McGrupp Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 seems to me like a good way to get my confidence back and get over the ex is to get a new gf. or am i just masking some underlying uncertainty
HeavenOrHell Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 STOP! Sorry but no way are you (or I) ready for another relationship. Having a new partner is not the way to heal and move on, we shouldn't look to others to get our confidence back, of course being told we are attractive is a boost, but we need to be fully over our exes before we start seeing someone else. Unless you're into flings with no meaning, that's up to you if you're happy with that, they would have to want nothing more than that too, for me it would just feel empty. Any sort of relationship would feel empty to me at the moment, and more lonely as it isn't my ex. I don't have room in my heart to fall in love with anyone else. I won't for a long time. I don't want to put any of what I feel at the moment onto another bf. If I went out with someone now it would feel so wrong, I am not ready for it. Of course I miss affection and intimacy but I don't want it with anyone else right now. If you went out with someone new now wouldn't you be likely to have the same problems you had with your ex if you haven't worked on those problems? I know I would still have some problems with a new partner, some things I have worked on, but I need more time on my own. seems to me like a good way to get my confidence back and get over the ex is to get a new gf. or am i just masking some underlying uncertainty
Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 seems to me like a good way to get my confidence back and get over the ex is to get a new gf. or am i just masking some underlying uncertainty I think the healthier thing would be to get your confidence back before you get a new girlfriend. You have to be OK with yourself before you can involve other people in your life. You might be putting a bit too much pressure on the poor woman who you think will be your savior. Work on yourself then you can have healthy relationships.
Author McGrupp Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 ok. this work on yourself thing. i dont understand what that means. i mean go to the gym, get hobbies, feel good about myself. ok. but ill still feel ****ty because ill be alone i think
DenverBachelor Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 STOP! Sorry but no way are you (or I) ready for another relationship. Relationship, no -- Dating, yes. I think it would be good to allow yourself to go on some dates with the understanding that you're not going to rush into a relationship. I am going to go on a date tonight (I just have to find a girl before 6pm first) and just relax. I think it would help to at least get out there and get to know others. You may find out that your ex wasn't the plate of bacon you thought she was.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 seems to me like a good way to get my confidence back and get over the ex is to get a new gf. or am i just masking some underlying uncertainty Just place yourself in new environments. Meet new people. Talk about new things. Learn about new things. Get interested in life, get interested in other people..... Dating will happen naturally when you are ready. Drop that focus on the ex!
Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 ok. this work on yourself thing. i dont understand what that means. i mean go to the gym, get hobbies, feel good about myself. ok. but ill still feel ****ty because ill be alone i think You said you had no confidence, so work on becoming a confident individual before starting a new relationship. I think you're putting way too much expectation into what a relationship should be therefore you will not be in a healthy relationship. You want a woman to fix you, that’s what therapy is for. I haven't met a stable women yet who would willingly want to be responsible for building her boyfriend's backbone for him. There are a million ways that you could get rid of the feeling of loneliness while building your confidence at the same time. Think about what attracts you to certain people, I bet it’s not their lack of confidence. Once you no longer feel ****ty about being alone is when you'll be ready for a new relationship.
Template Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well it all depends on what you want to do. If all you want to do is date, sleep around, and just have fun, I say go for it. As long as you know, and your date knows, that's just what it is, is to have fun. However, unless you really can let go of your past, it will always hinder you going forward. Remember the story of the guy who always looks in the rear view mirror while driving, he'll end up hitting something in front of him.
kizik Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 seems to me like a good way to get my confidence back and get over the ex is to get a new gf. If you can do it, do it. Apparently my ex is the only one who wanted me, and then, well... she didn't.
soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Dude. You know this is not the way to go. But, you'll do whatever you want ultimately. But I think (and who am I, an expert? No.) that jumping into another relationship, while it might make you feel better at the time, will stop any and all growth process. Working on you? Therapy, books, self-reflection (hard to do without guidance though), LS - sometimes you pick up bits of wisdom here and there. Bottom line: new relationship will stunt your growth right now. But it's all up to you. Who am I to judge?
Author McGrupp Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 i mean how does this work? do you just wake up one day and are contempt and dont think about her anymore? i cant see myself doing that. i messed up and i think about those mistakes more then anything.
XKatieX Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Eventually you will forgive yourself for those mistakes, and you will learn from them. The best thing you can do is try and change, and now is the time to become a better person. Believe me, I'm going through the same thing I made so many mistakes that I wish I could take back but in the end it was too late. Its been a month, and I know hes not coming back..so all I can do is get my life back on track. I decided im getting a new job, I feel as though it will help me occupy my mind and help me meet new people, I've also been hanging out with friends and just starting a new life in general. Of course hes still on my mind but the anxiety and worry is gone, I know he made his choice. I'm not ready for a new relationship, and it sounds as though you aren't either. So don't put pressure on yourself if you know your ex is still on your mind and you still haven't forgiven yourself for your mistakes. BTW, do you have a job? do you have a lot of friends to hang out with?
Author McGrupp Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 i have a lot of friends but a very lonely job (work all day by myself 10-9) so ive been disering to get something else, but havent out of laziness i guess.
kizik Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 do you just wake up one day and are contempt and dont think about her anymore? Content might be the word you're looking for.
madrugada Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 McGrupp, confidence is not something you get from someone else. It has to come from within. You'll hear that over and over, and there's a reason. Go out with other people. Have fun. Live your life. But do it because you are living your life, not because you need other people to validate you. Don't think other people will ever be able to provide you with self-confidence. I've made this mistake myself, judging myself by the people I'm with, by the way I want others to see me. It's not healthy. I'll tell you this, and I'll be saying it to myself as well because it's what I need to hear more than anything. Bootstraps. Pull yourself up.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 No, we don't just wake up one day and not think about them anymore, I will never forget my ex or what he meant to me, I think about all my exes sometimes but it doesn't hurt to think about them now. I think what holds you back is your regrets, you can't move forward as you are swamped and held back by these regrets. I think it would have been good if you could have written her a letter originally, or after a while, in which you owned up to your mistakes and apologised for them, in a letter with no anger or begging or name calling and then left it at that, she may or may not have contacted you after that. How can you move forward when you keep beating yourself up for past mistakes? i mean how does this work? do you just wake up one day and are contempt and dont think about her anymore? i cant see myself doing that. i messed up and i think about those mistakes more then anything.
Author McGrupp Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 in a letter with no anger or begging or name calling and then left it at that, she may or may not have contacted you after that. How can you move forward when you keep beating yourself up for past mistakes? i did that. then called her a bitch and then called and begged again. so...well its to far gone.
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 seems to me like a good way to get my confidence back and get over the ex is to get a new gf. or am i just masking some underlying uncertainty You tried a new relationship with the rich bored girl for atleast few days, and still was not happy... You were on anti depressants for a whole 4 days and that didnt work... You worked out for a what entire month and still your not over her... Now your thinking that another new relationship may get you there... I would try that but if your not a happy, successful, and confident within 96 hours then it did not work... unless the chick just was not hot enough. If the chick was not hot enough, how could you for that for not working. .
Author McGrupp Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) bored rich girl left me (i guess) for her ex. we still hang though i guess. just friends now. i didnt really mind at all. so what should i do gray? your like the only one i talk to about this **** anymore EDIT**** i feel like i just dont want to be myself anymore. like im scared to be who i was and always was because she rejected that. when i start doing things i like i immediatly stop them because i think these things are the reason why im miserable, why she left kinda. so im trying to do something different and change so bad, but its like why should i change? ya know. im awesome. im just pissed at the person i turned into when she got distant. the conversations and actions fly through my head. im not sure who i should be now but i feel like society is judging me , im judging me, because of who i am now. or something like that Edited December 5, 2009 by McGrupp
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) I say this with nothing but love in my heart. Your in pain but want a quick and easy way through it. You do not want to have to work hard at it. If you do not want to be yourself then become the person you want to be. I have said it before you are intelligent and lucky. those are great qualities but they have a down side. When you are intelligent and luck sh#t come easy to you, not everything you want but most of what you want with out trying really hard for it. While that can make you comfortable it does not neccassay make you proud of your accomplishment becouse you didn't really work hard for them. You did not risk much to achieve them. Then this hot chick comes into your life and you start to think your somebody, You really dont have the job you want but you have this hot chick next to you so the job must be ok. You really do not like where your living but this hot chick is next to you so it must be ok. You really do not like the way you are behaving but it must be ok becouse this hot chick is next to you. Then the hot chick leaves and you realise that all these things are not ok. So what is the solution? Work hard and slowly make the changes in your life to make on you want, ones you can be proud about that will give you confidence about yourself and your ability to take care of yourself? HELL NO focus instead on how to get the hot chick back, Why because that is much easier and faster then doing the hard slow work of make a life you want Or instead focus on how much you hate yourself for losing the hot chick. and so much easier then facing the fact your really not happy with your life right now. Fact is you have not been for along time and this chick did you the biggest favor in the world... SHE LEFT YOU so you could see you were not happy and she was just distracting you from that fact. What should you do? All the things you know you should be doing: Therapy with a professional, not about the girl but the life you want and why you so afraid to go for it Get on some meds and stay with them. if you having problems talk to your professional about it to adjust or change the meds dont just stop that will really mess you up Get exercise every day, EVERY DAY Eat well, teach yourself cooking STOP DRINKING (and any other self medicating drug...pot)for at least 6 months, Write minimum of 3 pages a day and rewrite the previous days writing every day for 3 months when your working. Learn Chess Keep posting on LS but about your accomplishments Edited December 5, 2009 by GrayClouds
DenverBachelor Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 i did that. then called her a bitch and then called and begged again. so...well its to far gone. Next time just combine the two. "Bitch, come back, I love you!" Actually, when we got our female dog, I would run around the house playing with her (the dog, not the ex) and I would say, "come here you cute little bitch!" over and over until my ex was like, "will you stop calling her a bitch!" And I said, "well, she's a female dog! She's our little bitch!"
Boundary Problem Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 bored rich girl left me (i guess) for her ex. we still hang though i guess. just friends now. i didnt really mind at all. so what should i do gray? your like the only one i talk to about this **** anymore EDIT**** i feel like i just dont want to be myself anymore. like im scared to be who i was and always was because she rejected that. when i start doing things i like i immediatly stop them because i think these things are the reason why im miserable, why she left kinda. so im trying to do something different and change so bad, but its like why should i change? ya know. im awesome. im just pissed at the person i turned into when she got distant. the conversations and actions fly through my head. im not sure who i should be now but i feel like society is judging me , im judging me, because of who i am now. or something like that Forget about society judging you. Most of them aren't worth your time. Decide what you want, figure out how to get what you need, and then go for it. If you get your future planned out, then the present will take care of itself. Baby steps. You've already made HUGE progress.
Boundary Problem Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 What should you do? All the things you know you should be doing: Therapy with a professional, not about the girl but the life you want and why you so afraid to go for it Get on some meds and stay with them. if you having problems talk to your professional about it to adjust or change the meds dont just stop that will really mess you up Get exercise every day, EVERY DAY Eat well, teach yourself cooking STOP DRINKING (and any other self medicating drug...pot)for at least 6 months, Write minimum of 3 pages a day and rewrite the previous days writing every day for 3 months when your working. Learn Chess Keep posting on LS but about your accomplishments This sounds like a good plan.
mickleb Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 GC is right. And you know it. Have you done your homework yet? x
Recommended Posts