Gem1212 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Hi. I have been married for almost 11 months now and I must admit its not rosy at all, considering everyone expects us to still be in the honeymoon phase. I didnt know my husband that long before we got married and we never really dated either. He is a very emotional and complex person due to his way of growing up as a child. His parents got divorced when he was very young and his parents werent very good role models to him. My issue is when we have problems we never actually sort it out. We will argue and he would sulk for days and not speak to me. No matter how much I try to communicate with him, he just sulks and is misrable. This really frustrates me. Its a continious thing that happens all the time, no matter how big or small the issue is, he still reacts the same way. I feel I cant even tell him how I feel cos of the sulking that he'd do. I just have to keep everything botteled up inside and I know thats not healthy to do. I feel so stressed out, I have moved to a different city after we got married (for him) and dont have any family or real close friends here. I have started a stressful job a few months ago and I feel like I have no support in my life right now. I have tried telling people about my situation but they dont seem to understand cos they dont know my husband very well. He has the tendency of looking for attention and giving advice to people and being involved in other people's lives, its so ironic cos he cant even see to his own priorities. He would sit on facebook and God knows where else to 'make' friends cos with them he can at at least pretend to be somebody that he's not. I do think he has a psychological issue tho, he wants to belong somewhere cos he never had that when growing up. In a way I feel sad for him cos fortunately I couldnt have asked for a better childhood myself. We werent even intimate for 2 months and that just puts the cherry on the cake. I dont know what to do, I feel so lonely and helpless. Gem....
blair08 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'll never really understand why people get married without really knowing much about the other person. Entering in a marriage is usually a serious thing for most people. So with that being said, have you suggested some counseling for him? It doesn't seem he learned communication skills, he learned how to sulk and withdraw and yes that's part of what he learned from his environment. It can be unlearned though, but not overnight. If you want to stay in the marriage you might want to seek some counseling for yourself as well. Someone to help better guide you, and give you some suggestions on how you need to handle things. I understand most people have issues or some kind of baggage from the past, but I will tell you unless its worked on and helped to learn to deal with things better, it will NOT get better.
JackJack Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 He needs some outside help, to learn to deal with his past. Until he gets that, your situation will continue to suffer. The real question is, what do YOU want to do?
dazzle22 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I think you married my ex husband's twin.. Everything you say about the way he behaves is all too familiar to me. The other posters are so right. What are you going to do, because let me tell you, this is who he is, and nothing you do to help him will change him. I spent 25 years with my ex, he wore me out, and I finally couldn't take it any more. My ex did not show me this dark side till after we married, but I like you, did not know him well enough. Young and stupid. He has to see for himself and do some long hard psychological work and that can't happen without years with a good therapist. He grew up in emotional deprivation and the way he protected himself was to withdraw and use emotional blackmail. (the sulking). I can certainly see why he picked you...but why did you pick him.? Are you "A Woman who loves too much".? (Greaaat book.) I WAS...
Lonestar Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Maybe he talks to people on facebook, instead of you, because they understand his background and you don't. Maybe he doesn't feel safe talking to you. Has he ever tried? Did you respond with a "get over it" attitude or act uninterested? He obviously needs someone to hear him out and listen to his pain, which is why he's talking to other people instead of you. Try listening to him and caring about what he went through and see if that opens him up.
dazzle22 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I think LoneStar's advice is great and just what a marriage needs, if you are dealing with someone who is not very emotionally ill and pathologically needy. I also moved with my husband to a city I didn't like, because he just "couldn't be happy where we were", he went on endlessly about his deprivation in childhood, (which really wasn't that terrible- I know his parents and mine are just as dysfunctional). He would go into terrible funks over minor things, and then he started seeking out others as well, because "you just can't give me everything I need,...she gives me something you can't.." He also escaped by delving into other's problems but never looked at his own..he became a psychologist!! The poster said, I actually feel a bit sad for him..exactly..that is why they pick women like us...we start to caretake them, cover for them, listen to all their endless woes, and trust me, they are endless... By the end of my marriage I was worn out. He stopped working because he just wasn't "fulfilled anymore" and tried one thing after another, but never followed through. He was a "great vortex of endless need." Hope this isn't your husband, but your story sounds soooo familiar....
Author Gem1212 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 Thank you all for your advice and comments, its good to know that their are people out there that actually understand what I'm going through. I have spoken to him about going for help but he just got angry and told me I needed to go!! I really want to help him but I have realised that he can only help himself and I'm just there to support him. The reason, I think, he talks to other people is not cos they understand him but cos he can escape who he is and make himself likeable to the rest of the world. These people dont even know who he really is and the emotional baggage he has, they dont even know him at all! He just seeks attention all the time (and its not like I dont give him any). I just feel that he is so selfish sometimes where my feelings are concerned cos he just doesnt care how I hurt at times and he doesnt even do anything to make me feel any better. He has been open with me in the past, before we got married about everything in his life and I guess I was stupid to think that he has actually changed. I guess I wanted to believe in him and give him the benefit of the doubt. I actually still do but not at the cost of my feelings taking the backseat all the time for him. I dont want to consider and be sensitive towards his feelings all the time and my feelings just get chucked out the window. I do love him very much and I really want this to work but sometimes love doesnt conquer all.
JackJack Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 You're right you can't help him, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. Its hard to sit back and watch a person we love and care about not get help or continue down a road of anger, depression and self destruction. In the mean time until he decide what he is going to do, (which who knows if or when that may be), you need to think about how is best to take care of yourself. What it is YOU need to do for you and how the best way to handle this is. I would suggest YOU going to some individual counseling so they can provide some suggestions for you.
PandorasBox Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I'm not sure what you mean by he is talking to other people. WHO is he talking to? "We will argue for days and he wil sulk and not speak to me for days." I suppose maybe he has learned to give you the silent treatment (which is a form of abuse and punishment) google it. "Its a continuas thing that happens all the time, no matter how big or small the issue is, he still reacts the same way." And chances are, until he decides to get some kind of help and learn better communication skills, he will continue to react in the same way. "Has has the tendency of looking for attention and giving advice and being involved in other people's lives, its so ironic cos he can't even see to his own priorities." That's probably because he is trying to avoid working on things within himself at all cost. Its easier for him to pay attention to other people's lives and give them advice than to try to deal with his own matters. He is being avoidant. Have you by chance ever seen these conversations he has with other people, and what they talk about and what kind advice he is giving them? I understand you're frustrated. Anytime another person has depression or anger issues or whatever, it DOES effect loved ones, family/friends etc. I say go to a counselor, tell them what you've told us here and ask them how they can help YOU, and what YOU should be doing to make sure you do not lose yourself in trying to help him so much. I'm not sayig you can't or shouldn't be there for him, BUT he has to worrry about himself. Do not go in expecting they will tell you how YOU can help him, or how to change him and what he should be doing, because that's not going to happen. YOU need to seek advice for YOU about YOU and how YOU need to handle things. Good luck.
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