Lonesome1 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I am in a relatively unhealthy relationship. I do want to leave but at the same time I don't. I can't imagine what I would do if I were without him. Last nite we had a conversation in which he told me that he didn't feel we had the same world view (which I argued because I don't belive that is true or that it is the issue) and that we were not compatible. So right there you assume that he wants to leave me, right? but then he says that it is me that has to make a choice! He asked me what my most extreme thoughts were over the past three days(as this has been ongoing) and i told him Us not being together and he said an then what and I told him I didn't get that far. Then I asked him what his most extreme thoughts were and he said one of them was "this girl is gonna leave me cuz I won't F**K her" This sentance shocked my system for a few reasons: 1. I found the language crude and that he thinks of our intimate relationship as nothing more than f**king. 2. I do not only care about the sex it is the intimacy that we no longer share, the hugs and kisses and cuddles are not there either. 3. He has issues about our compatiability an our values not matching but the most extreme thought was me leaving him due to the lack of Sex. I feel he wasn't being honest here and was trying to shift the blame of who is actually breaking it off to me. I think he has thought about leaving and doesn't want to be the one to do it. He tells me that he is the only one in the relationship that can have a grown up conversation about this, yet he is not taking part in the desicion. He is leaving it up to me whether to leave or not. Which is unfair because does that mean that I am the only one unhappy and that if I am unhappy I should be the one to move out and leave everything. Is that so he can clear himself of guilt over things he may have missed and therefore had a part in the demise of our relationship. He also said that if I leave he is secure! when I asked what he meant he said that he knows he did everything possible and right and that he couldn't have fixed it. He also told me that he sees this unhappiness repeating itself in my future, which I am not sure if he is right and I am unhappy and will feel this way with everyone or if it is manipulation to make me think that I am unhappy and that it is not his fault so I may as well stay. I really dont know what I am asking here I was kind of hoping just to have some ppl to bounce that off of and see what they think. I don't know if this is an opportunity that I should take advantage of and cut my losses or if his unwillingness to take part in the desicion is a sign that he wants to make this work and that I should continue trying. I am soo confused and I look forward to your insight
Author Lonesome1 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Just to add some backround info: We have been together for 3.5 years and he has been withholding sex for about 2 years. I am 22 he is 25 and he is emotionally abusive, and passive-agressive. We live together and are dependent on one another as we both have no family in this city. this makes seperating even harder.
silic0ntoad Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I am confused. Why has he been witholding sex? Seems there is more to it on this subject. You had the conversation, did you actually dump him? Honestly, I'd split. If he is emotionally abusive it can't get much better. Add in the fact that you don't get what you need (Emotional and physical closeness, lack of sex, lack of intimacy) and this is a recipe for disaster.
Author Lonesome1 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I am confused. Why has he been witholding sex? Seems there is more to it on this subject. You had the conversation, did you actually dump him? Honestly, I'd split. If he is emotionally abusive it can't get much better. Add in the fact that you don't get what you need (Emotional and physical closeness, lack of sex, lack of intimacy) and this is a recipe for disaster. He stopped having sex for religious reason's and wanted to practice abstinence until we married. I agreed because I love him but it has been back and forth ever since he made the decision to stop. every so often about once a month he will "slip up" and we will have sex. Then out of nowhere a couple of months ago he told me that he wanted to have his sex life back and that he feels we are already married according to God. He tells me that he wants me to initiate the way I used to and then when I tried for the past two months I was getting minimal response. Then last nite he condemed me for it saying "You know I don't want to have sex anymore yet you keep coming on to me, grabbing my ass like an animal and sending me ranchy msg"(I felt dirty when he said this) Which confused me and I explained to him why and he said I should know that when he said he wanted a sex life back that It was a moment of weakness and that he shouldn't have to spell it out for me. No we didn't break up, It seemed like he wanted to break up with me and then he told me it was my choice and went to bed.
silic0ntoad Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Hm. He sounds like his head and his heart are going in too many directions. Well, the option is on your plate. Leave him, or stay. But I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him what your emotional and physical needs are in the relationship. If he says he cannot fulfil them then you need to move on. Secondly, you can't ALWAYS use god as an excuse. Sure, people are entilted to beliefs, but we are human, sex is innately a human desire... I'll never understand abstinance til marriage. It's so self limiting and self incriminating. It sounds like something else is at play here.
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yes you need to leave. I know it is hard because you are in a strange place but it is for your own good in the end. This fits into a post I made recently about why these things happen in this age range, i will paste it below for you to read, I think it applies in this situation. I have a theory that I have been spouting for years concerning the fact that there are two types of puberty. First there is the one that everyone knows about, our physical puberty. Then, later in life, usually around your mid twenties you go through a second puberty, your emotional puberty. You change the way you see life, how you value people, more importantly how you view love. In a sense it is a loss of innocence, a dying of our emotional youth. We have left the protective embrace of HS and college, we are out on our own, dealing with issues and challenges without help. We are discovering ourselves as a person, who we are, what we want, how we will love. During this time we tend to re-evaluate everything in our lives. If we are in a serious relationship when this happens often times we will look at it and wonder if this should really be our LAST relationship. Marriage all of a sudden takes a different icon in our mind. it is not just a picture of a white dress and a big party and gifts and alcohol. All of a sudden we realize the actual committment involved, the promises that will be made. A lot of people will decide, "whoa...I'm only 24, I have so many options, I want more" and they may choose to leave not necessarily because they dont want to be with YOU specifically anymore, they just want to live and experience more. They want to emotionally grow and learn. They want to actually TASTE life not just look at it on the menu and wonder if they will like it. Personally I think this is why 20-26 year olds in committed relationships are treading in dangerous territory. You just dont know what person will come out on the other side of this process and it is a process that cannot be avoided. It can be delayed or hurried up but we all go through it. Some of us more than once! Sure you both could go through it together and in unison and bingo! Youre golden! But more often than not you dont and it doesnt have a happy ending. Nobody did anything wrong, somebody changed. They didnt change because of you or in spite of you, they changed because they had to. Part of life. You two may come back together after all of these changes are complete and you both figure out what you want in life. You too may fall in love again and learn to value the changes that have been made in each person. You may look back at this all and be like "Wow, we were both crazy...." But you also may simply move on. Find someone new, love again and be happy again. He is going through these changes which is why the sex issue keeps getting confusing. It also sounds like he might not want the commitment but also doenst want to own the responsibility for the breakup. Time to realize that this relationship is over, go through the recovery process and find someone who better fits to your goals and desires. wishing you the best..
Author Lonesome1 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Hm. He sounds like his head and his heart are going in too many directions. Well, the option is on your plate. Leave him, or stay. But I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him what your emotional and physical needs are in the relationship. If he says he cannot fulfil them then you need to move on. Secondly, you can't ALWAYS use god as an excuse. Sure, people are entilted to beliefs, but we are human, sex is innately a human desire... I'll never understand abstinance til marriage. It's so self limiting and self incriminating. It sounds like something else is at play here. Well it really sux to think that he just doesn't want to have sex anymore, I honestly do believe him. However there is also a porn issue, and it is excessive use. This could be part of the reason for the lack of desire. Sometimes I just wish he could make it easy for me and do something downright wrong. Something I would feel is unacceptable an that I have no choice but to leave him. It's as if I don't want to be the one to blame.
Author Lonesome1 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Yes you need to leave. I know it is hard because you are in a strange place but it is for your own good in the end. This fits into a post I made recently about why these things happen in this age range, i will paste it below for you to read, I think it applies in this situation. wishing you the best.. So insightfull, thank you, I think we are both at very different stages of our "emotional puberty" and that is why we are having a tough time seeing eye to eye. Thanks so much!
Recommended Posts