Tsokoholic Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Hi everyone! This is my very first time to write here. I was dumped around three months ago. The relationship lasted for about 2 years.. i'm trying to recover from it and my friends are saying that I'm doing well. NOW.. My ex tells everyone that he lost his love for me a LONG time before the actual break-up (He defends that his new girl that he started dating right after the break-up isn't a rebound). He explains that he just couldn't bear to hurt me by telling me the truth. What I don't get about this is when he broke up with me, he repeatedly told me he still loved me. He said he was still happy to be with me. He said he just wants to focus on himself and he couldn't ask for a better girlfriend. I believed him. I had no other reason to doubt his words before. Was he lying then or is he lying now? I have an inkling that he believes he really lost his love for me a long time ago. I feel like I'm somehow disrespected, like he didn't think I was capable of handling the truth. Is it okay for dumpers to lie to dumpees in the spirit of "cushioning the blow"?
Island Girl Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 The only thing that matters is that it is over. Let's say he was lying then - does it change the outcome? No. If he is lying now - does it change the outcome? No. In the end the relationship is over and if you mull this over and over you will drive yourself crazy. And it will keep you from moving on.
Author Tsokoholic Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 ....if you mull this over and over you will drive yourself crazy. And it will keep you from moving on. You're right. This issue just makes me think about him constantly when what I'm supposed to be focusing on is myself. It just broke my heart all over again when I realized that for sometime (months, I guess) I may have been in an unrequited relationship. It undid all the progress I've had so far in terms of moving on. I cannot look back on our last months together without doubting if it was real. I'm so sorry that I'm still bitter about this. I just wish that if he really couldn't bear to tell me the truth that he no longer loved me before, he spared me this dilemma by not telling me things that made me believe otherwise. I'm also just wondering if this happens a lot. If some people have lied to their exes just so they can spare their feelings and how the dumpees handled it when they found out eventually. But yes, I see the wisdom in what you are saying. It's over. I should just get myself back on the track to moving on. Thank you!!!!
madrugada Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Tsokoholic, I'm in the exact same place. Hindsight hurts, but your attitude about the situation is a healthy one. It hurts, thinking back and realizing what was really going on in our ex's heads. Thinking back to the summer, I see a lot of things happened that I didn't see at the time. My ex checked out months before she actually broke up with me, and knowing that now just kills me. It's part of the pain of knowledge. Once you learn something you can't unlearn it. The only thing you can do is think about how to move on. I'm not one to give advice, though. I'm struggling myself.
Angel1111 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I think he probably meant what he said to you when he broke up with you, but at that time he may not have been aware of why he was breaking up with you - he just felt a need to end it. Then after time passed, he may have drawn a different conclusion - whether it's accurate or not. He may be saying it to make his new gf feel less threatened by you. It's sad that he's saying this to others in a way that it would get back to you, though.
Author Tsokoholic Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) update: He broke NC! He initiated the break-up with the line "I don't know how to put it as softly as possible but I'm starting to fall for another girl. We need to talk". I was so heartbroken and angry at the same time. I told him I couldn't and really didn't want to talk to him. He e-mailed me a day after and explained his side. I've had no contact with him since. I was online (Yahoo messenger) when I suddenly received this message from him saying that he hopes we could talk about what happened. He wants to talk about all the issues regarding the break-up for closure so we could be friends again. How should I handle this? I know this might be more suitable in Coping, sorry. Edited December 6, 2009 by Tsokoholic typo
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 update: He broke NC! He initiated the break-up with the line "I don't know how to put it as softly as possible but I'm starting to fall for another girl. We need to talk". I was so heartbroken and angry at the same time. I told him I couldn't and really didn't want to talk to him. He e-mailed me a day after and explained his side. I've had no contact with him since. I was online (Yahoo messenger) when I suddenly received this message from him saying that he hopes we could talk about what happened. He wants to talk about all the issues regarding the break-up for closure so we could be friends again. How should I handle this? I know this might be more suitable in Coping, sorry. It is called no contact for a reason. What will you gain...likely very little what will you lose...likely a lot.
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 update: He broke NC! He initiated the break-up with the line "I don't know how to put it as softly as possible but I'm starting to fall for another girl. We need to talk". I was so heartbroken and angry at the same time. I told him I couldn't and really didn't want to talk to him. He e-mailed me a day after and explained his side. I've had no contact with him since. I was online (Yahoo messenger) when I suddenly received this message from him saying that he hopes we could talk about what happened. He wants to talk about all the issues regarding the break-up for closure so we could be friends again. How should I handle this? I know this might be more suitable in Coping, sorry. I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to grab onto your dignity and hold tight. Simply tell him something like, "Thanks for the opportunity to talk but I would prefer not to. Hope all is well." And leave it at that. Personally, I'd never go back to someone who dumped me for someone else. If he were happy and content with his current relationship, he wouldn't give a fig about closure with you. Be very careful and don't forget what he did to you. Relationships and their dynamics rarely change between two people so if you go back to him, there's about a 99% chance that he'll want out again at some point.
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Why prolong the agony? The fact that he is now dating someone else says everything you need to hear. I'd hold tight to no contact and stick to your guns about not talking to him.
Author Tsokoholic Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Thanks all of you for replying. I personally think that he is only after friendship because he wrote this blog where he swears his love for his new girl is pure and true (it's also where he says he lost his love for me a long long time ago). He has this principle of staying friends with exes - what my bestfriend calls his "ex-gf club". Right now, I'm sure I'm not capable of giving him the friendship that he wants. I don't want him back anymore but I'm still on my way to healing. Being in contact with him will only hold me back. I totally agree with D-Lish. He's apparently happy dating another girl so I don't think there's anything more to discuss. The R is over. I just don't understand why he's so keen on talking about it. Why wouldn't he just he let me be? I'll send him a quick reply telling him that I don't want to talk as kindly as possible then back to total NC. Sounds good?
ADF Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 It is never okay to lie. And he is liar. Have nothing to do with this man. If his friends have any brains at all, they are probably suspicious of his story. It is just too self-serving and self-justifying to be taken at face value. What a jerk.
Author Tsokoholic Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Tsokoholic, I'm in the exact same place. ... I'm not one to give advice, though. I'm struggling myself. ((hug)) We can get through this. Just remember, what's done is done. We can't go on feeling sorry for ourselves. Even if we spend all hours analyzing the things we should have done to save ourselves from this situation or how unfair our exes were for letting us hold on when they were letting go, we can't change history. Accept that it happened. Accept the heartbreak and the wound your ego sustained. I know for a fact that it's easier said than done. It's a process as they say. I take comfort in the stories of friends and others here in LS that got through the dark ages. We just have to hang on until we find ourselves in a better place.
DenverBachelor Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 If he slowly fell out of love with you and waited months to end it then he's a COWARD. Regardless of what he thinks, he's in a rebound relationship. When people are in long-term relationships (aka living together), of course people fall out of love. That's called "chemicals wearing off." A lot of people are so short-sighted that they don't understand that this is the time to sit down, talk and keep things fresh. However, many people will jump ship but only when someone fresh and exciting come along. Then they'll tell their best friends, family, themselves that this person IS NOT A REBOUND! Yes, it is a rebound. Normal people don't break up one day and start dating someone the next -- or in my case, start dating someone two weeks prior.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) Ugh city. He wants to talk to you about this and obtain closure = he wants to be sure he hasn't done irrepairable damage to you in the event that he decides to come back. OR it could be to alleviate his own guilt.. Either way you look at it: EW. I agree, maintain your dignity and don't allow this to occur. Avoid him like the PLAGUE until you are emotionally stable. Otherwise this is too high-risk for your well-being, and he certainly does not deserve that much. He has taken far more than he should of as it were. As for whether or not he was lying, it would only be speculation at this point because even he probably doesnt know what he was feeling then, only that he didnt want to continue the relationship with you for whatever reason. It's possible his new girl was like, how did you go from her, to me - so fast, without any break to heal? and his answer was: oh, easy - I fell out of love long before the end of the relationship. gag. I would block him off messenger, off your website bookmarks, everything. Keeping tabs on him is only doing your healing damage. You need to focus on you right now, and this idiot is still trying to make the focus about him AFTER the rela is over? BYEBYE, and NEXT!! hugs...big hugs.. Edited December 7, 2009 by J dub
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