BigBubbs Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 My Ex and I split up after a 18 month relationship. She's 39 with 2 kids and I'm a couple years younger. We split after having a big argument and I stopped wanting to be the one to keep things going (technically she's the dumper although I didn't really fight it). She has had an abusive past and tends to run from conflict and relationships. Anyway, we have been NC for almost 4 months except the first few weeks where we arranged to get her stuff that she had at my house over to her. After spending the last four months working on things myself and certainly seeing my own strengths and weaknesses I've come to a place where I want to try to re-establish contact. I miss her and care about her deeply and really want her in my life if possible. Can anyone give a positive personal experience with this? I know many on here recommend NC forever but at the same time I feel I am now getting to a point where emotions aren't as raw and l want her in my life. I did no contact to heal myself and figure out what I wanted. But now that I know what I want I feel continuing NC forever without following my heart feels like I'd be playing a big game. Any advice would be appreciated
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 What is your ultimate goal? Do you want (and are ready for) just friends?
Author BigBubbs Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 At this stage I would like to be re-establish contact and be friends. I don't think we would be right for each other romantically. I miss the friendship and I miss the relationship with the kids as well
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 It is a tough individual call you have to make on this one. You will only be able to know what to do when you can be completely honest with yourself about your goals for reconnecting. It is easy for us guys to "talk ourselves into morality" or more simply tell ourselves we are doing the right thing. But it isnt always the WHOLE truth. If you can sit in a room with your eyes closed and really dig deep into yourself, and you find that you wouldnt have any of the old emotions come back and interfere with a friendship, if you can be certain that hearing her talk about being in love with another man wouldn't bother you, and most importantly, if you could truly handle her rejecting you as a friend (because that might happen)...then I would say you MAY be ready to reconnect. The other issue here is whether she would want to hear from you or not. If you truly care about her you should be concerned about the effect your contacting her might have on her. She may not be in as good of a place as you are right now, despite who dumped who. You contacting her might actually hurt her, would you want that? My advice, since this is the first "I am ready to talk to her" moment, wait a month. If you still feel the same way then find a way to see if she is in a mental place where she could handle talking to you again. Get a journal and write down exactly what you are thinking about the subject right now and every day after today. At the end of the month, look back at the entries and see if your thinking has stayed the same or changed. Changed in what way? All of these things will help you decide what is the right action. Even a simple email or text message has a much greater effect than most people think. It serves as a trigger to a very powerful gun. If you have never handled this gun before you need to spend some time learning how to use it before you can go shooting it off in the woods like a crazy man, otherwise you may do some serious harm to someone else or even yourself. wishing you the best..
adamt Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I got dumped. NC for 5 months then we bumped into each other. Had a 15 minute awkward catch up chat. I handled it fine but it was the week after that she was back in my mind and the feelings were returning. i just kept replaying our conversation over and over again and wondering what else i could have said or said different. I think it is far to early to reconnect. Infact why the urge to want to be friends with an ex apart from to clear the guilt. I would give it a year and even then just rely on bumping into each other. look forward not back
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 If she was interested she would be on her hands a knees knocking your door down. Let it go, your doing great and will find someone better; Read if you have not or reread if you have: So you want a second chance?
luvflower Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 You contacting her might actually hurt her, would you want that? How is contacting her going to hurt her? As a female who has been the dumper, it really depends on the grounds of the breakup. Why did she break up with you? If you really care it would be wise NOT to let lots of time go by. That allows her to see how much you DO NOT care about having her in your life. Yes your ego will tell you not to contact her now, but if you want to make it easier for her to date someone else, then keep dragging your feet. Women want to know the man cares enough to INITIATE contact. You already made it clear that you didn't fight it when she initially broke up with you. So she could be lead to believe that you really don't give a hoot.
luvflower Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 If the reason for the break up was strong, she WILL NOT be at your door begging you back...come on. She has kids and responsibilities. To be chasing after a man who shows no interest in making things work, is a bit far fetched IMO.
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 If the reason for the break up was strong, she WILL NOT be at your door begging you back...come on. She has kids and responsibilities. To be chasing after a man who shows no interest in making things work, is a bit far fetched IMO. BS! if they was strong and wanted to be in a relationship they would fear nothing to try to get the relationship back, not even the fear of looking weak to the one they love.
Author BigBubbs Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 I appreciate the feedback and while I see both sides. I don't want to hurt her and I do care about her. I get that everyone is an adult and is responsible for their own actions and issues and yes she hasn't tried to contact me on her end. But as Luvflower says the few texts and voicemail she left about her stuff were pretty much ignored by me other than simply sending her stuff back. She very well could feel I want nothing to do with her. I'm also concerned that if I do it though and she adamately blows me off than I might fall back in my healing. At least I'll feel that I tried. I'm still unsure and am taking my time making this decision.
billy356 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 How is contacting her going to hurt her? Both sides of a breakup regardless of who is the dumper and who is the dumpee go through pain. True the dumpee will generally have had some time ahead of the breakup to prepare themselves, but the ending of a long term relationship carries with it emotional scars for all involved. Reconnecting in this situation may bring back feelings of guilt, sadness, longing for "the old Bubbs". And you may read that and go "yes thats what I want, i want her to miss me and come back". But restarting a relationship based on a longing for old feelings that have gone by the wayside is not healthy for either person and is the reason why a good majority of relationships that are restarted within the first year fail. So just as a reconnection just to talk could put the dumpee backwards in their recovery, it can have the same effect on the dumper. Generally compassion for the dumper is low (trust me I understand that completely) but in this case if he really cares about her mental state then it is something to consider.
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