LovieDove24 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I mean irritate you so bad you can't stand it? Like you can't look at it as just a flaw, its a roadblock in the relationship type thing. Or am I alone on this? My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months and I'm wondering if its typical to be so irritated by someones quirks, especially so soon, or if maybe it means he's just not the right one? I always thought that when you're with the right person, annoyances are brushed off fairly easy and are fairly small to begin with...at least for sure in the beginning. I wonder if he is not right for me or if maybe I just expect too much and/or have too short a fuse.
threebyfate Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 No, my husband doesn't do things that annoy the hell out of me and when he does things that irritate me or if I do things that irritate him, we both speak up and it gets resolved before it becomes an issue. Do the two of you discuss your issues? Are there a lot of them or only a few?
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Well Im the only one who ever brings "issues" up, he tells me how perfect I am all the time. I try and bring them up right away but he gets defensive and they become a bigger deal than they should be. He may get defensive because it IS indeed kinda personal, for instance: -He has a daughter who he can hardly say "no" to. She's 3 1/2 and she whines for everything and he just gives in to her. Also, he has her in front of the tv all the time which I am highly opposed to. I am also a parent and understand how sensitive an issue parenting styles can be. No one wants to be told they are doing something wrong in the parenting department so I don't know how to approach this one. I haven't really done more than drop hints at this point. -He isn't into "deep" stuff like politics or social issues, etc which really interest me. I love being stimulated on an intellectual level (and yes I have told him this). He'd rather talk about sports or movies and stuff which is fine for me most of the time, but I need those soul shattering talks (not sure if this makes sense either). -The other thing is he kinda acts like he's going to lose me. He was ditched by his exW kinda out of the blue and has a fear of this. It makes him come off as spineless sometimes...never wanting confrontation, never wanting to "step out of line" if you will. And this kind of relates to the way he is with his daughter. Anyways, all of these things I have expressed to him in one way or another but I think it may be coming off as me wanting to change him. And maybe I do. It's just I love the man dearly, he is so sweet and caring. I just don't know if these are compatibility issues or what....
threebyfate Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 No offense LD but I would say you're incompatible. These aren't little things, although I wouldn't call politics or social issues, soul shattering or especially deep, particularly politics. To consolidate in note form, you differ in parenting styles, interests and how you approach relationships. Putting this into objective fashion, might help to clarify it for you.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) LovieDove a lot of the things you described are very similar to my relationship, I am encountering a few of the things you mentioned given our situations are very similar. But unlike you I am not turned off and I would not say it is incompatibility I would say it is challenges of the type of relationship we are in. I would love to discuss this with you on PM if you are so inclined as I do not wish to share details of my relationship on the forum, but would gladly talk to you one on one if you like. I doubt it has anything to do with a difference in parenting styles. I am not a parent therefore I do not have a style and yet I don't agree with some of his parenting choices. On the same token I can also see that his choices stem from the idea that he feels an extreme amount of guilt for splitting their home up so he thinks he overcompensates by doing the things he does for his kids when in fact he is doing more harm. Edited December 5, 2009 by InspiredbyYou
InspiredbyYou Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 The soul shattering talks IS an issue though, or it would be for me at least... If you feel your communication is too superficial that is something to consider.
Star Gazer Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 There are a few things that BF does that annoy me (leaving clothes on the floor, dominating the remote control on Sundays ), but nothing that is a road block or I just cannot stand. If there's anything more serious, we talk about it and work it out. If it's only been four months and you're already having such serious issues, I'd say you're just not compatible.
allina Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 The issues you describe aren't "things he does" they're who he is, it's his character.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 No offense LD but I would say you're incompatible. These aren't little things Yep. The issues you describe aren't "things he does" they're who he is, it's his character. And yep. These things aren't going to change. They sound like core issues.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Yep. These things aren't going to change. They sound like core issues. I'm sorry but you are wrong. Some of those things he can change. I speak from experience. All he needed was some guidance, his words - I really appreciate your observations so much, being a single parent is so hard and sometimes you think you are doing everything right when you can't possibly do everything right. He was open to my observations. So things can change provided you know how to communicate with them and they see you as a loving partner not some outside nosyparker who just wants to criticize and change him. There has to be that level of trust.
Jaytb Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 No offense LD but I would say you're incompatible. These aren't little things, although I wouldn't call politics or social issues, soul shattering or especially deep, particularly politics. To consolidate in note form, you differ in parenting styles, interests and how you approach relationships. Putting this into objective fashion, might help to clarify it for you. Oh come on. You don't think Obama being born in Kenya or Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house is soul shattering and deep?
Ariadne Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 irritate you so bad you can't stand it? or have too short a fuse. he kinda acts like he's going to lose me He was ditched by his exW...has a fear of this Well, at least you've only been together 3 months. And no, those things only happen when you don't love the guy but are with him for other reasons (convince yourself, he's nice, caring, etc).
threebyfate Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Oh come on. You don't think Obama being born in Kenya or Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house is soul shattering and deep? For certain, it would rot me to the core, if I were to believe it! I love this phrase and feel it's applicable within this thread: Do you want a project or a relationship?
RobM Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I've learned to live with most of her quirks, the one that bugs me the most is the inability to answer a simple question like "where would you like to eat dinner?". Instead I get the thoughts that are in her head, none of which is the answer. For example... me: where do you want to go for dinner? her: I had salad for lunch me: ok, so where to you want to go for dinner? her: I'm not really that hungry me: fine, let's go to mr pita (my fav place) her: what, I don't want to go there me: ok, where would you like to go? and on and on....... Yes I know it's minor, but it would be so much easier if she would just tell me and make me guess.
kampfy chair Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I also feel a strong need to connect with others on an intellectual level, especially my SO, and I don't think you'll ever be satisfied with your relationship if you are that type of person and he is not. I once dated a guy who was very caring and sweet but when it came down to it he was, well, a little dumb. We couldn't really talk about anything meaningful. Not saying that your SO is necessarily less intelligent than you are, but the ability to have those kinds of conversations is very important. You'll end up eventually feeling bored and unstimulated by him, as I did with the guy that I was with.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Thanks for all of the replies guys, for those of you poking fun at me for using "political" and "soul shattering conversation" in the same sentence, just a little clarification: I really enjoy conversations on social issues, reform, etc. Im the kinda gal who wants to change the world, sometimes politics comes into play, sometimes philosophy, etc. However you dice it, if theres an issue concerning society, I like to talk about it. Anyways, I agree some of these things appear to be conflict of interest. The parenting thing though Im not so sure about. Isn't it common for parents, even coming from smooth-running marriages, to disagree on parenting issues? Additionally, I do really wonder sometimes whether or not I am overly critical. When we first started dating it was like instead of finding things I DID like about him I looked for reasons to break up. I wonder if this has snowballed into a series of negative thoughts and projections about him. Hmmm....
harmfulsweetz Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I know what you mean, we all have those things about our SO which bug the hell out of us, but mostly, they are just things like...he didn't replace the towel, he didn't flush the toilet etc etc. These are things he can change, but what you've described are inherently who he is as a person. If you would want that fundamental point to change, then I'm afraid to say he won't and shouldn't have to. You just may not be compatible. The parenting issue, everyone differs in style, some divorced parents do have a tendency to overcompensate (or undercompensate too) because they feel an inbuilt sense of guilt for not being there 100% of the time etc, for failing somehow. I think since you've only been together 4 months, you shouldn't necessarily be telling how you think he should raise his child, if however, you'd been together years and years, and were married, you would be able to do so. Right now, it's early days, and where you may be right, it's not your place to say so, she's his daughter, and I think sometimes, it's easy to forget such. What I mean is, it's easy for us to barge in or drop hints when we think we see something in someone else's style of parenting, or whatever (for me, it's looking after the dog) without really thinking. He's not necessarily harming her, until you've officially made your place in his life as permanent a fixture (i.e stepmom to her) you shouldn't get involved. It's very personal, unless you see something completely off the hook happening. JMO though. If I had a child, I wouldn't want my ex partner's new gf to be necessarily around the kid so much, not until they've established a firm place, because otherwise, the child could be introduced to several women, throughout their life and be confused. They could form attachments, and be heartbroken if it doesn't work out. Of course, it's always a risk, but you can minimise it as best you can, or so I hear.
sonicranger Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 So, what does this tell you about me? I absolutely HAD to join these forums to reply to THIS topic. I COMPLETELY understand "Life shattering" discussions/topics/philosiphizing (thats my own word...lol) Now, the bigger question, do you really need that? Can you fulfill that bit of your life by blogging, reading and interacting with others BESIDES your SO? Let me throw this out there, just to make you smile. You and I should hook up! I'm passionate about EVERYTHING. The world we live in is so fascinating. I read everyday about all the happenings in science, politics, health, sports, you name it I'm probably curious. Now for the downside to that, we might have some VERY heated discussions. The difficult part is to keep it friendly and respectable, especially when one's views are at odds with someone else. Ok, enough of the digression. Back to #1 issue. If you are thinking these thoughts on a semi-regular basis, get out. You cannot be with this person if you'll forever be looking for and thinking about what is WRONG. I ended what easily could've been a GREAT relationship with a woman. We got along swell, the sex was great, we both cooked and shared A LOT of interests. However there just got to be too many "things" in the back of my mind that I could not reconcile. I tried reading about it, I tried putting it out of my mind but it didn't work. I had to end it for HER sake. I couldn't genuinely love her the way she deserved, it wasn't in the cards for us. I truly broke her heart but she now understands, sometimes it just doesn't work EVEN when it seems so good.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Thanks you guys for taking time out for such lengthy replies. As for what you are saying Sweetz I completely understand what you were saying about how it may not be my place yet to comment on his parenting. Although, now I feel bad...because I said something to him this morning. It was really bothering me and I wasnt acting myself and he noticed. Since I've been working on 100% honesty--even if it means discomfort--I told him what was up. He got defensive as expected. So now he thinks I think he's a lousy parent...which I dont... but, geesh I dunno. Things are awkward. As for you Mr Flirtypants lol, thanks for your understanding about the need for intellectual stimulation. And what?! You started "loveshacking" just because of my post?! I'm flattered. Not sure thats proper etiquette to ask me out on a forum where Im asking q's about my current boyfriend, but hey, stranger things have happened. I am curious, how old are you? Anyways, yeah I've considered trying to look for other outlets to fulfill these needs. I don't know if I want to get out or if we are just at a momentary plateau. Only time will tell I spose...
InspiredbyYou Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) I ended what easily could've been a GREAT relationship with a woman. We got along swell, the sex was great, we both cooked and shared A LOT of interests. However there just got to be too many things in the back of my mind that I could not reconcile. I tried reading about it, I tried putting it out of my mind but it didn't work. I had to end it for HER sake. I couldn't genuinely love her the way she deserved, it wasn't in the cards for us. I truly broke her heart but she now understands, sometimes it just doesn't work EVEN when it seems so good. I'm confused, if you easily could have had a great relationship then what was holding it back? The 'easily' part is really throwing me off. If it was that easy why not discuss with her the issues rather than dump her out of the blue? Did you discuss the issues with her? LovieDove discussing parenting issues with your partner is a very touchy subject, I saw a progression of negative manifestations from his children that were a simple cry of attention which he was handling in such a way that actually made the children even more frustrated and starved for his attention. He meant no harm he just didn't realize what he was doing. The only reason I volunteered my observation was because of how clearly distraught he was getting at the kid's reactions. So I had to share what I thought would be a better plan of action. And my suggestion totally worked. Add to that the frustration of having to share their dad's attention on weekends with the new woman in his life is too much for children who are already starved for attention and for a semblance of stability, to handle. Dating a person with children is not easy no matter what your personal ideals are, you have to be the adult at all times and never compete with the children or with him. It's very touchy indeed. Edited December 7, 2009 by InspiredbyYou
sonicranger Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, I suppose saying easily means a lot. For starters she declared her love for me to which I never reciprocated because of these "issues". Now, I must say that some of these issues were "annoyances" and others were just intangibles. Such as I just didn't feel "it" when I was thinking about her. I just couldn't say "I love you" when I really didn't mean it. Now, back to the point of annoyances. I guess I blurred the line between annoyances and other "intangible" qualities that make or break a relationship. I feel though, that these "intangibles" are directly related to annoyances. If there were more substance to your relationship I feel that MANY of these annoyances would indeed be brushed off or could be dealt with through constructive communication. My previous experience has led me to my current conclusion. If there is a lot of the "magic" in a great relationship then it helps to fill in the peaks and valleys of annoyances or other unsavory behavior.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 If there were more substance to your relationship I feel that MANY of these annoyances would indeed be brushed off I think this is the unpleasant truth I am facing. Any time I probe him on serious issues, he gets silent. Like I was talking to him about how effed up the public schooling is in the city we live in and he got silent and acted as if he had NO interest. He says he likes this kind of stuff, loves hearing me talk and is interested, but never has anything to contribute to the conversation. Sometimes it just leaves me feeling empty.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Sonicranger thanks for explaining that makes perfect sense. OUCH the telling you she loves you first, is a biggie. When a man can't tell a woman he loves her and on top of it feels pressure because she said it first, it's all downhill from there. Understood. As per the magic comment, you put that so well I could not agree with you more. The magic is what makes it all mesh. I believe that too. Chemistry is the bottom line. LovieDove could you be missing chemistry? When I suggested that my situation was similar I meant that my guy has the same background as your guy but we genuinely enjoy each other's company and we can talk for hours, the chemistry is very strong for us. We were together all weekend and I just got home a while ago and we have been on the phone for an hour as if we hadn't seen each other in a week hahahaha.
harmfulsweetz Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Don't feel bad, everyone does it. I do it all the time, although it's with his dog which is slightly easier lol. I think it's natural to offer insight because we can often see what they can't, it's often easier for us to pass a judgement than it is for them to see the truth of their actions if you know what I mean.
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