Midlife Crisis or something else...a little perspective would be great?

[Reefgirl]

Is my husband is having somekind of midlife crisis...is something else is going on or am I just overreacting?

 

I am a 32yr old woman and my husband and I have been together since we were 19. We have been best friends, we have 2 beautiful children, we have been very happily married for 8 years and I really believe he is an awesome husband and father.

 

He has been very close with his brother for as long as I can remember, and at least 2 or 3 friday's a month he would go hang out with his brother and play video games and maybe have a drink or two.....kind of a little escape from the kids and time to himself and he was usually home by 11 or so. Since his brothers wife had a baby a few months ago, he doesnt want to go over there because of the baby.

 

For the past several weeks (6 or so) he has been hanging out with his single cousin instead.....playing video games and stuff at his apartment (I thought).

 

Until I found out they were spending most of their time out at bars drinking. He also has a new friend who goes with them....she is a 22yr old girl. She has a boyfriend who goes sometimes too, but she and my husband have become such good friends that they now text each other constantly (literally thousands of texts per week).

 

They have been having so much fun that they have been going out several times a week (staying out really late)and he is spending allot of money and he is drinking more than I am comfortable with. His cousin just had to move about an hour away because of his job, so now they are having "sleep-overs" because he cant drive home after he drinks (his cousin just got another DUI).

 

He didn't tell me about the bars or his new female friend until I came across a msg she sent him....needless to say, I was very upset because all of this had been going on for weeks and he had been lying to me. He swears nothing is going on with her, but I am very uncomfortable with the situation...especially after finding out he was lying about where he was and who he was with.

 

Since I found out about all of this, we have been arguing almost daily...then we make up, then something else pops up and I find out about ANOTHER lie. I have told him that I do not think a married man should be lying, going to bars, having sleep overs or talking to another woman as much as he has been. He keeps saying that I am over reacting and that he loves me and is happily married.

 

Is this just a stage he's going through that will pass like he keeps claiming.. am I just delusional for wanting to believe that...a little outside perspective would be great.

[mem11363]

How good is your sexual relationship overall and how has it been during the last year?

 

He is having an EA at the very least and it will likely morph into a PA unless something happens to stop it.

 

As a man in a happy 20 year marriage with 3 kids and a great wife I can give you a balanced view of this.

 

The prior arrangement where he had some boys nights out with his brother was totally cool. And it says you are a good and secure wife so feel good about that.

 

The new deal is off the charts wrong. One he should not be doing regular nights of getting drunk and sleeping away. That is not what a grown man with a wife and kids does. Sure one boys weekend a year - of going somewhere with ALL MEN and hanging out doing GUY stuff and drinking is fine. Maybe even a guys week. All guys - doing guy stuff. No women - for sure no unmarried young women.

 

He is playing with fire. If all the texts with this woman are innocent have him hand you his phone and let you sit there and read to your hearts content.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is my husband is having somekind of midlife crisis...is something else is going on or am I just overreacting?

 

I am a 32yr old woman and my husband and I have been together since we were 19. We have been best friends, we have 2 beautiful children, we have been very happily married for 8 years and I really believe he is an awesome husband and father.

 

He has been very close with his brother for as long as I can remember, and at least 2 or 3 friday's a month he would go hang out with his brother and play video games and maybe have a drink or two.....kind of a little escape from the kids and time to himself and he was usually home by 11 or so. Since his brothers wife had a baby a few months ago, he doesnt want to go over there because of the baby.

 

For the past several weeks (6 or so) he has been hanging out with his single cousin instead.....playing video games and stuff at his apartment (I thought).

 

Until I found out they were spending most of their time out at bars drinking. He also has a new friend who goes with them....she is a 22yr old girl. She has a boyfriend who goes sometimes too, but she and my husband have become such good friends that they now text each other constantly (literally thousands of texts per week).

 

They have been having so much fun that they have been going out several times a week (staying out really late)and he is spending allot of money and he is drinking more than I am comfortable with. His cousin just had to move about an hour away because of his job, so now they are having "sleep-overs" because he cant drive home after he drinks (his cousin just got another DUI).

 

He didn't tell me about the bars or his new female friend until I came across a msg she sent him....needless to say, I was very upset because all of this had been going on for weeks and he had been lying to me. He swears nothing is going on with her, but I am very uncomfortable with the situation...especially after finding out he was lying about where he was and who he was with.

 

Since I found out about all of this, we have been arguing almost daily...then we make up, then something else pops up and I find out about ANOTHER lie. I have told him that I do not think a married man should be lying, going to bars, having sleep overs or talking to another woman as much as he has been. He keeps saying that I am over reacting and that he loves me and is happily married.

 

Is this just a stage he's going through that will pass like he keeps claiming.. am I just delusional for wanting to believe that...a little outside perspective would be great.

[Reefgirl]

How good is your sexual relationship overall and how has it been during the last year?

 

Pretty good...

 

He is having an EA at the very least and it will likely morph into a PA unless something happens to stop it.

 

I actually said that too him and he basically said that was stupid. He is normally very sensative and loving, but when he is being defensive he can be very cruel.

 

As a man in a happy 20 year marriage with 3 kids and a great wife I can give you a balanced view of this.

 

The prior arrangement where he had some boys nights out with his brother was totally cool. And it says you are a good and secure wife so feel good about that.

 

The new deal is off the charts wrong. One he should not be doing regular nights of getting drunk and sleeping away. That is not what a grown man with a wife and kids does. Sure one boys weekend a year - of going somewhere with ALL MEN and hanging out doing GUY stuff and drinking is fine. Maybe even a guys week. All guys - doing guy stuff. No women - for sure no unmarried young women.

 

He is playing with fire. If all the texts with this woman are innocent have him hand you his phone and let you sit there and read to your hearts content.

 

That was my thought as well.....he is on his blackberry texting constantly and he guards it with his life. I have even told him that I wouldn't feel this way if it didnt appear as he was trying to hide this from me. His response is always that it is just nothing little bs texts that mean nothing and are about nothing.

 

He just keeps saying that after all this time together, I should trust him because I have no reason not to and that he doesn't have to prove himself. I try to explain that if it really is nothing, then he could alleviate making me feel this way by simply being open and cutting back.

 

I won't tell him he can't have a female friend, but this situation is very hurtful and as much as he keeps telling me he loves me, he will not stop making me feel this way.

 

This all leads to another arguement and we both end up even more frustrated than before.

[allhopelost]

He just keeps saying that after all this time together, I should trust him because I have no reason not to and that he doesn't have to prove himself.

 

I completely trusted my wife after all our time together (23 years & three kids) and she had an affair. Honey, you have more than enough reason to NOT trust him and HE DOES have to prove himself or else your marraige will ultimately go south, and it will be worse than the two of you could ever imagine.

I wish you the best.

[giotto]

yep, typical mid-life crisis... he is having fun and now doesn't care much about his family and wife... too busy drinking and behaving like a teenager! I don't read that much into his relationship with the younger woman, although I'm sure he feels flattered that a younger woman is paying him any attention... it's probably an ego trip of some sort. Nevertheless, I would keep an eye on it...

Finally: what to do? Sit him down and tell him you've had enough of his behaviour!

[PandorasBox]

I think you need to tell him you've had enough of his behavior too. However make sure that whatever you tell him you are or not going to do if it continues on, that you follow through with it, or he will think you're just spouting off at the mouth. You've got to be serious and he needs to know you are, not just in your words but in your actions. Because right now, he is showing you in his actions what he is serious about.

[scatterd]

Your story sounds alot like mine.We had a real good relationship but he changed was hanging out with a girl at work old enouth to be his dauhter.We have had nothing but problems since hes mean and hides things from me.He has cooled off coming home from work late and leaving early.Tell him that you wont put up with it and I hope he respects you enough to stop.Sorry for your pain and good luck!

[angie2443]

Is this just a stage he's going through that will pass like he keeps claiming.. am I just delusional for wanting to believe that...a little outside perspective would be great.

 

Sorry, I think it's delusional for wanting to believe him. You can put up with his behavior and let it slowly destroy your marriage, or you can tell him that you won't be with him if he continues to act like a child and mean it. At least with the second option, you take charge of your life instead of letting him have all the control.

[You Go Girl]

This situation looks so far gone that I think you need to get a babysitter and go along on one of these outings.

If he doesn't want to incorporate his wife into this new scene, there's your bigger redder flag right there.

Your presence will probably dampen the experience. He might remember then he has a wife and kids at home, and that both parents can't be out pretending they are 20 and single, or else who is going to raise the kids?

And who's driving when they leave these bars? And who's sleeping where on these sleepovers? Geesh!

 

People do innocently start behaving in ways that escalate and later lead to alcoholism, cheating, etc., and believe that their spouse is being unreasonable for calling them on their actions. Just because he didn't go looking for it doesn't mean it isn't currently happening, or in the near future.

 

Is he hiding text messages? Does he have a code so that you can't see them? You said he was guarding his phone...

worst case scenario he's into some threesome with this girl and her guy, or cheating on her bf with your husband, if only emotionally. don't rule it out just because she has a bf. I don't want to have you accuse him, or be overly suspicious, but I am saying that just because this girl has a bf, that doesn't mean that she is unavailable.