what do i do now!

[wendy37]

this is going to be long but ive got to vent here coz im driving myself mad here trying to get my head around everything and after loads and loads of thought and where i went wrong...

 

i use to go to school with my ex (25 years ago) we lost touch up until april 2007 when i contacted him through friends reunited to see how he was doing and what he had got from life so far ..at this point i was with someone else..

 

it turned out he had joined the army at 17 and was still in there..i was telling him what i was up now and that i had a job 3 kids and still living in the same town as i did growing up...anyway he said he was based near me and was off to ireland in the september and that we could meet up and catch up..which is what we did..i didnt find him attractive atall lol...but he was telling me how unhappy he was in his marriage and that things had been quite violent (i was shocked as he wasnt like that at school) he has 1 blood child with his ex wife and 2 step children..anyway we started to chat loads on msn but i backed away as i felt he was flirting with me and i had nothing to offer him at that point in life (i was with someone) so didnt wanna lead him on by flirting back.after a few months he would send me jokes via text but i hardly responded coz again i didnt wanna go down that road...anyway as time went on i made it clear that i wanted nothing from him which he excepted and we seem to get on well...i went out with friends 1 night and called him and said party at mine come over...PANICK....he turned up and had completely left his wife...afterwards we chatted (by this time me and my bf had now parted for good) i told him that he couldnt stay at mine and again told him i had nothing to offer him but he insisted that he didnt want to go back to his wife and moved into barracks....we still chatted here and there until one night i text him to ask him what he was doing for the bank holiday so he said nothing so we went to the seaside..still un be known to me anything was gonna happen..i had loads going on at the time with work ect ect..

 

anyway something happened and we just clicked and got together and were both so happy which even blew me away as i didnt think i was ready to move on but thought ok i can do this...we seemed to fall in love really quickly...but i was started to feel new emotions that i was finding it hard to deal with..my job was getting to be a nightmare and i was getting bullied by a couple of the girls at work,i also had a friend dying and i was helping him the best i could and then i had my new fella leaving for work and only seeing him at weekends so i was going through alot of horrible stuff by myself...i started to think that the pain of him going all the time was hurting me so much that maybe i couldnt be with him (it was a new emotion and i wasnt dealing with it) my friend dying was another new emotion and i wasnt knowing how i was dealing with that as well) i was just slowly going down hill..so i tried to end things for the sake of some pain but he kept talking me round but i wasnt sure for ages..my friend died 2 months after we got together and my partner was good and got some leave..then came xmas so this would of been 2months after my friend died..my dad was then getting ill and we found out in the feb my dad had a brain tumour and was given 7 months to live...by this point my fella was now based in ireland so i called him in shock and told him about my dad in which he replied 'oh nooo' then anyway im off to see my daughter il call u later!!! i was busted how he just came out with that...going back to xmas time my fellas mate had been speaking to me and he was also still friends with my fellas ex wife..and he had told me that my fella had been over in ireland begging his wife back!!! again i was broken...im now greiving for my friend im going off my head with my dad im watching my mum fall to bits and im living on egg shells waiting for the fone to ring as to weather my dad was iller ...i confronted my ex who denied it and told me to call his ex wife so i did and she said yes he had been asking her back but she was now moved on and was trying to press him about signing for the divorce which shes divorcing him on the grounds of mentle abuse...i said to her but hes lovely and all she said was..well i hope your the one for him and that can change him...this was now sommit else playing on my head...my dad came home in the june2008 and i nursed him and learned how to feed him through the stomach ect ect..i was working nights so my sleep was naffed and broken but i wanted to do my best for my dad..while this was going on my end,my ex would come back at weekends expecting me to go out drinking but i was soooooooo tired that in the end i was now starting to take all these issues out on my ex coz he wasnt there for me..it almost felt like i would have to say something to get a reaction to see if he cared(wrong i know) but my head wasnt in the right place and while he would call me up saying what a great time he was having ..i was watching my dad dying infront of me..something that emotion il never be able to put into words..my dad died july2008..i saw my dad dead and had never seen a body before but felt it was what i wanted todo..i kissed my dad and told him i loved him then fell into my exs arms (which he wasnt that responsive with me at the time) anyway that day was a blur,i was quiet and later that day my ex said to me,im sorry baby about your dad and im sorry i have no compassion but that was just a slab of meat laying there! i couldnt speak,i was tired worn down to nothing and for some reason dismissed what he said as part of his job ( i made the excuse for him) but it did plague me alot..he didnt come to the funeral..we had had a row at the weeknd as i asked him to come to me (he was in the pub) as i felt i was losing it and he said..oh ive just got another pint in!! i walked home and he was there by this time saying 'ur making me feel guilty and i dont know why im ment to be feeling guilty' i did say i felt like twatting him but i walked to the shop instead..when i got home,he had gone.no note no nothing..i called him and begged him not to let me go through this funeral by myself but he wouldnt come back..i non stopped cried for 2 days begging him to come back..he didnt and i got through the funeral...i know my head wasnt in the right place and yes i was horrible with words to him but now im the one feeling guilty coz thats what hes made me feel..i know now greif does do funny things to heads..we have since split up got back said crap things and so on..i was suffering nightmares and panick attacks while he was tormenting me with other women loads of mind games..im just scrapping the barral now and have lost all my self worth yet its him who has all the say (well thats how i feel) there has been loads thats hes done and i just dont know who i am anymore..

[billy356]

if you could edit that so that it is broken up into more paragraphs we might be able to read it better and you may get more responses....