Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I was reading a book the other day that was suggested by someone on this forum. It's called Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Ex by Heather Belle and Michelle Fiordaliso. I ran across this chapter that kind of blew my mind with it's simplicity and truth. It sort of explains why some of us have such a hard time letting go of our past relationships: and I quote: “each friend or {in this case ex} represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ~ Anais Nin" Each ex awakens a new world inside of you, true. Those things maybe there because an ex awakened them - but they belong to you. If you were more sexual, adventurous or safe when you were with an ex, you assign that quality to him/her instead of to your own capacity for love and connection. Falling in love is only partially about the other person. Often you see yourself (and your hidden qualities) reflected in the other person, and you like what you see. This is called projection. Robert Johnson explains it best in his book Balancing Heaven and Earth: “The term projection is used by Jungians to mean that each of us places some quality of our own being onto something or someone else. This psychological process works like a projector in a movie theater: you take something that is within the projection and blow it up onto the screen where you can see it more clearly.” (In other words, your good qualities can get projected onto your ex.) Johnson continues by expressing the importance of taking back that which you projected: “Relationships generally begin with this type of projection, but to be maintained they must evolve into a sustainable human love. The projection of inner gold must be gradually taken back.” If your relationship didn’t grow into a “sustainable human love,” then it’s time to take back those qualities of yours that you associate only with your ex. It’s common to fear that those parts of yourself won’t exist without that person in your life, but that’s not true. Until you believe that for yourself, you keep holding on. You think you’ll be nothing without the mirror that this other person provided. But any traits that an ex helped bring out are yours to keep – whether it’s strength, a side of your sexuality that you never saw, your wit, your boldness. You don’t even need a lawyer to divide these assets. All of them are your.
soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Interesting. My therapist mentioned projection to me. But she used it this way: My ex was very passive, so she may have been drawn to me because I expressed the anger that she never expressed. My ex was calm and patient and loving and nurturing. These are definitely qualities that I look for in a partner, maybe, according to your theory, because I can't find them in myself (but you're saying they are within me?).
Author Ilovecake Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Interesting. My therapist mentioned projection to me. But she used it this way: My ex was very passive, so she may have been drawn to me because I expressed the anger that she never expressed. My ex was calm and patient and loving and nurturing. These are definitely qualities that I look for in a partner, maybe, according to your theory, because I can't find them in myself (but you're saying they are within me?). I think there are probably a thousand ways we project. What I mentioned above is just one of them. What you're talking about is more why you were drawn to that person. I'm talking more about the fears we feel during a breakup and what keeps us pining for the person even though we know they're bad for us. It's sort of saying that we remember the good times and credit our exes with those positive memories when in reality it was us that made those times good. Just because our ex is no longer around doesn't mean that those qualities in us disappeared with him/her they're still within us. Just an interesting concept and kind of a cool way of looking at things. It was definitely eye opening to me.
nobmagnet Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 love it. and yes it is true. I am beginning to turn into the person I was before I met him. strong funny fun loving adventurus giving and happy exciteable. I dont full blame him for me losing sight of these qualities I let my self lose them too. But yes i agree with all my heart it is true. I feel awakened. I feel I have been born again. recapturing the aspects of yourself when you become "one" again is a rediscovery of ones-self. xxx
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