minutebyminute Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'll just admit it. I hate my life, the A with the OM I can't get over. I'm a mess. My husband is happy as hell, i have talked to him in length about his emotional well being, my kids are super happy. . .I cannot get over the A. I cannot. I have everything I always wanted now, which is weird because now I don't want it. I'm lost. I'm afraid. I love. ..and it cannot be reciprocated by the person of my affection. I am living a lie only for the members of my family and for my exterior family. The OM has moved on and i feel i cannot go on, I need some support. I'm either having a breakdown or a breakthrough, I need some help with you all, I'm super fragile right now, help me out.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Then leave if your so miserable... Your living a lie, go chase the OM, Bask in the truth!
norajane Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Give it time. It took time to develop the feelings you had for your OM; it will take time to clear your head and heart of those feelings especially since he was the one who moved on first. And until you do clear your head and heart, your family life will seem flat and unappealing. IF you give up now, then you won't know what is possible when your head does clear. And it will. Think back to break-ups you've had, or your friends and family have had. Devastation is eventually followed by renewal.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I love the true meaning of you CB, you have followed me through this whole f-up story of mine. I like to live in your shoes, which should be my H shoes. He should treat me like your words, but he doesn't. I am so sad tonight even you can give me no shame, but thanks for your response. C
wheelwright Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 i'm in the same place but time has made me less fragile. I really haven't worked this out so let us know when you have. Listen to songs that mean something, look at your children, and know that what you decide now isn't forever. The future can wait while you do the present. That's as much as I've come up with.
fooled once Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I don't know how to say this all sweet and nice.... but grow up and stop it. You world existed before he came into your life, you will continue on without him. You have what so many women wish they could have - a loving spouse and kids. Instead of whining about the cheating liar you don't have -- appreciate what you DO have. In an instant, it could be taken from you. Your husband could be taking the kids to school and get hit head on by a semi truck. Your husband could be at the park with your kids and some idiot with a guy starts shooting. HONOR what you have been given because it could be taken away from you in an instant. I have a dear friend who died right before Halloween. She was so excited about taking her kids trick or treating. She wasn't feeling well, felt she might have a bronchial infection and she was dead the next day. She left an adoring husband and 2 children behind. Her H is stunned and cannot believe his wife of 11 years is gone. Her children who are 5 and 7 are now motherless. Their lives are forever changed now. Mom won't be there to make their lunches anymore. Mom won't be there waiting for them to get home from school anymore. I bet you a billion dollars her H would give anything for 1 more day with his wife. YOU have a family and yet you are too busy crying over some guy you had an affair with!!!! Get your priorities right. If you can't do that - get out of the marriage. Your H deserves a wife who is focused on HIM and not some other guy. Your children deserve a mother who isn't a cheater, who isn't a liar. They deserve their mother to be focused on THEM, not crying over some guy. I honestly hate being harsh, but for heaven's sake......
Author minutebyminute Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) I am crying so hard right now, thank you for caring about someone you don't even know. My children are my life, but I am a woman. I have so much to learn, I want to live my short life here on earth happy, I dont want anyone I have loved especially my H to hurt. I know what we do to other people intentionally or without reguard hurts them, I've always been the one to look after everyone. I finally saw a small spot in my life and took it. Now, I look at it and I feel so empty for so many reasons. From the immature to the long term lessons learned. I am just so sad tonight. Edited December 4, 2009 by minutebyminute spellimg
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I know this one. Where all you want to do is disappear - take a shower so that you can cry in solitude, go to bed early and cry yourself to sleep. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I hope you know that you can end up throwing away everything that will mean so much to you in the future. I left my husband when I was in this state but it wasn't about my feelings for someone else. I knew that I would get past that someday. But my husband and I were so incompatible that I just couldn't endure the marriage anymore. I so much wished that I could. I begged him to stop the behavior that was driving me away. Nothing worked and I left. I'm not sorry I left him because he is actually worse now, but I am sorry that I felt backed into a corner where he gave me no choice; and that my marriage had to end. The reason I'm telling you all this stuff is because if your marriage is worth salvaging - if your husband is a good man who treats you well and that, overall, you enjoy being with - then please, please, please do not throw it away. In the great scheme of things in, say, a 50-yr marriage, a couple of yrs of heartache isn't such a big thing. I know it's a big thing now but I promise you that it won't be in 2 yrs. Not that you'll ever forget the person you love so much, but it won't hurt anymore. I just hope that you won't be too quick to act right now. You just need time to heal. And you will. I promise you. Try to see the big picture, even though I know it's really hard to right now. But you can end up destroying your whole life if you don't take this seriously as to how much your family and marriage mean to you.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I've told you the truth and nothing but the truth, and you said what I needed to hear. Thank God for you, my mother and my best friend Meggan. You all say the same thing, BUT without the CB anger (sorry, you still serve a huge place in my heart & always will until I am healed) I'm lost and need to find my way home without sacrificing what I have right now-so selfish, but we all are. Taking advantage of each other and our love towards one another. My biggest mistake in my marriage of over 25 years was putting up with his bull****, his biggest mistake was thinking I could. I still think of him as a 23 year old handsome dove, he still thinks I'm totally hot- we have chances most others don't. My post is to look upon yourselves and see if ther is anything left in your marriage, if even an ounce, well worth saving. I will look after you and pray for your love, please do the same for me. Thanks, c
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 ive been going off and on like this since dday. i had a major breakdown at thanksgiving. cooking dinner, entertaining family, putting on this happy face. it was just too much. too overwhelming to keep up the facade while trying to make small talk. im supposed to have this perfect life be making the most of my marriage and i just wanted to scream that it was all a big fat lie. since then ive slowly drifted out of it. no, i dont feel great but its lifted. its like every few weeks i go in and out of it. you sed it right about back sliding. im thinking its just the nature of this sort of thing.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I cried even more after reading YOUR post. Thank you for extending your love to me. Your life experience is worthy of a bit of crying too?? C
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Do yourself a big favour and go talk to a therapist to help you with this stuff. LS can only help in certain ways..
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I cried even more after reading YOUR post. Thank you for extending your love to me. Your life experience is worthy of a bit of crying too?? C I don't cry about my life anymore. I have a wonderful teenage son who's a total joy in my life, and I'm sure I'll meet a nice man someday. But being single at this stage in my life isn't something I ever counted on. A lot of people think I'm this driven career woman and they have no idea that I don't give a fig about work and would've liked nothing more than to have been with a man who treated me well. But that's the way it turned out and I'm just trying to make the most of it while things are this way. It beats being in a crappy marriage but if I had had my choice, I would've much rather stayed married than be alone. I would've had more kids and all that. Something changes inside you when you get a little older - your perspective changes and the things that used to seem to important are really funny to you. My regrets have to do with not being smart enough to pick better people to be in my life. It can cost you in the end. I just don't want to see you make a mistake. Like I said, I was in the same position as you - although I didn't have an affair with the guy (I don't know if you did or not) - but I really did not think I'd ever see my way clear of that. It seriously took me 2 yrs to get over him. But I still would not have left my marriage if I could've fixed it. It's all really sad. I just want you to know that having a good husband and wonderful children is a prize that you will one day understand its full value, but never be able to put into words.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) I re-read your post to me, because it meant so much to me & me to my particular situation. My questions to you or to all: Incompatable The behavior (you put up with) (his behavior) Your hopes were what? Were they valid? Did this person semi come fowrard/follow thru for you? I am not interested in hearing from the player/dater/50 and below crowd. I want real life experience, from the heart. Don't even think of replying if you have no heart. . . Edited December 4, 2009 by minutebyminute
Heather1 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'd be in the same boat as you, if I could just end it for good! My H knows, and in times of NC he stays up with me & talks. He knows I'm heartbroken, but I have to say he's pretty happy about me ending the whole thing too. It's really hard, because it's not like I want to rely on him for support??? I can't talk to my friends about this AT ALL, no one knows. I guess what I'm saying is be easy on yourself and go through the heart break. What helped me through some of the NC is doing some fun things w/ my H and we took a nice trip. It really helped me forget about OM.....until he contacted me again.
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I re-read your post to me, because it meant so much to me & me to my particular situation. My questions to you or to all: Incompatable The behavior (you put up with) (his behavior) Your hopes were what? Were they valid? Did this person semi come fowrard/follow thru for you? I am not interested in hearing from the player/dater/50 and below crowd. I want real life experience, from the heart. Don't even think of replying if you have no heart. . . I think incompatibility is a personal thing because everyone has their own dealbreakers. One of my dealbreakers is someone trying to control me. It makes me nuts. He was one of those guys who didn't like my attention to be away from him for very long. My sister referred to him as a benevolant manipulator. I think that was the truest description of him. I don't think he's a bad guy but I can't stand being around him. Everything about him screams 'I'm going to control you in one way or another'. And it's not just me, he alienates a lot of people in his life - his brother, his friends and his son. My son had one of 'those' conversations with him last weekend and had him on speaker so I heard it all. It made me cringe the way he was trying to manipulate our son. He's driving his son away in the same way he drove me away. He has a 'my way or the highway' attitude. So I took the highway. He still doesn't get it. I'm not sure I know how to answer your other topics. My hopes were simply to have a nice marriage and be happy. I treat people fairly and I'm a good spouse. I don't ask for too much in return. It just seems to be hard for most people to exhibit good behavior. I have no idea why. He didn't follow thru on anything except to try to talk me into doing what he wanted me to do. No matter how much I talked, no matter what I did or said, it didn't make a dent. But he supposedly loved me to the ends of the earth. My son says that he still talks about our divorce. My son would cringe if anyone ever suggested that me and his dad get back together. That was his worst nightmare. That kind of says it all, doesn't it?
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I re-read your post to me, because it meant so much to me & me to my particular situation. I'm glad my post meant so much to you. I do know what you're feeling. I can hear echoes of my own voice from years ago in your words. I remember wishing that I could literally crawl out of my own skin so that I could stop feeling what I felt, so that I could no longer feel the intense pain I felt. Because I really didn't know it was humanly possible to feel that kind of pain and still live. I remember his words swirling inside my head, the look in his eyes. I remember crying on the way to work, and on the way home from work, I remember feeling like I didn't have a home; that I didn't belong anywhere. I remember feeling like my heart had been shattered and then shattered again, broken beyond repair and thinking that I would never be whole again. I remember wishing that I'd catch the flu so that I could physically and emotionally vanish from my life and responsibilities for just awhile. I remember being in so much pain that I couldn't even listen to the radio, I had to tune out the world. I remember very little about that time period except feeling like I was in another world all the time, somewhat outside myself. But thank goodness I had the good sense to continue functioning and to not completely screw up my life. I don't know where that came from but it was there inside me. I think it was because I had a son that I could not and would not ever let down. It was as simple as that. I didn't have the luxury of falling apart. So I didn't.
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