Dazed

[wrongagain]

This is my first time posting here. Where to begin? I have been with my bf for 3 years. We have a child together and have been living together for 2.5 years. He has no interest in getting married, he is 38 and I am 37. I really don't want to live with someone forever. I want to get married and this has become an issue for me. His family doesn't treat me like I am part of his family and his sister just hates me. She has made snide, evil comments to my 10 year old daughter even. (ex.: she asked my daughter if my bf was buying her christmas gifts, my daughter said yes and his sister decides to tell my daughter that is not my bf's job but mine and her dads.) His sister is 33 and still lives with his parents. When I do go over there, she always makes a point of being overly affectionate with my bf, patting him on the butt, saying things like "you are so great, I want a bf just like you". It's just kind of creepy.

 

We started couples counseling about a month ago. On Thanksgiving, my bf had to work 6-2. He got home at 2:45, went upstairs, laid down, took a shower and then came downstairs to eat at 4. We ate dinner, my bf got up, left the table, went upstairs then came back down after about 15 minutes with clothes in hand. He proceeded to tell me "I am taking my boy, going to my parents and having family photos taken"! EXCUSE ME! What am I? I just spent the last 2 days cooking for Thanksgiving, he spends less than an hour with me and leaves to go to his parents. I just felt so betrayed. He is so enmeshed with his family I am not sure he knows what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Should I just throw in the towel? I can't seem to win and don't feel like I am appreciated or loved. I really don't feel like he has room for me in his life. Thanks for any advice.

 

T

[norajane]

I don't understand why you want to marry a guy who treats you like that and who makes you feel unloved and like he has no room for you in his life.

 

I'd walk away from this guy. He's not worth it, and it would be a terrible shame if your children grow up thinking THIS is what relationships are like.

[billy356]

I dont think you gave enough information for us to make an informed comment on whether you should break up or not.

 

The first thing to clear up is the child. Who is the actual birth father. If he is not the bf is the dad still in the picture? How much in the picture is he?

 

What has been brought up in couple's counseling? Do you feel like it has had any effect positive or negative? is there still intimacy?

 

Based on just what you wrote I would say while it is ultimately up to you it sounds like it is something that could be worked out if both parties were interested. Perhaps with more info I can give a better opinion.

 

wishing you the best....

[wrongagain]

We have a 20 month old child together. It was my idea to go to counseling. Then he decides to do what he did on Thanksgiving. We never do anything together anymore and are not intimate. He is very emotionally unavailable. I want to have a healthy relationship. He does very little around the house and I feel more like a maid and childcare worker than a partner.

 

Does this clarify things?

 

And yes Norajane you are right, the children do deserve to see what a healthy relationship is.

[billy356]

Yes, that is a little clearer.

 

Remove the children from the conversation and the choice is easy. The relationship is dissolving into apathy and from that only pain grows. It is time to walk away and find someone better for you.

 

But when you add children into the mix it becomes a very difficult and individual decision. Especially now that there would be 2 ex's who are also fathers. I am not sure how your relationship is with the father of teh 10yr old but it seems rather obvious that the current bf and his family may be very difficult when it comes to visitation rights and possibly even custody. While it would be a long long long shot that you would lose custody of the 20 month old, it sounds on the surface like they may be the type of group to fight just for the sake of fighting.

 

I agree that this doesnt seem like a healthy environment for the children but because of them your extrication has to be delicate and very well planned out. Having been through this myself as a child I can tell you that it has a lasting effect on you.

 

You need to make the end of relationship as gentle as possible for them. I dont know how your daughter views the current bf and that will play into it. She is old enough to understand almost everything that is going on so it may be important to treat her that way as well.

 

Consult a close family member or friend to help plan out how you will leave. Follow all the usual steps in terms of finding a new place to stay for a while that he does not know about, arrange for a friend to stay with you for a few weeks if possible, inform the school that this is coming when it gets closer, look into a temporary restraining order if necessary and most importantly consult a different counselor to help you through this emotionally. When all the pieces are in place make a swift exit with a very brief explanation. Then when you are in your new place you can deal with his visitation, his anger, his aggressiveness on your own agenda and with support nearby.

 

Keep your kids busy and occupied more than ever before during the first few weeks and arrange for a counselor for your daughter as well. If she exhibits nightmares, or more aggressive behavior bring her to the counselor. She is at the age where this could have a very profound impact on her depending on how you go about things and her attachment to the bf.

 

If you do decide to leave this boy it will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but rest assured it is something that you can do. Just look at your children and be able to tell yourself that you are doing it for them. Because in the end that is what you are really doing, giving your kids a chance to continue growing up in a loving, compassionate household. Doesnt sound like this guy fits into that description at all.

 

I am sorry you have to be going through this....