melanies3 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Im new to this forum and i just need some honest help. My fiance and I were supposed to get married but our child came first (now 1 year old). There have been lots of ups and downs and so we agreed to separate for 8 weeks (with intent on working through with counseling) because it was better than just breaking up. He is the one who wanted the separation but because of financial issues he claims he can't move out. I suggested he rent a room nearby so he can spend time with our son. It's been 5 weeks since we agreed to separate but nothing has really changed. We still share the same bed and are intimate, more than before so it seems. He wants family time together like holidays and every day together actually. I still cook his dinner and clean up after him, laundry, hugs and kisses and we still say "i love you". I feel like he wants everything to be good like nothing is wrong, like we aren't separated, yet he wants to say that we are separated. I feel like i'm stuck in a bigger yo-yo than before we started the separation, which isnt even a separation at all. I dont understand what he is thinking, or what he wants. He says he loves me and wants to make this work, but I can't work on my deeper issues if he is still living here. I feel I'm making this too easy for him because I do love him and want to make this work. Im a stay at home mom so it's hard for me to find my own place and i suggested that I will pay the difference of what it will cost him to rent a room someplace else. Can anyone else going through this give me some good advice?
2sure Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 If you are a stay at home Mom, yet between the two of you cannot afford the cost of his renting a room...I have to think that he is not the sole means of support for you and your son. Since you are essentially a single mother , you are probably receiving some sort of social services which would be affected if you were married. Have you considered working yourself or having him pay child support?
hurting_in_nw Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I think a little more info on the "ups and downs" would be helpful here. Basically you are not separated at all, yet he wants to say that we are separated. Why do you think that is? Is there any reason to believe there may be another woman in the picture? I dated a woman who told me she was separated, yet I found out later it wasn't much of a separation at all and I was being lied to, her husband still lived in their house, she cooked for him, etc. In her mind though, because she could say she was separated, she was. Not saying that's what is going with your situation...
ann09 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 If you're living together, sleeping together, kissing eachother and saying I love you ....how exactly are you "separated"? My H and I are living together - not sleeping together, no hugs/kisses or I love you's - but I don't consider us separated until one of us moves out.
Reading Machine Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) Give us the reason why the two of you want to separate? It sounds like he has it made. You treat him like a king. What is he bringing to this relationship. Are you his mother or what? He needs to grow up and tell you what is wrong in order for you to make some moves here; or is it you that has the issues and your not giving us the hold story. Is there another woman, do you have another man? Help us out here? Edited December 3, 2009 by Reading Machine
Author melanies3 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 No, i dont have anyone else on the side. I have asked him in our counseling session if he met someone and he said that he didn't, that he's just unhappy with the way things are going. We both have deeper issues from our childhoods that we are working on now. The problems are that we argue too much, lack of trust, lack of communication. He is fighting some addictions (he is going through a program for them) and I've stuck by his side though them, as much as it has hurt me, I know there are worse things that can happen. Whenever we do get into some type of discussion, he always gets defensive and then i feel personally attacked and backed into a corner and i just walk away. Alot of our problems started after I found out he was going to strip clubs and watching porn on a more than comfortable basis for me. Then my dad suddenly died in a car accident. Things just spiraled out of control from there. I feel unloved and he feels disrepected, which I have told him that i have lost a lot of respect for him because of his addictions and the way he treats me. He says he wants to be separated but work things out and hopefully get back together, I dont want to be separated. I think it's rediculous actually that he wants to bail on me and our son for just 8 weeks so he can get his head straight, but wont take the steps to actually give me the space and respect I deserve. The reason i treat him like a king is because I love him and he works hard to support us. But you are right, i am not getting anything in return. When i told him he needs to leave if we are truly separated, he got really mad at me like i was the one ruining everything. I just dont get it. Is he playing a game with me to see how much I love him? Maybe he's afraid he wont find someone like me again. Beautiful and crazy...
Author melanies3 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 If you are a stay at home Mom, yet between the two of you cannot afford the cost of his renting a room...I have to think that he is not the sole means of support for you and your son. Since you are essentially a single mother , you are probably receiving some sort of social services which would be affected if you were married. Have you considered working yourself or having him pay child support? I have always worked until i got layed off a year ago. Right now I get unemployment. I do not feel right applying for state services while we are living together. I konw he can get a room off Craigslist for cheap, since it's only temporary (assuming). I will be able to afford part of the rent and bills. That is why i dont understand what he's waiting for. We have no other obligations financially. Everything is separate still.
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