What do I do?

[Blind]

Hello,

 

I'm new to the forum but I have been lurking here for quite sometime now ever since my SO and I have had problems. A lot of it has to deal with cheating (on his part) and not being able to spend as much time together (we have a LDR). It's a a crazy cycle that I have finally learned from and am actually willing to give up now. The reality of it all is that even though he is my SO, he is "technically" not my BF, so he is not technically cheating, or technically doesn't feel any responsibility for us. At least that's how he looks at it. Basically, he is a non-commitment type of guy - would want to be with me, yet doesn't have the time for a relationship, and won't have one with anyone else. I have tried to breakaway from him many times (due to cheating, yet he would always assure me that he is not involving himself with anyone else, etc.) He was at one point very aggressive towards me when I tried to leave him and told me how much he cared for me. It was quite a scene and something I did not really expect from him. I guess I am in some way finding an excuse to believe that he will one day truly want to be with me exclusively. But why would I want someone who dragged me along for such a long time? Please. I deserve better. We have been going at this for years now. We had a major blowout a few months ago (after finding out he kissed some stupid girl on a trip, and other questionable affairs) and tried to work things out over the phone. We would get very emotional and he promised me that things would be taken cared of when he returned, then we would fight the next, and then just absolutely disastrous. He was very irresponsible with communication, and so then I decided to go NC for a couple of months. It wasn't until recently that I contacted him. At this point I have realized that I don't want to be with anyone such as him, and that I had this feeling he was cheating and doing someone. Our relationship was non-sexual and a lot of it really came from the heart, at least on my end. I was not going to have sex with him until I had that exclusivity. So to me that was the stick that broke the camel's back. I do not want to be with him, especially if he's touched someone else. Do I still love him? Because I am stupid, yes. My problem is that I want to part ways with him, yet he is avoiding all forms of communication. We only really stop talking until we "officially" call it quits (have done this many times), until one of us try and initiate contact again. He tells me that I should wait until he returns so that we can talk, but I know where that is going to lead: him trying to have me on his side again. So I want to end things already, but I do seek closure for myself. I think it's more for my well-being, as the last time we've parted ways there were always questions in my mind and then I would end up contacting him again. What he's telling me now is that he doesn't want to talk on the phone and is basically avoiding all my questions. One of them is whether he's sleeping with someone (that would be it for me), which he hasn't answered.

 

What should I do? Do I wait until he gets back? Even though this post doesn't present this as much, this was really so much a relationship. I have to warn you that he has such a strong power over me. I want to go NC, but I think all my anger and questions are going to kill me, especially picturing his current lifestyle. Girls have the tendency to throw themselves at him (red flag). It won't be until a month or so until I see him again - next year.

[billy356]

First off, break up your posts into paragraphs more frequently and you will get more readers and responses, tough to read the way you typed it.

 

Secondly, I am confused as to why you think you had a relationship at all other than a friendship. LDR but you say he is not "technically" your bf. Doesnt sound like much intimate relations...he got over-the-top angry at you once...I mean it just doesnt all add up.

 

What it sounds like is he thinks of your relationship as a friendship with possible benefits down the line and you think of him as your bf even if you dont say that in public. I would be surprised if he didn't have something else going on with another girl. Lack of communication plus hostility when there is communication would indicate guilt to me.

 

I am not sure how old you guys are, as that would play a factor here, but it sounds like neither of you are cut out for a LDR..don't feel bad most people arent. It looks pretty clear to me on this one. End the "relationship" and simply explain to him that this LDR thing isnt working. You have emotional needs that arent being met and you havent had enough time to establish trust which is vital in LDR and you can see where the trust issues are popping up as a result.

 

Then you need to go NC, full NC, and move on. It seems like there is more "hope for a love" here than what we would consider a true loving relationship so while it may seem hard right now, you are in a much better place than the rest of us as a general rule..lol

 

Find a guy that you can actually SEE on a regular basis, who can hold your hand, make you feel special and treat you like you should be treated. Get rid of this guy who obviously does not appreciate what he could have with you. And refuse to see him next month or you will start over from scratch afterwards.

 

wishing you the best...

[Blind]

First off, break up your posts into paragraphs more frequently and you will get more readers and responses, tough to read the way you typed it.

 

Secondly, I am confused as to why you think you had a relationship at all other than a friendship. LDR but you say he is not "technically" your bf. Doesnt sound like much intimate relations...he got over-the-top angry at you once...I mean it just doesnt all add up.

 

What it sounds like is he thinks of your relationship as a friendship with possible benefits down the line and you think of him as your bf even if you dont say that in public. I would be surprised if he didn't have something else going on with another girl. Lack of communication plus hostility when there is communication would indicate guilt to me.

 

I am not sure how old you guys are, as that would play a factor here, but it sounds like neither of you are cut out for a LDR..don't feel bad most people arent. It looks pretty clear to me on this one. End the "relationship" and simply explain to him that this LDR thing isnt working. You have emotional needs that arent being met and you havent had enough time to establish trust which is vital in LDR and you can see where the trust issues are popping up as a result.

 

Then you need to go NC, full NC, and move on. It seems like there is more "hope for a love" here than what we would consider a true loving relationship so while it may seem hard right now, you are in a much better place than the rest of us as a general rule..lol

 

Find a guy that you can actually SEE on a regular basis, who can hold your hand, make you feel special and treat you like you should be treated. Get rid of this guy who obviously does not appreciate what he could have with you. And refuse to see him next month or you will start over from scratch afterwards.

 

wishing you the best...

 

Thanks for the advice, and apologies for my lengthy post. Basically I have come to the understanding that I was only being stupid by allowing him to run my life. He wanted me to wait until he was ready for a relationship and basically dragging me along. We were physical in a partnership sense, but never sexual (my choice).

 

He would early in our relationship, call us exclusive, and then back out saying he was not ready. Using the word "trust" as defense every time I would question him. I think he was only doing this because he did not like being committed and did his deeds.

 

There were so many red flags in this relationship yet I was dumb enough to ignore them. He's a player. I will go NC and let this son of a bitch haunt himself with all that his done.

[billy356]

You go girl! ;-)

[dazzle22]

Good for you. But you really need to ask yourself why you hung in so long with this emotional torture. Is it repeating some pattern you saw modeled in your family of origin? That is the source of all neuroses that we repeat and repeat and don't know why....you want to get some insight here so you don't do this again, and trust me, sure as rain you will find yourself around this mountain again unless you answer this question...

[billy356]

Personally I am thinking that this has to do more with age than a regressive personality trait. I will bet that Blind is under 21 and hasnt had a very serious relationship yet.

 

There is nothing wrong with that of course but without experience it is hard to know what to expect from a relationship and also hard to determine what you want from a relationship.

 

Once you have a couple relationships and the requisite breakups you will find that you understand a little more about what is right and what is wrong for you. Until then it is very easy to get wrapped up in things like this because you lack perspective.

[Blind]

Good for you. But you really need to ask yourself why you hung in so long with this emotional torture. Is it repeating some pattern you saw modeled in your family of origin? That is the source of all neuroses that we repeat and repeat and don't know why....you want to get some insight here so you don't do this again, and trust me, sure as rain you will find yourself around this mountain again unless you answer this question...

 

Thanks Billy!

 

Dazzle - Yes, it was modeled in my family. Both my mother and sister were cheated, my sister left her husband but my parents are working it out.

 

It is unclear as to why I stayed for so long. During the time he told me he cared for me (more than anything), he was very physical and grabbed me by the neck because I tried to run away. It was very physical and was done in such a public scene. I guess one of the reason is because there was such a burning passion in this relationship. I don't think I've ever felt anyone cared for me that much, not even from previous relationships. Even when we were 'separated', I completely blinded myself from others. And I get hit on all the time! He does too, more so than me, but I guess I never believed he was capable of fighting temptations. Just a part-time lover.

 

He is ridiculously attractive, and we never had sex, yet I know in my gut he has had sex with other/s during our time apart, which is just a sword to my stomach. Why was I saving for the 'right time' when he can easily spread and share himself around? I'm such an idiot. This man obviously doesn't know how to value anything.

 

The relationship was also very verbally abusive, which probably added to why I stayed for so long.

 

At the end of the day, he's a coward. I don't exactly know why he wants to keep me around and tries to avoid the breakup. I will learn to un-love him. He's very promiscuous, and I think I fell in love with his cocky attitude. I am also very insecure, and I found out later on that he is too, but he has a better way of hiding it. I felt some sort of protection from it.

 

My only problem is that I can't stop picturing him with others, what they are doing, every detail. I know! I can't stop this and when it takes over I end up contacting him asking him to answer more of his lies. How do you distract yourself from doing this? I get so angry at how much I was played and sometimes I do seek revenge, yet I don't think I want to give him an ounce of my time. There are so many questions that I just want answered, I think it will give me closure some way.

[billy356]

The picturing him with others will pass.

 

In the meantime get a journal and everytime you have a moment where it gets too intense, instead of contacting him, write about it. You will be amazed at how calming the physical act of writing can be. And as an added bonus you will always have a record of how you felt so that if you are tempted to get back together with him you can just read your entries and realize your mistake.

[Blind]

Personally I am thinking that this has to do more with age than a regressive personality trait. I will bet that Blind is under 21 and hasnt had a very serious relationship yet.

 

There is nothing wrong with that of course but without experience it is hard to know what to expect from a relationship and also hard to determine what you want from a relationship.

 

Once you have a couple relationships and the requisite breakups you will find that you understand a little more about what is right and what is wrong for you. Until then it is very easy to get wrapped up in things like this because you lack perspective.

 

I am over 21. I've had previous relationships before, but because I met him at such a young age (in my teens), we've grown to each other. I'll admit, I was partially attracted to him while I was in a relationship with someone else. We were both single when we got a little closer, but there were definitely some extra baggage. I guess after many years of knowing each other you forget little details that may add to the outcome of the relationship. I zoomed in immediately on what's happening now and not so much the past.

 

I think ultimately he did not want to commit. His lifestyle requires him to be away so much (I have 1/2 the year with him) and sometimes he comes and visits. But the underlining is that he doesn't want to commit and I think for reasons I've suspected - he's doing this to someone else as well, regardless of what he's saying.

 

One time we broke it off and I went NC, he actually had the audacity to text me asking if I was fully convinced that it ended there. Puhleaze. I can't believe I never fought enough for more and just waited until he was ready.

[Blind]

The picturing him with others will pass.

 

In the meantime get a journal and everytime you have a moment where it gets too intense, instead of contacting him, write about it. You will be amazed at how calming the physical act of writing can be. And as an added bonus you will always have a record of how you felt so that if you are tempted to get back together with him you can just read your entries and realize your mistake.

 

Thank you! I think writing a diary would be helpful, I haven't done that since I was a kid. Maybe possibly sending this to him once I've fully move on?

[billy356]

LOL...no...never send the "final letter" or anything you have written to the ex. That just continues the connection. Even if the intent is to make him see what effect he had on you, that is still a desire for connection, for affect, and is harmful to recovery.

 

It is also a contradiction in terms. You will never have "fully moved on" if you have the desire to send him anything like that. Think of it that way.

 

it is often helpful to write that final letter, the letter explaining that you are finally healed, it serves as a sort of closure for you. But it is never to be sent. Write it, put all your heart into it, say everything you want to say.

 

And then burn it.

[Blind]

Thanks for the great advice Billy. I actually burned one of his pictures and it felt really great. Writing this whole thing was very helpful - it made me see from a much clearer perspective. I would say that I'm mature when it came to relationships, but I really fell into his manipulative ways. This is really the most embarrassing example I can make, but our relationship is very similar to that of Justin Bobby and Audrina from that show The Hills. I was stunned at the similarity, and like Audrina, I was submitting myself to the guy.

 

Should I meet him? He insists so and a part of me wants to show him what he's lost. I was a mess the last time he saw me because we just had a fight and I went over to his place yelling at him. I want to remain NC and work on myself until we see each other. Do you think this is a good idea at all?

[billy356]

I personally wouldn't meet him if I were you. Especially if he is a manipulative type.

 

Since he has this evil power over you meeting him will just leave you confused and saying/agreeing to whatever he wants.

 

If you truly want to move on and regain control NC means NC. Just the fact that he is insisting means he doesnt respect your wishes. He will never realize what he has lost until he has TRULY lost it, therefore, no meeting, no emails, no calls, etc..

 

Just my opinion....

[Blind]

I personally wouldn't meet him if I were you. Especially if he is a manipulative type.

 

Since he has this evil power over you meeting him will just leave you confused and saying/agreeing to whatever he wants.

 

If you truly want to move on and regain control NC means NC. Just the fact that he is insisting means he doesnt respect your wishes. He will never realize what he has lost until he has TRULY lost it, therefore, no meeting, no emails, no calls, etc..

 

Just my opinion....

 

You are right! We actually spoke today, and yet again it was more fights and arguing and lies. I sent him my last email and will end it there. If I end up seeing him you know this thread will be bumped again (lol). I will stay strong...

[dazzle22]

Moths are drawn to flames, they don't consciously know why, but they are. This situation is similar. We cannot help but reinact patterns we saw modeled at home.

 

It's like kids who play out their issues with dolls. Ever listened to how kids play house? Tells you every issue in their family of origin.

 

We seek out certain types of people that "feel familiar" even if it is a bad feeling and then reenact "dances" that we saw play out at home, until we really take a look at this and our own role, and make concerted efforts to change this. The journal idea of another poster is ESSENTIAL to getting insights into yourself. Start a free flow journal of feelings, don't censure it, and when you look back, it will be very enlightening. There are also some great books in the "relationship" part of bookstores, excellent for working through such "stuck places". Good luck, and do the work!