james197 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I've been seeing my girlfriend for 8 months. I'm 27 and she's 25. I like her, she seems honest but she is immature. If we have an argument or a disagreement, she always winds up shouting while I remain calm. Generally she shouts when she gets frustrated because she's wrong about something or has done something stupid but tries to cover it up or not deal with it. I ended our relationship in September because I was fed up of her, what I would see as immature ways. It was something we had talked about a few weeks before and she acknowledged but nothing changed and I just had enough of our relationship as it was. There were a number of reasons I finished things: She was fussy. Always wanted more. Break promises where I would always put us first. She got lazy at times and seemed to expect me to do things for her. I'd have none of it and would say fair is fair, I'd then be accused of being lousy to her. She'd pass comments on me not being mannerly when she was in no position to talk herself. The day I finished things, after begging me not to end it and saying how she loved me, she left by slamming a door saying she could not give a f*ck about me anyway and that she hates me. We got back together a few weeks later after apologies from her, I'd given her a list of things that I wasn't happy about, she had asked for that. She asked me to give us another chance so that we can try again and that she accepted why our relationship finished because of the way she was and how she appreciates how I always treat her right. Last week we had a mini argument, I was going to say something but I stopped short because I didn't feel the time was right. She kept after me then to say what I was going to say. I asked her just to let it go but she didn't. I said how it was something nice and to trust me that I'd prefer for the time to be right to say it. She didn't leave it drop anyway and then said she hates me. That really ruined the evening anyway, didn't feel like talking much for the rest of the evening after that. It's been bugging me all week that she would say that, I could see why in Sept but last week just irritates me. I've told her yesterday I'm not happy about it. She says she didn't mean it and said it because she was frustrated. It's like the same story prior to when we broke up, she'd get upset and start shouting and saying crazy things. I'd never get caught up in that as I've learned myself it achieves nothing. We haven't been in contact since i texted my disgust was obvious last week and she replied she knows it was. I think it's a very strong thing to say and still am not happy/over it. I'd appreciate general advice, aware it's down to me at the end of the day. What do ye think? Am I over reacting by being bothered by it. For someone to say they hate you, especially in a relationship, where does that stand in bad things to do to someone. Thank you for your time to read this.
Bryanp Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Why do you want to be with someone who is so immature? Why don't you move on and find someone you can respect and someone who can respect you?
Woggle Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Why are in this relationship in the first place? Leave this trainwreck and live a happy life again.
New_Life08 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 If things are as you say they are, she has insecurity/anger issues. The pattern wont change until she gets counseling to overcome whatever caused it. Saying "I hate you" is like venom, you can't take that back, and she has to deal with her problems or she will never have a good relationship with anyone. Personally, if my partner said he hated me it would be the first and last time. all my best to you.
Author james197 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Why do you want to be with someone who is so immature? Why don't you move on and find someone you can respect and someone who can respect you? Thanks for your reply. It's what I'm asking myself. I did end our relationship before but agreed to give us another go. I've been immature myself before but have, thankfully, grown up. I think I've given her more time because I can relate to her immature ways but saying she hates me, that feels like a nasty cut. It's not easy to walk away, will come down to my own gut feeling I guess. I gave us a second chance, not sure I can trust her to change her ways nor does she deserve that chance.
Author james197 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Why are in this relationship in the first place? Leave this trainwreck and live a happy life again. In the relationship because I had feelings for the girl. I've been immature myself, and see things in her the way I was. I've genuinely tried to help her, for herself more than anything, but might have had enought now.
Author james197 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 If things are as you say they are, she has insecurity/anger issues. The pattern wont change until she gets counseling to overcome whatever caused it. Saying "I hate you" is like venom, you can't take that back, and she has to deal with her problems or she will never have a good relationship with anyone. Personally, if my partner said he hated me it would be the first and last time. all my best to you. Thank you for your reply and well wishes. I know, she has insecurity and anger issues. I've tried to help her for her, given her the same advice some friends and family have had for her. She probably does need help, her sister is a counsellor and had tried talking to her. It is like vemon, it's been bugging me all week. I'm not for knee jerk reactions, by gut feeling is how can I go on with someone who says that. You're right, it should be the last time.
serialgf Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 james, you sound like a really nice guy and like you really like this girl... you say you want to help her and you know what? the best way you can help her might be by breaking up with her for good. i am saying this because i used to be a lot like her. i would say horrible things to my bf and we would go through a similar cycle of him being fed up, me apologizing profusely and then getting back together we dated for 6 YEARS... and even though i loved him, you know what? i kind of wish he would have just broken up with me for good when i first started behaving that way i have managed to change my ways, but it was only after i lost him, dated someone else, treated him like crap (though not as much) and just stopped accepting that sort of behavior from myself i am now 29 years old and have only now stopped acting that way for good. i have been dating my current bf for about a year and although we have had arguments, and i have said mean things in retaliation and in the heat of the moment, i am glad to say i have completely stopped being abusive/mean in my humble opinion, it sounds like your gf at best WANTS to change, but that is simply not enough. i recognized my bad behavior and WANTED to change for YEARS before i was finally able to.... and one of the things that really helped speed that progress for me was losing the person i loved for good and really feeling that consequence again, i believe you are helping this girl by breaking up with her and sticking to it... maybe in a year or something if she's really changed and you're meant to be together you'll catch up again... but i'm guessing by then some special girl who's all grown up will have snatched you up!! good luck! sgf
New_Life08 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 james, you sound like a really nice guy and like you really like this girl... you say you want to help her and you know what? the best way you can help her might be by breaking up with her for good. Serialgfisexactly right! Unfortunately some people have to hit rock bottom in order to see the error of their ways. I know this thought is not fun...but it is probably in her best interest (and yours) to tell her goodbye; without giving her any hope of a future reconciliation.
JerseyShortie Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 James, you have every right to be bothered that she would say she hated you. If a boyfriend said that to me, I would be really hurt. I don't truly believe she hates you but that doesn't make it right for her to say it to you. Clearly there are alot of issues here. And I can't say for her why she does these things but some of these things resonated with me with a past man I was envovled in. I will say for myself, I don't mind a little loud arguing if there is a disagreement. I don't think you should be disrespecting the other person but if you can't sometimes yell at each other and express the less pretty feelings along with the pretty ones, it's not going to be the strongest relationship. I can say that as a woman, it's very frustrating when you are upset about something and he just stares at you with no emotional expression. It makes the situation worse. Not better. So while you remained calm and might have thought that your particular style of calm was the best way to approach it, it could have been affecting her negatively anyway because it wasn't the right response for her. Just like it wasn't the right response for you when she was yelling at you. Even worse, when you are upset and he tries to calm you down because it can easily come off as condesending. Especially when you say things like " she gets frustrated because she's wrong about something or has done something stupid but tries to cover it up or not deal with it." Is she really wrong about something or is it a matter of you just not liking what her opinion is? Sounds to me from that comment that you don't care much about her opinion or you seem to think yours is better? I don't know. I could be wrong but that statement rubbed me the wrong way. There were a number of reasons I finished things: She was fussy. Always wanted more. Break promises where I would always put us first. She got lazy at times and seemed to expect me to do things for her. I'd have none of it and would say fair is fair, I'd then be accused of being lousy to her. She'd pass comments on me not being mannerly when she was in no position to talk herself. This relationship isn't working, not just because of her. But because of both of you. Maybe since she asked for a list of things she was doing wrong in the relationship, maybe it would be fair to ask her to make her own list of a list of things she things you are doing wrong in the relationship? You don't like how is fussy. Maybe she doesn't like how you don't make her feel appreicated? Really I don't know. But I figure that if you made a list for her tnat she could make a list for you. That really ruined the evening anyway, didn't feel like talking much for the rest of the evening after that. So she behaved poorly and you inturn behaved just as poorly by emotionally withdrawing from her which of course made her more upset and thus you more frustrated as well. It's like the same story prior to when we broke up, she'd get upset and start shouting and saying crazy things. I'd never get caught up in that as I've learned myself it achieves nothing. Actually, it does achieve something. But she needs to improve her approach. The reason she gets so upset and frustrated with you is because she doesn't feel like your hearing her out or trying to meet some of her needs. Now, she SHOULD improve her approach for sure. But when women express their feelings to their man, it's important to her. So while you don't think it achieves something, it might be for her.
Johnny M Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I don't think she actually hates you. She's just emotionally unbalanced and not particularly smart. In any event, she sounds like she's more trouble than she's worth. I say move on with your life.
phineas Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Jeez. sounds like my STBXW AFTER she started cheating on me. Also sounds like my best friends wife. They got her some medication & she's somewhat better.
Malenfant Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 saying 'i hate you' to your loved one during an argument is not acceptable. Its not the kind of thing you can take back, because even though she later regretted it, at that precise moment in time, she hated you. I would be devastated if my H said that to me regardless of how big an argument it was. it shows either a lack of respect for you, or an inability to keep a handle on her anger. both are bad signs to me.
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