whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I have book marked the site and I will spend some time reading. It at least on a first pass might give me some incite. She is functional and fairly stable. It is the unpredictable outbursts that come from something setting her off that I am really worried about. If you didn't see it I wrote a simple story from today in a post or two above this one. I think it helps explain things. As her husband, you have every right to be involved and active in her mental health counselling. If the meds she's on now aren't working, talk to the Dr WITH her and find a combo of meds that work better for her. Bottomline is this. It sucks to have a spouse who suffers from mental illness. It's a forever thing and won't ever go away, BUT it can be manageable. If you love her and want the marriage, want the family to stay together, do all that you can.. If you can't and it's taking too much out of you, then it's time to think about your options. Many people who are married to spouses who suffer from this kind of illness don't make it, not because of love, but because of the fallout. (Glad you bookmarked that site. There's a forum on it too, so check that out as well..) It takes a strong person to work through it and stick around. Not all are able to handle it nor do they want to. I will say going outside of your marriage isn't the answer.. Better for you to get counselling to help you cope with all of this too.
Author stlblues Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 I am really fighting the NC today. I passed my MOW on the road today. I don't think she saw me, but I saw her. It is killing me to not just make up a reason to send her an email. It is so damn hard. I am resisting, but it is killing me.
White Flower Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Hi new guy! Welcome to LS. It is not often that we see a MM here and it is quite refreshing. First, you sound like a man who is really in love. I'm sorry that it didn't work out with your OW. Lizzie might be right, if you leave your W she may come back for you knowing that you're available. Don't stick by your W just because she is a back up plan because that is not fair to her. Second, your W suffers from depression. If she were medicated and happy, you might see her in a different light. Your whole world could change and you may regret changing anything if you don't get her help now. You should try to make that your focus for now. Not only will you be helping your immediate family, but you may be saving your M and preventing future mistakes. Trust me, I've been posting as an OW for two years so you would think I'm on your side. But, I've been depressed before and I know once your W is treated things could look up for you. If that doesn't work, it's a free for all.
WhereToGoFromHere Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I am really fighting the NC today. I passed my MOW on the road today. I don't think she saw me, but I saw her. It is killing me to not just make up a reason to send her an email. It is so damn hard. I am resisting, but it is killing me. Yeah today's been hard for me too. Fortunately (or not) we don't live close by each other. I'm always watching and hoping to catch a glimpse even though its not likely. Day 15 for me and I'm back to 0.02. Everywhere I look there are triggers that reset my progress, like breathing or opening my eyes. I can't imagine what it would do to me to actually run into her or see her even from a distance. I keep wondering if things are still being hard for her too or if they're getting easier and she's glad to be letting this go. I guess time will tell that eventually. Hang in there dude...
bentnotbroken Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Hi new guy! Welcome to LS. It is not often that we see a MM here and it is quite refreshing. First, you sound like a man who is really in love. I'm sorry that it didn't work out with your OW. Lizzie might be right, if you leave your W she may come back for you knowing that you're available. Don't stick by your W just because she is a back up plan because that is not fair to her. Second, your W suffers from depression. If she were medicated and happy, you might see her in a different light. Your whole world could change and you may regret changing anything if you don't get her help now. You should try to make that your focus for now. Not only will you be helping your immediate family, but you may be saving your M and preventing future mistakes. Trust me, I've been posting as an OW for two years so you would think I'm on your side. But, I've been depressed before and I know once your W is treated things could look up for you. If that doesn't work, it's a free for all. WF is right. Unless you have been in the deep dark places of depression(and I am not maniac, I can only assume that is 10x's worse) you can't possible know the internal fear, turmoil and occasional terror. As a person who has suffered depression for years, I think that I can understand a little of where your wife is coming from. You go through your days afraid of God knows what, angry about nothing and everything at the same time and afraid of the things your mind tell you. You want to reach out to others, you want to let them into your circle, but you fear them hurting you or worse yet....you hurting them. So you push them away. With each push you die a little each time. But some where in your twisted logic you think it is for the best. You never feel good enough, but you put up this persona full of bravado and confidence. Then you go into a room alone and lay on the floor and pray to die. You look at your children and pray they don't turn out like you, wonder how much you are affecting them and wish you could show them how much they truly mean and how sorry you are that you aren't a better mother. You look at your H and wonder how he can stand to be with you and all you want is for him to say I love you and you feel it. What's the problem you say? You could never feel his love or anyone else's because you don't love yourself. You don't like yourself. You don't want to know who you really are because you are afraid of what you will find. Your wife is walking a tight rope, one of life and death. Having 2 children under age five means her body has been through some huge hormonal swings as well as the chemical imbalance. Look everyone on her knows my position and feelings on cheating...in my book it is wrong no matter the circumstances. But in your situation, you need to know there is help out there. You must insist that you and your family entire counseling. You must get outside help. You must tell your wife that you have to protect the children, yourself and her. This will not get better. Until you step up and that doesn't involve cheating. What are my credentials.....I am a mother of 2 who's depression got so bad I planned my own suicide. Mr. Messy(the guy I was married to for 20+ years) He endured a lot from me. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse. There was no way in hell he could have dealt with me on his own without intervention. He chose not to do that. For 20+ years he suffered, our children suffered and I suffered to the point of wanting to die. I prayed for death. When I had surgery, I prayed to die on the table. I don't doubt you feel neglected. You feel as if you are the only one who gives a damn and you have to do everything. You have martyred yourself. What good has it served? You are angry, she is angry. You are afraid of what comes next, she is afraid of what comes next. You feel unloved, she feels unloved. You feel trapped, she feels trapped(inside her own head). You feel as if your options are limited, she feels as if her options are limited. Here in lies your dilemma. It is time you do some real research and self searching. If you can't find it within yourself to see this through(in sickness and health), to get the help for your family that you don't know they need yet, if you can't step outside of the situation and view things through a more objective stance. Things will not eventually even themselves out, they can't. By the way Mr. Messy chose to cheat too. Thank God, I had a good friend who had been through a similar situation and recognized what was happening to me. She got me to a doctor ASAP. I was put on medication, put into intensive counseling and found my way back to God. I am better. I am happier than I can ever remember being in my entire life and I am well over 40. I have learned new coping skills and building a new relationship with my children. I asked forgiveness for the years that they had to watch me self destruct. But guess what, the things I did are only a part of what they saw. They saw their father grow angry and bitter. They watched him lash out at me. They watched him emotionally and mentally abused by him. Then they discovered his A and tried to keep it from me. That was emotionally devastating for them. Trying to protect me and my fragile state and at the same time lying to me by omission(though I don't see it as lying, they loved me). When they finally told me, that was a whole different deal. Anyway, enough about that mess. Just consider what I have said. If you can use some of it to get your family help....great. If you choose not to that's cool too. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Author stlblues Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 You look at your H and wonder how he can stand to be with you and all you want is for him to say I love you and you feel it. What's the problem you say? You could never feel his love or anyone else's because you don't love yourself. You don't like yourself. You don't want to know who you really are because you are afraid of what you will find. Your wife is walking a tight rope, one of life and death. Having 2 children under age five means her body has been through some huge hormonal swings as well as the chemical imbalance. I know she is in a bad way and she had been going to the doctor and has been medicated for a really long time. As long as she takes her medicine she and is not pushed to an extreme she is ok. It is when things go wrong that she seems to go off the deep end. I have understood of it all, and I have for a long time. I don't doubt you feel neglected. You feel as if you are the only one who gives a damn and you have to do everything. You have martyred yourself. What good has it served? I have spent my entire life trying to make everybody around me happy. I do a pretty good job making everything ok. At least for everybody but me, I am left feeling unfulfilled and like nobody cares. That is where my MOW comes into play. She was my friend for so long and she never asked me to do anything to make her happy. When I did do thing, she was always so excited and made me feel appreciated. I am sure that I did the same for her. We both needed that for each other. It still hasn’t changed for me, but she is trying hard to go back to her H. It was the EA over time that eventually lead to the PA. Which has now leads to me being in the fog of lost love. You are angry, she is angry. You are afraid of what comes next, she is afraid of what comes next. You feel unloved, she feels unloved. You feel trapped, she feels trapped(inside her own head). You feel as if your options are limited, she feels as if her options are limited. Here in lies your dilemma. It is time you do some real research and self searching. If you can't find it within yourself to see this through(in sickness and health), to get the help for your family that you don't know they need yet, if you can't step outside of the situation and view things through a more objective stance. Things will not eventually even themselves out, they can't. I really know that I need to do something, but right now I am so mixed up inside. I can barely function, and I sure as heck don’t need to be making a decision like that. I need to be able to get my head clear before I can do that. Maybe going to C is the best plan, but it has been only 3 days of NC and 5 days since MOW’s “D” day. I am going to need some more time to get my feet under me. Anyway, enough about that mess. Just consider what I have said. If you can use some of it to get your family help....great. If you choose not to that's cool too. Take what you can use and leave the rest. I appreciate your help with all of this. Seeing it from my W side a little helps me with getting things under control. I have to keep going and seeing things from all sides. This will require action, but just not now. Thank you all.
Author stlblues Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Yeah today's been hard for me too. Fortunately (or not) we don't live close by each other. I'm always watching and hoping to catch a glimpse even though its not likely. Day 15 for me and I'm back to 0.02. Everywhere I look there are triggers that reset my progress, like breathing or opening my eyes. I can't imagine what it would do to me to actually run into her or see her even from a distance. I keep wondering if things are still being hard for her too or if they're getting easier and she's glad to be letting this go. I guess time will tell that eventually. Hang in there dude... Thanks man, it was ok today. Most of today was really ok, until I went to the office to pick some things up. At some point she had gone back to the plant and left everything that reminded her of me that was in her office on my desk chair. I understand that she was trying to sanitize her office of me and return things that were mine. I just wasn't ready for that, not today. I guess that I would not be ready for that any day. So, I made it back to about as close to zero as I can be again today. Tomorrow might be better, I have to keep holding onto that. Hope your day was better.
bentnotbroken Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Counseling has literally been a life saver for me and for my children. Maybe it will help you as well.
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