Ex-girlfriend

[counterman]

I had another dream that was very vivid. Actually thought it had happened the other day when I woke up.

 

That so-called friend of mine was talking to my close friend and he asked him "would it be alright if I mess with a friend's ex?" Then, my friend told me and I knew he was referring to me so I started to belt the guy. I confronted my ex and told her "why don't you just show it to my face instead of creeping around with this guy and lying to everyone?!" and all her friends were around and they were really disgusted. I don't think I can ever be friends again with a friend who messes with my ex, even if I don't really care. If that happened in real life, I don't think I'll belt the guy..well maybe.

 

I guess I still have feelings for my ex and it's funny how this festive period brings it out of me when I haven't been feeling that much this past few weeks.

 

I've gone NC over a month now and the last contact was a text wishing her well. Turns out one of the girls I was interested in recently hooked up with someone but I don't feel stupid for not taking the chance I had. I'm just biding my time and taking things really easy and relaxed, waiting until I'm completely at ease with myself and obviously until these dreams are gone.

 

I'm really excited about the new year. But a part of me still wish I could talk to my ex normally, though I know she'll still be the same. Despite all of this, I'm doing really well and I hope that everyone can take heart that a new year brings new opportunities for all of us as we slowly heal.

[GrayClouds]

Hang in there CM keep the focus on you and give it time. It is like going through a onion there is a great deal of layers but at some you get to the end.

[counterman]

Thanks for all your support grayclouds.

 

I had another dream today. I'm doing an exam in my high school hall. My ex- girlfriend is sitting behind me (her surname is close to mine). She keeps looking at that other guy and says to me "don't ruin my chance to be in love with him". And, I said in a scathing way "well, next time don't pick your second choice when you didn't really want me that much at all". She started crying and I tried to console her and tell her to just focus on the exam but she pushed me away. Meanwhile, I think that jerk confronts me afterwards and it becomes hazy then.

 

I'll keep focusing on myself and just taking it really slow. Of course I'll stick to no contact and keep on doing what I'm doing. But, grayclouds, what do these jealous and angry dreams mean? I don't mind them because I get over them after a little while but I can't help but think that I still have feelings for her.

[counterman]

I have been dreaming about my ex-girlfriend and basically missing the physical contact. I must admit I've been looking at a picture of my ex, but have been forcing myself not to of late. Any advice on how to deal with with?

 

Also, I've been going on msn a lot lately. I usually don't go on and hadn't been on for AGES. So, I started going on lately and I don't know - I just don't feel the spark or anything with anyone or with any of my friends. I think that's why I got off it in the first place. But yeah, no one really message me or just seem to care about how I'm doing. When I was with my ex, I stayed offline and never usually spoke to anyone. Should I stay off msn and avoid it?

 

Also, I'm really up for doing something new. I've been to various sporting clubs before but maybe not so sport this time. Any suggestions on what clubs or social activities I should join? I would love to mee people and I'm still up for sporting activities too.

 

Thanks

 

- CM

[counterman]

Hi,

 

There is a party coming up in a few days. I've been doing pretty well and it's been NC for a while and haven't seen my ex for ages. Anyways, she'll probably be there as this is her close friend's party.

 

Okay, I think I'm okay about this but please any tips on what to do would be most welcomed! i.e. how do I talk to her if she talks to me first? do i look at her at all? do i avoid her? anything helps!

[Bulldozed]

CM - I read through this entire post. I have to say, you appear well on your way, perhaps you're already there? To answer your question regarding if you bump into your ex at this party. My advice is pretty simple: it's also known as the KISS approach. (keep it simple stupid)

 

All kidding aside, you must remember her decision making as it relates to that Tool you suspect she's running around with now. Her life, frankly is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. To this point, if and when you see her, above all else, be extremely confident. Take pride in what you've doing to improve yourself, but keep the specifics to a minimum. You want to exude a confidence that basically shows her that you're her loss, but not be so over the top that it's obvious to her that your over compensating. you follow?

 

Better yet, if you can line up a hot date for the party, that would be awesome! Especially is she's hotter than your ex!

[counterman]

Thanks for reading! I would not say I'm there yet but I am certainly well on my way. I think of her from time to time and I guess I was able to rejoice in a few of my moments with her without having to yearn for it. I am definitely looking to date again in at least a couple of months time.

 

Your advice is much appreciated. I agree with what you said, I'll hold my head up high and just have a great time with my mates. If she talks to me, I'll be vague but very upbeat about what I say, thus exuding confidence. And of course, I won't take it over the top. I sure hope I don't have any hidden intentions to impress her because I definitely don't want her back. I think that tool might be going to this party. What should I do then if it is clear he's trying to play with my mind? What if he's with her and it all becomes very awkward?

 

As for the hot date, I think that's a brilliant idea. However, I don't think I have any hot chicks to call upon, well I do but they're her friends as well or know her; none that aren't connected in some way with my ex. So, maybe that idea won't be going to plan unfortunately. It would have been perfect because when she was with me, I never intentionally made her jealous when I was around other girls.

 

Grayclouds suggested maybe I should leave the party early because I'm "busy"? I don't know, I don't want this to end up being a spite mission, trying to convince my ex that I'm fine without her. I mean what she thinks doesn't matter anymore to me right?

 

Also, any advice on what to do if I find myself feeling some of those feelings I use to have for her?

[GrayClouds]

Part of this whole process is to be honest with yourself and to learn to take care of yourself. It is about finding ways to do so that is not at the expense of others but puttting the care of yourself first. Politely goning NC after a break up, limiting conversations when you do bump into each other, finding now place to go that keeps those from happening is not sbout punishing the other but, as already said, taking care of yourself.

 

If your focus is on yourself those thigs our healthy, if the focus is on them is about revenge.

[counterman]

You're right mate. I haven't been out to a dinner party in a while and would love to go. I must admit that part of me does want to show her that I'm doing better off but most of all, I want to prove to myself that I can have a fun night out and dress up a little and just enjoy it with my friend; my ex shouldn't stop me from attending this event or from enjoying myself whilst at it. If I go to any lengths to take revenge then I know it's not me and I'll be hurting myself at the end. I really don't want to bother her or anything in regards to our previous relationship anymore. If she comes up to me to say hello, I'll say hi back.

 

Like I said, I'm doing really well and feel a lot more confident about myself. I just think if I shy away from a party just 'cause my ex is attending and probably that other guy, I'm more focusing on them than on me. I just want to live a little more so hopefully it turns out alright.

 

I always like to dress up a bit especially if it's a friend's birthday, so that would be a good idea yes? I feel good about myself when I dress up, which is most important.

[GrayClouds]

I just think if I shy away from a party just 'cause my ex is attending and probably that other guy, I'm more focusing on them than on me. I just want to live a little more so hopefully it turns out alright.

 

I think the opposite is true It sounds like your going to prove something. What you have just said "I am going 'cause my ex is attending and probably that other guy'. And that does have the focus on them.

 

What is the upside? You have some fun. Down side? Back to square on with the healing, boosting your EX ego because you showed you still have feeling for her, making a a$$ of yourself, stocking the new guys ego because he stole your chick away from you because he thinks he has a bigger dick. And at your this doing hopefully hoping these do not happen.

 

Your trying to prove you are stronger and healed. Who are you trying to prove it to? Yourself? If you were healed there would be no need to prove a thing, you would know. Trying to prove to her and the a$$pole? Why? They do not matter. Sorry but you trying to fool yourself. You are not over it yet, my the reality your thinking about this and planning. You are saying your willingly going to go into a situation that could cause you harm for no real upside that can not be achieve elsewhere.

 

I always like to dress up a bit especially if it's a friend's birthday, so that would be a good idea yes? I feel good about myself when I dress up, which is most important.

 

Then go get dressed up and take a good fiend out to eat. Take a stranger out to eat, take your parents out to eat.

[counterman]

Grayclouds,

 

I think that's one of the reasons why I'm going - to prove them wrong. I feel so foolish. Here I am trying to make it seem like I'm all healed when I'm not. If I was completely healed, I wouldn't asking all this.. I wouldn't be trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm getting to the stage that I probably won't go but I don't know. Part of me still wants to. I'm sorry if this may be frustating you.. I'm a bit stubborn and stupid sometimes.

 

Though, the shouldn't stop be from going but my healing process should.

Going..I could potentially make an ass out of myself..and others may be trying to bait me to do so. It is definitely not worth it. I feel a little angry and need to take my frustrations out.

 

Going or not going.. God knows what I'm going to do. My initial reaction upon hearing about this party was excitement. A fun night out. But upon analysing it.. I don't know.

 

- CM

[GrayClouds]

Grayclouds,

 

I think that's one of the reasons why I'm going - to prove them wrong. I feel so foolish. Here I am trying to make it seem like I'm all healed when I'm not. If I was completely healed, I wouldn't asking all this.. I wouldn't be trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm getting to the stage that I probably won't go but I don't know. Part of me still wants to. I'm sorry if this may be frustating you.. I'm a bit stubborn and stupid sometimes.

 

Though, the shouldn't stop be from going but my healing process should.

Going..I could potentially make an ass out of myself..and others may be trying to bait me to do so. It is definitely not worth it. I feel a little angry and need to take my frustrations out.

 

Going or not going.. God knows what I'm going to do. My initial reaction upon hearing about this party was excitement. A fun night out. But upon analysing it.. I don't know.

 

- CM

 

 

Do not be hard on yourself. We all at times want to push the process ahead, to move on. That means trying things. Sometimes it works and other times not. That is what learning is about.

 

And a a bit of anger is good. Yes part of the break up is the fact that because of it your life has chnage. Her actions has made things harder for you. And that sucks so allow yourself some frustration and anger. But your strong enough not it control you. You have already shown that to be true with all the great work you have done.

 

You will be find no matter what you do. Though just ask yourself the question "what is best for me?"

[counterman]

Going is probably not the best for me.

 

In saying that, all the work I'm done has built up this defense and resilience that I think if I do go, I won't be affected as much as if I were still, say, a month after the break-up all confused and taking the blame for what happened. And if I am affected and it turns out to be a mistake, I'll learn and deal with it. I'll continue with this healing process.

 

I have had a habit of shying away from events in the past and always regretted not going after it was too late. I just don't want to think "oh damn, I missed out on another party" and possibly feel lonely that night because some of my friends are partying when I should be there. Of course I would be able to keep myself preoccupied but there's always a chance a thought would creep through my mind saying "why didn't you go?" And there is an obvious answer for this but I'm stronger than before. A set back may prove to undo some work but I'll get back there.

 

I know it's probably not best for me to go. But it depends which way I take it. If I just let go and have awesome fun with my friends, without regarding my ex and the other guy, then yes, it will be fine. If I focus on them and trying to NOT care about them and whatever, I will definitely have a miserable night.

[GrayClouds]

Going is probably not the best for me.

 

Amen borther.

 

In saying that, all the work I'm done has built up this defense and resilience that I think if I do go,

 

Healing is not about building a defense. It is about being able to be honestly about your feeling. With the honesty it give you control over them. That control keeps them from controlling you.

 

I'll learn and deal with it. I'll continue with this healing process.

 

You can learn even more by not going. You can learn to not recognize a saturation that is not in your intrest and respond in a way that is good for you. That is what healing is about. Is the practice of focusing on what is best for yourself. Not picking a scab to see if it will still bleed to prove your healing.

 

 

 

I have had a habit of shying away from events in the past and always regretted not going after it was too late. I just don't want to think "oh damn, I missed out on another party" and possibly feel lonely that night because some of my friends are partying when I should be there. Of course I would be able to keep myself preoccupied but there's always a chance a thought would creep through my mind saying "why didn't you go?" And there is an obvious answer for this but I'm stronger than before. A set back may prove to undo some work but I'll get back there.

 

You would not be "shying away" you would not be going for a great reason. There is a difference. Say there was a party you were going to go to, it was all planed. At the last minute your best friend, family member, new girlfriend called and said something bad has happen and could really need your company tonight. Who you tell them no and go to the party anyway. My suspicion is you would say screw the party this I care for need me. Now what if that person is you? Do you deserve any less from yourself?

 

I know it's probably not best for me to go. But it depends which way I take it. If I just let go and have awesome fun with my friends, without regarding my ex and the other guy, then yes, it will be fine. If I focus on them and trying to NOT care about them and whatever, I will definitely have a miserable night.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[counterman]

You have made very valid points and I might be coming back home saying "I should have listened to you".

 

Part of it is I probably want this healing process to accelerate sometimes so that I can enjoy my evenings out friends. Sometimes I do things that I know might hurt me a little but I don't know why I do it. Each time I do it after, I start to feel indifferent. Sometimes I vent my frustrations out too, 'cause it feels good. Stuff I never thought I would say or think, comes out and each time I do it, it's weird, I feel better when before I would feel guilty for thinking such things about my ex.

 

Being completely honest to myself was really difficult at first. I kept covering up my ex's mistakes and the way she treated me and taking it all upon myself. I was trying to improve myself so that maybe I could get back with her. But, after posting on here and after working on myself and just enjoying my life without her, I realised that I deserved better and I even feel better. I don't want her back.

 

Going to this party, I realised there are potential consequences that I might have to suffer afterwards. It might not even be pretty during the event. I find myself in a new situation and I feel.. mostly excited. Also, a little bit nervous. And maybe deep deep down some residue feelings for my ex. But, he benefits are that I get to hang out with my friends at somewhere new, I get to see the birthday girl who I haven't seen for half a year..there are others I'm sure but yes, I'm still considering whether or not to go.