rp123 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Over 80+ days NC. ( a couple of breadcrumbs on her part....) she's met someone new... I do feel better, then trend is definitely up. But as I improve I feel compelled to torture myself with thoughts of her, and her perfect new life. I concoct painful images in my mind that I know will hurt me, as if I'm addicted to the pain. By hurting myself I keep the relationship alive. Its become habitual.... Whats stopping me from just letting go, and getting over this crap. I want my mental and emotional freedom back. But I prevent myself from truly detaching . Why these masochistic behaviours? What is the key to just FULLY letting go? How is it done...?
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 But as I improve I feel compelled to torture myself with thoughts of her, and her perfect new life. I have done this all too often as well (and was treated to actually seeing pictures of the ex and her new beau). I have made strides in most areas (weight, drinking, habits). Not 'gazelle running from cheetah' strides, more like 'frog leaps from one pad to another'. I know this is going to sound crazy but this is something I have done lately. While I don't feel I am quite ready to date, I opened a match.com account... I have picked a few I have found attractive, read their profile, and imagined what life would be like with them. You would be surprised how your mood changes. My point for you is, instead of imagining what her life is like, start imagining yours. While ultimatly you need to be able to be happy with just you, I cant dismiss what a pleasant emotional vacation this has been for me. The odd thing for me, I have not chosen anyone that looks like my ex.
soheartbroken Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Over 80+ days NC. ( a couple of breadcrumbs on her part....) she's met someone new... I do feel better, then trend is definitely up. But as I improve I feel compelled to torture myself with thoughts of her, and her perfect new life. I concoct painful images in my mind that I know will hurt me, as if I'm addicted to the pain. By hurting myself I keep the relationship alive. Its become habitual.... Whats stopping me from just letting go, and getting over this crap. I want my mental and emotional freedom back. But I prevent myself from truly detaching . Why these masochistic behaviours? What is the key to just FULLY letting go? How is it done...? Yes and no to the question "am I afraid of being over it". On the one hand, your brain is probably screaming at you that it want's to be done hurting already! But on the other hand, subconsciously perhaps, you are not ready to let go. I think that's okay. Unless you're TaraMaiden (jab, jab), I don't believe there is an easy answer to how fully letting go is done. My belief is that it happens gradually. You've raised an interesting question though. I just started getting into this with my therapist at the end of our last session. He said part of me wants to fall apart and stay fallen apart because it's a child-like behaviour. The old, "I'll show you guys" type thing. Remember when you were young and you told your parents you would run away and never come back? That type of thing, where you want to stay broken because you want to let others know that they've hurt you deeply. Anyway, this may be a poor explanation. Didn't fully get into it in therapy. But something about it did resonate with me.
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Unless you're TaraMaiden (jab, jab), I don't believe there is an easy answer to how fully letting go is done. My belief is that it happens gradually. Now you've done it... Edited December 4, 2009 by sean1970
almostpassedit Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 don't feel bad, it took me almost 20 months to get over my relationship. still not over it but hey atleast i'm looking forward to the future now
sean1970 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 it took me almost 20 months to get over my relationship. wow... 20 months...
GrayClouds Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Over 80+ days NC. ( a couple of breadcrumbs on her part....) What is the key to just FULLY letting go? How is it done...? As a respected friend who rides a strong horse and speaks with a mighty voice, would say that when your concocting, STOP. Stop yourself and focus on what your doing well. Your playing that game because your finding it fun to, if it is not fun, stop playing. If your driving down a road that is leading you to the wrong place, do you keep driving? No you stop the car. Take a left, take a right, turn it around, and drive in a new direction. Right now you head is a 18 wheeler Mack truck, so it going to take some time to do so, but with mindful practice you will find your Dr. Ing Ferdinand Porsche reborn driving a new 911 GT3 RS. Mind you, I maybe out of my 18 Wheeler Peterbuilt, but still chugging away in a rusty 1987 Bonneville sedan. I am far away from my Porsche, but increasing eyeing a late model Celica...it does takes time and practice.
Author rp123 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Love the analogy GC..... Kind of afraid to leave the pain behind. Its become a constant in my life for the last 4+ months. Its what I used to waking up to. When its not there I create it myself. I'm finding that the images I create in my mind of late, need to be more graphic and catastrophic in order for me to receive the same dose of pain. I'm saying goodbye in spite of myself. Although I long to be free of this pain, I kind of find a distorted comfort in it too... What a ride this experience this has been....I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, but strangely I wouldn't be without it now. If I had the opportunity of erasing it I wouldn't. I will never look at life with the same eye again. The suffering has changed all that. In losing all I loved so much, I have found the beginnings of myself....
saams Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 The best way of getting over it is simply meeting someone else. Time will heal your wounds but finding someone else is much quicker. even if it's just for the sex. go out and live your life.. stop thinking about your miserable existance and do something.
soheartbroken Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 The best way of getting over it is simply meeting someone else. Time will heal your wounds but finding someone else is much quicker. even if it's just for the sex. go out and live your life.. stop thinking about your miserable existance and do something. Hmmm. Stated so simply and concisely, yet manages to offend all of my philosophies throughout this ordeal.
saams Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Hmmm. Stated so simply and concisely, yet manages to offend all of my philosophies throughout this ordeal. You'll get over it..
bluestraps Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Its been 80 days for me also. We all think there may be a chance that they will come back or their new relationship will fail. At some point the pain will go away and it will feel like just another ex I still have hope for another go around I hope
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Love the analogy GC..... Kind of afraid to leave the pain behind. In losing all I loved so much, I have found the beginnings of myself.... Here is a golden oldy of my own (it proves that even a blind squirrel occasionally can find a nut): Recalcitrant Inlightenment?????? I was reading through some threads, one in particular. Like many on this side of the river of tears, it is another golden old heartbreak hymn. It runs for more then double digit pages where other original poster show little real healing throughout the thread. I thought about some of my own threads. In essences, they consist of a combination of cathartic cleansing of grief, muddling in misery, and some good old self indigent poor poor pitiful me. These threads were wonderfully meet with understanding and grace by some surprisingly supportive strangers. But most of them show very little healing happen too. They were also been met with a few slams in the nutsack, smack on the head with velvet hammers of honesty challenging me to let it go and move on. I want to be just can find the way. I think might be understanding why? (this is where I bring it all home, thanks for your patient) We know the hurt, we don't know the other side of the healing so we hold on to what we know. Subconsciously, we feel if we wait in pain long enough it will be rewarded with something good. If we give it up we wont get the treat that we deserve for our effort. While occasionally a good thing happens while we are in this state, like an EX come back. But that is despite the pain not because of it. Often we just extend the pain and we are left to wish, hoping and hurting. In reality the vast majority of the time we don't get our just treat for holding on to the hurt. Good things do not happen for it. On the flip side. everyone who has let go of it has had good things happen. It can be that the EX came back, more likely something even better. There is no real rewards for holding on to the hurt, even if everything internal is telling us differently. I think I am on to something...or maybe I am just on something:rolleyes: In losing all I loved so much, I have found the beginnings of myself.... Yes that is genius, you just step out of the Mack truck into at least a 71 Cadillac De Ville needing new shocks and muffler, And as you focus less on the pain and find that person in process your will love someone that will never leave you.
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