NO CONTACT broken

[eeyore1981]

I agree with what Harmony is saying but I am more than a little sickened. Imagine, if he had chosen her, and she told him that in order to be with her he must give up his children with you, and have no contact with them whatsoever.

 

I personally feel he should get as far away from you as possible, but as he agreed to such a disgusting request, it seems the two of you deserve each other.

 

Shame on you for forcing such a decision upon him, and even more shame on him for not telling you to jump in the nearest lake.

 

Those poor children.....

 

Unbelievable.

 

This woman, Ultimatebetrayal, did not force her H to go impregnate another woman, she had nothing to do with the conception of this child, she had no contract, written or verbal, with this other woman regarding taking any responsibility for any children this woman should bear, etc. etc., so why should she feel compassion for this child? Why should she care anything about the, oh, wait for it, innocent victim of an affair??? The OW and the cheater certainly didn't care diddly squat about her or her children, the OW because it isn't her responsibility, remember?

Once again, dump all the responsibility on the spouse who was betrayed, because of course, they must have so much more compassion and considerations for others than the people who create these kind of messes.

[eeyore1981]

This is so very hard but I have decided to end my marriage. I have come to realise that I am a mother first and foremost and to deprive a child of their father is very wrong but as I know I cant live with him having contact with his child then I cant be in the marriage( not that it can be called a marriage anyway) I owe it to my own children for them to be happy and they were not as they have had to live with the constant arguements. I also owe it to myself to find happiness and love. I didnt chose for this situation but I can chose what happens from now. I have told my husband that he has to move in to his parents home until we can sell ours,he has agreed to this but is still adamant that just because we are splitting up it will never bring him back to his ex other woman and child, but there again he said all this and more for the past 21 months so somehow i do not believe him!!!! Thankyou to all you lovely people who have brought me to my senses as you dont know me and therefore gave me impartial advice

 

Dear Ultimatebetrayal,

 

I am so glad this is the road you have decided to take, and I do appreciate and understand how difficult this was for you, and how much pain you are in.

 

Had your H had an ounce of integrity, he could have asked you for a divorce, and then gone and impregnated someone else, and this could have been a non-issue for you.

 

Had the OW had an ounce of integrity, she could have not felt she had every right to sleep with and get impregnated by someone else's husband, and this could have been a non-issue for you.

 

But because some people in this world are incapable of treating others with any respect, as it is all about them and what they want, to hell with the consequences, you were unfortunately put in a terrible position. You have made the right choice, and by doing so and sacrificing what you want, a concept people like your husband and the OW will probably never understand, you have given an innocent child a small chance to have a decent life, though with the parents this child has, the odds are against him, anyway.

[Devil Inside]

This is so very hard but I have decided to end my marriage. I have come to realise that I am a mother first and foremost and to deprive a child of their father is very wrong but as I know I cant live with him having contact with his child then I cant be in the marriage( not that it can be called a marriage anyway) I owe it to my own children for them to be happy and they were not as they have had to live with the constant arguements. I also owe it to myself to find happiness and love. I didnt chose for this situation but I can chose what happens from now. I have told my husband that he has to move in to his parents home until we can sell ours,he has agreed to this but is still adamant that just because we are splitting up it will never bring him back to his ex other woman and child, but there again he said all this and more for the past 21 months so somehow i do not believe him!!!! Thankyou to all you lovely people who have brought me to my senses as you dont know me and therefore gave me impartial advice

 

 

You have made a very difficult decision here. Kudos. It sounds like it will be for the best. You really were in a horrible position. Hopefully you can reach the point where you realize that there is nothing wrong with not being able to accept what your H did. There is no reason you have to. When he cheated on you he took the chance that you would find out and that you would not take him back...looks like he lost that gamble.

 

I feel for you that he is still saying that he will not have contact with the OW and the their child. I do not know why he is still saying that. He must think that if he says that you will stay...but I do not believe it.

 

Reading some of your earlier posts I could see that you were in a very painful position and talking about moving the children far away from him. I think this would be a decision that you would come to regret. The truly innocent parties in this affair where the four children. They did not ask to be in this situation and they do not have any power in what happens from here. I know it is difficult but please ensure that your three children get to have a relationship with their father. Hopefully he will also be in the other child's life.

 

As you put this next phase of your life in motion you will go through a lot of emotions. Please keep us updated and return for support as needed.

[Devil Inside]

You're either a troll, or a crappy human being for denying an innocent child his/her father.

 

I think this is a little harsh. In my opinion the OP is using this ultimatum as a poor solution to a crisis. Just as her H had an A is a poor solution to the crisis of a dead marriage.

 

When we are in crisis we do some pretty messed up things. I do not think it necessarily makes us crappy people..it makes us human. I would hope that through these posts the OP would come to realize that she is putting her needs aboive the needs of an innocent child and either back off or divorce him if she can not accept what has happened. She has chosen the later..to her credit.

[Fallen Angel]

Unbelievable.

 

This woman, Ultimatebetrayal, did not force her H to go impregnate another woman, she had nothing to do with the conception of this child, she had no contract, written or verbal, with this other woman regarding taking any responsibility for any children this woman should bear, etc. etc., so why should she feel compassion for this child? Why should she care anything about the, oh, wait for it, innocent victim of an affair??? The OW and the cheater certainly didn't care diddly squat about her or her children, the OW because it isn't her responsibility, remember?

Once again, dump all the responsibility on the spouse who was betrayed, because of course, they must have so much more compassion and considerations for others than the people who create these kind of messes.

 

Of course you are right and I am so very wrong. Her amazing and wonderful suggestion that a child born into this world be denied it's father to spare her feelings is a glowing testimony to her humanity being far superior to any that an OW/OM could possibly ever show.

 

I bow before your superior intellect and compassion and your evident generally superior humanity as well.

 

May many blessings be upon you and yours this holiday season, and may you continue to live life from such a lofty and holy moral position.

[Yuri]

I agree with what Harmony is saying but I am more than a little sickened. Imagine, if he had chosen her, and she told him that in order to be with her he must give up his children with you, and have no contact with them whatsoever.

 

I personally feel he should get as far away from you as possible, but as he agreed to such a disgusting request, it seems the two of you deserve each other.

 

Shame on you for forcing such a decision upon him, and even more shame on him for not telling you to jump in the nearest lake.

 

Those poor children.....

 

Did you read her lastest post? She decided to move on. I hope she doesn't read this.

[Fallen Angel]

Did you read her lastest post? She decided to move on. I hope she doesn't read this.

 

Hope she doesn't read it why?

 

Because I was honest in stating that I think forcing him to choose between his child and her was horrible? I stand by what I said. It was awful.

 

I am glad that she is making different choices, but I think she needs to see the impossible position she put him in, demanding that he deny one of his children for her. I agree that he put her in a horrible position, but if she knew she could never accept him living up to his responsibilities to his child, she should have made the decision to leave/kick him out THEN, before his child spent a year being denied.

 

It would be equally as horrible if the table had been turned, he had chosen his OW instead, and the OW had told him he needed to cut off his children that were a result of his marriage to his wife. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

 

I know I am but a lowly OW myself, but I would NEVER expect a man I was involved with to have NC with his CHILD for me. And it doesn't matter if that child is one, or thirty one.

 

The marriage did not stand a real chance of recovery because she could not forgive what he had done. I am not saying forget, but forgive. There has to be true and complete forgiveness in order to heal and move forward, and part of that forgiving would have included expecting him to live up to his responsibilites to the child who was a result of his infedelity, including allowing the child to know not only his/her father, but also his/her siblings.

 

But that is just my 'less than compassionate, less than caring, less than worthy" opinion.

[Samantha0905]

This is so very hard but I have decided to end my marriage. I have come to realise that I am a mother first and foremost and to deprive a child of their father is very wrong but as I know I cant live with him having contact with his child then I cant be in the marriage( not that it can be called a marriage anyway) I owe it to my own children for them to be happy and they were not as they have had to live with the constant arguements. I also owe it to myself to find happiness and love. I didnt chose for this situation but I can chose what happens from now. I have told my husband that he has to move in to his parents home until we can sell ours,he has agreed to this but is still adamant that just because we are splitting up it will never bring him back to his ex other woman and child, but there again he said all this and more for the past 21 months so somehow i do not believe him!!!! Thankyou to all you lovely people who have brought me to my senses as you dont know me and therefore gave me impartial advice

 

I think that is probably the best decision for you. It is a horrible situation. You need to take control of your own happiness and it sounds like you are going to do just that.

 

I agree that you have done nothing wrong in this situation. I just didn't agree it was acceptable to expect him to not have any contact with the child. If you, however, want to greatly reduce any contact with him (other than his right to see his children), you are certainly right in allowing yourself to make that choice.

[Samantha0905]

Unbelievable.

 

This woman, Ultimatebetrayal, did not force her H to go impregnate another woman, she had nothing to do with the conception of this child, she had no contract, written or verbal, with this other woman regarding taking any responsibility for any children this woman should bear, etc. etc., so why should she feel compassion for this child? Why should she care anything about the, oh, wait for it, innocent victim of an affair??? The OW and the cheater certainly didn't care diddly squat about her or her children, the OW because it isn't her responsibility, remember?

Once again, dump all the responsibility on the spouse who was betrayed, because of course, they must have so much more compassion and considerations for others than the people who create these kind of messes.

 

We should all feel compassion towards one another in life -- most especially innocent children. I don't think it's dumping all the responsibility on the BS to ask her to understand a father should stay in contact with his child.

 

In any event, it seems she is handling it now in a way that best suits her psyche -- understanding the child is not at fault.

[Impudent Oyster]

Gosh I dont know where to begin as so much has happened. My husband had an affair with an old girlfriend (who was the love of his life when they were together before we married) This happened in 2008 I found out and banned him from any contact with her in order for him to stay in our home. He told me he only wanted to be with the kids and I thought I could win him back.A couple of months later he told me that she was pregnant with his child. I gave him an ultimatum that if he had any contact with her or the child whatsoever then he was out!!!! he told me he wanted nothing to do with either of them ever and I believed him because I knew he had to much to lose. He told me he only wanted our children. I have recently found out he has had contact with them both. He said nothing happened between him and her, but i dont believe him. I am so shocked as I believed him when he said he would never get in touch with them and he even said horrible things about them which I now think was for my benefit. I feel now that maybe he really did want them both but he had to stick to the ultimatum I gave him. I dont know whether to let him stay if he sticks to another ultimatum I give him or will this happen again.

 

I'm so very sorry, that really is the ultimate betrayal.

 

I couldn't do it. It was bad enough that he had unprotected sex but he violated the one condition you had for reconciling?

 

No one can tell you what to do but I know what I'd do...I couldn't forgive him or stay with him. I just couldn't.

[Impudent Oyster]

Why are you not responding to the fact it is WRONG to demand he have no contact with his child? The child is his just like the three you have are his.

 

If that's a condition of her staying with him then it is not wrong of her to demand that he have no contact. She can demand anything she wants, it's up to her husband to respect her demands or leave. He created this mess, not her.

 

She's giving him an ultimatum, and honestly, if it were me I would give the same ultimatum because OUR children come first, the children he planned and wanted to have, not an accidental pregnancy that was the result of irresponsible cheaters. He's not married to the childs mother, he made to promises to her or wanted to start a family with her, and I'm sure the child's mother made the choice to have and keep that baby with the knowledge that it's father had a previous responsibility to his wife and children.

 

It's in his hands, his choice.

 

Why should the wife have any concern for this innocent child? She had no responsibility for it's birth or for it's mothers choice to keep it, so please stop attacking the BS for the irresponsible behavior of the MM and OW. THAT is sickening, IMO.

 

The BS's first responsibility is to HER children, and that's whose interests she is considering.

 

I'd give my husband the same ultimatum, that is if I could even stand the sight of him after being so incredibly irresponsible.

[Yuri]

Hope she doesn't read it why?

 

Because I was honest in stating that I think forcing him to choose between his child and her was horrible? I stand by what I said. It was awful.

 

I am glad that she is making different choices, but I think she needs to see the impossible position she put him in, demanding that he deny one of his children for her. I agree that he put her in a horrible position, but if she knew she could never accept him living up to his responsibilities to his child, she should have made the decision to leave/kick him out THEN, before his child spent a year being denied.

 

It would be equally as horrible if the table had been turned, he had chosen his OW instead, and the OW had told him he needed to cut off his children that were a result of his marriage to his wife. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

 

I know I am but a lowly OW myself, but I would NEVER expect a man I was involved with to have NC with his CHILD for me. And it doesn't matter if that child is one, or thirty one.

 

The marriage did not stand a real chance of recovery because she could not forgive what he had done. I am not saying forget, but forgive. There has to be true and complete forgiveness in order to heal and move forward, and part of that forgiving would have included expecting him to live up to his responsibilites to the child who was a result of his infedelity, including allowing the child to know not only his/her father, but also his/her siblings.

 

But that is just my 'less than compassionate, less than caring, less than worthy" opinion.

 

Fallen Angel,

 

Because I thought your "Jump in the nearest lake" comment was harsh. Desperate people do desperate things. You never know.

It's not her fault that she couldn't forgive her husband. And I don't think her "forgiveness" mattered to her husband anyway.

I've never said you're a lowly OW. I have nothing against OWs. Why do you say that?

[Impudent Oyster]

You're either a troll, or a crappy human being for denying an innocent child his/her father.

 

 

You have it backwards, the OW denied an innocent child their father by allowing herself to get pregnant by a married man and then decided to raise that child as a single woman.

 

Let's put the responsibility where it belongs. If a woman wants herchild to have a father, she ought to get married then have a baby, or at the very least, sleep with men who aren't otherwise committed.

[eeyore1981]

If that's a condition of her staying with him then it is not wrong of her to demand that he have no contact. She can demand anything she wants, it's up to her husband to respect her demands or leave. He created this mess, not her.

 

She's giving him an ultimatum, and honestly, if it were me I would give the same ultimatum because OUR children come first, the children he planned and wanted to have, not an accidental pregnancy that was the result of irresponsible cheaters. He's not married to the childs mother, he made to promises to her or wanted to start a family with her, and I'm sure the child's mother made the choice to have and keep that baby with the knowledge that it's father had a previous responsibility to his wife and children.

 

It's in his hands, his choice.

 

Why should the wife have any concern for this innocent child? She had no responsibility for it's birth or for it's mothers choice to keep it, so please stop attacking the BS for the irresponsible behavior of the MM and OW. THAT is sickening, IMO.

 

The BS's first responsibility is to HER children, and that's whose interests she is considering.

 

I'd give my husband the same ultimatum, that is if I could even stand the sight of him after being so incredibly irresponsible.

 

I absolutely agree. Her H and his OW made this incredibly horrible situation for this woman to deal with, without any help from her at all, and yet when the sh** hits the fan, it's all about the wife to clean up the mess. H should have manned up and told his wife her terms were unacceptable to him, but he didn't, so that is all his wife's fault. OW should have given the child up for adoption, since she got pregnant by a guy who was already contracted out to someone else, but she didn't, so that again is all the wife's fault.

Nope, the H and the OW owe nothing whatsoever to the wife, their behavior is perfectly fine, but if the wife is not willing to open up her home, her family, and herself to welcoming the product created by her H and some woman who didn't give a cr** what kind of pain she was raining down on the wife, as long as she could do the nasty with this guy, the wife is a horrible, terrible person. Barring that, the wife should be the one to step up and end the marriage, so her low-life H can play daddy to his infidelity child. *Yeah, makes perfect sense to me. (This last sentence would be sarcasm.)

[HarmonyHope]

If that's a condition of her staying with him then it is not wrong of her to demand that he have no contact. She can demand anything she wants, it's up to her husband to respect her demands or leave. He created this mess, not her.

 

She's giving him an ultimatum, and honestly, if it were me I would give the same ultimatum because OUR children come first, the children he planned and wanted to have, not an accidental pregnancy that was the result of irresponsible cheaters. He's not married to the childs mother, he made to promises to her or wanted to start a family with her, and I'm sure the child's mother made the choice to have and keep that baby with the knowledge that it's father had a previous responsibility to his wife and children.

 

It's in his hands, his choice.

 

Why should the wife have any concern for this innocent child? She had no responsibility for it's birth or for it's mothers choice to keep it, so please stop attacking the BS for the irresponsible behavior of the MM and OW. THAT is sickening, IMO.

 

The BS's first responsibility is to HER children, and that's whose interests she is considering.

 

I'd give my husband the same ultimatum, that is if I could even stand the sight of him after being so incredibly irresponsible.

 

You have NO IDEA whether or not the child was planned. Cheaters lie, as we all know. Secondly, it takes 2 people to get pregnant, so stop placing blame solely on the OW. Her H did create the mess, and now there's a child. That child deserves a father. Bottom line, if the OP can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. That's the responsible thing to do.

 

This quote above is so increibly selish and uncaring it almost defies belief. Except that it came from IO, so it's actually in keeping with how she usually posts.

 

Newsflash to IO and eeyore: while it sucks that you were betrayed, the world does not revolve solely around you. You don't get a free pass to be a narcisstic selfish jerk just because your husband is.

[Church Bells]

If that's a condition of her staying with him then it is not wrong of her to demand that he have no contact. She can demand anything she wants, it's up to her husband to respect her demands or leave. He created this mess, not her.

 

She's giving him an ultimatum, and honestly, if it were me I would give the same ultimatum because OUR children come first, the children he planned and wanted to have, not an accidental pregnancy that was the result of irresponsible cheaters. He's not married to the childs mother, he made to promises to her or wanted to start a family with her, and I'm sure the child's mother made the choice to have and keep that baby with the knowledge that it's father had a previous responsibility to his wife and children.

 

It's in his hands, his choice.

 

Why should the wife have any concern for this innocent child? She had no responsibility for it's birth or for it's mothers choice to keep it, so please stop attacking the BS for the irresponsible behavior of the MM and OW. THAT is sickening, IMO.

 

The BS's first responsibility is to HER children, and that's whose interests she is considering.

 

I'd give my husband the same ultimatum, that is if I could even stand the sight of him after being so incredibly irresponsible.

 

Very well said ... I couldn't agree more!!!

 

The BS owes NOTHING to this child. The BS has her priorities ... and CLEARLY the WH has others ... this is precisely why divorces are available in this country.

[Impudent Oyster]

You have NO IDEA whether or not the child was planned. Cheaters lie, as we all know. Secondly, it takes 2 people to get pregnant, so stop placing blame solely on the OW. Her H did create the mess, and now there's a child. That child deserves a father. Bottom line, if the OP can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. That's the responsible thing to do.

 

This quote above is so increibly selish and uncaring it almost defies belief. Except that it came from IO, so it's actually in keeping with how she usually posts.

 

Newsflash to IO and eeyore: while it sucks that you were betrayed, the world does not revolve solely around you. You don't get a free pass to be a narcisstic selfish jerk just because your husband is.

 

Okay, lets say that the child WAS planned.

 

Who in their right mind plans a pregnancy with a married man?

 

What right does someone have to start a family with a married man who already has children with his WIFE?

 

Polygamy is illegal in most countries, so the answer to that is, NONE. She has no right and neither does the MM. But ultimately, we all know that the woman makes the choice to have a child or not. The man has no say in the matter.

 

If he wanted a child with a woman who isn't his wife, he gets a divorce first.

[Impudent Oyster]

I absolutely agree. Her H and his OW made this incredibly horrible situation for this woman to deal with, without any help from her at all, and yet when the sh** hits the fan, it's all about the wife to clean up the mess. H should have manned up and told his wife her terms were unacceptable to him, but he didn't, so that is all his wife's fault. OW should have given the child up for adoption, since she got pregnant by a guy who was already contracted out to someone else, but she didn't, so that again is all the wife's fault.

Nope, the H and the OW owe nothing whatsoever to the wife, their behavior is perfectly fine, but if the wife is not willing to open up her home, her family, and herself to welcoming the product created by her H and some woman who didn't give a cr** what kind of pain she was raining down on the wife, as long as she could do the nasty with this guy, the wife is a horrible, terrible person. Barring that, the wife should be the one to step up and end the marriage, so her low-life H can play daddy to his infidelity child. *Yeah, makes perfect sense to me. (This last sentence would be sarcasm.)

 

 

It's amazing to me that there are people so painfully ignorant and arrogant that they think it's perfectly OK to have a child by a married man.

 

Then they add insult to injury by vilifying the wife for refusing to play stepmom and to compromise her children's lives for the selfishness of the 2 affair partners.

[eeyore1981]

Newsflash to IO and eeyore: while it sucks that you were betrayed, the world does not revolve solely around you. You don't get a free pass to be a narcisstic selfish jerk just because your husband is.

 

If it is being a narcissistic selfish jerk to have compassion and sympathy towards a woman who was blindsided by not only her husband screwing around on her, but a child as a result of that screwing around, then label away.

 

The man cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant. The other woman had sex with a married man and got pregnant as a result. Stupid choices by both, not just the husband, and I don't think it is up to the betrayed wife to make the right choices because of these two idiots and their stupidity. I think it is up to the husband and his other woman to do the right thing, but that would entail responsibility, so you apparently think it is perfectly okay to dump it all on the duped wife. Why not try putting the responsibility for this child on this child's parents? I would think that is where it belongs.

[Impudent Oyster]

You have NO IDEA whether or not the child was planned. Cheaters lie, as we all know. Secondly, it takes 2 people to get pregnant, so stop placing blame solely on the OW. Her H did create the mess, and now there's a child. That child deserves a father. Bottom line, if the OP can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. That's the responsible thing to do.

 

This quote above is so increibly selish and uncaring it almost defies belief. Except that it came from IO, so it's actually in keeping with how she usually posts.

 

Newsflash to IO and eeyore: while it sucks that you were betrayed, the world does not revolve solely around you. You don't get a free pass to be a narcisstic selfish jerk just because your husband is.

 

How on earth is it narcissistic to point out that the OW and MM are completely and totally responsible for the child THEY conceived and that the OW gave birth to?

 

That was her choice. Her choice to have a child with a MM, the wife had nothing to do with it, so take your name calling back to jr. high where your mentality would be common.

 

Stop blaming the victim here, and those victims are clearly the wife and children.

[Impudent Oyster]

If it is being a narcissistic selfish jerk to have compassion and sympathy towards a woman who was blindsided by not only her husband screwing around on her, but a child as a result of that screwing around, then label away.

 

The man cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant. The other woman had sex with a married man and got pregnant as a result. Stupid choices by both, not just the husband, and I don't think it is up to the betrayed wife to make the right choices because of these two idiots and their stupidity. I think it is up to the husband and his other woman to do the right thing, but that would entail responsibility, so you apparently think it is perfectly okay to dump it all on the duped wife. Why not try putting the responsibility for this child on this child's parents? I would think that is where it belongs.

 

Amen Eeyore.

 

Blaming the wife for the actions of two selfish and irresponsible AP's is disgusting.

[Fallen Angel]

The man cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant. The other woman had sex with a married man and got pregnant as a result. Stupid choices by both, not just the husband, and I don't think it is up to the betrayed wife to make the right choices because of these two idiots and their stupidity. I think it is up to the husband and his other woman to do the right thing, but that would entail responsibility, so you apparently think it is perfectly okay to dump it all on the duped wife. Why not try putting the responsibility for this child on this child's parents? I would think that is where it belongs.

 

 

HMM, funny, but that is what WE are saying and YOU are arguing AGAINST!!! The father should be responsible for his child, imagine that!!

[Impudent Oyster]

HMM, funny, but that is what WE are saying and YOU are arguing AGAINST!!! The father should be responsible for his child, imagine that!!

 

The only legal responsibility the father has to his child is a financial one.

 

Other than child support, the child's mother should expect nor demand nothing more from him, especially given the complete lack of respect and concern he's shown to his first 3 children.

 

If you want a caring, concerned, full-time father for your child, a married man isn't your best bet to procreate with.

[Impudent Oyster]

Next someone will suggest the wife of a MM whose OW has a baby send over a casserole with him when he visits his second family just to give the new mommy a break.

[Impudent Oyster]

Yes, the welfare of children is the priority, however, it is NOT the responsibility or priority of the BW, no more than she is responsible for my children's well-being.

 

Her children's welfare is her concern, the OW's child is the OW's concern. You can't hold the BW responsible for her husband's or the OW's choices.

 

She is not the bad guy here, not by a long shot, and I find it reprehensible that anyone would judge her.