What would you do?

[thunder74]

I created a new account on here because i'm a regular poster on here and this is not only a sensitive subject but my username can be easily

found by someone (I should've chosen a more discreet name) that I don't want her reading..

 

I've helped alot of people on here (so I hoped) and wrote about my situation a number of years back. I got some great advice and hoping to

get some today. Part of me writing this is also because I really can't talk to anyone about this and I know all of you friends can give me

some unbiased advice.

 

It started back in 2000, I started talking to a woman (let's call her M). She lived about three hours away and we got along quite well

chatting/emailing over the year or so. I was recently cheated on my by now ex-fiancee in which she left. M was there quite a bit to listen

to me and be a really good friend. Needless to say I started having feelings for her, which felt weird because I never met her in person. I

was also really hestiant about it all since you hear so many bad stories about meeting people online.

 

Well it got to the point that we were going to meet, long story short, she ended up telling me she was married but in a really bad marriage.

Controlling, abusive, etc.. by her husband. I was upset because for months she didn't tell me about this. I decided to stop chatting with

her which really hurt. I don't think she was out to deceive me but I felt sort of betrayed.

 

Two years later (and no contact from M) I met another woman (let's call her B). Her and I became friends quite fast, a local woman who really

took my heart. She had a bf (who basically neglected her alot). Over the year we became closer however I wasn't going to push anything. I

told her my intention was for her to be happy whether it would be me, him, someone else or to just become single. I saw the neglect, abuse by

her ex-bf myself and knew it was her to make any sort of decision. As time went on, she left him and we started dating. Things went very

fast from there, she moved in and within' the year we were married.

 

She was the first woman in a very long time that I put my complete trust into. I was hurt bad by my ex-fiancee and didn't really trust women

alot. I dated before B, but the women just wanted to jump into bed fast and it seemed so artifical. B was the only one that took time to

really want to get to know me and it felt like I was in love with my best friend.

 

After the wedding (about two months) she changed. Two months after we were married she would disappear. Keep her cell phone hidden and her

attitude towards me totally changed. It took my by surprise but part of me thought something was going on with her and her ex-bf. I was

right. She would sneak off to see him. During this time he was extremely close with her father and basically turned him into an ally in

trying to break up our marrige.

 

My wife's past is pretty bad. Teenage years, she was raped, her dad would neglect/abuse her. She was pregnant and lost her baby during

birth. She was drinking alot as well. Her dad is not mentally stable and has come after me in the past. I told my wife that I disowned that

side of the family (her mom and dad divorced when she was a teenager). Her mom is great, total opposite of her dad. However there are issues

with her as well. She married a second guy who would sexually pursuit my wife (this was before I met her). My wife was afraid to tell her

mom, but did after he was arrested for molesting a boy. Her mom decided to 'defend' this guy and stay married to him. This guy ended up

leaving her for another man.

 

During all of this I wanted to goto MC, which she went. However she wouldn't follow any of the advice. The abused became the abuser, she

would often (daily) put me down, call me really awful names, withhold affection, and would continue to lie and deceive me with her ex-bf. Then

one day she wanted to join her dad's pool team, saying it was a chance for her to bond with her dad. I told her only on the grounds that her

ex-bf wasn't on it. Since he's well known in the area as a good pool player and the fact that him and her dad are good friends. I found

through another person that he was on the team. She pleaded with me to still allow her on the team saying she would be home after the match

and nothing would happen between the two. I believed her because at that point her attitude towards me changed, I told her that this sort of

behavior continues toward me I would leave the marriage.

 

Well, she wouldn't come home until 1am drunk, and often leave to goto 'practices' not telling me where they were and I couldn't even goto the

matches because of the tension between me and her dad. She took this opportunity I believe to test the waters with her ex-bf and it hurt,

alot.. At this point I wanted resolution that a whole year of this was too much on me. It was affecting my health and my emotional well

being. I told her I wanted out that I was done. She often would threaten to leave and thought she would take this chance and run with it. I

was surprised though when she said she wasn't leaving and things would change. And they did, she stopped contact with her ex, and I finally

thought I got my old wife back. Part of me felt like I was a rebound. However during the time she was with her ex, I wasn't nothing more but

a friend, I knew to keep my distance physically.

 

Well the next three years she was still often verbally abusive, physical a few times. Emotionally I felt alone. Sex would only happen if she

was drunk, felt like she lost interest in me. Didn't really seem to care about me, all her verbal abuse didn't really affect me as much I

became numb to it. I put up a wall, I had to. I couldn't take the hurt anymore. She hasn't come up to kiss or hug me in years. When I

would try she kept her lips closed, her arms to her side when I would try to hug. Never was I verbally or physically abusive. I was brought

up to treat women in a respectful way. I tried talking to her, but she became defensive, often blaming me, giving 'blanket statements'.

I tried to get her to MC again but she refused to go. All her friends would call and talk to me since she abandoned them, she had no interest

in them. Her anti-depressents didn't seem to work as they use to. It was walking on eggshells with her all the time.

 

As the years went on I realized how much she was like her father, I felt sort of deceived because the woman that I married was nothing like

what I expected. Almost like a 'false advertisement'. Now, I'm no saint either, I started to become quite grumpy and miserable. I would

want to keep things to myself because of all the talking I did to her never helped. In one ear and out the other. I took things day by day,

hoping someday she would wake up and realize what she has. Well, that never really happened and one day she called me while I was at work to

say she was pregnant. I know this is awful but I had to ask her if it was mine. She was upset by that and promised it was, that she hasn't

cheated. I was more in shock than anything and regretfully I have to say that I wasn't too happy. Only because of the problems we were

having and I didn't want a little one to come in and experience all of this.

 

Her pregnancy felt like it was forever, the first three months I was just plain mad at her, because she continued to smoke. Her first baby

she lost to trisomy 18 and the drs. were very concerned about our little girl because her kidneys weren't developing right. Well, our

daughter was born 11:30am and she was perfect. Later that day they had to rush my wife to the OR because they found out she was internally

bleeding. Six hours of surgery, around midnight I was told there was a good chance my wife wouldn't make it. She lost half of her blood and

things didn't look good. I prayed so hard that night, and the mix of emotions that day of the joy of having my daughter and then twelve hours

later thinking I was going to lose my wife and raising my daughter by myself. Well, she was able to pull through, a week in ICU. I was her

caretaker and fulltime dad to my baby daughter. For the next three months, things seemed really good. It was a nice change.

However like previous times, it seems things go in cycles. My wife slowly started her verbal abuse, often would say things in front of our

baby 'You're an ahole, you're an awful father, etc..'. I'm always there for my little girl, she was saying these things for nothing more to

hurt me. I retracted again, but couldn't fathom divorce because I wouldn't want to miss a minute with my little girl. As the weeks and

months went on things got worse. She pulled a knife on me (while holding my daughter), just because she had a bad day. She tried kicking me

down the stairs while I was also holding her. It shocked me that her anger problems go beyond that of the safety of our daughter. I shouldve

called the police but she threatened saying if I did she would turn the story around on me.. and said 'Who do you think they would believe?'

What's strange is beyond that, she is a great mom. Does everything with her, takes care of her alot. I can tell she genuinely loves her,

just her anger issues (just like her dad) is scary. She says and acts on emotions and I have to approach these situations very carefully.

During all this time (M) was completely out of my mind, it's been years since I really thought of her, the times I did I hoped life was

treating her good. I mentioned to my wife about seperating but she wouldn't have any part of it, often threatening me or trying to convince

me I was at fault.

 

A local pub down the street from me, I would goto now and then, just to see some friends. One night I was there (about a year ago) I walked

in and was in total shock. Was it her? Someone I knew years ago? Yep. She stood there just as shocked as I was. This was actually the

first time I met M in person. I was kinda tongue-tied and just smiled and waved hi across the bar a few times. Found out she moved up this

way because of her parents living up here and she is engaged now to someone (she divorced her ex-husband during the past few years). As we

talked over the months (the only time we would talk is at this place, usually once a week or two). She told me she's not marrying her

fiancee, he has become alot like her ex-husband, which over the year I saw to be true myself. She can't go anywhere without him, can't have

internet, her own phone, etc.. She is hoping to save enough money to get her own place.

 

Neither of us have pushed us into leaving who we are with. I have to admit I think about her alot, she has so many qualities in a person that

I'm looking for. Though I know better to leave a marriage for someone else, grass isn't greener on the other side. But I look back and see

all the things my wife has done to me. She still is pretty verbally abusive, and have already told her in front of my family that I want a

divorce. She will then be 'nice' for a week or two but then it goes back to the same old. Even if I do divorce I don't think I would want to

start anything with M because I know I need time to get my own head straight. She has already told me she loves me in a sort of way, I look

at her as someone I care deeply about think in the future something could happen but I need to straighten this mess out first.

 

So it's not a matter of someone else coming into the picture and me leaving, it's more like my marriage was already a mess and this happened.

What would I want now? Actually surprisingly I would want my wife to go get the help she needs, to get through her past problems and make a

good life with me. I went to two phychologists after the 6 months of counseling (she refused to goto the psych. meetings) who told me i'm in a child-parent relationship,

that it's not going to work unless she gets the help. She still refuses too, like a teenager it's all my fault. She doesn't apologize for the way she treats me.

 

So, what do I do? I'm in an unaffectionate marriage (something I crave, i'm a huge romantic). I feel like i'm living with my sister, it becomes childish at times.

I'm unhappy and often think I deserve better. All her friends have told me to leave, but no one knows about (M). I don't talk to her much, which I guess is a

good thing it sort of keeps situations from intermixing with each other. I'm just at a loss, i'm lonely. Very lonely. I know i'm not the reason why my wife lashes out at me,

but it's still not fair. What would you do in my situation? I'm just emotionally exhausted.

Edited December 4, 2009 by thunder74

[adiaz]

I think you should record her (a webcam is good enough) the next time she acts this way (abusing you in front of the baby), then call the cops so that if they come and try to side with her, you have proof.

Then file for sole custody if you can and leave. Don't jump into M's hands since you see where that landed you in the first place. Live by yourself, take the time to know what you want, who you are and to read signs instead of blindly believing that everyone is so genuine and trust worthy.

 

 

PS: You should ask for a DNA test because there is a 50% chance her X is your daughter's father.

 

good luck.

[mark982]

you have to work on your own issues first. you can't have another woman in the picture. but i do agree with adias,you should try to hide some cams around the house,or at the very least voice activated recorders. but your wife does sound nuts, sleep with 1 eye open .

[quankanne]

am with the other two posters: Gather up the evidence you need, so that if it does come down to divorce and child custody, you have proof that your wife has serious psychological issues that affect y'alls baby. As for paternity testing ... that can go either way: If you get it done, and discover that this little girl isn't biologically yours, how will that impact your relationship with her? I know you must love this child dearly, but the odds of you getting to raise her are very slim if she has a different biological father ...

 

keep seeking the counseling you need to help YOU through this rough patch. In the meantime, put thoughts of a relationship with the other gal WAY on the back burner – before you can offer yourself to someone new, you must first heal from the abuse you've experienced from your wife.

 

you'll definitely be in my prayers, i hadn't realized your situation has gotten even worse, mí amigo.

 

hugs – and lots of 'em,

jo

[thunder74]

It's hard to hide webcams around the house, though about 6 months ago she had an outburst, where out of the blue she jumped on our new wooden living room coffee table and started trying to scuff it up. It was like she was throwing a temper tantrum, it spooked my little girl she started crying and I had to leave with her. In fact that memory brings back last xmas morning, the first xmas with our daughter. I had to take my daughter and leave early to my mom's because my wife started on one of her tirades. Just because my wife didn't like a toy that I bought for her.

 

The issue with her jumping on the table, I had a conversation with her about a day later and recorded it. I got her recorded saying that she thinks 'its normal' to act this way. The conversation lasted about 20 minutes. But the state I live in is a no fault state so I don't know if any sort of recordings would do any good.

 

As for who's the father, I know I am. She looks 'identical' to me. She has none of my wife's features and nothing even remotely close to her ex-bf. She's almost two years old now.

 

I know this other chick has to be out of the picture but I often think about how nice it would be to have her as a companion. Though i'm sure she has her bad side as well. I just wished people would come with some sort of warning label on them.

 

I think the worst in all of this is even though i'm not alone (she is always there) i'm extremely lonely. Though women approach me quite often and to know what can be attained and that void filled.. It just sucks because I thought I had it with my wife before we got married.

 

I often read so many stories on here about how things change after marriage. Is that really a norm?

[GorillaTheater]

am with the other two posters: Gather up the evidence you need, so that if it does come down to divorce and child custody, you have proof that your wife has serious psychological issues that affect y'alls baby. As for paternity testing ... that can go either way: If you get it done, and discover that this little girl isn't biologically yours, how will that impact your relationship with her? I know you must love this child dearly, but the odds of you getting to raise her are very slim if she has a different biological father ...

 

keep seeking the counseling you need to help YOU through this rough patch. In the meantime, put thoughts of a relationship with the other gal WAY on the back burner – before you can offer yourself to someone new, you must first heal from the abuse you've experienced from your wife.

 

you'll definitely be in my prayers, i hadn't realized your situation has gotten even worse, mí amigo.

 

hugs – and lots of 'em,

jo

 

I agree with everything that Quank said, with the exception that, if you're that comfortable that your daughter is biologically yours, I'd forego the DNA testing. But the rest is dead on. Gather any and all evidence you can of your wife's behavior for the custody battle ahead. Which presupposes what may be obvious to the neutral observer: yes, I think you should divorce your wife and sooner rather than later. You CANNOT keep subjecting yourself to this, and she will NOT change. But, emotionally speaking, you've been repeatedly tasered and pummeled for years. You are at this point, frankly, damaged goods. You need to heal before you start another intimate relationship, and that will probably take a while.

 

 

You have given alot of very good advice here. I hope you'll consider mine.

[quankanne]

I often read so many stories on here about how things change after marriage. Is that really a norm?

 

things *do* change, but more as a matter of trying to meld two personalities and lifestyles into a healthy relationship that works for both parties. While there are arguments and disagreements, you understand that those are limited to the subject at hand. Not an invitation for abuse.

 

from the sound of it, your wife has not made that connection. Until she does, the abuse will continue and possibly grow worse.

 

thunder, if this post was penned by a woman, what would you advise her? Especially knowing that the abuse appears to be escalating? Would you advise her to stay put and hope that things change? Would you recommend that she take the little one and find safe shelter? Even if she didn't want to because she feels she can handle it? Would you ask her to leave for her child's safety?

 

you and your daughter deserve no less a chance at living in a peaceful, healthy environment, especially if it means breaking the cycle for your little one.

[You Go Girl]

That's a family that thrives on abuse.

She may seem like a good mother at this point, but just give her time. Eventually she will start the head games with your daughter, and/or--probably both--teach her by example to be just like her, thereby continuing the bad cycle of abusive relationships.

I know you don't want your daughter acting like your wife someday.

I believe in the best interests of the children. You, I'm not going to comment on much except to say that I think you've been kicked around enough. I commend you on being so loving to such a hateful person.

 

But your daughter--she really needs a stable upbringing and never taught that abuse is some kind of thrill. I think you do need to gather evidence of her tirades, especially when she goes off with your daughter in the room. It is evidence, and, it doesn't matter that you live in a no-fault state, that has nothing to do with child custody.

 

The woman M, well--she doesn't matter all that much right now, and maybe never will. You don't really know her either do you--only the good light she has portrayed herself. My point is to take care of yourself and that little girl you love--don't let her become just like her mother.

[thunder74]

Thank you for all your advice, alot of it I agree with. She had another what I call 'episodes' last night, where she just starts acting nuts for no reason. Luckily our daughter wasn't there at the time.

 

She was upstairs most of the night, I was watching a horror flick I got from netflix, about an hour into it she came downstairs watched it for a minute, then flipped out. Calling me every name in the book because 'How dare you watch such a movie at xmas time'. Turned it off, took the movie and was trying to break it (blu-ray disc). Honestly, who does this? After her tirade, I told her again that I can't do this anymore, it's downright scary the way she acts, with that look in her eyes. She tried justifying herself and then to shift blame to me for her actions for the hour we talked. Same old.

 

It just sucks because everything in that house, I worked for. I pay all the bills, what we have is because of me. Her paychecks go to her maxed out credit cards she has (all for her own purchases). I'm always the responsible one (no credit card bills, etc..). And the house that I bought before even meeting her, will probably be divided in half. I'll have to check with the state law on that.

 

Guess I should've known I was in for a huge mess when two months before we got married I gave her $2k to 'pay off her credit card bills' because I wanted to start off on the right foot. Well, she lied, she had over $4k in bills, and now has well over $7k. Her mentality is, if she can pay the minimum monthly bill she can afford it.

 

I'm just done with it all. As for (M), like you guys suggested she has to be out of my mind for quite awhile. Last thing I need is to get into another mess. I know my wife will make this a very rough divorce. She loves and craves the drama and this will probably be right up her alley.