McGrupp Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 i wonder why that is. i really dont think i want to kill myself. i dont want to hurt my family. i dont want to hurt her. in fact if i did it i would rather she never knew. just wonder why these thoughts pop into my head and then i have to shake them off...
Lizzie60 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 If you have those thoughts.. then you need some kind of help or support. Talk to a person you completely trust... Yes.. you would hurt your family enormously.. you have no idea how much pain you would inflict them.. Don't do this.. talk to someone, get some help.. go to your doctor.. I've been there for 6 years (6 years of complete hell) and I know I wouldn't have made it without medication.. it is primordial that you get an appointment with your doctor..
Author McGrupp Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) i stopped the meds. they made me more suicidal (i think)/ its like every time i think of her, and know i cant be with her, the helpless feeling, the thought of her with someone else, the thoughts of my mistakes...the suicidal thoughts subtly arise. the anxiety + depression = not good. kinda like i just want the pain to stop. something like that Edited December 5, 2009 by McGrupp
mendsley Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Hey McGrupp, I know what you are going thru. Just within the last couple of months I have had the same thoughts, not all the time just when some s**t goes south with the ex. My thoughts range from I just want to end all this crap and stop the pain to I should do it to make people feel pain! I think the important thing here is all they are are just thoughts and not reality. I have never wanted to hurt me or anyone else I know but, more I guess for attention. Now I just get pissed off, but I guess that it's part of the process.
DenverBachelor Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 i stopped the meds. they made me more suicidal (i think)/ its like every time i think of her, and know i cant be with her, the helpless feeling, the thought of her with someone else, the thoughts of my mistakes...the suicidal thoughts subtly arise. the anxiety + depression = not good. kinda like i just want the pain to stop. something like that You need to call a therapist or actually someone able to prescribe medication. I know it hurts, and believe me -- even though she cheated on me, I see a long string of things I could have done to make the past better. But you need to focus on the present and take it in stride as the BIGGEST learning experience of your life. I promise you that you will get through this -- but ending your life is out of the question. You need to walk the hardest path and forge on -- that's what we do. The reason we fall down is to learn how to pick ourselves back up. If you can get through this, you will get through ANYTHING. So keep that in mind. You'll make it to the finish line someday. You just need to stop blaming yourself completely for the relationship and learn that your partner had issues, too. You're probably too co-dependant -- so take time out for yourself and improve your life. Learn from the mistakes and forge on. No matter how beautiful it felt to you -- God put it in your life as a growing experience and you need to get over the hump and realize that once you get past this, you'll be more of a man than you have ever been. So press on and march forward. Crawl at first if you have to, but get back up on your feet and start walking. You don't know it now, but I promise you that better times await you.
mendsley Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Sorry to post again but, I wanted to say something else. I think a lot of that thinking has to do with the idea of not accepting the current situation. We try so hard to not accept what is forced on us and it drives us freaking crazy. For me, although it has been over a year, this s**t happened so fast it was and still is hard for me to figure out what happened. But, we are forced into being a memory. For me I hate being forced into something that I do not believe in or want to be a part of, I was only focused on what I wanted for me. The reality is time really does help, A year ago I was a damn zombie, I cared less for myself and only for the ex, everything I did I had us getting back together in mind. What do you do with your spare time McGrupp? I know not one person in the state I live in but I go to martial arts and the gym almost every night and stay pretty active. Doing that has helped me keep my thoughts at bay, it's not a cure but it does help ALLOT! Talk to you later
DenverBachelor Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) Mcgrupp, If it makes you feel any better, this morning I woke up, slammed the snooze button and went back to sleep for an hour. During that time, I went straight into a dream. I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a hot bath to relax and she walked past the door naked. I smiled at her and she smiled back. I got into the tub resigned at our breakup and suddenly I felt two hands on my shoulders and I looked up to see her smiling overtop of me and bending down to give me a kiss. Then I woke up and was like, "Are you ****ing kidding me?" It's a wild ride. Like a rollercoaster. Life doesn't often make sense. Our brains work overtime to make connections -- but in the end, life can be a pretty wild ride. Just hold on and keep pushing forward. (Jesus, what a dream) Edited December 5, 2009 by DenverBachelor
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 i stopped the meds. they made me more suicidal (i think)/ its like every time i think of her, and know i cant be with her, the helpless feeling, the thought of her with someone else, the thoughts of my mistakes...the suicidal thoughts subtly arise. the anxiety + depression = not good. kinda like i just want the pain to stop. something like that You stop them after 4 days. You were highly suicidal before them, you were suicidal after them, you really think they were the issue?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 It is precisely because you want the pain to stop. Helpless feelings, you have no control over whether she loves you. We can't make them love us. Feelings of disbelief and horror. Sometimes it feels like there is nowhere for the enormity of all these feelings to go, you want to stop feeling all these horrible feelings but they keep on and on going around and around and you can't see an end to it or a way through, it's like repeatedly banging your head against the wall. I still have these feelings sometimes, but not so often now and not so strongly. I feel very anxious and depressed, I suffer long term with this anyway but it's been magnified. I don't feel I have the choice to take anti deps cos I get bad side effects, I could try different ones I guess but taking them makes me anxious, so I feel I have no choice but to wade through all this without them, it is a scary thought but if I make it I will feel so proud of myself and realise how strong I am. If you feel you can't get through without anti deps, please see your doc and ask to try different ones. i stopped the meds. they made me more suicidal (i think)/ its like every time i think of her, and know i cant be with her, the helpless feeling, the thought of her with someone else, the thoughts of my mistakes...the suicidal thoughts subtly arise. the anxiety + depression = not good. kinda like i just want the pain to stop. something like that
mickleb Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 You know the book, McGr? You're stuck in the Internalising stage. When did you internalise pain as a child? This is a habit you have formed. It's tricky to break. In fact, you internalise your issues so much you are unable to accept almost any of the advice of anyone else here. Somehow, you have 'lived inside of yourself' for so much of your life, that your ego is completely tied up into the process. You think you know what's best for you as you know yourself 'so well'. But you don't appear to know what's best for you, as you consistently seek outside help. There is no way any of us can get a good grip on ourselves without external responses. What is inside our heads is often very different to what others see, and often conflicts with our behaviours. But we get so stuck in there, it's impossible to be objective about this. I get stuck in Withdrawn too often but I'm working on it. Did you speak to your doctor before stopping the meds? If not, it was a mistake. Speak to him/her asap. x
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 You know the book, McGr? You're stuck in the Internalising stage. When did you internalise pain as a child? This is a habit you have formed. It's tricky to break. In fact, you internalise your issues so much you are unable to accept almost any of the advice of anyone else here. Somehow, you have 'lived inside of yourself' for so much of your life, that your ego is completely tied up into the process. You think you know what's best for you as you know yourself 'so well'. But you don't appear to know what's best for you, as you consistently seek outside help. There is no way any of us can get a good grip on ourselves without external responses. What is inside our heads is often very different to what others see, and often conflicts with our behaviours. But we get so stuck in there, it's impossible to be objective about this. I get stuck in Withdrawn too often but I'm working on it. Did you speak to your doctor before stopping the meds? If not, it was a mistake. Speak to him/her asap. x smart post
Angel1111 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I know that a lot of people immediatley hop on the 'get help' bandwagon every time somone says that they think about suicide, but I think most people entertain the idea of suicide at different times in their lives because it's a total rock-bottom form of thinking, and something that can actually keep things in perspective. In other words, it's the final form of escape. Something we know that's a possibility if all else fails. I know that if I get really, really down and start thinking that way, it's my wake-up call to get over or deal with whatever is bugging me. But I also know that circumstances would have to be pretty horrible for me to actually pull that off. The people who need help when they think about suicide are the ones who don't deal with their feelings or problems, who don't talk to others about their problems, and who are getting their lives in order to pull it off. Most people don't go that far. Still, as sad as it is, that is their choice. It's a pretty permanent one so, personally, I've never come across anything that merited using that solution. I just don't think that every person who occasionally contemplates the idea of suicide has mental problems. I think it just means that they're exploring all possibilities of escape for the immediate problem at hand.
Lizzie60 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Grupp.. it takes about 2 weeks for medication to kick in.. you can't stop without first talking to your doctor about it.. it could be dangerous to do so... Angel.. I know most people entertain the idea of suicide at one point in their life.. especially younger people.. BUT... any ideas of suicide should be taken seriously... I can see that if contemplating suicide for a day or two then the idea goes away .. then that's not too serious.. but to entertain that idea on a long-term basis. and actually 'planning' it.. could be fatal.. btdt.. for 6 years.. 3 serious tentatives...(I was hospitalized for the last 2).. 1 week in a coma (2nd tentative, hospitalized in the mental wing for a week after that).. I know what I'm talking about.. I couldn't have made it without strong medication. Therapy, in my case, was waste of time, energy and money. It is serious matter.. especially now days..
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Grupp.. it takes about 2 weeks for medication to kick in.. you can't stop without first talking to your doctor about it.. it could be dangerous to do so... Angel.. I know most people entertain the idea of suicide at one point in their life.. especially younger people.. BUT... any ideas of suicide should be taken seriously... I can see that if contemplating suicide for a day or two then the idea goes away .. then that's not too serious.. but to entertain that idea on a long-term basis. and actually 'planning' it.. could be fatal.. btdt.. for 6 years.. 3 serious tentatives...(I was hospitalized for the last 2).. 1 week in a coma (2nd tentative, hospitalized in the mental wing for a week after that).. I know what I'm talking about.. I couldn't have made it without strong medication. Therapy, in my case, was waste of time, energy and money. It is serious matter.. especially now days.. thank you for being so open.
Trinitron Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Dude, do you REALLY think things are so hopeless that you're willing to off yourself? REALLY? My cousin stuck a shotgun in his mouth and ended it, do you really think your lot in life, at 25 years old is so bad that you are willing to actually think of doing something like this? Man, start appreciating the little things like being able to wake up and see the morning sun, or being able to simply smell, taste and touch. Start small and let it build its own momentum, we all care about you, but we cannot save you, you've GOT to man up, take this bull by the horns and control your own destiny. Look, this forum drama has got to stop, its high time YOU took control of this, right here and right now. Take a week off from posting and see what YOU can do for YOU. See ya next Saturday. Trinitron
madrugada Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Have you ever watched that show, M*A*S*H? The theme song to that show, with all the medical helicopters flying around , is called "suicide is painless" Don't know why I even mentioned it, but you need to sit down and think about things. From reading your other posts, it seems like you've been able to move on quite well, or at least you have the potential to. You're just like me in that we read too much into things, we over-analyze every situation we find ourselves in. I'm reading you on that front. Everybody thinks about suicide. Everyone has that moment when we're standing on top of a building and think, what if I jump? Do yourself a favor and keep it a fantasy. If you need to talk to someone about your thoughts, look into counseling. Do whatever it takes to keep these thoughts out of your head. Sure, you're miserable. We all are. That's why we're here. Don't be a coward, don't take the coward's way out. I'd be lying if I said those thoughts didn't occur to me, if I said I haven't planned my exit. But I'm not going to act on those thoughts. There's a life out there waiting for me. I choose to live it.
Author McGrupp Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) i want to go up and see her so bad. i dont know what i would say but i feel like i need to talk to her face to face. i dont know. i mentioned this to my friend the other night. he said it was such a bad move that right then and there he would call his ex from 3 years ago. he did. she didnt pick up. he said, "you see that? i did that for you! so you wont have to" is nice to have friends he said it was...CREEPY...the whole idea Edited December 6, 2009 by McGrupp
DenverBachelor Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 i mentioned this to my friend the other night. he said it was such a bad move that right then and there he would call his ex from 3 years ago. he did. she didnt pick up. I like this idea. Tell you what, every time you feel the need to call her, just let me know and I'll ride the elevator up and slap my ex in the face. This could be therapeutic for us both.
Boundary Problem Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 i want to go up and see her so bad. i dont know what i would say but i feel like i need to talk to her face to face. i dont know. i mentioned this to my friend the other night. he said it was such a bad move that right then and there he would call his ex from 3 years ago. he did. she didnt pick up. he said, "you see that? i did that for you! so you wont have to" is nice to have friends he said it was...CREEPY...the whole idea So your friend said it was creepy. What does that tell you? You are stuck with the emotions from within, but the people around you don't see the emotions. They just see the behaviours.
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You are stuck with the emotions from within, but the people around you don't see the emotions. They just see the behaviours. Very good post BP
Author McGrupp Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 i think im going to do it today
Boundary Problem Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 i think im going to do it today Do what today?
Author McGrupp Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) not sure. feel horrible. in the house by myself, thinking of ways to do it where i wont retard myself or have someone save me. Edited December 6, 2009 by McGrupp
soheartbroken Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I'm sorry you're hurting so much McGrupp. It's going to get worse before it starts to get better. You're working really hard on the NC and it will pay off.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 STOP! Is there a crisis line you can phone? Or a friend to talk to? When are you seeing your therapist? Tell him you are having these thoughts, please? Your life is precious, hang onto the hope it will get better, you are young, you have so much time to improve things and turn things around. You said some really positive stuff in your posts the past week, so you have got some strength inside of you. DO NOT GIVE UP! not sure. feel horrible. in the house by myself, thinking of ways to do it where i wont retard myself or have someone save me.
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