ultimatebetrayal Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Gosh I dont know where to begin as so much has happened. My husband had an affair with an old girlfriend (who was the love of his life when they were together before we married) This happened in 2008 I found out and banned him from any contact with her in order for him to stay in our home. He told me he only wanted to be with the kids and I thought I could win him back.A couple of months later he told me that she was pregnant with his child. I gave him an ultimatum that if he had any contact with her or the child whatsoever then he was out!!!! he told me he wanted nothing to do with either of them ever and I believed him because I knew he had to much to lose. He told me he only wanted our children. I have recently found out he has had contact with them both. He said nothing happened between him and her, but i dont believe him. I am so shocked as I believed him when he said he would never get in touch with them and he even said horrible things about them which I now think was for my benefit. I feel now that maybe he really did want them both but he had to stick to the ultimatum I gave him. I dont know whether to let him stay if he sticks to another ultimatum I give him or will this happen again.
Samantha0905 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I don't know how you deal with that situation. He obviously has an obligation to you and your children. The other child is his also, regardless of the situation. I think it's a terrible thing to deprive this child of any contact from his/her father. He is a father to that child as much as he is a father to your children. My son-in-law never met his father. He finally found out the father lived in the same city as he did and contacted him as an adult. The man is married with children and refused to meet him. It has done irreparable harm to him psychologically. The man must not have a soul. As for the dishonesty, you have to decide how to handle it. Are you sure the contact was made to be in touch with her, or is he concerned for a child he fathered? If he wants to be with her, there's not much you can do about that. If he does not, surely something could be worked out where he can have some sort of contact with the child.
HarmonyHope Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Your husband has a child with this woman, and that child deserves to know his/her father. I am little sickened that you would seek to bar the child from knowing his/her father just to make you (an adult) feel more secure. He and the other woman are now tied together forever the same way you and he are. If you want to continue the marriage, you're going to have to accept that his other child and his/her mother is going to be a part of your lives. With that being said, you do not have to accept your husband lying and sneaking an extracurricular relationship with this woman. It has to be strictly platonic. If that's more than you can handle, you're probably best off to cut ties and get a divorce. It would take an extremely strong woman to stay with a man who cheated and had a child with the other woman because of the immense complication that involves, and frankly, I don't think I could do it.
PhoenixRise Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I understand how you feel about your H having continued contact with his former girlfriend/affair partner. Usually I would say that absolute NC must be in place for the marriage to reconcile...but in this case there is an innocent child who, regardless of the cheating that caused the conception, deserves to have a relationship with its father. I think if you want to keep the marriage you are going to have to come to grips with the existence of this child. Even if you could get your H to never see the child again it won't change the fact that your H created a child with another woman. I have to tell you that unless your H truly loves you and wants to keep the marriage all the ultimatums in the world won't help you. The child is not the problem. The fact that you describe the other woman as someone he once considered "the love of his life" is the problem.
Author ultimatebetrayal Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) He has been no contact until now..the child is 14months. I know he doesnt love me and we have no intimacy and the only thing keeping him in the marriage is the fear of losing his 3 children. He told me he didnt want anything to do with her or the child and I really thought he meant it , so I guess all the time he was thinking differently to what he was telling me. He has begged me to let him stay and said he wont break no contact again. I dont know whether to move us all far away so he cant see them or have the temptation to see them. Our children are the priority.We argue all the time and I throw the affair up constantly but I know he will do anything to be with our children. Edited December 4, 2009 by ultimatebetrayal
scatterd Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I dont know if I could stay married after that but a far as the child what did he or her do wrong?Why would your husband say awfull stuff about the child.Im sorry he hurt you but the kid needs his dad.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 i think you may have given him an unrealistic ultimatum. you can demand he forget this ow, but to demand for him to forget the child might not be something he is able to do. im sure its a struggle for him. but i imagine that your H may spend every day trying to do what it takes to keep his marriage and family intact while secretly wondering about his child. this is a strain for him that will be there forever. and this probably will continue to come up, as not being part of your childs life is not something that many people can do without remorse or wonder. perhaps you should give yourself an ultimatum. by staying with your H your are knowingly being part of this situation. so either you choose to stay with him and accept this other child, or leave. its not fair to put demands on him that he may not be able to follow. and even if he follows these demands for a while you do not know how he will feel over time. this is setting yourself up for more pain as he will most likely want contact with this child later in life. and then the damage will also be to this child, who will suffer the pain of not knowing a father.
PhoenixRise Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 He has been no contact until now..the child is 14months. I know he doesnt love me and we have no intimacy and the only thing keeping him in the marriage is the fear of losing his 3 children. He told me he didnt want anything to do with her or the child and I really thought he meant it , so I guess all the time he was thinking differently to what he was telling me. He has begged me to let him stay and said he wont break no contact again. I dont know whether to move us all far away so he cant see them or have the temptation to see them. Our children are the priority.We argue all the time and I throw the affair up constantly but I know he will do anything to be with our children. Is this real??? You know he doesn't love you and you have no intimacy??? You and he sound absolutely miserable. Why would you want to keep yourself and him trapped in this kind of prison? You aren't even happy are you? You don't have to stay married for your children to thrive. From what you have posted...I think it is likely that your husband will continue to sneak to contact the OW and child. Frankly I don't get why you are so determined to keep him.
PhoenixRise Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 AND I wanted to add. It is really really wrong to use children to hold a man hostage. AND it is a horrible burden on the children.
Author ultimatebetrayal Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I really love him and he has promised me he wont ever see them again and he wants nothing to do with the ever again.
Samantha0905 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I really love him and he has promised me he wont ever see them again and he wants nothing to do with the ever again. Why are you not responding to the fact it is WRONG to demand he have no contact with his child? The child is his just like the three you have are his.
Samantha0905 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 And why would you want to be with a man who would agree to having zero contact with a child he fathered and also a man who does not love you? It makes no sense.
hopeless4u Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 He has been no contact until now..the child is 14months. I know he doesnt love me and we have no intimacy and the only thing keeping him in the marriage is the fear of losing his 3 children. He told me he didnt want anything to do with her or the child and I really thought he meant it , so I guess all the time he was thinking differently to what he was telling me. He has begged me to let him stay and said he wont break no contact again. I dont know whether to move us all far away so he cant see them or have the temptation to see them. Our children are the priority.We argue all the time and I throw the affair up constantly but I know he will do anything to be with our children. Do you really want to stay with a man who you know doesn't love you, who you have no intimacy with?? Do your children see these arguments?? If he is willing to stay with you in these circumstances just for your 3 children then surly he will also lie to you to see his other child! You should both be putting your children 1st...all of them!! You are the adults, the parents and the only people the children have to protect them.
PhoenixRise Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 And why would you want to be with a man who would agree to having zero contact with a child he fathered and also a man who does not love you? It makes no sense. It makes no sense... This story smells like a troll
LadyDi Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 You're either a troll, or a crappy human being for denying an innocent child his/her father.
Gabriele Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 You're either a troll, or a crappy human being for denying an innocent child his/her father. So what is a Troll.......i ask naively??? what would the point serve of wasting time writing a story here?
Author ultimatebetrayal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Thank you for all the replies,this is a terrible situation and something I never expected to go through. I know that me giving my husband ultimatums is wrong and I know this child needs his father but so do my children and I know I could never be able to accept this child and that is why I said its either us or them. My husband happily accepted the ultimatum and had no contact till now, so I dont know why he changed his mind. I told him earlier that I want to separate and he said even if we do it will never take him back to the other woman and their child ever. I am not sure if he really means that and if i say ok then he may start contact again further down the line. Part of me now wants to split up but also part of me wants to keep my family together at least until the children have grown up. If I do separate he is not in a position to move out until our home is sold as neither of us are in a position to buy each other out.
HarmonyHope Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) I'm sorry, but YOUR needs should NEVER ever supersede the needs of ANY of the 4 children involved. If you can't get comfortable with the idea of accepting his child as part of his life, then please, PLEASE divorce for the sake of all the children. For your own kids, you do them no favors by being so emotionally manipulative with their father. Do you want them to grow up and have a loveless marriage like yours? Thats the example you are giving them to live by. Think hard as to whether you really want to continue giving them this AWFUL example of how love and marriage work. It just isn't worth it. The truth is that if his kids are that important to him, he's always kept in contact with the "other one". You just didn't find out about it until recently. And he's going to keep lying to you so he doesn't lose his other 3 kids. Just stop the madness. Either suck it up and let him see his baby or leave and let him have visits with all 4 of his kids. Then you don't have to worry about who or what he's really doing. Edited December 5, 2009 by HarmonyHope
jennie-jennie Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 He has been no contact until now..the child is 14months. I know he doesnt love me and we have no intimacy and the only thing keeping him in the marriage is the fear of losing his 3 children. He told me he didnt want anything to do with her or the child and I really thought he meant it , so I guess all the time he was thinking differently to what he was telling me. He has begged me to let him stay and said he wont break no contact again. I dont know whether to move us all far away so he cant see them or have the temptation to see them. Our children are the priority.We argue all the time and I throw the affair up constantly but I know he will do anything to be with our children. If "he doesn't love" you and you "have no intimacy", what does it matter if he has contact with the OW? It can't get any worse than what you already stated in my opinion.
jennie-jennie Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Part of me now wants to split up but also part of me wants to keep my family together at least until the children have grown up. If I do separate he is not in a position to move out until our home is sold as neither of us are in a position to buy each other out. Sounds like a good idea.
Author ultimatebetrayal Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 This is so very hard but I have decided to end my marriage. I have come to realise that I am a mother first and foremost and to deprive a child of their father is very wrong but as I know I cant live with him having contact with his child then I cant be in the marriage( not that it can be called a marriage anyway) I owe it to my own children for them to be happy and they were not as they have had to live with the constant arguements. I also owe it to myself to find happiness and love. I didnt chose for this situation but I can chose what happens from now. I have told my husband that he has to move in to his parents home until we can sell ours,he has agreed to this but is still adamant that just because we are splitting up it will never bring him back to his ex other woman and child, but there again he said all this and more for the past 21 months so somehow i do not believe him!!!! Thankyou to all you lovely people who have brought me to my senses as you dont know me and therefore gave me impartial advice
Yuri Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I also owe it to myself to find happiness and love. I'm glad you realized this. You're ready to move on. It's hard now but you will make it. Take care of yourself and your kids.
HarmonyHope Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 This is so very hard but I have decided to end my marriage. I have come to realise that I am a mother first and foremost and to deprive a child of their father is very wrong but as I know I cant live with him having contact with his child then I cant be in the marriage( not that it can be called a marriage anyway) I owe it to my own children for them to be happy and they were not as they have had to live with the constant arguements. I also owe it to myself to find happiness and love. Good for you! It sounds like you're ready to do what you know is right for your kids, you, and the other child. That's fantastic. You and all the children will be so much better off for all this, really and truly. Hooray for you for making the wise and selfless choice!
allthatjazz Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) It's been said over and over, bit I find repetition funny... Demanding that he not contact her is completely understandable, especially if the two of you have agreed to work your marriage out. But to tell him that he is to have no contact with that child is unimagineable! This other woman and your husband might be a set of tools, but this child didn't have any fault in that. If you REALLY wanted this other woman to feel pain, then you would encourage your husband to build a meaningful, loving father-child relationship...meaning, as well, to have the courts establish paternity and order regular visitation. It's not the most ideal stepmother situation, but what an opportunity you would have to make a major positive impression on this child's life. Wanting him to have no contact with his own flesh and blood, despite who the mother is, is probably the ONLY reason he sticks around in this marriage with you (based upon the fact that you said he doesn't love you). Seeing how you deal with the importance of a father's role, he's probably terrified that you'll do the same thing to him with the children you share. ETA: My bad for not reading the remaining posts! But good for you for deciding to separate. Regardless of where he takes his life from here, and whom he chooses to take it there with, YOU will be able to find your own path. Good luck! Edited December 6, 2009 by allthatjazz
Fallen Angel Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) Your husband has a child with this woman, and that child deserves to know his/her father. I am little sickened that you would seek to bar the child from knowing his/her father just to make you (an adult) feel more secure. He and the other woman are now tied together forever the same way you and he are. If you want to continue the marriage, you're going to have to accept that his other child and his/her mother is going to be a part of your lives. With that being said, you do not have to accept your husband lying and sneaking an extracurricular relationship with this woman. It has to be strictly platonic. If that's more than you can handle, you're probably best off to cut ties and get a divorce. It would take an extremely strong woman to stay with a man who cheated and had a child with the other woman because of the immense complication that involves, and frankly, I don't think I could do it. I agree with what Harmony is saying but I am more than a little sickened. Imagine, if he had chosen her, and she told him that in order to be with her he must give up his children with you, and have no contact with them whatsoever. I personally feel he should get as far away from you as possible, but as he agreed to such a disgusting request, it seems the two of you deserve each other. Shame on you for forcing such a decision upon him, and even more shame on him for not telling you to jump in the nearest lake. Those poor children..... Edited December 6, 2009 by Fallen Angel
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