last letter to my ex

[madrugada]

Okay for a quick recap - my fiancee left me six weeks ago and that's why I'm here. It's the same story you hear and live over and over. You meet, you connect, things take off, everything's good. You navigate your day with a smile and a swagger. Then reality takes over, the world pokes its ugly head in. Instead of trying to work things out, she walks. Future - gone. Hope - gone.

 

I'm posting this here in the hope I don't give it to her. If I can manage to stay away from alcohol she likely will never see it, but that's difficult considering I'm drunk right now. so.

 

Dear M -

My first night with you I watched you sleep, traced my fingers down your cheek and thought what luck, what luck, what luck. I was enthralled. I wanted the feeling to last forever.

 

One morning in late September I woke to the touch of your fingers on my cheek, smiled and snuggled up to you. I didn’t realize it was already over.

 

My first night without you I woke to the ghost of your touch against me, but when I swam awake you were gone. Everything was gone. Your furniture, your clothes, your candles, pictures of us on the wall, all the things you brought into my house, into my life, all of it was gone.

 

Your look. Your scent. Your taste on my lips.

 

Your brown eyes and the simmer they carry.

 

Your guitar, and your voice singing "Blackbird" in the other room.

 

The touch of your body against me.

 

Your intelligence. Your fearlessness. Your fierce independence.

 

Your smile. Your ambition. Your tattooed foot. Your collection of shoes.

Your way of always making lists.

 

Your hands, and their unbearable beauty. I think about them at odd moments during the day.

 

The poetry of your hands.

 

They hold things. They let things go.

 

 

My first night without you I woke to an empty house, no sound but the clock ticking the hours away.

 

As poets say, a heart is to be spent.

 

I don’t regret loving you.

 

My only regret is that I never went as far as I dreamed. It’s the story of my life.

 

So came the early morning in bed when you touched my cheek, a sympathy gesture, I know, because you knew you had to hurt me. You knew you had to leave.

 

I’d been worried about us for a while, but at first I thought things would be okay, I went to work that day thinking you still loved me, you were willing in the night to make such a tender gesture as to watch me sleep and lay your hand on my face.

 

That night, you told me you couldn’t marry me.

 

I could go on and on about the things I did wrong, the signs I missed, the things I’m sorry for, the things I could have done differently, the things I put off doing in my stress and anxiety and blossoming depression. But it won’t help either of us, and it’s too late anyway.

 

So this is my goodbye.

 

It’s also a list of everything I love about you, everything I miss now that you’re gone, a reliquary for my regrets and a defenestration of my flaws, everything about me that pushed you away.

 

As things are now, my grief lies not in the fact that you’re gone, that I won’t wake to your body’s warmth against me, but in the fact that I drove you away. So many things happened when we first got together and I’m still trying to sort it all out. I’ll never forget the day I bounded onto your porch - we’d only been together a couple of months - to tell you about my new job offer.

 

It turned out to be not such a good thing for us. I never meant to forget to show you how important you were to me. That was never the life I wanted to make for you. You said you thought I was just overwhelmed with my job, and I was. Still am. It’s a poisonous environment, and I’m sorry I brought that poison home with me. I crawled into my head and I realize that for a long time I just wasn’t there for you.

 

I know it’s hard to believe, considering how things have been since this summer, but through the good times and the bad I’ve thought of you every single moment of every day. And I still do. From the first breath of air I take when I wake up to the moment I slip into sleep and my dreams turn to your face and your body and how I wish you were breathing slowy next to me, every single thought in my head has been of you. I’m sorry I got so wrapped up in my own troubles and forgot to show you that.

 

It’s why my memories of you carry such sorrowful weight.

 

I remember when we first got together, how we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, how we would make love at night, in the morning, in the afternoon, during a thunderstorm, whenever and wherever the mood struck. I remember the night I woke you up to talk to you about my new job and how I worried it would come between us. I must have known something even then.

 

For weeks after you gave the ring back I tried to prepare for the inevitable. You said there was a chance, but really I was just treading water. I knew it was coming, but I was clinging to whatever shred of hope you tossed my way. I didn’t want to see you go. Then came the night I picked you up from the airport after your trip and we ended it in the car on the way home. I knew it was coming. I told myself I would make it easy for you, that I would leave your life gracefully with my dignity intact, but in the car you made it final, and then you were so quiet, and all I could think was I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

 

So I slept on the couch that night, and the next morning you said you had hoped I would be there next to you when you woke up. That threw me. I knew I couldn’t begin to heal until you were gone, and there we were just going through the motions. It hurt just to look at you, knowing I had lost you.

 

Everywhere I looked and everything we did, that final weekend was full of last moments. The last time we’ll wake up together, the last time we’ll cook supper together, the last time I’ll watch you get ready to go out, even though you went out without me. The last time I’ll fix you breakfast. The last time we’ll curl up on the couch together. The last time I’ll turn out the light, roll over and gather you in my arms.

 

One night just after I started at the paper I got home from a late meeting, went out on my back steps and sat down to call you. I looked up at your apartment across the alley, saw your light on and thought, that light is shining for me. I realized too late that one day it no longer would.

 

I take comfort that, for a while at least, you did love me. That I was important enough for you to try to make me happy, though that should never have been your responsibility. It means a lot to me that you loved me enough to hold on for so long in the wake of my crashing star.

 

I know this doesn’t mean as much to you as it would have if I’d written it months ago, when you were trying to get me to open my eyes.

But I want to ask you for one last favor, if you still have any genuine feeling left for me.

 

Take these words, and my apologies, and your memories of our good times, and bury them deep in some quiet place in your heart. When you visit that place, know that I loved you intensely, and think of me with fondness.

- R.

[j_cali_man]

Dude,

 

That was intense. Now you have to make sure to NOT send the letter like DenverBachelor and I did to our exes several days ago. In some ways the letter might help because it may force you t move on depending upon her (non) response. I have not read anywhere on here when a letter like that made the ex GF melt and come back in tears....like a movie. Not saying it can't or hasn't happened but I crashed and burned in sending mine. Probably pushed her even further into some new dudes arms.

 

So, chose. The red pill of NC or the Blue pill of more pain.

 

I took them both...bad idea.

 

J

[missmay]

Beautiful. It is so sad that all to often we don't find the ability to express our emotions with such genuine eloquence until it is too late.

[XKatieX]

I wrote something similar like that to my ex today. I never expected him to reply, I never thought he would. BUT i wasn't writing it in hopes of him coming back to me, I wrote it because I felt it was the right thing to do, and by admitting my mistakes and learning from them it made me feel like a better person.

 

So if you feel like this will make you feel better and not worse about things, then send it..but not in hopes that she will come back to you.

[tryagaintoday]

don't you ever send that to her! I'm serious!

[DenverBachelor]

Dude,

 

That was intense. Now you have to make sure to NOT send the letter like DenverBachelor and I did to our exes several days ago.

 

It's a beautiful letter and I would send it to a random address in Wyoming. Let the rancher figure out what the hell to do with it.

 

But in any event, Cali is right. Unless you want to burn every bridge within 500 miles of you -- just shelve it.

[DenverBachelor]

Ps: On the flip-side, you might get laid if you show some random chicks that letter and they realize just how amazing you are as a writer and person. I've never thought of that, but it might be a great way to pick up some rebounds and get your soul out of the ****ter.

 

Your ex will just smirk, then let out a bigger smile as she realizes how incredibly whipped you became while with her.

 

But don't feel bad if you already sent it. You couldn't POSSIBLY do any worse than me (sending an e-mail, then another, then another, then breaking into her e-mail account to delete it -- only to find out she read 2 out of 3 -- then finding out she cheated on you -- twice -- then finding out that she found out that you broke into her e-mail after you called her down to your floor of the same apartment and approached her about the infidelity -- then sending texts to her basically nailing every nail solid into the coffin -- then going into permanent NC) ...

 

No, I don't think anyone in the history of breakups has gone to that extreme. But **** happens! Remember that.

[lsb]

Awwwww!!!!!

[amtz]

Damn dude this letter dropped a bomb in my feelings!!! I almost broke into tears... The only thing I could say it's really up to you if you deliver this great letter or not.

 

Other than that please be strong!!!

 

Will pray for you

[mmk1]

Please do not ever send that letter, you will definitely wish you hadn't if you do! These letters work in the movies but never in real life. Whatever response or non-response you get, it will not be to get back together, which ultimately will make you feel worse.

 

If you have already expressed her that you want to reconcile, once is enough. If she has already told you no, believe her and move on!

 

Try the bar thing DB suggested, that has a greater chance of working.

[HeavenOrHell]

I would send it but I would leave out some of those last paragraphs, you started repeating yourself.

My ex left in July after 18 years as I was too busy for him the last 2 years, he felt unimportant and neglected, I didn't take him seriously until it was too late.

After about 3 weeks I sent a letter saying all the stuff I wanted him to hear, he said he was so glad I sent it and that it helped.

We meet up regularly but I don't know if we will ever be able to rekindle, I guess I missed my chance.

[madrugada]

Oh my. Seems I was a little tipsy last night. I won't be sending that to her after reading it in the light of day. First, because I know it will make me look like a wuss, and second because I know it won't do any good. I don't want to give her any reason to roll her eyes at the thought of me.

 

It felt good to pour it all out, though. If I do ever send her anything it won't be because I'm hoping she'll come back. That ship has sailed.

 

DB and J, don't feel too bad about the things you did or said or wrote to your exes. We've all been in that state of desperation. In my case all my begging, whining, making an a$$ of myself was packed into the three days between the breakup and her moving out. If there ever was a chance at reconciliation - and I don't think there was - I ruined it that weekend.

 

And DB, the whole showing it to random girls thing actually used to work on the girls in the creative writing classes I took in college. But other than those who read these threads I don't think anyone will ever see this.

 

I really was whipped, wasn't I?

[silic0ntoad]

Weren't we all, mate?

 

If we weren't, we wouldn't be here.

[dazedat39]

Man i wrote my own love you, miss you, lets get back together letter 12 years ago - even after i found out my gf at the time cheated on me when i was being treated for cancer. What the hell was I thinking. Right?!?! I even handed it to her 2 months after breaking up, when she was dating someone new and I watched her cry her eyes out while she read it. You know what? She kept that letter and read it for years afterward. Her roomate used to tell me that she'd pull it out some nights and cry over and over while silently reading it. To this day whenever I run into her, she looks at me like she lost the love of her life. She did and she knows it. We were meant to be and she screwed it up because she was young, drunk and foolish. She's never married and told me she never could after doing what she did to me. To this day she tells everyone that I was the only guy she ever wanted to marry. I could never go back to her again though. That trust is forever gone. The look in her eyes is enough for me to know that she has to live with the pain of her decision for the rest of her life. Call it revenge or call it closure if you want. I say do what you want with that letter but don't expect it to have the same effect it had on my ex.

[madrugada]

Thanks dazed, I'll take that into consideration. I've been going back and forth on whether or not to write her something. Not with the hope that she'll ever come back, but more to put a cap on this senseless pining I've been wasting my time with. When I wrote that last night the feeling was not hope but more like resignation, like I'm finally letting go. I think that was the feeling, anyway. My heart has a sick way of monkeying around with my brain sometimes. But the thought that she might get teary reading something I wrote (which has happened, even when she was breaking up with me) does stick in my mind. I might let her read a revision, as Heaven pointed out some polishing I might need to do (I tend to talk in circles when I drink)

 

Ah, the mad hearts in all of us.

[billy356]

Don't send the letter.

 

It seems you already came to that conclusion but just in case, don't send it.

 

It really isnt about you looking like a wuss or you showing her that you were whipped or any of the other macho things. It is about you letting go and moving on. Sending a letter like that delays that process because you write it, when you are writing it you are gaining hope, when you send it you hold on to hope, and all the while you wait for a reply you are going through a roller coaster of emotions...did she read it, what did her face look like, did she cry, did she even get it (maybe I should send another one)...it goes on and on.

 

Sending a letter like that perpetuates a belief that things are not over, that there is something more, maybe get back together, maybe another fight, anything. Truth is, it is over and any further contact is nothing but damaging. After a fair amount of time passes then you can decide whether or not to reconnect. Personally I waited 5 years and my ex and I were able to process a lot of what happened. My current ex, the only type of letter I would write to her involves a lot of swearing and threats..so not the best example..lol

 

Read it over one more time and burn it. You will be amazed how good that simple action will feel, trust me.

 

wishing you the best....

[madrugada]

Burn it. Yeah, I've thought of that too. That might feel really good. Thanks, billy

 

One reason I wrote it was that I felt like it would be good just to get all those thoughts out, all the regret and guilt I've been feeling. And it did feel good. As for what reaction she would have if I did send it, I don't (think I) care. I wouldn't expect a response anyway.

 

Another reason is that she sent me a text asking me to call her (I've been on strict NC for like two weeks) and I was drinking as a way to distract myself so I wouldn't call her (bad idea, I know) and I figured, what the hell, I'll see what other people might have to say. So I killed some time and didn't call her. And I didn't send the letter.

 

For now, I think I'll sit on anything I might write to her. Let some time pass, see how I feel later.

 

Thanks to all of you for your advice and support. It means a lot to me.

[billy356]

By the way, it was very well written....nice job

[madrugada]

Thanks, billy

 

I've read your other posts and your situation sounds a lot like mine, especially the age difference. I'm 35 and my ex is 25. I'm glad I found this forum, because it's done me a lot of good, reading about other people's experiences with heartbreak.

 

Sometimes it reminds me of AA. "My name is Madrugada, and I'm a heartbroken SOB."

 

Whatever helps, though. Right? Whatever gets you through the day.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. And good luck to you in your business endeavors.

[billy356]

ya..beware of the age difference...especially the ones we got ourselves into. If you found the posts i made on emotional puberty that will explain why i say that.

 

I have the dubious honor of never dating anyone over 25 in my life!! Well that hopefully will change very soon. Its not that there is anything wrong with women in their 20's...it is just a risky proposition if you arent in your 20's too.

 

And yes..whatever gets you through the day is all that is important....lol

 

and thanks for the nice wishes too buddy, I appreciate that