bruce wayne Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 hi. i am a long time viewer but first time poster. ive been off and on with this girl for about two and a half years. she was the first to say i love u and oddly enough when she said that she also said we wouldnt work. didnt make sense to me and i also cared about her so i tried assuring her if she loved me that we could make it work. she eventually agreed and said that she was happy i didnt let her go. unfortunately this seems to be the way she is with our "relationship" all the time. we began dating (l.d.) and thats when i noticed a problem. if something came up that i needed to ask her about or if we had a diasgreement she suddenly became "busy." basically i would try to say lets just talk about it and she would say tomorrow. tomorrow would come and she'd be busy again. so after a couple attempts to try talking out our disagreement i would become upset. her then seeing me upset would make her say "lets take a break." i agree becuase at this point im so pissed at wat she did to make me upset in the first place and her lack of willingness to talk about it before im upset. so i start n.c. she then says she loves me but needs time to herself. so i give it. she will then say happy anniversary to me through text although were on break or still talk to me like we are tg. same amount of communication so after a few times of this happening. i begin to think that maybe she avoids fights and sees any disagreement as potential.so i then when we disagree again and she doesnt want to talk i try to convince that its ok to disagree and that if we dont talk it out the problem will remain. the more i try the more reluctant and distant she becomes to the point where shes saying i dont love u stay out my life. so after telling her i know u dont mean that i leave her alone. only to have her contact me a couple days later saying shes sorry and doesnt mean it. this has been the cycle and ive been tryna break it. any suggestions? cliff notes: -we have a diasgreement -she avoids talking it out -i get upset and try to communicate; the more i do the more she pulls away -she says she doesnt love me, leave her alone, i like someone else -i start nc -she comes back saying shes sorry and didnt mean waht she said
Island Girl Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 With the drama you never do get to address disagreements. Any bone of contention remains to be fought about another day. The drama LIVES ON!! And she can keep you head constantly spinning. Hey she knows how to make sure you are ALWAYS thinking about her - confused by her - and wrapped up in her. 1. She is incapable of a mature relationship. 2. You are in a manipulative merry go round. Anyone can try to explain the decisions she makes when she makes them - but it boils down to that. Now your choice whether you want to stay on the ride or get off but it won't get better, easier for you to understand, or easier to deal with.
XKatieX Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Holy crap. I think you are the mirror image of me and my ex boyfriend. We were together for 2.5 years, in a LDR, we also went through the same cycle, fought a lot too. The key really is though is communication and respect. She seems like the type of person that needs space after an arugment, so when that happens that's what you need to give her. When she's ready to talk she will come around. But do not pressure her whatever you do, try to understand her the best you can and try and ask her how you guys can fix the problem. Arguing can be difficult, but its not difficult when you know how to argue the right way, and find a compromise.
Island Girl Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I disagree. Even the "I love you but it's not going to work" is a head game. Here she was professing her love and made you CONVINCE her that it would. You bought in - and she KNEW you were "bought in" to the Nth degree. Every time you get mad at her - she causes drama and by the time that is over there is no discussion about why you were angry - after all - It seems small compared to taking a break - breaking up -- and then *relief* back together again. I'm sorry for the head games you deal with and have dealt with from the very beginning.
Author bruce wayne Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 thank you for your responses. the funny thing is both of these responses represent both sides of my decision. on one hand i do not feel she is mature enough relationship wise ( i am her longest relationship off and on). i tell myself she is manipulative by saying things that hurt me so ill leave her alone only to come back begging me to talk to her when i start nc and ignore her subtle attempts at communication. but on the other hand i look at her and feel that if i truely loved her i would be understanding of her way of dealing by avoiding and understand that she speaks outta anger. ive laid it out before and said if u seriously want to go then go and she will just look at me put her head down and say nothing. so aggravating! she will then leave saying idk and then text me saying sorry. confusion!
Island Girl Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 thank you for your responses. the funny thing is both of these responses represent both sides of my decision. on one hand i do not feel she is mature enough relationship wise ( i am her longest relationship off and on). i tell myself she is manipulative by saying things that hurt me so ill leave her alone only to come back begging me to talk to her when i start nc and ignore her subtle attempts at communication. but on the other hand i look at her and feel that if i truely loved her i would be understanding of her way of dealing by avoiding and understand that she speaks outta anger. ive laid it out before and said if u seriously want to go then go and she will just look at me put her head down and say nothing. so aggravating! she will then leave saying idk and then text me saying sorry. confusion! Another head game -- constructed - and not real. By that I mean, she is really feeling it at that moment but it isn't based in anything other than keeping the relationship filled with dram - you on the edge - and your head spinning with -- CONFUSION. Been there - done that. Not only got the t-shirt but designed them and wrote the handbook for future reference. She is NOT mature enough to handle a relationship. She can not grow and become mature enough while IN a relationship. As long as she is in "the game" she will be playing "the game". Alone she really has to spend time with herself. Until that happens she will not work on her own issues. If you can't see it then she has really got you not knowing whether you are coming and going.
Author bruce wayne Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 lol. i hate those tshirts! u do make a good point.
XKatieX Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 thank you for your responses. the funny thing is both of these responses represent both sides of my decision. on one hand i do not feel she is mature enough relationship wise ( i am her longest relationship off and on). i tell myself she is manipulative by saying things that hurt me so ill leave her alone only to come back begging me to talk to her when i start nc and ignore her subtle attempts at communication. but on the other hand i look at her and feel that if i truely loved her i would be understanding of her way of dealing by avoiding and understand that she speaks outta anger. ive laid it out before and said if u seriously want to go then go and she will just look at me put her head down and say nothing. so aggravating! she will then leave saying idk and then text me saying sorry. confusion! Yeah the last thing you said led me to believe, maybe she doesn't know what she wants. Could you just sit her down and ask her what she truly wants? Or will she just do the usual and avoid the situation? On the other hand maybe she just isn't ready for a serious relationship.
Author bruce wayne Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 that instance i mentioned was actually our last sit down face to face. we planned to talk about how we felt and say everything. i was finally able to express my side as she listened and she began hers as i listened. she said i know i put u through alot and u can do better. she said if u were my friend i would say leave her alone. i dont know what love is. i dont know how im supposed to feel. her quotes not mine. i said i agree. i can do better and although it would be hard i can move on but i know once i leave u alone ull come back. so u need to decide what u want and if i get on the plane and u say u dont want this that fine im not looking back. then she did what i posted above
Island Girl Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 that instance i mentioned was actually our last sit down face to face. we planned to talk about how we felt and say everything. i was finally able to express my side as she listened and she began hers as i listened. she said i know i put u through alot and u can do better. she said if u were my friend i would say leave her alone. i dont know what love is. i dont know how im supposed to feel. her quotes not mine. i said i agree. i can do better and although it would be hard i can move on but i know once i leave u alone ull come back. so u need to decide what u want and if i get on the plane and u say u dont want this that fine im not looking back. then she did what i posted above Yes that may be what you said. But it isn't what you DID. In fact she didn't make up her mine or tell you anything definitely about any of it and you stayed - not only stayed but listened -- and not only listened but to more words that don't say anything one way or the other. You make a mistake again and again to put this in HER hands when she is the source of indecision and drama. YOU need to decide what YOU want in YOUR life. Weigh being with her - and dealing with these kinds of situations possibly forever - and probably getting worse actually - with NOT being with her and getting on with your life and a stable relationship. And also keep in mind that she breaks up with you A LOT and you just let her waltz back in so you could be on the verge of becoming her doormat.
Author bruce wayne Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 i see what you are saying. i think uve pointed out something that ive been denying and thats indecision in myself. i need to decide to deal with it or not. thank u.
Island Girl Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 i see what you are saying. i think uve pointed out something that ive been denying and thats indecision in myself. i need to decide to deal with it or not. thank u. You are welcome. I mean it with the best of intentions believe me. But it really is your decision and up to you. Don't leave your life or the fate of your future in the hands of someone else in situations like this or romances in general. Call your own shots and have your own boundaries and standards of how you will be treated.
Author bruce wayne Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 so i decided i would try to be "understanding and patient" with her immaturity. instead of asking to talk i simply tried to be there as a friend (we are not tg now). this was not to try to get her back with her by being her friend first but it was more for me to see if i could deal with her. the underlying problems have been that she lies or hides things when she is uncomfortable. i have caught her numerous times in lies and hiding things (one of which was a myspace profile). so this is the reason i tried so many times despite the drama to make it work with her. i felt if we "talked" i could show her that she would not need to lie or hide things from me. naturally the lack of trust by her actions had a drain on our relationship. i doesnt help that she has a busy schedule. so u can imagine the arguments of are u really at school or with a guy vs why are u questioning me? she never seemed to understand that if u lied to someone that they are gonna be suspicious. so we argue and then she'll say stay out of my life, ignore my calls and be too busy. i than start no contact and within a couple days later she is back to texting me in the middle of the night. its very aggravating and at this point i think im just venting. i have been trying to be peaceable with this girl to avoid having to go to nc. but its like she doesnt appreciate til i do. and so the cycle continues...
Author bruce wayne Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 does anyone see a way out of this cycle that would possibly have us tg? i do care about her and have done nc to focus on me. i just feel im too close to the situation to see the solution. anybody else been here?
blackbear_703 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hey Bruce-- Your story sounds all too familiar. In fact, I just exited a very similar cycle myself w/ my ex....who sounds quite a lot like your own g/f. If you really want to get back together with this girl, she's going to have to make some serious changes and start being honest with you, be willing to provide you with a more loving, open relationship, and respecting your boundaries...esp. your right to NC. Right now she is hijacking your boundaries by denying you your right to NC and, ultimately, healing. This gives her control over both you and the relationship. In addition, she is also lying and as long as she's doing that, there's going to be no trust or true love. As long as she's not willing to do these things, she's going to keep playing these games and it's going to get more and more confusing and painful for you over time. Do you want that from someone you love? If you do get back with her (and hopefully she's doing the above), you can try giving her some space so she'll feel comfortable talking with you about whatever issues may crop up in the relationship and be sure to be open-minded toward whatever she may be feeling...no matter how absurd it may seem. If she is willing to talk with you about her innermost feelings, try not to get emotional and just listen. All in all, honesty and respect are the key words here and without these things, any relationship is not going to last very long. Whether you decide to get back with her or not is your choice, but please keep these things in mind and no matter what, respect yourself first and foremost. Good luck and hope things work out for the best!
Author bruce wayne Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 thank u very much for ur reply. we are currently in the position where im trying to talk to her so i wont have to go to nc..but she will not make the time. she will also say things to push me away (like she always does). so i guess i really need to just do nc again until she has learned her lesson and wants nothing but to make it work? like ignore her "hi, hey, talk to me" texts until they turn into "im sorry, i need u, i'll never do it agin" texts?
blackbear_703 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 You're very welcome for the reply. As for NC, I wouldn't get my hopes up and count on that pressuring her into being honest and understanding. There's a good chance she may not be willing to compromise or make any special efforts to understand at all. From what you've said she is pulling the strings and she may not be willing to give up control that easily. Use NC as a means to focus on yourself, how you feel about things, and what you want from her and in a relationship in general. That way if she truly does love you and is ready to be honest and compromising, you can go back with a clear heart and mind. That is, if you decide to do so.
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