Peaceful Guy Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 sorry ahead of time if this comes off as too dramatic.. basically, i frequently find myself in social situations where i get the vibe that im not wanted.. whether its because people think im lame, i set off their insecurities.. whatever. i for the most part think people are pretty cool. typically, i am very open and talkative, mostly unafraid of new people.. i dont want to talk too much here, write myself into a box.. i really want to hear what you guys think about this.. also, i should add that im never totally sure how much is just my perception.. what if i think people want me to go away, but they really want me to be there? just trying to sort this out..
Author Peaceful Guy Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 i wanted to add.. i know that the key here is to take joy in being myself, not people's reaction to that.. im just wondering.. when to walk away?
Bluecat Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) It depends on the kind of social situation. If I go to a party or a social mixer, I don't care what people think of me. I just act as myself and shoot the breeze with people. Usually, I've gone to events where I know some people already, while others are strangers. Knowing some people already makes it a little easier to break the ice. If I go to an event where I totally don't know anyone, I would just introduce myself to people. Or eventually someone would just come up to me and start a conversation. I assume that everybody at the event wants to have a good time and wants a positive experience. So I don't think much about whether other people have a negative impression of me. If you're polite, friendly, and courteous, and other people are annoyed, then it's their problem. I "walk away" when I'm tired and want to go home, ha ha. At parties, I just go and have fun, without any expectations. Most of the time, the new people I meet will probably never see me again anyway, so that's why I don't get self-conscious. But then, there's always a chance I might meet people who are cool and accept me for who I am, and that's the best. Edited December 5, 2009 by Bluecat
dazzle22 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Well, you sound like an intelligent guy, so if you are sensing this, it likely is true. Give yourself kudos:bunny: for noticing it, because many people are unaware of how they come across and never modify self defeating behaviors. You sound hesitant to say more. I would hope people would not jump down your throat when you are sticking your neck out and asking for advice on how to improve your social skills.
Author Peaceful Guy Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Well, you sound like an intelligent guy, so if you are sensing this, it likely is true. thanks! but, im also very sensitive.. ..never modify self defeating behaviors. can you elaborate? do you think that spending time with people that don't "appreciate" me is self defeating?
Author Peaceful Guy Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 It depends on the kind of social situation.. well said bluecat. the situation you described is one that ive felt that way in, and i think you laid out a healthy approach. in thinking about it though, ive also felt the way i described around smaller groups, with people that i should feel comfortable around.. so that tells me something. what about a mix of the two, where your at a larger social gathering but you would hope to become closer with some of the people there, but you feel snubbed or whatever?
dazzle22 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 If you are a sensitive person you need to try not to become attached to people who are insensitive. I know that sounds ridiculously simple, but it is one of life's truisms that takes a long time to learn! Often we are drawn to certain people that a friend of mine calls "bright shiny people". He and I have found ourselves around this mountain many times, being burned by such people. Why? Because these people are usually funny, witty, and exciting. But they often have a real dark insensitive side. They tend to be narcissistic, and there is good reason why they tend to "collect people" like us. We LISTEN, we are KIND, something they usually are not, so that evens things out nicely for them. This may not totally be your situation though. Don't know enough about the situations. Here is another truism about people and it is not really pleasant. People tend to smell social fear and insecurity and it turns them off and they can be mean. Kind of like dogs sensing fear and biting. People like to be around people who act like they are self confident, HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER, and kind of act like, I know I am a great person, and I don't have to prove it to you. You can take me or leave me, I don't really care. Kind of gives them an air of "mystery." Those kind of people usually draw people like flowers do bees! Need to know more about the situations you find yourself in...
Author Peaceful Guy Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 If you are a sensitive person you need to try not to become attached to people who are insensitive. I know that sounds ridiculously simple, but it is one of life's truisms that takes a long time to learn! thank you!
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 ... whether its because people think im lame, i set off their insecurities... I'd wager that these are your own insecurities and not that your presence inspires insecurities in others. If you are conflicted about whether or not you should be there, or wondering if people find you lame, chances are that you are giving off this vibe. People gravitate toward people that seem to be having a good time- they will steer clear of people that look uneasy. I think you need to adapt a different attitude if you want to fit in. It's natural to feel a bit uneasy, the trick is to mask it.
Author Peaceful Guy Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 well, d-lish, i disagree with you. thats okay.. i thought it through, and i decided to say why. please, if this is no fun.. just say so and ill delete this post.. k? I'd wager that these are your own insecurities and not that your presence inspires insecurities in others. probably both.. give me the benefit of the doubt here. you might not believe it, but im a very cool adventurous person, who goes to cool places and is very attractive.. at least to some people. If you are conflicted about whether or not you should be there, or wondering if people find you lame, chances are that you are giving off this vibe. probably.. People gravitate toward people that seem to be having a good time- they will steer clear of people that look uneasy. and maybe that's their loss.. I think you need to adapt a different attitude if you want to fit in. It's natural to feel a bit uneasy, the trick is to mask it. i dont think you should mask it. i think its natural, and okay. being yourself is very important.. and part of that is not having illusions to control/manipulate other peoples perceptions of you.
Author Peaceful Guy Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 so, thought i should follow up on this thread.. let everyone know what i decided. i think that bluecat summed it up best.. ill try an paraphrase a little, but really, he nailed it! when you go to a gathering the idea is to have fun. if you're kind and courteous to the people there, you really have nothing to worry about. now, some people WILL have a problem, especially if your out being super social.. as in at a dance club, or any place youde find adults all gussied up.. but that's there own issue. and you can choose how much weight you give to it. it sucks to see adults act like children in the sense that they're using thought patterns that remind you of when you were in high school, preschool, elementary school.. you get my point.. but something to remember is that the reason you even know that they're thinking like that is that at one time you were there too.. maybe you were always cool.. i wasn't.. i remember being jealous, territorial, possessive.. all that.. all i can say is that people really do change, and the less weight you put on other people's bad attitudes now, the easier it will be for them to forgive themselves in the future.. ie. more happy friendly people at the next party! so, i decided to keep going out.. try to worry a little less about what other people think of me.. and take joy in the genuine people i do meet in my travels.. hope this helps! p.s. if youre out there tommorow night, im the guy smiling and dancing.. purple tie-dye, blue glowsticks!!! p.p.s. also, to all you sensitive people out there.. check out what dazzle had to say! cant buy that kind of genius/wisdom/good old fashion learning!
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