adiaz Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 STBX and I have been together for 8 years. He is the only man I have been with and even though we are separated, we still share the same home and bed (with our baby in between us). I do so because at the moment, I have nowhere to go, no money besides the $5 in my purse, no green card or family plus, I work for him. Yesterday around 2 am, I wake up to find him on top of me (even though while we were still together, we had sex daily and I did everything he ever wanted) I panicked and wanted him off of me, I wanted to scream but the kids were right there. At first I didn't know what to do. Should I pretend to be still sleeping and hope it would be over soon or just fight him off. I did and at first he wouldn't stop but then he did all the while telling me he loves me and panting like an asswipe. I got up (burning/hurting down there) and went to sleep on the loveseat (the apartment is small) He started apologizing and I told him to get the **** out. He insisted, but then left. This morning, he apologized again saying that he thought I wanted it, that if he knew I was sleeping that if he knew, he wouldn't have done it, etc... I haven't talked to him, since I told him to get the **** out of the small room the loveseat is in. He got mad because I wasn't talking to him and said to me with such attitude "Well make sure you don't mess up this place, I cleaned it." I got angry and told him to leave me alone and he repeats this. Then he tells me to get the baby ready and pack my lunch, he would pick me up for work then he left. I have called for a friend to pick me up. I am gonna try to move into a shelter. I am not angry, I don't even hate him. I just feel so drained and so done with love and relationships. I gave him everything I have.
JackJack Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 May I ask why you all were separated to begin with. I'm sure you are aware a real separation is when two people do not live under the same roof. But I guess I know what you mean, you're separated in mind, until another arrrangement can be made. You said the kids were in the room, and you mentioned a baby. how many kids were in there? How old is the baby? This statement right here that he made to you: "This morning, he apologized again saying that he thought I wanted it, that if he knew I was sleeping that if he knew, he wouldn't have done it, etc." IS BS, I hope you know that.
HarmonyHope Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I think you're right. He's a total creep. Can you afford to keep the apartment on your own? It might be easier if you stay there for the kids than a shelter. You might be able to get a protection from abuse order and have him removed from the apartment if he won't go willingly. But you two really need to seperate for real, somehow, ASAP. BTW, I am Really disturbed that he'd do this in front of the kids. Please please get away from this man.
angie2443 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 BTW, I am Really disturbed that he'd do this in front of the kids. Please please get away from this man. The man has a unhealthy lack of bounderies. Adiaz, please find a way to get you and the kids away from him.
Author adiaz Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) @Jack, even though we share the same living space (I spent a week at a GF's prior to this and just came back yesterday) We are totally separated since i don't even touch him. and I know that everything he said specially I didn't know you were sleeping since you didn't resist (it was 2 in the morning, lol) did it for me. @Harmony the kids are 2 and 4 and they were asleep. They didn't notice anything. While we were away, the kids were so happy, my son was always telling me that he was staying with me that he wants to stay with mommy. Since we came back last night, he keeps asking if I am happy or mad and of course I lie to him. The baby was usually angry and kinda violent but while we were away he was so different and now he is back to being frustrated. @Angie He does and I am trying hard to get away and I will. Edited December 4, 2009 by adiaz
Lizzie60 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 STBX and I have been together for 8 years. He is the only man I have been with and even though we are separated, we still share the same home and bed (with our baby in between us). I do so because at the moment, I have nowhere to go, no money besides the $5 in my purse, no green card or family plus, I work for him. Yesterday around 2 am, I wake up to find him on top of me (even though while we were still together, we had sex daily and I did everything he ever wanted) I panicked and wanted him off of me, I wanted to scream but the kids were right there. At first I didn't know what to do. Should I pretend to be still sleeping and hope it would be over soon or just fight him off. I did and at first he wouldn't stop but then he did all the while telling me he loves me and panting like an asswipe. I got up (burning/hurting down there) and went to sleep on the loveseat (the apartment is small) He started apologizing and I told him to get the **** out. He insisted, but then left. This morning, he apologized again saying that he thought I wanted it, that if he knew I was sleeping that if he knew, he wouldn't have done it, etc... I haven't talked to him, since I told him to get the **** out of the small room the loveseat is in. He got mad because I wasn't talking to him and said to me with such attitude "Well make sure you don't mess up this place, I cleaned it." I got angry and told him to leave me alone and he repeats this. Then he tells me to get the baby ready and pack my lunch, he would pick me up for work then he left. I have called for a friend to pick me up. I am gonna try to move into a shelter. I am not angry, I don't even hate him. I just feel so drained and so done with love and relationships. I gave him everything I have. Hummm.. methink it would not be considered rape.. you said you had sex daily.. you share the same bed.. and from your post, I doubt you're even 'separated' legally (with papers)... so for a judge.. it would be your word against his.. and since nothing is legal.. he would win this. Pack your bags and leave.. simple as that..
JackJack Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well since it was something unwanted by you and he took it upon himself to do and then pretended to not know you had been asleep etc, he did what he wanted, he disrespected you and the kids, by treating you the way he has. I hope you are able to get away from him. You and your kids deserve better.
frozensprouts Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) tis guy had no right to do this to you- a woman ( or a man) ALWAYS has the right to say "NO", and if he doesn't like that, well, hard cheese.I don't care if you are married, separated, divorced, single or whatever- he has no 'right' to sex from you without your consent. It sounds like you are feeling stuck there because of various factors( money, citizenship, etc.) Don't let him do this to you! There are not for profit organizations out there who will help you. My first suggestion is to call an anonomys "crisis line' and explain to them what happened and why yu feel trapped. They should be able to point you towards organizations in your comunity that can help you and your child to leave. I know it's hard to leave when yu feel like you have no place to go, but tehre should be a shelter in your area that can help- can you try giving them a call? don't be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help- after all, these shelters have heard and seen just about everything under the sun- you are not alone, and there may even be someone there who went through the same type of situation as you- let them help you. Best of luck to you! Edited December 4, 2009 by frozensprouts
Author adiaz Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Hummm.. methink it would not be considered rape.. you said you had sex daily.. you share the same bed.. and from your post, I doubt you're even 'separated' legally (with papers)... so for a judge.. it would be your word against his.. and since nothing is legal.. he would win this. Pack your bags and leave.. simple as that.. Lizzy methink you have no clue what you are talking about. I am not looking to press charges and don't care much about winning anything. We have not have been having sex daily since I told him that it was over and he said he was moving out since he knows my situation but never did. And if it was as simple as packing my bags and leaving, I wouldn't need you to tell me so. This isn't about what the law can do for me but how I feel, how the man who says he loves me can do this to me (turn me over in my sleep, spread my legs and penetrate me then pretend that he thought I was awake even though I NEVER let him touch me or touch him) Regardless, even if we were married and having sex 40x a day, I have the right to say no and not wake up in the middle of the night with a dick probing me and hands touching me. We all have those rights!!!!! Maybe you need to reread what I wrote?
Lizzie60 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well.. my point is... if you are not legally separated.. then you're not separated.. you can put it anyway you want.. it's not a legal separation. Plus from what I read... you could have pushed him and get out of the bed.. I got the feeling you didn't resist too much... It's easy to say that he 'raped' you .. that he's this and that... blablabla.. I answer based on the feeling I get from the posts.. It wasn't rape.. plus if you really think it was.. then press charges...period.
EnigmasMuse Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 The bottom line is, its not something you wanted and he rolled your over and did what HE wanted. Yes, its a big disrespect. Hang in there, and do what you feel you need to do for yourself and the kids.
angie2443 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well.. my point is... if you are not legally separated.. then you're not separated.. you can put it anyway you want.. it's not a legal separation. Plus from what I read... you could have pushed him and get out of the bed.. I got the feeling you didn't resist too much... It's easy to say that he 'raped' you .. that he's this and that... blablabla.. I answer based on the feeling I get from the posts.. It wasn't rape.. plus if you really think it was.. then press charges...period. I find your thinking here a little disturbing. I agree, that in a court of law, this most likely wouldn't be considered rape. At the same time, it is very dangerous for a man to think that he owns a woman's body. By just sticking it in, he is making a statement that his wife's body is his property. If you don't think this disturbing, consider this- a man who thinks he owns his wife's body, feels he owns his children in the same way.
Author adiaz Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Well.. my point is... if you are not legally separated.. then you're not separated.. you can put it anyway you want.. it's not a legal separation. Plus from what I read... you could have pushed him and get out of the bed.. I got the feeling you didn't resist too much... It's easy to say that he 'raped' you .. that he's this and that... blablabla.. I answer based on the feeling I get from the posts.. It wasn't rape.. plus if you really think it was.. then press charges...period. Lizzie, with all due respect, you can go fuq yourself. This man is 210 pounds, 6'3 (I am 130, 5'9), works out daily and is a blackbelt in Karate. When he lays on top of me, I can't even breathe. What the hell are you talking about I didn't resist too much??? I hope you find out what it is like someday, then you can talk to me about resisting. Edited December 4, 2009 by adiaz
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Pack your stuff and go to a woman's shelter. What he did was wrong and HE knows it. At 2am, he made a move on you while you were sleeping..For him to turn it around on you or make it seem like you wanted it, is just crazy! He is crazy! Sorry that you had to go through that.
elaina Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) Lizzy methink you have no clue what you are talking about. I am not looking to press charges and don't care much about winning anything. We have not have been having sex daily since I told him that it was over and he said he was moving out since he knows my situation but never did. And if it was as simple as packing my bags and leaving, I wouldn't need you to tell me so. This isn't about what the law can do for me but how I feel, how the man who says he loves me can do this to me (turn me over in my sleep, spread my legs and penetrate me then pretend that he thought I was awake even though I NEVER let him touch me or touch him) Regardless, even if we were married and having sex 40x a day, I have the right to say no and not wake up in the middle of the night with a dick probing me and hands touching me. We all have those rights!!!!! Maybe you need to reread what I wrote? Adiaz, There is such a thing as rape in a marriage. I don't think it was recognized long time ago, but now it is. At a shelter, you can testify about that. I think it is also a question they ask if you want to get a restraining order. I don't know this by experience, but I helped translate for a friend who was abused by her husband and I think they ask a question as to that. You are right that you have the right for him not to do that if that's not what you want. I always liked being woken up that way, but that's when I was in love and no time was a wrong time. You obviously do not want to be married to him anymore, so it is rape that he forces you when you don't want to have relations. Even if you wanted to stay in the marriage, that is still considered a certain form of rape (I forgot the exact wording). So, please let the counselor at the shelter know. Also, even though you don't have a green card, I think women's shelters aren't supposed to ask about a woman's legal status, and I think some of them help women to get a legal status. I don't know for certain though. Edited December 6, 2009 by elaina
Enema Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yesterday around 2 am, I wake up to find him on top of me (even though while we were still together, we had sex daily and I did everything he ever wanted) I panicked and wanted him off of me, I wanted to scream but the kids were right there. At first I didn't know what to do. Should I pretend to be still sleeping and hope it would be over soon or just fight him off. I did and at first he wouldn't stop but then he did all the while telling me he loves me and panting like an asswipe. To recap your post: - You wake up and he's sexing you - You didn't do anything for a while, just let him keep going - Then, you fought him off - He kept going for a little, but then he stopped - He then said sorry, told you he loves you and thought you wanted it That about right?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 To recap your post: - You wake up and he's sexing you - You didn't do anything for a while, just let him keep going - Then, you fought him off - He kept going for a little, but then he stopped - He then said sorry, told you he loves you and thought you wanted it That about right? Wow, I read that totally different. (full disclosure: I'm the one who shredded her H's balls when this happened to me) She woke up, he's sexing her. She comprehends this. She fights him off. He finishes and gets off of her. OP, I hope you are safe now. IF something like this ever happens to you again, grab his nuts and squeeze as hard as you can, pull him off of you and the bed by his nuts, and while he's pleading for you to please let go, tell him to never, ever, pull that crap again. Sends a very clear message.
PandorasBox Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 To the OP, how are you doing? Did you leave? BTW, I think some people think rape means to force themselves upon another in a hard physical force, to where you can't get away at all, and that its brutal. It is and can be, but there are other subtle ways of rape. I think some people only see it one way though. So if you felt he did, because it was unwanted by you then it was. Plus, I understood you panicked as well and kind of froze up. Some people here would probably tell you exactly what they would do in that situation or what YOU should have done, but the thing is, no one really knows what they might would have done unless they were in that situation. Besides, even if they did, what one person might do, another might not. I hope you are ok.
JerseyShortie Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm a little disturbed on what people think rape is or what they think rape isn't. When you are a female and you wake up and find a man ontop of you, inside you, uninvited since there is no way humanly possible to consent to sex when you are not even conscious, and you ask them to stop and they don't, it doesn't matter if he is your husband, priest or the president of the united states. That's rape folks. Look it up in the law books. There is no law that says "it's only rape when it's not your husband". Infact, most sex crimes committed against women are sexcrimes commited by men they know or have intimate relationships with. Which is really sad. :/ adiaz, my heart totally breaks for your situation. But I think it's great that you are going to get yourself to a shealter. There are lots of good people there that will be happy to help you. And you could already see the difference in your kids when they were in the situation that was bad and when they weren't. Going to a shealter and I am sure all the hard work it is going to take to survive will be the best gift, and a priceless one you can give to your kids. Best of luck. My prayers are with you.
torranceshipman Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm a little disturbed on what people think rape is or what they think rape isn't. When you are a female and you wake up and find a man ontop of you, inside you, uninvited since there is no way humanly possible to consent to sex when you are not even conscious, and you ask them to stop and they don't, it doesn't matter if he is your husband, priest or the president of the united states. That's rape folks. Look it up in the law books. There is no law that says "it's only rape when it's not your husband". Infact, most sex crimes committed against women are sexcrimes commited by men they know or have intimate relationships with. Which is really sad. :/ adiaz, my heart totally breaks for your situation. But I think it's great that you are going to get yourself to a shealter. There are lots of good people there that will be happy to help you. And you could already see the difference in your kids when they were in the situation that was bad and when they weren't. Going to a shealter and I am sure all the hard work it is going to take to survive will be the best gift, and a priceless one you can give to your kids. Best of luck. My prayers are with you. I second this 100% and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise - sex without consent is rape according to the law books, husband or not. The immediate decision to fight him off/not fight him off makes no difference to this conceptualization - firstly, however you reacted, you did not consent in the 1st place, and 2nd, as you said, you were shocked and also considered the children first in your reaction and so didn't immediately try to throw him off (don't let any poster make you feel as if you should have done anything differently). I hope you're safe and can get away from this situation.
bean1 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) OP I'm sorry you went through that. I experienced it as well when I was about 19 (I'm 26 now) and I will never forget it. At the time I was so young & naive I didn't realize how awful it really was, but looking back, it really disturbed me and it IS sexual assault. It is so violating and I hope no woman ever experiences it. Get away from this person! I never told a single soul, not even my (now) husband! In fact, you are the first person. I don't know, I'm probably going to take this one to the grave. Edited December 9, 2009 by bean1
Jersey Shortie Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Bean, why haven't you told your husband?
bean1 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Bean, why haven't you told your husband? I'm not really sure. It happened many years before I met my H and I just don't want it to come up and change anything my life because I am in a good place now. Like most victims, I guess I just want it to "never exist".
Jersey Shortie Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I can understand that. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you're in a good place now.
harmfulsweetz Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 It's rape, plain and simple. You didn't consent and so it is rape. You must get to a shelter asap, or to a friends house. If you didn't consent, it doesn't matter who he is, it's rape. People often do link rape with brutality, it often isn't, and that is why it can be so confusing, and be so hard to actually have the law do anything about it. Lizzie is right on that point, the weight of evidence wouldn't stand in court, yet don't let that keep you a moment longer in that apartment, near him. Dirty, dirty, disgusting creature.
Recommended Posts