Progress.....:) (long but interesting)

[Beeotch]

I took some time to kind of process things before immediately updating my situation....

 

So I have posted before that my ex has somewhat resurfaced in my life, broke up with the rebound and had come to admit certain things but I was not impressed. He seemed to be at the contemplation stage of change where you admit something is wrong but you're not quite ready to do anything about it...and although he tried to apologize for certain things and said he missed me, it seemed like he wanted a quick fix, it was a hurry-come-up process and it was just very underwhelming and almost insincere. So I brushed it off and it actually made me more anxious and upset than when I was wondering what he was thinking/doing....

 

Fastforward to this past Thursday

 

My bestfriend and I just came off the phone and were discussing him and his behavior as well as her ex, then she hangs up and was supposed to call back so I go ahead to get something to eat. 10 mins later my phone rings and I think it is her but I see it is his number (I know his number by heart but I unsaved it from my phone and in almost a superstitious way, I am scared to re-save it bc I feel like doing that symbolizes me fully accepting him into my life and in the past every time I was mad at him I deleted his number then sometimes he would pop up and we were okay so I resaved it but then he did something else that made me upset right after, soo now it is permanently unsaved until further notice )....ANYWAY...

 

Everytime he calls I always wonder, what can it be now? So I answer and we're talking, he was asking what was going on with me and I was updating him on school and so forth....he tells me how his ex/ex-rebound is leaving his house finally (which was a whole other scenario that upset me) and how his hot mess of a situation is now done. I sort of questioned him about her and it made me kind of angry but along the way he said she was a ncie girl but he would never marry her. We chit chat, he brings up old memories and said something or other reminded him of me so he called. He then asks when we can hang out. Something made me say "You can come visit me today"....after agreeing to that I wondered WTF had I done but in the end it worked out for the best.

 

To cut out the small details...he came by my apartment and the way he was interacting with me and looking at me, was as if he was looking at the best thing he had ever seen, the chemistry between us was how it was when we first dated etc....but I was very watchful and hesitant and pretended not to notice. We head to the car to go to the movies and and I made some comment and he goes "I missed your sarcastic a$$" and I replied "Whatever"...and he says "No I really did"....I ignored the comment.

 

We get to the movies and sit down and he asks "Would you mind if I put my arms around you?" and in my head I was like wtf.... but I said "That's fine". So we were like that....it felt good....BUT I am not an idiot and I am fully conscious and aware of not getting too caught up with him and I am testing his motives. Again the chemistry is like old times, when he says something to me he says it close to my ear/into my neck..all that.

 

We leave the movies and in the car he looks at me in this loving way and caresses my hair/smooths my hair and I asked why he was petting me like a dog and he said he wasn't.....I think I defensively had to "ruin the moment" because it was intense and I didn't know what to do.

 

 

We get back to my apartment, chill for a little then he has to leave so I walk him to the parking deck. Then I ask him to drop me back at my building. The ENTIRE time I was thinking about how I would say goodbye and how I would avoid awkwardness, would I hug him? Would I just thank him and jump out of the car....what would I do??? But fortunately he initiated the bye before I did and said "I had fun hanging out with you" and I said "Thanks for hanging out with me" and pull my door and he says "No problem, I told you I missed you. Thanks for hanging with me although you think I'm dangerous and bad for you" and I said "Yeppp that is true". So then he asks if I think he is bad and I tell him I do not think he is a bad person but he has issues that lead him to make choices that hurt me....soo we hug and then it becomes this intimate moment of looking into each other's eyes and doing the eskimo kisses (noses rubbing together) and he tries to kiss me and I put my fingers on his lips and said "I can't like you"...OMG lmao saying it now sounds like some cheesy movie.

 

That moment however lead into a conversation where finallllllllllllllllllllllly everything/most things were addressed. Where finallly I got to say ALL the things I had said to my bff, on LS etc but had not said to him. Months and months of pent up emotions, thoughts, anger were finally expressed to the source of it! I imagined the day to come and honestly, when it came, it was swwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeet!

 

 

We had an intimate, honest and open conversation for the first time since we broke up. For the first time I didnt feel like he was lying, holding back, ignoring me etc. I told him that I didn't trust him, I told him that I hated that he had that girl living with him, I told him that I thought he was a liar, I told him he hurt me so much, I told him I wanted him to bathe in the Ganges River in India, I told him about his dismissive avoidant attachment style, I told him how he made me want to throw up, I told him how I thought he deserved the Nobel Idiot Prize, I told him lots and lots....and it felt amaaaaaaaaazing!

 

What was best was he LISTENED. His apology this time seemed sincere, he told me that he never stopped liking me and was never not attracted to me but he said a lot of things so that I would get over him and not be hurt, he thought him saying he was out of love and didnt care if we were friends was what I wanted/needed to hear to be okay...I told him it was stupid and hurt me and made me haaate him. He actually looked ashamed as if you were scolding a little kid....he said that he felt remorseful and he did not want to hurt me and I asked if he was sorry just because I felt bad or was he sorry because w/i himself he felt what happened was wrong....he explained his remorse.

 

I asked him what would he have done differently and he said communicated with me more because at the time of our break up he was going through a lot and needed support and needed someone to lean on but he was stubborn and wanted to do things on his own and instead of using me he pushed me away....

 

At points he was honest and said he didn't really know how to express certain emotions in words and he is scared to say things that will make it worst/come out wrong...and I APPRECIATED it and told him that I prefer that honesty over lies or over him ignoring my emails etc because of not knowing what to say. He seemed actually vulnerable and reaaal!

 

He admitted to having issues he needed to work on and saying how his rebound relationship taught him a lot about compromise etc and I told him that I did not think hopping up into relationships help you to grow that much if your major issue involves relationships and he said well you practice things you're bad at and he used an example of if he's bad at presentations he has to do it more...and I said NO! Relationships are different, they involve other people and other people's feelings. You CANNOT use relationships as experiments to work on your issues, that is like me having a cheating problem and getting into a relationship to fix it or to see if I can not cheat...makes no sense, what if I do cheat do I say "Sorry...was using the relationship to test myself, guess I'm not over cheating"...NO! And he agreed.

 

He had to be up at 6 and it was almost 1 and I asked if he wanted me to shut up so he could leave and he said "As long as you have something to say I'm going to listen".....I told him that I didn't trust him and that even when he said nice things I didn't really believe because tomorrow it could be different. Every negative comment I said he actually looked remorseful and said he understood....

 

Important to me esp: I told him that for all I know he is talking to me now cause he wants to be all up on someone since he broke up recently (although in my heart I know that is not the case as that relationship was a sham to begin with and thus far ALL my intuitions about him and the situation have been on the money)....and he said that if he wanted to be all up on someone he could be all up on someone, it is not hard to find someone to be up on and if I really think that he couldn't find someone if that was what he wanted and I said "Well maybe u want to be all up on a particular person" and he said it wasn't the case.

 

During our talk he was staring at me and I asked him what he was thinking and he said he didnt want to tell me....then I made him tell me and he said "I know you're angry at me and you're upset and telling me this but despite all that, I still want to kiss you".... I was like "ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT SEX????" and he said "No I'm not...not since we've been in the car...and if I were?" and I told him I would be furious because we're talking about something serious and he's thinking about that and he then went on to say somehting I appreciated which was that while he is not going to lie and say he isn't sexually attracted to me, he is not going to have sex with me. I was glad to hear that because it was assurance that it was not some elaborate, I just want u for sex and my hormones are raging thing. I even jokingly said he should sleep over since he said he would listen as long as I was talking....and he thought I was serious and said he wouldn't because he would want to have sex with me and he doesnt want to do that.

FINALLY

 

Most importantly I asked him "What do you want from me?" He asked if it was a real question and I said yes it was....

 

He told me he wanted my friendship, he wanted to be able to hang out with me, he then went on to give a thoughtful response about how he wants me to trust him again, he hates that I don't trust him and how a small amount of dishonesty causes you to lose trust but it takes sooo much more to regain it...and I said "Indeed, that is very true" and he was kind of thinking aloud about how it is going to take time and he doesn't know how but he wants me to trust him and he also said "I know I have issues and things to work on and I want you to help me be a better person"...he said he was not ready to be in a relationship but he knows now that he is more ready to settle down.

 

On one hand I wanted him to say yes he wanted a relationship...BUT I'm like no...that makes no sense. He is NOT READY. The important part is he wants to work on the things essential to a relationship, friendship, TRUST and he wants my support and he also has settling down in mind...those have to come first before he hops into a relationship again prematurely and that is fine by me. I didn't really say anything because I was speeeechless! This is alllll surreal because as I said, it took a while...and because of his issues my ex is usually guarded and doesn't express his emotions and tries not to be vulnerable so seeing him almost naked and being honest with me, and I could FEEL the sincerity unlike before where I could feel the facade....it was A LOT!

 

He then asked me what I thought about it and I told him that I could do those things but I don't know because I have feelings for him so I don't know how to be his platonic friend. Platonic friends won't get mad if their friend is talking to other girls etc and if he did that I would be upset....and he asked me what I wanted him to do and I said you can do whatever you want, I want someone to not do things because THEY don't want to and not cuz I ask them not to...and he said "Im asking what u want me to do?" and I said I didn't want him to talk to other girls.....but Im not sure if he said anything.

 

So he really has to leave as it's after 1 and we hug and as we're hugging he whispers "I'm sorry"....and we do the eskimo kiss thing then we kiss. It wasn't a lusty sexual kiss...it was more of an emotionally communicative kiss...then we say bye.

 

SORRY FOR THE LENGTH....but that is my current situation. I feel such relief to have said all I needed to say for the past 8 months or so. I also feel relief in that my intuitions are on the money. I also feel more prepared to let him go if I have to as now I have closure...I am no longer angry with him etc. I don't know what the future holds...I know for sure I am not going to hop into ANYTHING. I actually have positioned myself in a seat by the Exit sign in case I need to leave....during the convo I also told him that if he remembered when I said I loved him unconditionally, I wasn't lying and Im not impulsive. It still stands BUT I also love myself and that means I am not going to accept any and anything from him or let him do whatever and be however just because of love..

 

I don't really know the direction things will take from here but they can ONLY get better I believe in prayer and so I pray about things I am uncertain about....it has worked thus far so I will continue asking for guidance from God/the universe on how to navigate this, how to help him but not hurt myself, etc. We'll see...but for now I am FREEEEE!

 

 

Edited December 5, 2009 by Beeotch

[EricaH329]

Wow, you weren't kidding about the long part

 

I'm in a rush so I scanned over the last few paragraphs, but I felt the need to comment.

 

I must admit, you are always so positive and give great advice, but I never really knew about your situation.

 

You are extremely perceptive. You have a knack for telling the difference between truth and bullsh*t (which most people struggle with).

 

I am very glad to hear that you feel free. Closure is the best feeling ever, isn't it?

 

I'm 100% positive that you will be able to move on from this point, and gain a lot of insight as to where he places into your life.

 

I am very, very happy for you!

[Beeotch]

Wow, you weren't kidding about the long part

 

I'm in a rush so I scanned over the last few paragraphs, but I felt the need to comment.

 

I must admit, you are always so positive and give great advice, but I never really knew about your situation.

 

You are extremely perceptive. You have a knack for telling the difference between truth and bullsh*t (which most people struggle with).

 

I am very glad to hear that you feel free. Closure is the best feeling ever, isn't it?

 

I'm 100% positive that you will be able to move on from this point, and gain a lot of insight as to where he places into your life.

 

I am very, very happy for you!

 

Yea I didnt realize it was sooo long til I was done.....

 

But thank you! I truly appreciate that

[HeavenOrHell]

That's great you to finally got to talk it all through, but it doesn't sound like closure, as in closure on the relationship, it sounds like more of an opening. How do you mean when you say you feel free? Not free of him, free to move on? It sounds so clear you both hope you can rebuild.

[puppydog]

Yeah, I agree with Heavenandhell. It sounded like something is starting up again.

[Beeotch]

That's great you to finally got to talk it all through, but it doesn't sound like closure, as in closure on the relationship, it sounds like more of an opening. How do you mean when you say you feel free? Not free of him, free to move on? It sounds so clear you both hope you can rebuild.

 

It is closure in terms of I no longer have 100 unanswered questions, no longer am I wondering what he thinks or feels, no longer am I angry at him. I now feel free to let him go if needs be.

 

Before this happened, I couldn't truly let him go because I could not let go of the hurt. The bigger problems were about the hurt and the feeling like this person does not care about me....so now that I know it is not really like that, I can exhale. But we have been broken up for 9 months and during that time I learned a lot and especially after the first 3 months or so, I did NC and really got my own strength and like I told him, I love you but my love for you doesn't mean I am going to just run to you and accept any ol thing, so it is actually a lot easier for me to keep moving in this direction (which is forward) rather than regressing. I think the length of time is what adds to it.

 

I mean...if we could rebuild, that would be good. I still love him. When we're together it is great BUT I am currently seated by the Exit sign as I said, meaning, I can weigh everything now, so much has happened where I have a more detached perspective and I am not just caught up in emotions....I am more scared to give him a second chance than I am to move on. I will definitely say though, that TIME and NC are great as it really helps you to be more sensible and rational and how I feel now and how I think now, I am in control, unlike perhaps 3 months after etc.

 

But I feel free...I no longer have anxiety, anger, unexpressed feelings toward him, speculations etc. I am trusting my intuition as of now and I just feel like a weight is off of me.

Edited December 6, 2009 by Beeotch

[DenverBachelor]

But I feel free...I no longer have anxiety, anger, unexpressed feelings toward him, speculations etc. I am trusting my intuition as of now and I just feel like a weight is off of me.

 

I hope it lasts for you. Unfortunately, every time I got some answers, it just raised other questions. There came a point where I had to say -- it is done.

 

Nice post (book)!

[Beeotch]

I hope it lasts for you. Unfortunately, every time I got some answers, it just raised other questions. There came a point where I had to say -- it is done.

 

Nice post (book)!

 

LOL @ book

 

But it will last....I already went through that stage of questions and answers that were short-lived. I dunno..but I looked at my break up in conscious stages...like I could FEEL when I got into a new stage. Throughout the whole thing I have had intuitive feelings, even dreams and such about it....and now I have entered a new era, the final stage of hurt that is. Where I now feel like the road ahead is clear.

 

Thanks for the well wishes.

[leap83]

Hi beeotch!

 

I'm very happy for you. I don't know your full story but by the sound of it - and I'm not going to go into "I'm in the same situation as you" scenario - some parts of your story are ringing bells in my head (ex. what your ex told you when you broke up; what you tried after you broke up; and what you were doing up to this point).

 

I hope it works out for the best. If you 2 were meant to be, it will be.

 

Funny - I believe we're around the same age (if I'm not mistaking) and it seems as though we both dated an "older" guy. LOL. If you don't mind me asking, how long were you 2 together before the break/break-up?

 

I look up to you and you're 100% right in your post. It took me a couple of months to realize the whole "friend" thing ain't really working out. So, I NC-ed him.

[Beeotch]

Hi beeotch!

 

I'm very happy for you. I don't know your full story but by the sound of it - and I'm not going to go into "I'm in the same situation as you" scenario - some parts of your story are ringing bells in my head (ex. what your ex told you when you broke up; what you tried after you broke up; and what you were doing up to this point).

 

I hope it works out for the best. If you 2 were meant to be, it will be.

 

Funny - I believe we're around the same age (if I'm not mistaking) and it seems as though we both dated an "older" guy. LOL. If you don't mind me asking, how long were you 2 together before the break/break-up?

 

I look up to you and you're 100% right in your post. It took me a couple of months to realize the whole "friend" thing ain't really working out. So, I NC-ed him.

 

I appreciate that..thanks!

 

Yea I'm 21 turning 22 and my ex is 26.

 

We were together for about 4 months.....and indeed it was not a long time but there was lots more quality than quantity and I think too after we first met we were almost inseparable.

[leap83]

I appreciate that..thanks!

 

Yea I'm 21 turning 22 and my ex is 26.

 

We were together for about 4 months.....and indeed it was not a long time but there was lots more quality than quantity and I think too after we first met we were almost inseparable.

 

You're welcome.

 

Yeah, you're the same age as me. And my ex is the same age as your ex.

 

And we were also together for 4 months. I agree with your last sentence. Haha. It's so odd how your story matches mine - except for the ending part.

 

It's been 2.5 weeks since NC. And it's not getting any easier (unfortunately).

[Beeotch]

Guess I am on the official road to reconciliation...sort of.

 

I am still very much leery, very much one foot in and one foot out, cautious, feeling like I am on thin ice, trying to decide if I should leave things as is and move forward with my life or go through the MASSSSSIVE work ahead to fix things.

 

I hung out with the ex last night...we ended up having another talk on our way back in which he volunteered in the car to say what was on his mind. He started saying how he has done a lot and had a list of things he wanted to do as a single guy and how he didnt do all the major ones but he did most and also some he didnt think of and how he's dated around and how he realizes he doesn't want to date around anymore and he wants to find a girl to settle down with and he wants his next relationship to be his last. He then said he likes me and feels like I am a good match for him and his only concern with me is what my plans are after school, and me going to graduate school and how long will I be in grad school, will I work etc because he doesn't want to have to do things by himself (financially) in the beginning and he has a negative opinions of housewives....

 

 

IM THINKING..."HOLD UP....QUE??"

 

So basically I gather my ex is looking to marriage (well he has already said before he wants to setlle down and get married)....but the way in which he is saying these things are as if we have been together, never broke up, so we're discussing our future. When that is NOT the case. We broke up...I did not factor him into my future in any real way anymore. These decisions and concerns are only relevant DURING a relationship. So I felt it as sort of inappropriate at that time to bring that up when we are NOT even back together and have not dealt with many issues. Basically he is putting cart waaaay before the horse. Like I get what he is saying...but I feel like those issues would work themselves out or arise and be more appropriate once we're together already NOT NOW! I also feels like he likes certainty and control when in reality he needs to realize he HAS to take risks and right now he can't be in control of this cuz he messed up before

 

 

Anyway....I told him that when we were together I thought more of that but when we broke up I didn't. We got to my apartment by then and he didn't say anything about it. He followed me up and we ended up sharing a passionate make-out session that in some ways I am not proud of because in some ways I want to "punish" him...but it was less sexual in nature as it was "loving". He also said he had to leave because he did not want to have sex with me, which I also appreciated because again, it kind of shows he is not just thinking with his dyck and trying to use me for instant gratification.

 

That's where I'm at....it is a HARD road. It's funny, people often speak of reconciliation or dream of it as if it going to be this blisss and so great and easy and happy now. It's not. Yes it is good to know they care etc, but if you are SERIOUS and not just hurriedly jumping back into things....you have soo much to think about and consider, so many fears and thoughts and questions and concerns. It is not an easy thing. If you have standards for yourself you have worries about will they meet it, are they willing, how will I handle it if they aren't, can I walk away etc....soooo much! So that's me right now...trying to figure this new journey out.....

[Beeotch]

You're welcome.

 

Yeah, you're the same age as me. And my ex is the same age as your ex.

 

And we were also together for 4 months. I agree with your last sentence. Haha. It's so odd how your story matches mine - except for the ending part.

 

It's been 2.5 weeks since NC. And it's not getting any easier (unfortunately).

 

 

Girl.....I have come a LONNNNG way!

 

I don't know all the details, but it does get easier, it doesn't sound very helpful now but believe me. I was definitely there. In June was when I initially started NC and I guess it was a relief because I had been trying the friends thing for about 2 months or so and was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired of that.

 

But yes....it is the best thing to do. It really is. I always say "The medicine that does the job does not always taste the best". It's hard but essentially like nasty vitamins that will help you.

 

I stopped chasing my ex, stopped calling, texting and contacting him and he came around and was the one who reached out to me. I did not do NC to get him back, but as I said...I FELT my situation was specific and I had intuitions guiding me throughout so it was like "I knew" how it would turn out so I decided I did all I can...and I really did...now I have to leave it be. I did, and now 5/6 months after the initial decision of NC, I am where I'm at and have had much time to grow and think and become wiser.

[leap83]

 

Girl.....I have come a LONNNNG way!

 

I don't know all the details, but it does get easier, it doesn't sound very helpful now but believe me. I was definitely there. In June was when I initially started NC and I guess it was a relief because I had been trying the friends thing for about 2 months or so and was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired of that.

 

But yes....it is the best thing to do. It really is. I always say "The medicine that does the job does not always taste the best". It's hard but essentially like nasty vitamins that will help you.

 

I stopped chasing my ex, stopped calling, texting and contacting him and he came around and was the one who reached out to me. I did not do NC to get him back, but as I said...I FELT my situation was specific and I had intuitions guiding me throughout so it was like "I knew" how it would turn out so I decided I did all I can...and I really did...now I have to leave it be. I did, and now 5/6 months after the initial decision of NC, I am where I'm at and have had much time to grow and think and become wiser.

 

Well, I have tried staying friends for 2.5 months. However, I have put a lot of work into trying to string up a friendship and I got tired of it. I care deeply about him and definitively not on the level of friendship. I've come a far way since the break-up and right now, I'm at a point in life where I'm actually looking forward to my future and pretty happy about my life and myself (which I didn't feel when I was with him, not because of him but because I was lost in general).

 

Just like you, I feel like my situation is specific as well. Deep down, I'm almost certain he still has feelings for me and he's only trying to bury them deeper, because he believes he cannot make me happy.

 

I'm notorious for taking risks in life at the right point in time. Right now, I have the next 4 yrs set. None of those decisions were based on him but only me. The way I see it right now is that I've got nothing to lose in terms of him because I have nothing - we don't have a strong friendship because we've never gotten around to building it and we're not together (so nothing to lose).

 

You've "waited" a long time for your ex to come around. I mean, 5-6 months is A LOT of time and you still love him, which means one thing (because by this time your feelings would have faded away).

 

Right now I'm at "Whatever happens, happens." I'm not looking for reconciliation or expecting it or hoping for it. I do miss him, but I have no hope of being with him again. Sad, but true.

[leap83]

Guess I am on the official road to reconciliation...sort of.

 

I am still very much leery, very much one foot in and one foot out, cautious, feeling like I am on thin ice, trying to decide if I should leave things as is and move forward with my life or go through the MASSSSSIVE work ahead to fix things.

 

I hung out with the ex last night...we ended up having another talk on our way back in which he volunteered in the car to say what was on his mind. He started saying how he has done a lot and had a list of things he wanted to do as a single guy and how he didnt do all the major ones but he did most and also some he didnt think of and how he's dated around and how he realizes he doesn't want to date around anymore and he wants to find a girl to settle down with and he wants his next relationship to be his last. He then said he likes me and feels like I am a good match for him and his only concern with me is what my plans are after school, and me going to graduate school and how long will I be in grad school, will I work etc because he doesn't want to have to do things by himself (financially) in the beginning and he has a negative opinions of housewives....

 

 

IM THINKING..."HOLD UP....QUE??"

 

So basically I gather my ex is looking to marriage (well he has already said before he wants to setlle down and get married)....but the way in which he is saying these things are as if we have been together, never broke up, so we're discussing our future. When that is NOT the case. We broke up...I did not factor him into my future in any real way anymore. These decisions and concerns are only relevant DURING a relationship. So I felt it as sort of inappropriate at that time to bring that up when we are NOT even back together and have not dealt with many issues. Basically he is putting cart waaaay before the horse. Like I get what he is saying...but I feel like those issues would work themselves out or arise and be more appropriate once we're together already NOT NOW! I also feels like he likes certainty and control when in reality he needs to realize he HAS to take risks and right now he can't be in control of this cuz he messed up before

 

 

Anyway....I told him that when we were together I thought more of that but when we broke up I didn't. We got to my apartment by then and he didn't say anything about it. He followed me up and we ended up sharing a passionate make-out session that in some ways I am not proud of because in some ways I want to "punish" him...but it was less sexual in nature as it was "loving". He also said he had to leave because he did not want to have sex with me, which I also appreciated because again, it kind of shows he is not just thinking with his dyck and trying to use me for instant gratification.

 

That's where I'm at....it is a HARD road. It's funny, people often speak of reconciliation or dream of it as if it going to be this blisss and so great and easy and happy now. It's not. Yes it is good to know they care etc, but if you are SERIOUS and not just hurriedly jumping back into things....you have soo much to think about and consider, so many fears and thoughts and questions and concerns. It is not an easy thing. If you have standards for yourself you have worries about will they meet it, are they willing, how will I handle it if they aren't, can I walk away etc....soooo much! So that's me right now...trying to figure this new journey out.....

 

You should talk with him about these fears, questions, thoughts and concerns. If you want to be able to re-build a relationship, you need to be honest and open about the whole situation. Otherwise, it'll break again.

 

Just tell him how you feel. However, I do think he's getting ahead of himself. Sort of what my ex did while we were together (and it wouldn't surprise me if he started talking about the same things now). Although he's already 26 so he needs to start thinking about these things (in a way). But, right now, his focus should be on re-building and finding ways to do that, instead of thinking about marriage.

 

He has the same fear my ex does - fear of being hurt again if he commits. You can tell by the way he says that he wants his next relationship to be his last. Ultimately, he's scared of losing you and being hurt. That's the bottom line.

Edited December 11, 2009 by leap83

[Beeotch]

I do plan on talking to him....quite A LOT! About all concerns...of course though it is hardly likely to just randomly call and bring it up, so I have to wait for certain situations to arise to bring certain things up.

 

I have my wok cut out for me....and I am debating if I want to do it But we'll see...

[HeavenOrHell]

It's great you've come a long way, but maybe you've done so well because you felt/knew you would get back together, so you don't have the same fear, depression, rejection that most of us here have, so it's been easier for you.

It's not so easy to cope and move on when you feel depressed, fearful, rejected and feel like you're going to feel unrequited love for a long time/forever.

Sorry if I sound cynical and jealous, it's because I am

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you, you are so lucky

 

 

 

Girl.....I have come a LONNNNG way!

 

I don't know all the details, but it does get easier, it doesn't sound very helpful now but believe me. I was definitely there. In June was when I initially started NC and I guess it was a relief because I had been trying the friends thing for about 2 months or so and was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired of that.

 

But yes....it is the best thing to do. It really is. I always say "The medicine that does the job does not always taste the best". It's hard but essentially like nasty vitamins that will help you.

 

I stopped chasing my ex, stopped calling, texting and contacting him and he came around and was the one who reached out to me. I did not do NC to get him back, but as I said...I FELT my situation was specific and I had intuitions guiding me throughout so it was like "I knew" how it would turn out so I decided I did all I can...and I really did...now I have to leave it be. I did, and now 5/6 months after the initial decision of NC, I am where I'm at and have had much time to grow and think and become wiser.

[Beeotch]

It's great you've come a long way, but maybe you've done so well because you felt/knew you would get back together, so you don't have the same fear, depression, rejection that most of us here have, so it's been easier for you.

It's not so easy to cope and move on when you feel depressed, fearful, rejected and feel like you're going to feel unrequited love for a long time/forever.

Sorry if I sound cynical and jealous, it's because I am

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you, you are so lucky

 

Girl please....u should read my posts from all the way back.

 

It is easy when you get to a certain point to forget where you came from and in some ways that is the beauty of life, we can go through hard stuff and pain then not really remember it.

 

But I'm saying that to say...it was NOT easier. Intuitions and being psychic are not the same. It wasn't as if I had these fool proof psychic visions or angels coming to me telling me things would be okay so I could just be happy lol. My intuition is a smalllllllll voice/feeling that kind of speaks to me, it's a nudge, a hint...but in the midst of everything you're confused, you dunno if it is wishful thinking, especially when the person's behavior is not matching up. The thing with intuition is that you can ONLY talk about it AFTER it comes true....so now I can look back at certain things and remember my little thoughts, hints, clues, gut feelings and say yep I felt it but at the time it's hard to trust it.

 

I had to go through the pain of my ex saying he was not inlove with me, that he didnt care if e were friends, back and forth convos, many hurtful things, trying to be friends, having sex with him and leading myself on, inviting him out and being rejected, unanswered emails, then he got into a relationship...OMG. I went through a lot. I went through crying, anger, depression, anxiety, anting to throw up because of the anxiety,wanting to have amnesia alll the same things everyone else went through. Sooo believe me...I did not have it easier.

 

And even now like I said, it is still kind of a bittersweet thing and not really like everything is happy and perfect now.It's still an awkward place. I don't feel comfortable just calling him up or texting him up....I am still unsure of how things are going to go. It's almost like that awkward before NC phase where you're not together but you still like that person, and you don't want them to talk to others or do certain things but you can't say anything and all that. It is still not smooth sailing.

Edited December 11, 2009 by Beeotch

[leap83]

Ugh. I know exactly what you mean. The only reason why we got hurt was because of confusion. We didn't understand where the hell both of them were coming from. Now I understand, but I'm still hurting - not because he hurt me but because I'd like to at least have some closure. To make things worse, last conversation he's hinted at regretting letting me go.

 

And the other day I finally found out that I'm going to be moving to his town because I'm going there for grad - I got into the program. The first thing I wanted to do was call him to let him know, but I didn't. Now I want to text him to let him know but I keep hitting my fingers. To be quite honest, I miss him and it's not going away. It's just getting worse and worse. The only time when I'm actually in a good place is when I "ignore" my thoughts about him and try to think of something else.

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. However, you're in a better place than me right now. You're way stronger. I'm still in a way weak. It's probably not a good idea to have him on Fb either.

 

It's a good thing I have exams right now that need 100% focus. Otherwise, I would be all over the place. And I really don't get it - by now these feelings for him should have dissipated and they're NOT going away. I tried hating him and it was impossible; I tried being angry and I couldn't be; I tried not caring and I can't not care. By now, these feelings should be gone. Why are they still here?! Why do I still think of him?! I'm very grounded right now and it just sucks.

__________________________________________________

 

Have you seen him/talked with him since last time? Have you talked with him about your fears, etc?

 

 

Girl please....u should read my posts from all the way back.

 

It is easy when you get to a certain point to forget where you came from and in some ways that is the beauty of life, we can go through hard stuff and pain then not really remember it.

 

But I'm saying that to say...it was NOT easier. Intuitions and being psychic are not the same. It wasn't as if I had these fool proof psychic visions or angels coming to me telling me things would be okay so I could just be happy lol. My intuition is a smalllllllll voice/feeling that kind of speaks to me, it's a nudge, a hint...but in the midst of everything you're confused, you dunno if it is wishful thinking, especially when the person's behavior is not matching up. The thing with intuition is that you can ONLY talk about it AFTER it comes true....so now I can look back at certain things and remember my little thoughts, hints, clues, gut feelings and say yep I felt it but at the time it's hard to trust it.

 

I had to go through the pain of my ex saying he was not inlove with me, that he didnt care if e were friends, back and forth convos, many hurtful things, trying to be friends, having sex with him and leading myself on, inviting him out and being rejected, unanswered emails, then he got into a relationship...OMG. I went through a lot. I went through crying, anger, depression, anxiety, anting to throw up because of the anxiety,wanting to have amnesia alll the same things everyone else went through. Sooo believe me...I did not have it easier.

 

And even now like I said, it is still kind of a bittersweet thing and not really like everything is happy and perfect now.It's still an awkward place. I don't feel comfortable just calling him up or texting him up....I am still unsure of how things are going to go. It's almost like that awkward before NC phase where you're not together but you still like that person, and you don't want them to talk to others or do certain things but you can't say anything and all that. It is still not smooth sailing.

[Beeotch]

Just had a convo with my ex....and I don't think I can continue this.

 

He is so impulsive, contradictory and unsure....and I KNOW he has issues and I would have liked to help him with his issues and I believe that would have strengthened our relationship, but unfortunately I don't think its worth it and I don't have the strength.

 

When it comes down to the nitty gritty I don't believe it really may be worth it. I don't want to take the risks. Hanging with him is cool....and we have great chemistry but that doesn't sustain a relationship and it's all or nothing for me.

 

I can't be his friend or be around in the wings....the things he was saying aren't good enough for me. So it's bittersweet but I have more confidence now to just close this chapter as is and be done. So I'm gonna work on that.

[EricaH329]

Hun, I know exactly how you feel.

 

You want to be there for him because you care about him, and you'd like to think that being his rock might actually do some good. But it won't. Because in the end, everything he is saying to you are just words. And without actions to back them up, they mean nothing.

 

At least, that's the way it was with me.

 

The fact that you are able to actually gather up enough strength to walk away from this situation is fantastic. A lot of people can't.

 

It won't be easy, it'll definitely has its ups and downs, but focusing on yourself and figuring out what you really want right now should be first and foremost.

 

I know you can do it. Keep us updated!

[Beeotch]

Hun, I know exactly how you feel.

 

You want to be there for him because you care about him, and you'd like to think that being his rock might actually do some good. But it won't. Because in the end, everything he is saying to you are just words. And without actions to back them up, they mean nothing.

 

At least, that's the way it was with me.

 

The fact that you are able to actually gather up enough strength to walk away from this situation is fantastic. A lot of people can't.

 

It won't be easy, it'll definitely has its ups and downs, but focusing on yourself and figuring out what you really want right now should be first and foremost.

 

I know you can do it. Keep us updated!

 

Thanks

 

Yeppp....the danger/hard part is that he is not a liar, it is as though he is truly confused and in denial and impulsive and he truly seems not to know when he will be erratic. He can't trust himself so how can I trust him? I can't....

 

He is not a bad person but I simply don't have the strength to sift through the bullshyt neither the courage to get my heart obliterated for a second time. I thought I would....but talking to him today made me realize just how hard it would be and while not an impossible task, one I am absolutely unwilling to continue.

 

I believe he cares for me and loves me above all others...but I also feel like his issues won't allow him that vulnerability to admit it, so he makes other stuff up but then at other times says things resembling it.His actions also show that he trusts me a lot and values me but it is like part of his issue is fighting those feelings as they make him feel vulnerable so it is a constant battle for him to "not submit to me", words he has used himself. It is like when his defenses are down he is close to me and I can tell I make him happy and all this but then he puts up his defenses and behaves dismissively as if I don't matter that much and he downplays how much he cares about me. I just don't care anymore to decode it. I want someone who will love me the way I love them and do for me what I will for them, someone I can trust who makes me feel special and who is willing to do the work. I don't think any of those things are him right now and I don't want to wait for it to become him.

 

My stance is no relationship/situation is perfect and if he expressed wanting to be with me, seeing me as special and someone he wants a future with and commits to the work then I would be beside him BUT he has not expressed those things and shyt he might express it today and change his mind tomorrow...so I am gonna pray for him, wish him luck and continue alone. If it is meant to be I figure me c,losing the door and moving on won't matter as life will bring me back to that place, if so fine....but for now I am going to close the door and keep walking away.Wish me strength.

Edited December 15, 2009 by Beeotch

[sheithappens]

Good Luck!!!, how long did his rebound last?!?! very curious about it

[Beeotch]

Good Luck!!!, how long did his rebound last?!?! very curious about it

 

Ahh the official relationship lasted about 3 months or something....but apparently he said they dated before then.

[EricaH329]

I want someone who will love me the way I love them and do for me what I will for them, someone I can trust who makes me feel special and who is willing to do the work. I don't think any of those things are him right now and I don't want to wait for it to become him.

 

I could not have said these words any better myself. Not only does this apply strongly to your situation, but it also applies to my own. The only difference between our situations, is that my ex is always telling me how much he loves me and misses me and wants me to wait for him.

 

Wait for what? For him to figure out his own sh*t? So I would basically sit around listening to all of these 'I love you's' and him expressing adoration for me, but without any real actions behind them?

 

I would give an arm and a leg for the person that I love. And even though I do not expect for the person I love to do that in return, I do expect something. Something worthy of me continuing my love for them.

 

I feel as though you are in the same situation. I know it's hard because you want to be there for him, but he needs to figure out his own life before he can involve (or even begin to think of involving) anyone else.

 

This will be hard, i'm not going to lie. I had to tell my ex a few days ago that i'm not going to wait around for him any longer. I deserve someone to show me they care, instead of just saying the words. I deserve more. And until I find that, i'm going to be single, without any strings attached.

 

You are strong, you will be able to do this. Keep in mind, though, that it won't be easy. You just need to keep reminding yourself that you are better than this. The empowerment I recieved from not allowing my ex to take advantage of me anymore is exactly what's going to get me through this tough time. Use that, as I did, to your advantage.

 

Good luck! I'll be here with you the whole way, if you need me.