -- but I never allowed myself to be angry. I wonder if this is why it takes me such a long time to get over things?

 

Instead of feeling angry, I turn it into feeling very, very hurt and sad. Instead of getting mad at the other person, I feel that I wasn't good enough. If I cared about that person, I think that they MUST have had a good reason to do what they did, therefore feeling like I deserved the treatment I received.