FarFetched Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I have finally reached the point where I need to start letting myself heal from this fiasco. The only way I can do that is to go NC with my wife. She started meeting up with a "friend" 8 months into our marriage, then after we were temporarily apart while I started school, she continued to progress their relationship while taking "space" away from me. When I found notes, texts she sent him that suggested she was having an affair, she denied and swore she wouldn't see or talk with him again. The space from me continued, and she went to the concert with that guy the very next day. I realized yesterday that it's not just the lies that make her behavior unacceptable. If the marriage was truly important to her, and her husband finds out she's been talking to another man, even if it IS just friendly (which there's no way in hell it was), she should be happy to cease communication with him...not continue to see him and lie to her husband about it (I caught her in many of these lies, subsequently). She swears she isn't talking to him anymore, and says she wants to work on the marriage. But, she's not willing to move out here yet or take any major steps to fix anything. She sends a few texts throughout the day while she's at work, and that's it. She says she wants me to focus on my finals, but come on. All day off, and all she can do is send me one lousy text message during the afternoon? She says she wants to fix the marriage but she can't even call to wish me a good night/tell me she's thinking about me? I'm not buying it. She hasn't racked up my credit cards, said hateful things toward me, or outwardly admitted that she's seeing somebody else. But, all things considered, it seems clear that she no longer respects our marriage. She hasn't even truly apologized for what I found out she was doing! She was blaming me for all our marital issues and why we weren't having sex, but it was she who was sleeping on the couch every night to talk to this guy. She should be begging me to take her back, and she can't even say she feels bad about what happened. So, I am starting NC with her today. I will basically ignore any contact from her unless she is outwardly apologizing about everything that happened and truly shows she wants to come out and work on our marriage together. Everything else will be fully ignored. I am sure I will feel bad about ignoring messages where she sounds genuinely interested in talking with me, but I need to remember what she did and that she still doesn't recognize she was wrong. I doubt she will ever admit to anything or actually show she is sorry for what happened, because she is the most stubborn person I have ever met. She will likely try to make me feel guilty for ignoring her and try to tell me "Oh, I was willing to work on the marriage, but I guess not since you won't talk to me." (She has done that before). Anyway, I wanted to start this thread to get your thoughts, and also provide a place I can come to when this process gets challenging, as I am sure it will. But, I am definitely looking forward to getting myself improved and growing from this whole mess, as I am certain I will. The next girl who gets to spend time with me, whenever I am ready for that, is going to be a very lucky woman.
Author FarFetched Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 After reading a few other posts on the subject, is totally ignoring a bad idea? Should I just delay my responses?
Author FarFetched Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 ...and so it begins! I just got a text from her saying, "hello hope you have a good day!". She sent me a text yesterday afternoon, and I responded with a follow-up question about it. She didn't respond for eight hours (and she had the day off). I ignored her response last night. Maybe she thinks I'm too busy to talk during finals, but one would think she could at least respond a bit more timely than eight hours later. She says she wants to start communicating more frequently as we "slowly rebuild", but stuff like that makes me doubt her true intentions.
seibert253 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Don't answer, don't call. Cancel any joint CC's or bank accounts. You need to start preparing to move on. She needs to see this. Eventually you will have to talk, but keep it short but sweet. Tell her that in your opinion, what she was, and probably still is, doing is wrong and she's deeply hurt you. Let her know that until she's will to accept this, and do something to begin the healing process, you really don't have anything to say to her. Let her be mad. If she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn't, you're better off without her. There is someone out there who will treat you with the love an respect you deserve. So far she has not.
Kic Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Are your expectations of what you want her to say and do to make things right clear to her? She seems like the type to not accept responsibility, so when you go NC, she ought to know that it is because of this.
Author FarFetched Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 So this "friend" of hers works for the fire department next to the school where my wife works. Apparently the firefighters come over periodically as medical issues arise (it's a school for medically fragile children) and just to visit with the kids. My wife calls me yesterday to tell me her brother is going to go take photographs of the firefighters in their button-down shirts for some city council thing. She wanted to tell me about it and ask if it's okay if she goes with him to introduce him, since her "friend" will be there, she wanted to check with me first. I said, "sure, whatever". Last night, no texts, no calls, nothing. You would think that a woman who is trying to rebuild things with her husband would at least make an attempt to contact him on a Friday night. So, I'm ready to stop responding to her now. I'm debating how to do it: 1. Just go dark without any explanation, ignore any contact from her. 2. Call her quickly and tell her I know she's still seeing the other man, and that I refuse to be disrespected in our marriage any more. That her actions are leading me to file for divorce. then go dark. 3. This "friend" of hers works at the fire department next to the school/healthcare facility my wife works at. The firefighters apparently come over periodically to interact with the kids, etc. I could call his station chief and let him know that one of his firefighters came over and began flirting with my wife, hitting on her, and that they are now having an affair. I could call my wife's work on Monday and tell them something similar. Before I do all this, I could do option #2. What do you all recommend?
curiou Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I would say cut your losses. But hey, I'm cynical. I don't think it is impossible to work on the issues in your marriage. It would be a Herculean task indeed to establish trust between you and your wife when you are physically apart. Husbands and wives in loving relationships need to talk to each other. They like to call each other, tell each other little things, talk about their day, etc. You are anywhere but there. She has already lied to you several times. We're not talking little lies, either. We're talking, hey, this is really pissing me off and hurting my feelings but you're still doing it behind my back kind of lies. Not exactly the foundation for an everlasting union. Do you have children? Complex financial situation? If not, I would say just start the divorce proceedings. Live and let live, walk away in zen-like peace and hold no hard feelings, because you will have both learned from this. If there is any chance she is confused by why you're doing it, you can write her a letter so you won't be sucked back into her deceptions over the phone.
imagine Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Before going dark, you write her a love letter. You explain that her contact is causing you to diminish the love that you have. All messages will go through an intermediary who will pass the essential details, no spam. You state your boundaries -no contact with OM for life and marriage councilling with a reputable firm. Check them out, there are many duds. Be gentle with her in the letter, do not condemn. This is a path to regain marriage and not a mindless revenge tactic. In the meantime, learn how to control yourself as far as causing rifts in your marriage. No angry outbursts, dishonesty, disrespectful judgments or individual activities. Socialize. Hopefully you have already exposed her wayward activities -now stop. All contact to her will be done through your intermediary. This state is called pitch black NC.
Author FarFetched Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 I just called my wife and said the following: "I know you said you want to slowly rebuild things and start communicating more frequently, but what you have been doing isn't going to cut it. Sending a few texts during work, and only calling me once for 5 minutes in the last four days isn't sufficient. When one spouse gets caught doing what I found out, even if you say it happened as you explained, it's up to that person to re-gain the other spouse's trust by being honest, forthright, and fully disclosed. If they respect the marriage, that's what the person needs to do, and you haven't done it. I do not feel honored in this relationship, and it is clear that something continues to go on with the other man and that you are keeping me around as Option B; I refuse to be disrespected like that and deserve much more than what you have been giving me. I think you know I have too high an opinion of myself to accept this treatment any longer. Until you are ready to be transparent, honest, fully disclosed, and ready to start healing from what's happened, I want you to know that I have nothing further to say to you." She sounded like she was holding back tears and said, "okay", and then we hung up.
curiou Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Wow! I am impressed. A word of caution. If you break down at all or show weakness, your words will have meant nothing. You have to back up your strong stance with action. So what are you going to do? Wait and see what happens? Let us know.
Author FarFetched Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Throughout this process, I have sent her messages and had conversations where I said similar things, only to let her back in when she reached out. A couple times, I even reached out to her to ensure she was okay. But, this time is going to be different. I am not reaching out to her, nor will I accept any contact from her outside the type that I outlined in our last conversation above. I am certain that she will never get to this point, however. She seems to be pleased with where her decisions have taken her, and even if she did realize she made a mistake, she lacks the courage to admit to it and move forward. If I am correct and she can't take those steps, then she will never hear from me again.
Author FarFetched Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Well, on Day 2 of NC and not a peep from the STBXW. It's been an emotional day for me, approaching the grieving process where I am starting to accept that this is apparently over. But, I have not been tempted at all to text or call her, which I'm extremely pleased about! I honestly don't expect to hear from her. Does anybody who thinks she will want to place a friendly bet? Trying to have a little fun with this.
Author FarFetched Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 I have been thinking about her alot the last couple days. I have no intention to reach out to her, but part of me really wishes she would reach out to me. Of course, I won't respond unless she is telling me she wants to give this a go.
Kic Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You did well by letting her know what needs to change before going NC. You clearly are aware that the ball is now in her court. This is a time to focus on yourself, socialize with old friends, and spend more time with your favorite hobby. I wouldn't bet with anyone on whether she'll contact you. It's time to dwell less on what she might do. It's time to focus on you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I suggest you file for divorce anyways. I mean no kids, and she was already emotionally cheating on you and plus she's physically seperated from you, giving the more likelihood that she will sleep with someone else. Damn why be married. File for divorce and stay plan b. She sounds immature and makes bad choices. I think you'll be better off without her. Maybe you can work on yourself and be a better person, but maybe, just maybe there will be another female who will love and respect you. I mean you guys are not dating! You are married, and it doesnt sound likes she like being married anyways. whats the point?
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