EricaH329 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I suppose I knew it would get to this point, but I didn't realize it would happen so quickly. The other night, I recieved about 20 IM's from my ex, he was drunk. I wasn't home when he sent them, but I saw them the next day when I signed online. They were all about how much he misses me, the things he misses about me, how much he loves me, apologizing for not showing how much he cares etc. I spoke with him yesterday, but we didn't bring up the IM's. He did, however, tell me that in March he wants me to move out there (when he classes up) and get married like we were supposed to. I told him that a lot can change within 4 months, and that if we were to ever try to be together again that there are a lot of things that would need to change. He said he is going to call me on Sunday (I haven't talked to him on the phone in about 3 months) so that we can talk about everything. This is where I stand on the whole thing. I am not getting my hopes up, I can barely take his word for anything anymore. As much as I love him and he loves me, I realize that isn't enough to maintain a relationship, and to be quite honest... i'm not sure if he has what it takes to be in a relationship with me. I'm going to explain all of that to him on Sunday when we talk. For some reason, I feel very indifferent towards the situation. Maybe it's because at this point in the healing stage i'm not feeling down, or maybe it's because i've somehow learned to separate my feelings for him from logic. Who knows. I figured I would keep everyone updated, since most of you have followed this crazy relationship I have with my ex.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Have you thought about NC as a result? As a result of what just happened? Or if things don't work out?
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 As a result of what just happened? Or if things don't work out? As a result of this. You have said in the past that your motivation for keeping in contact was not rooted in any desire to get back together; rather, it was that you felt he had no one else, he was alone and going through a lot and you wanted to be there for him, yes? Reading between the lines of what you have written in the past, it seems you were hoping that he would just ease into moving on. It seems he is not and hoping to be with you again as he ever was.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 As a result of this. You have said in the past that your motivation for keeping in contact was not rooted in any desire to get back together; rather, it was that you felt he had no one else, he was alone and going through a lot and you wanted to be there for him, yes? Reading between the lines of what you have written in the past, it seems you were hoping that he would just ease into moving on. It seems he is not and hoping to be with you again as he ever was. Yes, you are correct. I am there for him because no one else is. I do hope that he moves on, but I know that won't happen. I know it won't happen with, or without me in his life. He refuses to let go. A part of me feels as though he is reaching out to me now more than ever because he feels most lost right now. All this talk of getting back together, doesn't really seem genuine to me. It feels as though it's a desperate attempt at making sure that I stay in his life. I feel like I should explain to him that he shouldn't worry about that. I cannot go NC right now. It's very obvious that he is struggling pretty bad right now, and if I were to just walk away because he is telling me he loves me and wants to be with me... that would just be wrong. I suppose we will see how things go. I do love him and I do wish that one day we could be together again, but definitely not in the circumstances we are presented with now.
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 You are 'sort of' dating someone still, yes?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I have to admit I did wonder if deep down you did want to see if you could reconcile. You sound where I'm at, I don't know if we could reconcile after all that's happened but I would like to at least talk about it when/if it feels right, which it doesn't at the moment. Good luck!
northstar1 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 This cycle has to end at some point. It's not healthy for either of you. Yes, you are correct. I am there for him because no one else is. I do hope that he moves on, but I know that won't happen. I know it won't happen with, or without me in his life. He refuses to let go. A part of me feels as though he is reaching out to me now more than ever because he feels most lost right now. All this talk of getting back together, doesn't really seem genuine to me. It feels as though it's a desperate attempt at making sure that I stay in his life. I feel like I should explain to him that he shouldn't worry about that. I cannot go NC right now. It's very obvious that he is struggling pretty bad right now, and if I were to just walk away because he is telling me he loves me and wants to be with me... that would just be wrong. I suppose we will see how things go. I do love him and I do wish that one day we could be together again, but definitely not in the circumstances we are presented with now.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 You are 'sort of' dating someone still, yes? Sort of. I wouldn't really consider it that. We are friends that happen to like eachother. I am beginning to realize though that i'm not able to fully give myself to anyone right now. BTW - In case you are wondering, my ex does know about this guy that i've been hanging out with. I have to admit I did wonder if deep down you did want to see if you could reconcile. You sound where I'm at, I don't know if we could reconcile after all that's happened but I would like to at least talk about it when/if it feels right, which it doesn't at the moment. Good luck! You know, I never really considered it until he brought it up. I had a really long talk with my mom about this, and she brought up a lot of good points. One being that my ex is not the man he used to be. I am remembering all of the wonderful times him and I had together, but not realizing that he isn't that person anymore. He misses me because I am the same person. I miss him because I have not fully come to the realization that he has changed. I feel like all of this is happening at a much quicker pace then I am ready to handle. This cycle has to end at some point. It's not healthy for either of you. You are 100% right. I just don't know what to do at this point.
2sunny Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 since he corresponded when drunk - you have to figure you were dealing with the "drunk" him. this is different than dealing with the sober him. so, be aware when Sunday comes that you need to correspond with the sober him - in order to get a true idea of what his thoughts/ideas are. otherwise - you are just talking to the alcohol - which is just meaningless.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 since he corresponded when drunk - you have to figure you were dealing with the "drunk" him. this is different than dealing with the sober him. so, be aware when Sunday comes that you need to correspond with the sober him - in order to get a true idea of what his thoughts/ideas are. otherwise - you are just talking to the alcohol - which is just meaningless. I didn't actually talk to him when he was drunk. He just sent me those IMs. When I did get the chance to talk to him, he was sober. I do know what you mean though. I feel like when it comes to the idea of him and I being together again, it's a vicious circle. While the idea of it might be wonderful, the actual act of it is not. I guess I will hear what he has to say tomorrow and go from there.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 So yeah, that phone call that he was supposed to make today didn't happen. I had a feeling it might not, but when I talked to him last night he was really excited to be able to talk to me on the phone today. Dumb. I am just dumb. Thinking back on it, I remember why things fell apart the way that they did. He never followed through with anything he said, ever! I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe just maybe he learned something these 3 1/2 months apart, but was I ever wrong in doing so. So basically, i'm giving him what he wants (me in his life) and he is giving back nothing. Not that I expect anything from him, except for him to keep his word every now and then... but even that is too much to ask. How could I have ever fallen in love with someone like that? And i'm not just talking about this one incident, i'm talking about them all. Hindsight is 20/20, and i'm an idiot.
Kantor Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hindsight is 20/20, and i'm an idiot. No you're not, your human. We all wish our fantasies worked out. Whether it be who were with, or what we wish the relationship was. Learn from everything, and grow.
2sunny Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 the reason why 20 IM msgs is because the drunk him brings the chaos into play. the reason why no conversation about what he said in the IM's is because he either wants to pretend like he never said those things - or he really doesn't remember it. this is part of what the drunk him looks like. do you really want to spend every day for the rest of your life trying to always figure out if it's the drunk or sober him? it gets tiresome...
Author EricaH329 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 No you're not, your human. We all wish our fantasies worked out. Whether it be who were with, or what we wish the relationship was. Learn from everything, and grow. Oh, I definitely learned from this. No more giving him the benefit of the doubt. That was my problem to begin with. I always took his word to heart, thinking that he would actually follow through with something in his life. Never learning from his actions that it'll never happen. Ugh, i'm angry right now. More angry at myself for falling for it again. the reason why 20 IM msgs is because the drunk him brings the chaos into play. the reason why no conversation about what he said in the IM's is because he either wants to pretend like he never said those things - or he really doesn't remember it. this is part of what the drunk him looks like. do you really want to spend every day for the rest of your life trying to always figure out if it's the drunk or sober him? it gets tiresome... The things he says to me when he's drunk are the same things he says to me when sober... only more all over the place. Not put together very well. The only difference between the drunk him, and the sober him... is that the drunk him is more depressed. Although, at this point it doesn't matter whether he's drunk or sober... none of his words mean anything to me. I will be there for him because it makes me feel good to help someone out, but I will no longer take his 'I miss you's' and 'I love you's' to heart. Those are simply words with absolutely no actions to back them up.
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