ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I have a "friend with benefits". I have known him a little over a year now. At the beginning I looked at him as more than someone to just be intimate with. We went out on dates and I started to develop feelings, and than he started playing games. Asking me out but than not following through or blowing me off. Then I called him on his behavior and he said he wasn't looking for anything serious. We do have an age difference. I'm 29, he is 23. I knew there was a strong possibility he would just be someone to have fun with, but I did like him. Well I stopped seeing him because I didn't want to get hurt and knew he wasn't looking for the same thing I was. We didn't speak for a few months and than I ran into him while I was out one night, and we started talking again. The physical chemistry we have is undeniable. And my emotional feelings for him had faded. One night we got together and we were intimate and we had fun. That has been going on for a few months now. I have not grown attached or anything, and I think that is because I knew nothing would come of it. I'm comfortable with him and I'm fine with the way things have been. Than earlier this week he contacts me and wanted to get together. But I had plans to go out, he asked me if I wanted to meet up. I than told him I had a date, so meeting up wouldn't be possible. He than got quiet and said well maybe after your date we can get together. I told him I didn't think I could see him that night. He than apologized for bothering me. So Thursday I wanted to see him, so I texted him and invited him to come over. He responds with "Sorry I have a date" so I said "Oh that's mature" I really didn't think he had a date, I felt like he was trying to stick it to me for having one the other night. I told him I thought he was acting childish. Of course he said he was only kidding around. So I just told him to have a good night. Than last night I texted him to see if he was over his little tantrum. He called me and said he didn't mean to act that way and apologized. He than asked me to if I wanted to go out (which isn't something he usually does) I wasn't really in the mood to go out, so I invited him over. He did come over last night and he asked me how my date was. I didn't really feel to comfortable telling him, but he wanted to know. So I told him it went well (which it did). He than asked me why I never ask him to actually go out like for drinks or to go get something to eat. I told him it worked both ways, meaning could ask me too. But I brought up what happened a year ago and how he said he wasn't looking for anything. He than said, that he does like to go out and have fun, and that it doesn't just have to be intimacy. I feel like that is dating. Him and I just hooking up, is just that, hooking up and nothing else. I don't understand what he wants from me...is it possible that me going out with other guys, bothers him and he wants more?
ADF Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I've said this before but I'll say it again: women should never get into FWB relationships with men they care about. What woman often fail to understand is that many men--maybe even most men--prefer FWB to having a GF. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets all of the advantages of having a GF, but with no strings--the ultimate win/win situation for him. Once a man has you in a FWB relationship, he has no incentive to ever let the relationship get more serious. On the contrary, if you press him to get more serious, 9 times out of 10, he'll just dump you and find another FWB.
Author ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) I've said this before but I'll say it again: women should never get into FWB relationships with men they care about. What woman often fail to understand is that many men--maybe even most men--prefer FWB to having a GF. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets all of the advantages of having a GF, but with no strings--the ultimate win/win situation for him. Once a man has you in a FWB relationship, he has no incentive to ever let the relationship get more serious. On the contrary, if you press him to get more serious, 9 times out of 10, he'll just dump you and find another FWB. I didn't care for him when we started hooking up. Even now I don't think I do. I'm perfectly fine with the arrangement we have. He is the one who made a big deal of me going on a date....and than threw this "why don't we ever go out" stuff at me... Edited December 5, 2009 by ConfusedAsUsual
ADF Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I didn't care for him when we started hooking up. Even now I don't think I do. I'm perfectly fine with the arrangement we have. He is the one who made a big deal of me going on a date....and than threw this "why don't we ever go out" stuff at me... I hear you. But there's another irony. For many men, the definition of an "open" relationship--and FWB is one version of that--is that the man gets to do whatever he wants, but the woman doesn't. An awful lot of male jealousy has little to do with women per se. It comes from a feeling of competativeness with other men. He isn't jealous because he cares for you; he's jealous because he doesn't want other men trespssing on what he considers his property, so to speak. Sorry to put it that crudely, but it better captures the thought process. Another reason to avoid FWB relationships.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I'm in my first FWB situation ever right now. I just recently broke off the dating phase with him, and decided to try out FWB. We have gotten together for hanging out and sex a few times, and tonight we are going to a show, and possibly making dinner at my place before. So, we're basically doing most of the stuff you do in a relationship, without the commitment and serious stuff. For now, it's working for both of us. I continue to evaluate how I feel about it. Who knows how long it will last? The beauty of it is no one is locked into anything. Do you want more than just sex with this guy? You can go out and have dinner and stuff without being in a relationship. You go out and do those things with your female friends, right? Same thing here, but you get the bonus of sex. You guys should talk about what is OK and not OK with you. Relationship, many of the activities of a relationship without commitment, just sex? Decide what YOU want here, find out exactly what he wants, and agree upon an arrangement that works for both of you. My guy and I have talked very openly about our wants and expectations, and that has kept everything clear and drama-free.
Author ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 I'm in my first FWB situation ever right now. I just recently broke off the dating phase with him, and decided to try out FWB. We have gotten together for hanging out and sex a few times, and tonight we are going to a show, and possibly making dinner at my place before. So, we're basically doing most of the stuff you do in a relationship, without the commitment and serious stuff. For now, it's working for both of us. I continue to evaluate how I feel about it. Who knows how long it will last? The beauty of it is no one is locked into anything. Do you want more than just sex with this guy? You can go out and have dinner and stuff without being in a relationship. You go out and do those things with your female friends, right? Same thing here, but you get the bonus of sex. You guys should talk about what is OK and not OK with you. Relationship, many of the activities of a relationship without commitment, just sex? Decide what YOU want here, find out exactly what he wants, and agree upon an arrangement that works for both of you. My guy and I have talked very openly about our wants and expectations, and that has kept everything clear and drama-free. I would be open to the possibility of more than just intimacy with him but I'm afraid if we start going out, I will develop feelings. It may sound crazy but I have been able to turn off my feelings, while being intimate with him. I just kept telling myself he wasn't good for anything more than that. I'm afraid we will start hanging out and he will change his mind again. I don't know if I want to take the chance. But at the same time I wish I had a better idea as to where his head was at.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I would be open to the possibility of more than just intimacy with him but I'm afraid if we start going out, I will develop feelings. It may sound crazy but I have been able to turn off my feelings, while being intimate with him. I just kept telling myself he wasn't good for anything more than that. I'm afraid we will start hanging out and he will change his mind again. I don't know if I want to take the chance. But at the same time I wish I had a better idea as to where his head was at. The fact is it really doesn't matter where his head is at -- let him deal with that. What matters here is where YOUR head is at. If you are worried about developing feelings if you go out in date-like situations, it's probably a good idea not to do it. You can tell him you want to keep it to sex only, and if you want, you can be honest about why. I am a big believer in complete honesty, and I have been 100% honest with my FWB and asked that he do the same. If he's not cool with sex only, don't worry -- it shouldn't be too hard for you to find another FWB. And I hear you on shutting off the feelings. As I have matured, I have increased my ability to do this as well. I see my situation very clearly for what it is, and I know what I want. I see his limitations for something long-term and know that I just want sex and fun. I am already seeing that this situations can be ripe ground for power play -- like any relationship, really. The less emotion and attachment you feel and show, the more the other person does, and vice versa. Every system has a natural balance of energy, and when one person is cool, the other gets warmer. So, just keep in mind that the more rational and level-headed you are in this, the better you take care of yourself and keep things in check. Good luck!
billy356 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 There are no benefits to a FWB relationship. Sure both people are possibly happy at the start. You are comfortable with your partner because you consider that person a friend, there is a psedu-trust that goes along with that and you had an open discussion about this is just about the physical interaction nothing else. And you both agreed so everything is above board right? Yes, maybe for that discussion everything was fine. But it will not take long for one of the two people to want more than just a physical relationship. It is our human nature, our hard-wiring to want that. Physical intimacy is just that..intimate. You are sharing a part of yourself that you do not share with the general population (well unless you are my ex of course..) When humans are intimate they develop emotional connections and before long one person will want progress the relationship to a more mainstream version. I personally dont think that it is the guy or the girl in particular who ends up wanting more. it depends on the situation. I think that wanting a FWB relationship is also unhealthy emotionally as well. Because you are either having an intimate relationship devoid of emotional attachment (which will effect future relationships) or you are purposely repressing feelings that are naturally attached with intimacy because you have intellectualized this sort of relationship somehow. Either way it isnt healthy. So in essence FWB is just a shallow relationship between two people who are afraid to go through the normal process and one person will always get hurt in those situations.
Author ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 But why would he bring up going out, if he didn't want more than just intimacy? I don't get it...
Cplusplus Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I didn't care for him when we started hooking up. Even now I don't think I do. I'm perfectly fine with the arrangement we have. He is the one who made a big deal of me going on a date....and than threw this "why don't we ever go out" stuff at me... But why would he bring up going out, if he didn't want more than just intimacy? I don't get it... What is there to get you shouldn't have to worry about his feelings too much in a FWB relationship. If you do have feelings for him which it sounds like you kind of do then you should see how he really feels and go from there.
Author ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 What is there to get you shouldn't have to worry about his feelings too much in a FWB relationship. If you do have feelings for him which it sounds like you kind of do then you should see how he really feels and go from there. That is why I'm asking for advice. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm asking what how I should read his reaction to my going out with other guys, and him asking why we don't go out more...
calizaggy Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 As a guy, I have been through this.. When i was younger I was dating an older women whom I would never want a relationship with. FWB i suppose. However I would be jealous if she hinted around about dating, etc. I think for guys you just do not want someone else using what you are. however, that is far from wanting something serious with her.
Author ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 As a guy, I have been through this.. When i was younger I was dating an older women whom I would never want a relationship with. FWB i suppose. However I would be jealous if she hinted around about dating, etc. I think for guys you just do not want someone else using what you are. however, that is far from wanting something serious with her. I don't understand where jealousy would come into play if he didn't have feelings for me..
Author ConfusedAsUsual Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 As a guy, I have been through this.. When i was younger I was dating an older women whom I would never want a relationship with. FWB i suppose. However I would be jealous if she hinted around about dating, etc. I think for guys you just do not want someone else using what you are. however, that is far from wanting something serious with her. ............
Null507 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I don't understand where jealousy would come into play if he didn't have feelings for me.. What everyone has been trying to say is that the jelousy does not stem from feelings of love for you but from feelings of entitlement and ownership over you. The reason most guys don't want to hear about guys you like or guys you've been apart from how they were total jerks is because he doesn't want to think about them having same experience they have been enjoying. We guys have fragile egos and we want to thnink we are the only person getting this treatment from you. Added Note he may also be afriad that if your date evolves into a steady relationship that you might leave him and take the sex with you. IN which case the only reason for trying to hang out with you more is to entice you into staying with him because you think you are going to start dating him.
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