HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I've seen a lot of my ex lately, meals together, relaxing and watching our fave comedies, going to see films, and we have enjoyed our time together, but it can be confusing as he is still so familiar with me, also sometimes calls me lover, so of course I end up latching onto certain things he does and says, the way he looks at me so fondly for example, I feel on a high quite often, which I know is highly foolish because I'm raising my hopes. And on the flip side the slightest thing can bring me down again, like this week, and I know it sounds so pathetic and ridiculous, but I was on a high earlier in the week cos he wanted to see me two nights running and it sounds awful but I liked the fact he has suffered with insomnia lately and seemed a bit down, as of course it made me think he was down and not sleeping cos he misses me. He had bad insomnia for a while before our break up as he was so worried about what to do for the best, I thought he would sleep better after he left, but a lot of the time he doesn't seem to. My insomnia has been awful since he left. I was on a high since seeing him at the weekend and last night but then the flipside.. I saw him today and I felt depressed immediately because he seemed happier and slept better last night. FFS, somebody please slap me! I am basing my moods on his moods/the way he appears to me. For a start I have no idea what he is REALLY thinking or feeling, so I need to STOP speculating, cos whether I get hopeful or depressed when second guessing everything, it does not help. I'm not sure what I'm saying here. I'm just on a massive downer, going from massive highs to lows based on how things are with him and I need to stop. I feel so alone and anxious. But I can't go NC. It terrifies me. I can't cope.
sean1970 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 But I can't go NC. It terrifies me. I can't cope. Are you coping now?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Sometimes I cope for a few weeks at a time, but it's usually, although not always, based on how things are with him. So it's false coping I guess Argh. And I feel hurt thinking why don't I deserve a second chance, how in the hell can he not think we're worth it. So I turn it inwards and feel it's cos I'm not worth coming back to. Crap I know, but hard to shake it off. Some couples rebuild but I guess their partners are wonderful and worth going back to. Sorry, self pity, ugh. Weird how he left as he didn't feel loved and needed enough, now I long to feel loved and needed by him. And ironically, he probably wishes I didn't have those feelings for him now so that it would be easier to be friends. Had no idea his leaving would rip me apart THIS much. Why didn't I realise how much I love and want him before it was too late. Are you coping now?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 And how can someone just not be in love anymore?
sean1970 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 And how can someone just not be in love anymore? Yes, especially when they no longer are with themselves.
Odyssey Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Oh HeavenOrHell...you're reading too much into whatever he says / do and attaching some sort of meaning to them, when in fact, there is none. With all said and done, it still comes down to, he dumped you (after 18 years together...18)! He already knows how you feel about him. Doing this friends thing is killing you. It's time to go nc.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 His self esteem and depression improved the last few years (after therapy and support/love from me), but he still doesn't have good self esteem. Nor do I, and now it's worse as I miss feeling loved and cherished. Some friends thinks he needs time out for while, especially one who left her partner for 3 years but she went back to him. A lot of people who know think he may want to try again at some point, but not to pin all my hope in it. I would find all this + NC easier if I had lots of friends to hang out with, but I don't. But I am making sure that I don't see him just cos I am lonely, I see him cos I want to see HIM. Yes, especially when they no longer are with themselves.
leap83 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 What would happen if you started talking with him about your "assumptions"? What would happen if you opened up the lines of communication and instead of wondering what the heck he's thinking and feeling, you open up yourself to actually asking him and telling him how you feel/what you're thinking? In your opinion, would this hurt your relationship with him right now? Would this hurt your relationship in general? Would being honest hurt you both? Could you stand being vulnerable that one night and listening to what he has to say (no judging, no crying, no hurt but just listening and trying to understand HIS perspective)?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I'm scared hun, scared in case it's something I don't want to hear (yes Sean, I know I need to hear it!) and scared that forcing the issue-by talking about it and implying/saying I wish we could try again-will push him away, we seem close lately. We were in limbo the last 3 or 4 months before he left while he tried to work out what he wanted to do, ie leave or stay, and I dropped everything so I could devote everything to us (I should have done this at least 2 years ago, I left it too late), and show him what he meant to me, but it felt pressured, too pressured to work. He said he worried it was too late, he wanted it to be ok but was worried it was too late as his feelings had changed. I feel it wouldn't be wise to bring the pressure back on and it would feel pressured if I said I want us to try again. I feel if it were ever going to work it would only come from building on our friendship, gently. Some friends say I need to just come straight out with it and lay my cards on the table so I know for sure either way, but it doesn't feel right to do that. What I have done is subtlety show I care and one text which wasn't very subtle, ie you are the centre of my life still, my feelings for you are so deep. I thought he might back off after that text but he didn't. I do want to say a few more things in an email though, which I do every so often, so that he's clear about things from my point of view. What I feel sad about is that when we split we finally talked all the problems through and cried together, but he said he still felt like he had to go I so regret not taking him seriously 2 years ago. I don't know, part of me wants to talk about it but it also feels like he's beyond all that. Although from the start he said to please talk about it anytime I wanted to and to let him know how the therapy sessions went and if there was anything I wanted to ask him etc etc. I think he still would talk about it now, but it wouldn't be because he wanted to rebuild, I guess. What would happen if you started talking with him about your "assumptions"? What would happen if you opened up the lines of communication and instead of wondering what the heck he's thinking and feeling, you open up yourself to actually asking him and telling him how you feel/what you're thinking? In your opinion, would this hurt your relationship with him right now? Would this hurt your relationship in general? Would being honest hurt you both? Could you stand being vulnerable that one night and listening to what he has to say (no judging, no crying, no hurt but just listening and trying to understand HIS perspective)?
leap83 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'm scared hun, scared in case it's something I don't want to hear Ok. So think about the worst possible case scenario. Think about it for a couple of weeks. Put yourself in the groove. Let yourself feel those feelings. Prepare yourself, body and mind. Eventually, you will have to hear it and it's better to hear it sooner than later (if it is the worst case scenario but you don't know this - you're assuming). It's better to hear it sooner because you will heal faster. The more you wait, the worst it will get. scared that forcing the issue-by talking about it and implying/saying I wish we could try again-will push him away, we seem close lately. Again, this is your fear acting. This is not who you are. It's your mind. You're not forcing it or pressuring him. All you're doing is asking him how he feels about you right now. You're not saying "We should get back together" and I wasn't implying on saying this but saying something like "How do you feel about me right now? What do you feel? Why do you feel that way?" So you're making HIM aware of his feelings while you're becoming more aware as well. You don't know if this will push him away - again your assumptions. Is he happy to be spending time with you? Is he there for you when you need him? Does he ask you to spend time with him or do you do all of the initiating/asking? I feel if it were ever going to work it would only come from building on our friendship, gently. You 2 have too much history to just build on the friendship. It's not that simple. You have to take the issues you have had in this relationship and meet in the middle. That's the only way of maybe paving a way of being together again. Both of you are avoiding these issues right now. What I have done is subtlety show I care and one text which wasn't very subtle, ie you are the centre of my life still, my feelings for you are so deep. I thought he might back off after that text but he didn't. He didn't. THAT'S a FACT. He didn't back off. He was there. He was okay with it (since he didn't say anything we're safe to assume this). So how do you know that he will not be open to talking about ways of bridging the relationship together? You don't. You're assuming. You're scared. Bottom line is this (and I fear of the same things you do): if you keep on fearing, nothing will get done. He will never know. You will never know. You don't know much. You're in therapy right now and you're changing. He has been witnessing this. He's open to talking about it. So why not use that as an opportunity to be on the same wavelength? My ex is also open to talking about anything in our relationship. He's happy to talk about it even though he, himself, doesn't view it as a very therapeutic thing to talk about his what he believes are mistakes, but he's open to talking about things with me. That's the MOST important thing. He cares. He cares so much that he would stand by me and help me through whatever I needed help with. Just like your ex (I would assume). How many people (men in particular) would do this if they didn't care? None. So, one thing is for certain - he has feelings for you. They might be friendship feelings but they're still some kind of feelings.
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