Booker43 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I'd like to not consider myself an unfaithful guy, but lately, I've been through alot with my girlfriend and I'm not very happy. My girlfriend is incredibly talented, she has a 4.1 GPA, and she's completely in love with me and expresses that every day. Things that have been difficult though... she looks at me like i'm perfect, and i'm not, I have flaws, I get upset occasionally, sometimes I want her to get real and realize that our relationship isn't a fairytale and there are sometimes issues we have to deal with. She also is an actor, a very good one too, but in an upcoming play she has to get very intimate with a co star which bothered me for a while but i'm over it. But last night, my girlfriend dropped a bombshell on me. We had both talked probably about a year ago (we've been dating almost 2 years) about how many people we had slept with before each other, and it was each 2. Last night I found her crying in my bathroom, I asked what was wrong and she told me that a 26 year old had taken advantage of her when she was 17, and she needed to tell me. I was upset that she lied to me, but more upset at the situatation, my girlfriend who had previously made it clear, and even took pride in the fact that she had not had sex outside of a relationship, lied to me, and it wasn't true. I went out to the bars tonight to work off some steam and I had some girls who so badly wanted to fool around with me on the dance floor but I kept walking away, and for some reason it didn't feel good to walk away, I regreted it. I feel like I have to go through so much **** with my gf, who cares if I make out with a girl on the dancefloor, would that really matter? I know it would, but what does it say about me to be tempted like that? I'm just very confused right now, and I need some help on what direction I should take.
Hop_prophet Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 What are you looking for? No one here is going to support your itch to cheat. You sound extremely selfish to me. Instead of offering your girlfriend support about a very very difficult admission, you blame her for lying??? You should admire her for having the courage to tell you about her trauma. The last thing she needs is more emotional damage for something she probably had no control over. I think you need to reevaluate things. If you feel these urges then you should make a clean break before you do any more damage to this person. You don't understand the damage you will do if you continue with this behavior. Why do you regret doing the right thing? You really think you would feel better if you had messed around on the dance floor? Maybe you need to realize that relationships are not fairy tales and that your actions are going to have some serious ****ing consequences.
harmfulsweetz Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Wow, you are selfish aren't you? She tells you someone took advantage of her when she was young and all you can think about is that she didn't tell you sooner? I'm sorry but wake up. It's very, very hard to confide something like that, and it isn't something people do lightly. Many people never say a word about something like that. I imagine she didn't need you condemning her, she needed you to support, comfort, reassure her. Be on her side 100%. The next time she needs to confide something personal in you I'd imagine she'd think twice. If you seriously would sooner cheat than sort the crap out of with your gf, leave her, let her find someone better. No amount of crap excuses cheating, if you're that unhappy, leave. But you won't. Because you would get the gf and the fun on the side. I know, I've been there, done it. It's incredibly selfish.It will hurt her so much more if you cheat than if you simply end it. Trust me.
Author Booker43 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 She has gotten my support, I haven't gotten upset with her about this but I can't help how it's making me feel. But you guys are right, It was very selfish of me to think that way and thank you for the advice. I am far from perfect, but I have been a good boyfriend to her, and I will try to be better. Thanks
New_Life08 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Hmm, I want to get this straight. She was emotionally confiding to you an obviously degrading event in her past and you are so enraged with jealousy to the very thought that you run away...to a bar...and consider revenge by cheating....because that would even the score? This event was in her past right? It was not while she was with you? I want to be clear on that because that makes a difference! There is something you might want to wrap your head around right now. Even in the most intimate conversations we will never know ALL about what goes on in the present, let alone our partner's past. That is where trust comes in, and unless she has given you a valid reason to question her commitment to you; then you really went out of your way to sabotage your own relationship. I am sure your reaction over her withholding that info will make her hesitant to tell you anything in the future. I am not saying there is no reason to be upset that she never told you, but it was a double negative to run out and drown your sorrows in a bar. I could see you going to a guy friend's house and talking to him, or to a sister, or something. But feeling justified in one-upping her so you can get past your own insecurities is lethal in a relationship. For the record, you need to understand that this kind of revelation is the least of your problems. The real struggles are in the present and future. Maybe you feel you have to uphold a certain standard with her, because she puts you on a pedestal. I will tell you this...she puts you on a pedestal, NOT because she thinks you're perfect, it's because she loves you. I would bet that her emotion in revealing this event had more to do with fear of your reaction than her own shame. You see, she knows you are not perfect, and she knew enough to be afraid of what you thought of her. That is love. Just one more thing... did you run straight to her and tell her what you wanted to do with those women at the bar? If you did, you are more honest than any man I have ever known. If you didn't tell her...think about WHY you didn't tell her and that will give you some idea why she had a hard time telling you about her past.
Author Booker43 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Thank you. I understand that I was totally in the wrong in all of this. It was very stupid of me to think this way, and I'm going to spend alot of time working on myself, and being a better boyfriend to her. The fact is, I'm insecure and I'm jealous, and I need to grow up. I usually spend more time trying to deny that obvious fact rather than accept it and try to change. I've never come that close to cheating, and I feel very ashamed of myself right now, and I hope that I can truly say that from this point forward things will be different. I also really want to thank you guys, I apologize for that babbling post up there but I'm glad I wrote it because I really needed to hear somebody tell it like it is. You may have helped save my relationship.
Woggle Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I don't condone cheating but keep in mind that she would cheat on you in a second if she had the chance so why waste time being the faithful boyfriend when she does not follow the same rules?
Lish Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) Thank you. I understand that I was totally in the wrong in all of this. It was very stupid of me to think this way, and I'm going to spend alot of time working on myself, and being a better boyfriend to her. The fact is, I'm insecure and I'm jealous, and I need to grow up. I usually spend more time trying to deny that obvious fact rather than accept it and try to change. I've never come that close to cheating, and I feel very ashamed of myself right now, and I hope that I can truly say that from this point forward things will be different. I also really want to thank you guys, I apologize for that babbling post up there but I'm glad I wrote it because I really needed to hear somebody tell it like it is. You may have helped save my relationship. There is a big difference in realising you're at fault and accepting it. So to go through the bold bits, and I know people have probably covered this stuff already, but anyway.. - Yes. You were TOTALLY wrong. I don't know the exact story behind this guy taking advantage of her.. but he was about ten years older than her, probably alot stronger and she was probably intimidated by him. Scared, perhaps? It was categorically wrong of you to react the way you did.. she probably didn't tell you this before for a few reasons, a) she felt ashamed and b) was scared (and rightly so) of how her "boyfriend" would react. - You really have to address these issues. - Yep yep, you should be ashamed. - Try to change? No, you have to change.. jealous fits like this will destroy your relationship with this girl. Then, if they aint addressed come the next relationship you're in, it'll destroy that one too. It's a vicious cycle. Don't address your issues for her and to be a better boyfriend, address them for you so you become a better person. Despite sounding like a bitch, I am actually trying to help. I think you know everything I've said so it probably sounds like the same boring stuff, just worded differently, but sometimes it can help. Let me ask you something... do you really love this girl & want to be with her? Edited December 5, 2009 by Lish
Malenfant Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I don't condone cheating but keep in mind that she would cheat on you in a second if she had the chance so why waste time being the faithful boyfriend when she does not follow the same rules? wow, thats really, really harsh. where does the OP mention his GF being unfaithfull? how can you say she'd definately cheat? or are you generalising by saying that anyone would cheat given a chance?
Author Booker43 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Let me ask you something... do you really love this girl & want to be with her? I've had to ask myself those questions a few times and the answer is always yes. I am incredibly lucky and happy to have her in my life. The issues are with me, not her. I know I can change, and I will. It's strange, I will sometimes have that feeling like I haven't "played the field" enough to be in a relationship but I've always hated that excuse when it came from others, and I still do. It's like I know exactly the kind of man I should be, and I know she's the one I want to be with, but these feelings come in and just posion my thoughts. I hate that about myself. I would like to clarify though, I didn't have a fit and run out to the bars. I have treated her with support and comfort in this situation, it's what is going on in my mind and my feelings that's the issue. I do really appreciate the feedback. Thanks
Woggle Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 wow, thats really, really harsh. where does the OP mention his GF being unfaithfull? how can you say she'd definately cheat? or are you generalising by saying that anyone would cheat given a chance? I know women and she sounds like the type to cheat.
Malenfant Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I know women and she sounds like the type to cheat. oh i'm glad you cleared that up. I'm impressed, I didnt realise there was a man who knows all women, wow, you must have got about alot. Considering OPs post, and how he was talking about how he felt a bit tempted into cheating, i'd be curious to know what exactly OP said about her behaviour that led you to that conclusion?
LovieDove24 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 By "Taken Advantage Of" do you mean raped? If so, your response was in very poor taste. If by "Taken Advantage of" she just meant she was seduced by an older man possibly on a drunken night, she most likely lied initially b/c she was ashamed of her lack of judgement or possibly she just thought the number two sounded better than three. Either way if this instance is the case I believe you have a right to be a little upset despite what other posters here have said. But indeed Im not sure I'm interpretting this correctly.
Author Booker43 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 By "Taken Advantage Of" do you mean raped? If so, your response was in very poor taste. If by "Taken Advantage of" she just meant she was seduced by an older man possibly on a drunken night, she most likely lied initially b/c she was ashamed of her lack of judgement or possibly she just thought the number two sounded better than three. Either way if this instance is the case I believe you have a right to be a little upset despite what other posters here have said. But indeed Im not sure I'm interpretting this correctly. Taken advantage of as in this man befriended her and they eventually ended up having sex. I'm not sure how it went down and I don't care to know. But I do know my girlfriend, I know that she's insecure, easily trusts others and she grew up without a father or an older brother to protect her. If the guy was 18, alright, he's just as dumb and is doing what any 18 year old would do. But 26? When you're 26 you know exactly what you're doing. It makes me feel sick.
Lish Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I've had to ask myself those questions a few times and the answer is always yes. I am incredibly lucky and happy to have her in my life. The issues are with me, not her. I know I can change, and I will. It's strange, I will sometimes have that feeling like I haven't "played the field" enough to be in a relationship but I've always hated that excuse when it came from others, and I still do. It's like I know exactly the kind of man I should be, and I know she's the one I want to be with, but these feelings come in and just posion my thoughts. I hate that about myself. I would like to clarify though, I didn't have a fit and run out to the bars. I have treated her with support and comfort in this situation, it's what is going on in my mind and my feelings that's the issue. I do really appreciate the feedback. Thanks It does matter in some ways how you reacted to her... but it doesn't excuse the fact you felt how you did - and these feelings, whether or not you express them to your girlfriend or not, are the issue. I really do wish you all the best. oh and... don't get married until this is all sorted in your head
Author Booker43 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I have some good news. I confessed to my girlfriend about last night and she was very understanding. I honestly feel like I've released some big time demons with this whole situation, as cheesy as that might sound. I love her very much and I feel like I appreciate her more than ever, I've been given a second chance. Thank you guys again, thanks for being hard on me, I wish you all the best.
Miad's Princess Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I know women and she sounds like the type to cheat. Wow are you some sort of pyschic? OR Let me guess, takes one to know one right?
harmfulsweetz Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I have some good news. I confessed to my girlfriend about last night and she was very understanding. I honestly feel like I've released some big time demons with this whole situation, as cheesy as that might sound. I love her very much and I feel like I appreciate her more than ever, I've been given a second chance. Thank you guys again, thanks for being hard on me, I wish you all the best. Good for you :) It's good you told her, and also good you didn't act on your desire.
Miad's Princess Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I have some good news. I confessed to my girlfriend about last night and she was very understanding. I honestly feel like I've released some big time demons with this whole situation, as cheesy as that might sound. I love her very much and I feel like I appreciate her more than ever, I've been given a second chance. Thank you guys again, thanks for being hard on me, I wish you all the best. Firstly regarding your first post, I admire the fact you walked away! Secondly I admire you again for being open and honest with your gf, it is not always easy to always open up to certain issues especially ones where there is dark thoughts involved. I am a firm believer that when you share things especially the negative stuff it puts things into a better perspective, plus you instantly desire it less when you share it with your other half Keep appreciating each other, remember why you guys fell in love in the first place
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