PWSX3 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I just hope by sharing this part of my life it will help some here understand what went thru my head while I was in an affair during my marriage...... I am not proud for doing what I did, but I do hope it will help others.... Looking back in our marriage I can see neither of us were ready for marriage. We got married at 21 & both of us moved right from our parents to each other. That lead to so much disrespect in our marriage, no boundaries, etc. So 20 years ago I had an affair, the former W asked if something was up & of course I said; no why do you think that?????? It wasn't until the other woman's H got it out of her that it came out into the open. As for the other woman, she grew up with many problems & I was the one that said the right things, treated her like she thought a man should treat her. We both worked together so we spent lots of time together. We would tell each other our sob stories & one thing leads to another. To me a affair is like a drug, you are only worried about what "YOU" want. You don't care if it will hurt anyone else, you don't care about anything but you.....I also feel it is VERY selfish on the part of the person having the affair. They have no respect for there spouse, for others & worse themselves. In my case (after learning this in counseling this year) I felt I wasn't loved. Even though I grew up in a good home with good parents, I never heard my dad tell me he loved me..... Looking back I can't believe all the things I would try to convince myself that having an affair was O.K. It was because my W didn't give me what I needed, and if she didn't give it to me then I could go out & get it from someone else. Life is to short to not have me needs met. Again being selfish & only thinking of yourself..... It finally came out in the open & we went to counseling but for me I wasn't sorry I had the affair I was sorry because I got caught (We were in our early 30's). At the time the counselor didn't do us a bit of good, I told him what he wanted to hear, told the W what she wanted to hear & she said she forgave me & that was it. Even after our divorce she said she had forgiven me for that but I really wonder if she did, but I have to believe she did & move on...... About 5 years ago we went back to counseling not because of the affair but other issues like she thought I was controlling but I did slowly start to learn. It took me 15 years after the divorce before I REALLY understood what I did to her. We went to a play were a guy had an affair on his wife & in the play I could feel the pain his wife was showing & it really hit me hard... That night I sat down with my W & cried my eyes out, explained how terrible of a person I was for doing what I did. She realized this was true & coming from my heart and she thanked me, she finally got the "I'm sorry" that was sincere. There is so much more I could go into that lead to this but the point I'm trying to get to is; people that have had or are in an affair have NO idea they are hurting others. They are only looking out for themselves & like me it might take a long time to realize how much they really hurt that person. Once you realize how much you hurt that person you can start to see what work it would take to build that relationship back again..... So my suggestion is; if your spouse is in an affair or has had one there isn't much you can do. They will have to work that out themselves and once that is done it is there responsibility to prove they are going to change, which to me means classes, meetings, IC, whatever it takes.....They should be willing to do anything to show they are sorry, even if that is standing outside a busy mall with a sign that say's, I cheated on my wife. Just like an alcoholic goes to AA or celebrate recovery, just like a drug addict goes to the same type of meetings so does a spouse that had an affair. An affair is not the reason, there is something much deeper that needs to be addressed. I hope some of this rambling will help. I just thank God that I've been able to except my part in our bad marriage & I'm working that. I won't take responsibility for the divorce because I believe that could have been repaired but I am looking at me & that will be a life time responsibility. Thanks for your time
karnak Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 It took me 15 years after the divorce before I REALLY understood what I did to her. We went to a play were a guy had an affair on his wife & in the play I could feel the pain his wife was showing & it really hit me hard... That night I sat down with my W & cried my eyes out, explained how terrible of a person I was for doing what I did. She realized this was true & coming from my heart and she thanked me, she finally got the "I'm sorry" that was sincere. Thank you very much for your post. It really takes "balls" for a man to admit his wrongs and ask for forgivness. It was a very revealing post. Only one thing I didn't understand from what you wrote: are you married for a second time or you usually spend time with your wife?
floridapad Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 PSWX3 - For me that was touching and I am a BS. You confirmed to me what my counselor said to me after discovery of the affair. She said "one day your spouse is going to feel your pain and that is when you know she feels love for you and is truly remorseful. My W hasn't gotten there yet and may not for quite some time but hearing your story makes me long for that day. The pain of a BS is absolutely tremendous. Some counselors actually view the trauma as one of the severest forms of emotional pain. A Phsycologist did a study with women who were betrayed as well as either being raped, lost a sibling or parent or child or other severe form of emotional trauma. The Dr indicated that being betrayed was the most damaging and painful event behind only one other event. Loss of a child.
Author PWSX3 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Only one thing I didn't understand from what you wrote: are you married for a second time or you usually spend time with your wife? Karnak, we were married for 28 years. The last 5-6 years were hard, she moved out for 7 months, then we did get back together but she finally moved out again last August, filed for divorce in January of this year & our divorce was final April 6th. Looking back I can see I was not happy in our relationship but at the time I didn't know what to do or how to fix our problem. I always blamed her, always found the faults in her instead of looking at myself & seeing what part "I" had in the relationship. I haven't spoken to her in 2-3 months & don't plan on speaking to her in the future, no reason to. I have worked hard on myself, which included going to classes at a local church. I was lucky enough to meet a very nice gal in one of the classes & we started seeing each other & have been dating for a few months. I'm just thankful God has put such great people in my life (that includes ones here at LS) to help me look at myself & realize I am a good person but I do have a lot of work to do.
EcstasyX6 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Thank you for sharing that...I too had to learn that I was a big problem in the marriage. Even though I was dissatisfied with the relationship before my EA, that was no excuse to have one. After couples and individual counseling, and much pain and suffering for us both, I decided to leave the marriage. I learned to stop blaming him, and realized that our differences make us bad partners for each other. I'm glad that you've found happiness on the other side. I hope that I will too.
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