and the guilt comes rushing in.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Its been almost 3 months since dday. Its been a very very hard road. I've dealt with the destruction of my marriage, being thrown under the bus, the constant contact from a man who claims NC.

 

ive struggled every day to force myself back to my marriage, which in my head is was ive always wanted while at the same time trying to get over another man who i loved for 3 years.

 

suddenly its like i woke up today and the pain seems different. my H and I have been on the verge of separation. hes angry, very very angry and mean. it almost seems like its the best for us not to be together.

 

but now i find myself looking past all of this anger and frustration. i remember who he was before my affair. my heart is aching that ive hurt this man so much. my marriage is now a struggle, only because ive made it that way. my husband, who was once so perfect is now tough, hard and difficult because of my actions.

 

and although ive felt guilty for what ive done before, tonight i feel overwhelmed by my actions and what ive done to him, our family and our marriage. im not sure why now, or why suddenly its stronger than before. but its there.

 

i wrote xmm a NC letter a few days ago. its only made him come back stronger. but now it makes me feel just sick. my H is the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally. this xmm. he has hurt me more than words could describe. something my h would never do, because he doesnt have it in him.

 

im not sure why now. why i feel so terrible about what ive done. im afraid its too late, and even if its not ive damaged this poor, sweet soul who has never done anything but love me.

 

just putting my feelings out there....has anyone else been there?

[Chrome Barracuda]

yeah, i was there once in your husband's shoes... but wasnt married, just dating. and long story short, I had a chance to sleep with an exe's best friend.

 

....I didnt.

 

You are feeling remorse, not just guilt, that is good. You keep digging and working on yourself.

 

Give it time for you to understand why you chose to make such bad choices. and what can you do to make yourself a better person.

[Bryanp]

I think you should show your husband what you have written here. Maybe it will help him a little bit to get over the pain.

[Spark1111]

MBEG, (((((hugs))))

 

I am your husband, and you are my WS.

 

This is what is commonly known as rising out of the affair fog. Do you understand what it is now?

 

The rose-colored affair goggles are slipping off, and you are seeing things as they really are/were all along.

 

Fasten your seat belt. Remorse is a powerful emotion and the first step in your recovery.

 

Are you in MC? Please say yes! You and your husband will both need skills to navigate through this stage. He has every right to be angry, but he needs to control his meanness, as I had to, so that the marriage does not blow apart now.

 

Communication and respect towards each other is paramount now.

 

Anger and punishment grows counterproductive in reconciling.

[bentnotbroken]

What both previous posters said. You now know the difference between regret and remorse. It is a big difference isn't it? What you now have is the clay to mold something new. Show your H this letter. Talk with him. Tell him all you are feeling. Lay it at his feel Show him your willingness to not only accept his anger(not abuse though) and work on the things that your marriage to this point.

[allhopelost]

I believe my WW is feeling as you are (2 months out for us).

In my IC, it was discussed how during the A there is a warped sense of reality, i.e. the fog, and it can prohibit one from feeling their true feelings, recognizing the impact of their actions on others, as well as themselves. I am an understanding man, a compassionate man, and a faithful, committed H and even though we (as BS's) feel the overwhelming pain of betrayal, it cannot be as painful as the remorse/regret felt by the WS, if they truly come to the realization that they made the worst mistake in their lives and that they truly and unconditionally love their BS. What pain that must be, knowing that WS risked everything that means anything to WS, and know that if they lose it all it is because of their own actions.

 

I am happy for you in that you are feeling the fog lift, as it sounds to me like you and your marriage are worth fighting for. Good luck and blessings.

 

Lyrics to Watch Over You (Alter Bridge) :

 

Leaves are on the ground

Fall has come

Blue skies turning grey

Like my love

I try to carry you

And make you whole

But it was never enough

I must go

 

And who is gonna save you when I'm gone

And who'll watch over you

When I'm gone?

 

You say you care for me

But hide it well

How can you love someone not yourself?

 

And who is gonna save you when I'm gone

And who'll watch over you

 

And when I'm gone who will break your fall

And Fan your flame

I can't go on let you lose it all Its more then I can take

Who'll ease your pain

Ease your pain?

 

And who is gonna save you when I'm gone

And who'll watch over you

And I will give you strength when you're not strong

Who'll watch over you when I'm gone away

 

Snow is on the ground

Winter's come

You long to hear my voice

But I'm long gone

Edited December 4, 2009 by allhopelost

[wheelwright]

Hi MBEG

 

I was just thinking how things in my M are not the same now, because I had an affair. And it made me sad and remorseful.

 

My H went through a mean patch, but it didn't last long. However, his stress response is way shorter than it used to be with the kids, and with me to a degree. I hate to see that. But I use my imagination to picture how things might be in a year or two, and I think it will get better.

 

He is a sweet, caring man. And things have calmed down a lot and he is mainly sweet again now. It may be harder for your H as xMM is still hovering in the background of your life. Must be a big trigger.

 

Don't despair now. There were times I felt like this, but we got through it.

 

Be sweet to him, and one day he'll probably return it once again. At least you have to hope that. This is probably just a patch. I hope it gets better soon.

[Jerseyboy.]

I think what people dont really comprehend is how much pain you have put him through. You can reason what you imagine he must be feeling like, but you really have no idea. You arent feeling it yourself.

 

I dont hold any animousity towards you, but I hope your husband finds someone more deserving of, and careful with, his feelings. Clearly that isnt you.

 

What you have done to him, and taken from him, cant ever really be replaced.

[Jerseyboy.]

Hi MBEG

 

I was just thinking how things in my M are not the same now, because I had an affair. And it made me sad and remorseful.

 

My H went through a mean patch, but it didn't last long. However, his stress response is way shorter than it used to be with the kids, and with me to a degree. I hate to see that. But I use my imagination to picture how things might be in a year or two, and I think it will get better.

 

He is a sweet, caring man. And things have calmed down a lot and he is mainly sweet again now. It may be harder for your H as xMM is still hovering in the background of your life. Must be a big trigger.

 

Don't despair now. There were times I felt like this, but we got through it.

 

Be sweet to him, and one day he'll probably return it once again. At least you have to hope that. This is probably just a patch. I hope it gets better soon.

 

 

Sorry, but you didnt get through anything.

 

He did, without you.

 

Your minor inconveniences of waiting for him to do so, and oh dear putting up with some of his behavior while he did, is in no way comparable.

[JamesM]

MBEG, sending you hugs because I think I understand your pain.

 

I disagree with those that say you cannot stay with your H because you no longer deserve him. It may be true that you have hurt him deeply, but that does not mean that your marriage cannot be rebuilt. I have seen it done.

 

You are showing the genuine remorse that is necessary. It is not a remorse due to being caught. It is not a selfish remorse. It is a remorse because of what you did to him.

 

I think it is up to him as to how he handles it.

 

His pain can not be erased. His toughness is the cover he uses. It is possible that he may never open up again, but you can help him trust you by showing complete openness about your feelings of remorse and guilt. You can show him that you will do whatever he wants to prove that you would like to start over.

 

And he and you will need to solve the issues that brought you to seeking out/falling into an affair. Usually, these issues are not one sided. Unfortunately, he may have to examine why you chose another man and examine what he may have done to "help" put you in that situation...if he did.

[whichwayisup]

I think you realized no matter what you do or don't do reguarding the exMM it makes no difference. HE (exMM) is in it for himself, whether or not he's playing a game, getting an ego feed or likes to see you suffer - Doesn't matter.. At all.. That NC letter you sent him, just fed his ego and it woke you up. That's a good thing.

 

I agree with the poster who said show your H this thread. Print it out and show him..

 

Then, QUIT your job. Just do it.. Now you know there's NO way you can continue working there with exMM. Just isn't possible..

 

I know times are tough, jobwise, but you're a smart woman..You can find something, anything until the right job comes along. You and your H can survive this..

[Samantha0905]

Then, QUIT your job. Just do it.. Now you know there's NO way you can continue working there with exMM. Just isn't possible..

 

 

This!!!! Just do it. It should have already been done, regardless of the economy.

 

 

Plus, I agree with what everyone said except the part where Jersey said he hoped your husband moved on. I hope the two of you are able to work it out, if that's what is meant to be and you can totally love your husband again with no regard for XMM -- and your husband can forgive you and move forward with you (eventually.)

 

I hope the two of you are in counseling also. A marriage is comprised of two people in a relationship. Something was obviously amiss if you made the poor decision to enter into an affair.

[Dexter Morgan]

MBEG, I think you are probably one of the only true remorseful cheaters in this bunch. Not that it would change my stance on if your marriage should survive or not.

 

But one thing has me puzzled. Something tells me you aren't truly writing the OM a NC letter and this is why he keeps coming back.

 

Does the letter say things like: "I want you to stop contacting me, its too much for me to bear because of my feelings for you"

 

or does it say something like,

 

"YOU ARE A DESPICABLE BASTARD!! LEAVE ME ALONE, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND IF YOU CONTACT ME AGAIN, I'LL LET MY HUSBAND HANDLE IT!!"

 

 

see the difference? because something tells me your NC letters have some sort of revelations of lingering affection for him.....rather than telling him to eff off.

[JamesM]

But one thing has me puzzled. Something tells me you aren't truly writing the OM a NC letter and this is why he keeps coming back.

 

Does the letter say things like: "I want you to stop contacting me, its too much for me to bear because of my feelings for you"

 

or does it say something like,

 

"YOU ARE A DESPICABLE BASTARD!! LEAVE ME ALONE, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND IF YOU CONTACT ME AGAIN, I'LL LET MY HUSBAND HANDLE IT!!"

 

 

see the difference? because something tells me your NC letters have some sort of revelations of lingering affection for him.....rather than telling him to eff off.

 

I think there is a middle ground. You have given two extremes.

 

I think a letter could also say....

 

While what we had was enjoyable, it was not good for me, for you, or for our families. My desire is to now rebuild my marriage and bring my family back together. The love that I truly have is for the man who truly loves me for who I am unconditionally. This is my husband. You have not been able to do that, and he has. I have learned much about him throughout all of this, and I now see what a kind hearted and wonderful man he really is. I wish I had seen it sooner.

 

Out of respect for my feelings and for my family...and if indeed you love me as you say you do, then let this be our last contact. There is no need that we should remain in contact as friends, because based on our history, I do not think it is possible. There is no need for you to respond to this letter.

 

This is my final goodbye. I wish the best.

 

MBEG

 

This leaves on a respectful note and yet shuts the door to future contacts.

[boomboom63]

I have seen your threads and responses and all I can say is Big Hugs to you. Don't decide anything because of what you think others are feeling. Decide for what YOU feel. you seem to have come a long way and have really owned what you did - and admitted it to your H - this takes real courage - and you are hurting - it will pass. I hope it works out for you.

 

(((((MBEG))))))

[PhoenixRise]

MBEG

 

I think it is progress that you are starting to feel true remorse for your actions. I hope for your sake that it is not too late to repair the damage you did to your marriage.

 

Regarding your H's feelings, his anger etc....I will tell you that the storms generated by a betrayal are intense. The feelings/ emotions run high. In my situations there were many times when I wanted to leave....I eventually DID leave...my H and I later reconciled.

 

I am telling you this because if your H and M is truly what you want then don't give up because things seem incredibly hard (not saying you should accept abuse).

 

AND I will suggest that if you haven't already...take a deep look at why you did this..If I remember correctly you posted that things were good in your M when you cheated. Even if the reason you uncover paints you in a bad llight you need to know what it is and you need to be able to articulate it to your H so that he can have SOMETHING to hang his hat on rather than thinking this Affair is just some random thing that could happen again without provocation at any moment.

 

Good Luck.

[anne1707]

MBEG

 

I think you may finally be where you said you were a few weeks ago. It has been hell for you but you do seem to be seeing through the fog and now realise both the full extent of the damage your affair has done and how good a man your husband is. There are still questions over whether your marriage can work but you really did need to reach this stage before any chance of recovery.

 

As others have said, show your H this thread. Tell him how you feel. Do your utmost to help him see your remorse. Fight for him with all your strength. It is possible to recover from these depths and make a success of your marriage - my marriage is proof of that.

 

Be strong.

[Gabriele]

I agree with the first 2 post forsure. I am BS. You sound like my WH. I want my marriage, I want the man I THOUGHT he was. What I tell him that I need is this:

 

be strong and confident that you can make it through, cause he can't be!

FIGHT for him, he is angry, you have to fight for him, make him know that you want HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Buck up! that's what I say........you did this, you fix it. of coarse he will have some work to do too, but right now, you have to be strong if your marriage is what you want. I get angry when I have to step out of my hurt to give him a pep talk and tell him not to give up on me. I told him I will work, if he is willing to deal with me being crazy. I told him, I will likely be different now, he broke me, maybe he would not want to have a marriage like that....... You have to decide if you want to fight for him. TELL HIM you want to fight for him and your not giving up

 

Good-luck...truly

Gabirele

[Dexter Morgan]

I think there is a middle ground. You have given two extremes.

 

I think a letter could also say....

 

While what we had was enjoyable, it was not good for me, for you, or for our families. My desire is to now rebuild my marriage and bring my family back together. The love that I truly have is for the man who truly loves me for who I am unconditionally. This is my husband. You have not been able to do that, and he has. I have learned much about him throughout all of this, and I now see what a kind hearted and wonderful man he really is. I wish I had seen it sooner.

 

Out of respect for my feelings and for my family...and if indeed you love me as you say you do, then let this be our last contact. There is no need that we should remain in contact as friends, because based on our history, I do not think it is possible. There is no need for you to respond to this letter.

 

This is my final goodbye. I wish the best.

 

MBEG

 

 

Not bad, but I think these two things would need to be left out:

 

"While what we had was enjoyable"

AND

"if indeed you love me as you say you do"

 

Those leave the door open for him to think, "she still wants me" even if the rest of the letter clearly states otherwise.

 

there is a reason he is coming back.....she is somehow giving him the feeling that she still wants him.

 

And also there is the following line:

 

"There is no need that we should remain in contact as friends, because based on our history, I do not think it is possible."

 

No "think" about it. It is NOT possible. It should read, "it is NOT possible"

 

This leaves on a respectful note and yet shuts the door to future contacts.

 

respect shouldn't be a real concern when breaking off an affair, and respect extended to an AP isn't something the BS should care about much less put up with.

 

but not a bad letter overall, but there still has to be some conveyance of affection in her NC letters on her part for him to keep coming back.

 

If I were the husband in this scenario, however, and this letter was written and I saw it, I'd probably look at my cheating wife and say, "awwww....how sweet...you let him down easy while still telling him it was enjoyable" roll my eyes, then walk off.

 

if she needs to repair her marriage and get the OM off her back, the last thing she needs to do is exchange pleasantries with the OM.

Edited December 4, 2009 by Dexter Morgan

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree with the first 2 post forsure. I am BS. You sound like my WH. I want my marriage, I want the man I THOUGHT he was. What I tell him that I need is this:

 

be strong and confident that you can make it through, cause he can't be!

FIGHT for him, he is angry, you have to fight for him, make him know that you want HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Buck up! that's what I say........you did this, you fix it. of coarse he will have some work to do too, but right now, you have to be strong if your marriage is what you want. I get angry when I have to step out of my hurt to give him a pep talk and tell him not to give up on me. I told him I will work, if he is willing to deal with me being crazy. I told him, I will likely be different now, he broke me, maybe he would not want to have a marriage like that....... You have to decide if you want to fight for him. TELL HIM you want to fight for him and your not giving up

 

Good-luck...truly

Gabirele

 

good post, I agree.

 

I have a question for you as a BS with regards to the issue of her NC letters. what if, as proposed by James(and no James, not judging your idea of what the NC letter meant, just want to know how this poster would react to it), you read a NC letter from your H to the other woman and in the letter your H was telling OW never to contact him again, BUT also was saying things in it like "what we had was enjoyable" or something like, "I'll always be fond of our time together BUT"....how would that sit with you?

[Gabriele]

I have a question for you as a BS with regards to the issue of her NC letters. what if, as proposed by James(and no James, not judging your idea of what the NC letter meant, just want to know how this poster would react to it), you read a NC letter from your H to the other woman and in the letter your H was telling OW never to contact him again, BUT also was saying things in it like "what we had was enjoyable" or something like, "I'll always be fond of our time together BUT"....how would that sit with you?

 

 

As BS, yes I agree that those almost 'intimate' lines should be left out. As a BS, it would hurt to read that, like your being sensitive to his feelings. In my case the OW wanted to speak to my WH for 'closure', my H did not want to speak or respond to her (the request was by email) so I responded, respectfully saying "you don't get to have ANY more of him then you already have" My H read it, and I signed it from both of us. Now my situation was different as the affair did not happen recently (I just found out recently). But for MBEG, I am not sure why you are still having contact with him? I have read a few of your post and you really do seem committed to making your marriage work, maybe I have missed something. SO your husband knows that he contacts you? maybe you need to tell your XOM that if he does not stop contacting you then you or your DH will have to contact his W (She does not know that he keeps breaking NC, right)??? maybe that will motivate both of you to REALLY go NC?? Again, maybe I am missing a piece of the puzzle, sorry if I am.

[Untouchable_Fire]

i wrote xmm a NC letter a few days ago. its only made him come back stronger. but now it makes me feel just sick. my H is the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally. this xmm. he has hurt me more than words could describe. something my h would never do, because he doesnt have it in him.

im not sure why now. why i feel so terrible about what ive done. im afraid its too late, and even if its not ive damaged this poor, sweet soul who has never done anything but love me.

just putting my feelings out there....has anyone else been there?

 

Yes. I've been there. It's taken you a good chunk of time, but this is exactly how I feel about my actions to this day. We have been divorced for 7 years, and I probably would have divorced her no matter what... but the shame of having been involved in an affair still lingers.

 

I was certain that your NC letter would drive him to try harder. Do you understand why? To really move forward... I think you need to answer that question for yourself!

 

On a side note... You still talk about your husband like he some retarded puppy. Yes, he is fully capable of hurting you just like this MM did. He could hurt you 5 times worse!

 

He hasn't done it, not because he isn't capable. It's because he chooses not to. Do you understand the difference there?

 

A 4th grader is not capable of beating me at a game of basketball. That's not how you should think of your husband. Lebron James can destroy me at a game of basketball, and I would truly appreciate it if he let me win. That's how you should think of your husband.

[seibert253]

good post, I agree.

 

I have a question for you as a BS with regards to the issue of her NC letters. what if, as proposed by James(and no James, not judging your idea of what the NC letter meant, just want to know how this poster would react to it), you read a NC letter from your H to the other woman and in the letter your H was telling OW never to contact him again, BUT also was saying things in it like "what we had was enjoyable" or something like, "I'll always be fond of our time together BUT"....how would that sit with you?

 

My FWW never sent a contact letter, took care of that myself. Went into OM's department, (W and OM worked at same firm, but in different departments), and introduced myself as FWW's husband. He knew who I was but didn't know me personally.

Told him if he ever contacted my wife again I and my partners would make his life miserable. Thanked him for his time and reminded him to drive safely and always wear your seat belt. (I'm a LE officer and I was wearing my uniform during our visit).

[mark982]

nothing like abusing you authority.