stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Do any of you want or intend to have a friendship with your ex, once you feel you've "coped" or healed enough? Most days, I am so angry or sad I just want to forget he ever existed. But then when my emotions are calmer, even if just for a few minutes, my logic tells me that this R has not been right for awhile but that I still care for him tremendously as a person, and that maybe being friends might not be such a bad thing down the road some time. (I'm talking like months down the road at least.) Is it wrong to feel like I want something to show for all the time, the tears, the laughs, the holidays together?? What do you guys think about that?
nobmagnet Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I dont know your story sorry, If you have children then yes it is possible with time and work if you dont have children............why would you want to? you have your memories and some are good.Some are bad. they will fade to be just .........well nothing when you are happy again. I have an ex husband from 20 years ago. we have a daughter(17) we get along well. I like himlots andwould help him if he needed it and vise versa. I had a relationship after him for 2 years............no contact and never think about either the pleasure or pain within it.( no kids) I dont think its healthy to move on in life with contact unless you have children........but thats mexx
Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Personally I know I will never be able to be friends with him. Too many things were said and done that I wouldn't tolerate in a friend. I do however hang out in the same circle as him so it would be nice to at least be civil to each other. I’m still extremely angry so that's not something I'm capable of right now, at this point I really can't even imagine it in the future.
Author stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Some times I say that too "Why would you want to stay friends?" but I guess if I loved him enough to be engaged, then there must be redeeming qualities about him. And we did always get along so well, just not as much romantically. It's almost like we both were so emotionally charged that it led to far too many extreme highs and lows... not enough stability right in the middle you know? Just hard to imagine my life without him in it at all you know? I lost a very close guy friend in a car accident a few years ago, and I guess I just hate the idea that my ex-fiance will basically be "dead" to me for the rest of my life... very sad. I know I can't be his friend now, and maybe I won't want to be in the future. Just something I'm rolling around in my head.
twinklecat Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I guess it really depends on how you feel, but I am of the beleif that staying friends with an ex will hinder your healing and moving on, even thinking of being friends in the future. I agree that if children are involved, then yes you could try a friendship, otherwise no.
Arabella Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I definitely want to stay friends with my ex. In fact, I put up with his BS for as long as I did because I was afraid I'd lose him completely if I did break up with him. Our relationship may not have worked, but we're still very alike people and get along very well... as friends. That's worth everything to me. If only he were willing He's gone NC on me and I doubt he'll break it. Arabella
Author stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I definitely want to stay friends with my ex. In fact, I put up with his BS for as long as I did because I was afraid I'd lose him completely if I did break up with him. Our relationship may not have worked, but we're still very alike people and get along very well... as friends. That's worth everything to me. If only he were willing He's gone NC on me and I doubt he'll break it. Arabella Did you break up with him? I think that's why I put up with things in my R for so long too -- I knew I would lose him at least for a time if we broke up, but b/c I would be the one who couldn't handle a friendship right off the bat. I think your second paragraph is how my ex feels, but I don't know how it will work out for us... he talks about this older lady at his work who's divorced with children and remarried. She and her exH are best friends, she says. They talk all the time. Says they were best friends, just couldn't be in a R together. I honestly wish that my ex and I could be that way. But I feel like the time it will take us to get to that point emotionally will erase any desire to stay in touch.
silic0ntoad Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I will never be friends with an ex. Ever. There's a reason they are an "ex" and not a "friend".
northstar1 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Silicontoad has got it nailed. back to being a perfect stranger for my ex.
Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 This is such an open ended question because I think people look at friendship very differently. For me being friends with someone means, being able to count on that person, being able to be open up and tell them personal things like complaining about a bad date or telling them what a great date you just went on. I like how my therapist put it. "The day you are able to go on a double date with your ex and enjoy yourself is the day you can be friends. If you can’t hang out with him and his new girlfriend then you’re not just friends."
Author stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I will never be friends with an ex. Ever. There's a reason they are an "ex" and not a "friend". Silicontoad has got it nailed. back to being a perfect stranger for my ex. So just curious -- how long were your relationships?
norajane Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 By the time you get to the point of being capable of a friendship without any baggage and angst, you won't care about being friends anymore. It may seem unimaginable to you to not ever have him in your life again, but once you move on, you genuinely will not care if you never see him again. You're still in the midst of your post-break up emotions, so you may not believe that, but you will.
Author stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 By the time you get to the point of being capable of a friendship without any baggage and angst, you won't care about being friends anymore. It may seem unimaginable to you to not ever have him in your life again, but once you move on, you genuinely will not care if you never see him again. You're still in the midst of your post-break up emotions, so you may not believe that, but you will. I just can't imagine that to be true, because of everything we went through together. Maybe we won't be capable of being in each other's lives, but I don't believe I wouldn't wish we could be.
red_cloud Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yes, I would be friends with an ex provided that they treated me well as a friend and that being with them but not WITH them no longer caused me pain. I find it a little disturbing how people are so quick to throw away ex's. Unless you have the same habit of throwing friends and family members who you don't get along with for some period of time but are later on fine with, then why do this to an ex. This is someone you shared your body with and found enough redeeming qualities to continue to do so for a period of time... its one of the biggest connections you can have with anyone on earth. But obviously, if my ex had treated me badly during the course of the relationship (not counting the breakup because everyone does that) or was just a bad person in general then I would not be friends with them.
DenverBachelor Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Some ex's I have been friends and some I have not. My friends, I mean an e-mail once or twice a year to catch up on things and check if the other is still alive. My most recent ex? Absolutely impossible. She cheated on me and when I confronted her about it after the breakup, she persisted in lying to my face. She's not the type of person I'd want to have any sort of contact with *unless* she were to come down or call and apologize. I am a forgiving person but sometimes people need to be honest about what they did. I would say that, in most circumstances, remaining friends doesn't happen until far into the future and then it's really just polite formalities and not "real" friendship.
DenverBachelor Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 This is someone you shared your body with and found enough redeeming qualities to continue to do so for a period of time... its one of the biggest connections you can have with anyone on earth. I'm on a long road to recovery but the biggest connection one should have is with himself or herself. After the breakup, that chapter in your life is closed. I just want to quickly get through this next chapter and then upward and onward with things.
Author stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Some ex's I have been friends and some I have not. My friends, I mean an e-mail once or twice a year to catch up on things and check if the other is still alive. My most recent ex? Absolutely impossible. She cheated on me and when I confronted her about it after the breakup, she persisted in lying to my face. She's not the type of person I'd want to have any sort of contact with *unless* she were to come down or call and apologize. I am a forgiving person but sometimes people need to be honest about what they did. I would say that, in most circumstances, remaining friends doesn't happen until far into the future and then it's really just polite formalities and not "real" friendship. I'm inclined to agree and I hate it. I wish that I could have all the "friendly" parts of my R with my ex and be okay with it. Like be able to watch a football game together still, or watch our favorite stupid TV shows. Just have conversations on the phone, b/c he really was a great listener and always very supportive. I hate the idea that the most we may ever have is a text on birthdays or an e-mail once in awhile. Outside of my family and my best friend who died two years ago, he is the most important person in my life. Or was anyway.
red_cloud Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'm on a long road to recovery but the biggest connection one should have is with himself or herself. After the breakup, that chapter in your life is closed. I just want to quickly get through this next chapter and then upward and onward with things. Well.. duh. ONe of the biggest connections you can have with ANOTHER person.
Boundary Problem Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I would say that, in most circumstances, remaining friends doesn't happen until far into the future and then it's really just polite formalities and not "real" friendship. Sometimes I think our ex's know us better than our own family members. There is an intimacy with an ex that does not exist with family. Having said that, the intimacy must be dealt with and that is when is becomes possible or impossible to remain being friends in the future. Most people can't manage the intimacy, so it is easier to cut them out of their life. Which is why nc makes sense.
red_cloud Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 And also like I said it depends on the person. You ex is just a nasty person. I wouldn't want to be friends with her either..
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I hate the idea that the most we may ever have is a text on birthdays... My Birthday is the 30th. I would have bet money that she would send an eMail or text but I'm fairly certain she will not now.
Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yes, I would be friends with an ex provided that they treated me well as a friend and that being with them but not WITH them no longer caused me pain. I find it a little disturbing how people are so quick to throw away ex's. Unless you have the same habit of throwing friends and family members who you don't get along with for some period of time but are later on fine with, then why do this to an ex. This is someone you shared your body with and found enough redeeming qualities to continue to do so for a period of time... its one of the biggest connections you can have with anyone on earth. But obviously, if my ex had treated me badly during the course of the relationship (not counting the breakup because everyone does that) or was just a bad person in general then I would not be friends with them. First of all I don't think everybody was treated badly during their breakup. Secondly you answered your own question. You were intimate with this person you can never be just friends, even if you stay on good terms with them they will never be just your friend, unless you share your body with all your friends. Being naked with someone changes the dynamic forever, even if it’s just a one night stand.
norajane Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'm inclined to agree and I hate it. I wish that I could have all the "friendly" parts of my R with my ex and be okay with it. Like be able to watch a football game together still, or watch our favorite stupid TV shows. Just have conversations on the phone, b/c he really was a great listener and always very supportive. I hate the idea that the most we may ever have is a text on birthdays or an e-mail once in awhile. Outside of my family and my best friend who died two years ago, he is the most important person in my life. Or was anyway. That's just it, though. He will be doing those things with the new woman in his life, not you. SHE will become that person to him, the person he hangs with and has conversations with and listens to and supports, and vice versa. So a friendship with an ex will never be the same kind of friendship you had when you were dating, because you won't be getting that kind attention from him - he'll be giving it to his new gf, and you'll be giving and getting that from your new bf. So the friendship will really only be that occasional catching-up kind of chat or out for coffee, that's it. And you really won't care all that much about having that. And since you'll have someone else in your life to watch football with and whatnot, you won't care that your ex is doing that with someone else. You won't have that hunger you have inside you now to have that same kind of friend relationship with him that you had while dating.
Author stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 That's just it, though. He will be doing those things with the new woman in his life, not you. SHE will become that person to him, the person he hangs with and has conversations with and listens to and supports, and vice versa. So a friendship with an ex will never be the same kind of friendship you had when you were dating, because you won't be getting that kind attention from him - he'll be giving it to his new gf, and you'll be giving and getting that from your new bf. So the friendship will really only be that occasional catching-up kind of chat or out for coffee, that's it. And you really won't care all that much about having that. And since you'll have someone else in your life to watch football with and whatnot, you won't care that your ex is doing that with someone else. You won't have that hunger you have inside you now to have that same kind of friend relationship with him that you had while dating. You're absolutely right, and I hate every part of it!
Arabella Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Did you break up with him? I think that's why I put up with things in my R for so long too -- I knew I would lose him at least for a time if we broke up, but b/c I would be the one who couldn't handle a friendship right off the bat. I think your second paragraph is how my ex feels, but I don't know how it will work out for us... he talks about this older lady at his work who's divorced with children and remarried. She and her exH are best friends, she says. They talk all the time. Says they were best friends, just couldn't be in a R together. I honestly wish that my ex and I could be that way. But I feel like the time it will take us to get to that point emotionally will erase any desire to stay in touch. I tried to break up with him several times but he'd always pull me back. In the end, he was the one who just couldn't handle the relationship and broke things off. I thought it was for the best. Always told him I wanted to keep him in my life no matter what happened... and when it ended, he said we would "talk again some day"... but it doesn't feel like he intends to do that. Since we broke up 10 days ago, I've been missing him like crazy - but I don't miss the relationship. Wish I knew what's going through his mind. Arabella
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