I'm afraid he'll forget while NC

[red_cloud]

I'm determined to do my 30 days.. everyone recommends it so there must bit at least some bit of wisdom to this.

 

But I'm afraid that in 30 days he'll totally forget me completely, so I'm torn...

 

1 - I want to contact him to remind him of me before he forgets me completely and stops missing me.

 

2 - I'm really self aware and quick at analyzing my feelings, it probably takes me around 2 weeks to get to the heart of an issue. I think guys are a little bit slower in the feelings department (I don't want this to be a gender discussion) and take a while to process things? So maybe he's so happy to be free now he won't start to miss me until later, so if I contact him before he starts missing me I'll interrupt the process and ruin it?

 

Until you start to miss your partner, I don't think any real consideration of reconciliation can happen.

 

What to do..

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you mean, I haven't gone total NC, only LC, because I hope we can rebuild on what we have, I worry he would forget how good we were together and how good we still are in many ways.

But if they forget us that easily then wouldn't that tell us something?

After 18 years, if I was forgotten after 30 days NC, then **** him!

It can take people weeks/months/years to come to decisions or realisations.

If my ex had changed his mind and wanted to come back after 2 weeks it would make me wary seeing as it took him months to come to the conclusion he had to leave, it would just make me think he doesn't know his own mind if he keeps changing it.

 

I'm determined to do my 30 days.. everyone recommends it so there must bit at least some bit of wisdom to this.

 

But I'm afraid that in 30 days he'll totally forget me completely, so I'm torn...

 

1 - I want to contact him to remind him of me before he forgets me completely and stops missing me.

 

2 - I'm really self aware and quick at analyzing my feelings, it probably takes me around 2 weeks to get to the heart of an issue. I think guys are a little bit slower in the feelings department (I don't want this to be a gender discussion) and take a while to process things? So maybe he's so happy to be free now he won't start to miss me until later, so if I contact him before he starts missing me I'll interrupt the process and ruin it?

 

Until you start to miss your partner, I don't think any real consideration of reconciliation can happen.

 

What to do..

[Odyssey]

OP I think it's better if you start taking your own advice... because you're right;)

I certainly have been through breakups before that were very painful for me, and in retrospect, I caused myself 90% of that pain by not doing NC and by refusing to let go. I didn't focus on myself.. I focused on what they were doing.

 

You'll never really forget about him and he won't either.

Don't be afraid of NC. There are plenty of nc buddies here.

[red_cloud]

OP I think it's better if you start taking your own advice... because you're right;)

 

 

You'll never really forget about him and he won't either.

Don't be afraid of NC. There are plenty of nc buddies here.

 

Yes yes, I know you're right.

 

But some of those were with just really bad guys that even though I wanted to get back together with - it was a waste of time, they didn't take me nor relationships seriously.

 

This is a good guy.. he took me and the relationship seriously. We're just in a very bad place now.

[sean1970]

I know what you mean, I haven't gone total NC, only LC....

 

I would take up donations if that would influence you into NC... Really is tough watching you put yourself through this...

[EskimoPassingBy]

I heard this many times when I was at your stage. "NC is FOR you! Not for him! You do it for yourself!".

[sean1970]

I heard this many times when I was at your stage. "NC is FOR you! Not for him! You do it for yourself!".

 

Your point being?

[HeavenOrHell]

He hasn't given me any hopes, but how do you or I know he won't ever want to ever try again? Not that I would wait years, but I would wait months, that doesn't mean I have my life on hold, I don't, I keep busy and have a life outside of him.

Even my relation therapist says no-one knows what will happen with us, she says it's ok to have a bit of hope but not to pin everything on it in case it doesn't happen, feelings change all the time she said, people do fall back in love, she said no-one can tell me to go NC as every case is different and you have to do what feels right at the time.

Most of the time it feels right to be in touch with him, sometimes I crash though, it isn't possible to not crash after long term break ups, no matter how you go about things post break.

Are you saying no matter what the outcome I need to go NC?

Sorry hijacked the thread I'll keep it brief!

 

 

I would take up donations if that would influence you into NC... Really is tough watching you put yourself through this...

[red_cloud]

I heard this many times when I was at your stage. "NC is FOR you! Not for him! You do it for yourself!".

 

I know its for me... but what if he's also for me as well?

[HeavenOrHell]

NC is supposed to be purely for yourself to heal, and not to get someone back.

 

 

Your point being?

[red_cloud]

He hasn't given me any hopes, but how do you or I know he won't ever want to ever try again? Not that I would wait years, but I would wait months, that doesn't mean I have my life on hold, I don't, I keep busy and have a life outside of him.

Even my relation therapist says no-one knows what will happen with us, she says it's ok to have a bit of hope but not to pin everything on it in case it doesn't happen, feelings change all the time she said, people do fall back in love, she said no-one can tell me to go NC as every case is different and you have to do what feels right at the time.

Most of the time it feels right to be in touch with him, sometimes I crash though, it isn't possible to not crash after long term break ups, no matter how you go about things post break.

Are you saying no matter what the outcome I need to go NC?

Sorry hijacked the thread I'll keep it brief!

 

They say to go NC for a period of time because it gives a chance for both parties to clear the mind, and in hindsight, things usually seem not as bad.

 

So when you go back to contact, you'll be in a positive light..

[HeavenOrHell]

Good point.

 

NC can bring partners back.

 

A lot of people say they are doing it purely to heal but I am pretty sure a lot of those same people are hoping it will bring their exes back.

 

Maybe that's why I don't want to go NC, I don't think it will bring my ex back, if anything was going to it would be spending quality time with him and showing him I care.

 

Each case is different.

 

I know its for me... but what if he's also for me as well?

[HeavenOrHell]

3 months after the break up we had 4 weeks not meeting up, but we did text and email.

 

I feel NC would push us further apart though

 

 

They say to go NC for a period of time because it gives a chance for both parties to clear the mind, and in hindsight, things usually seem not as bad.

 

So when you go back to contact, you'll be in a positive light..

[red_cloud]

3 months after the break up we had 4 weeks not meeting up, but we did text and email.

 

I feel NC would push us further apart though

 

Well, I dont know the details of your case.. but you can also say that staying LC you're showing that you are okay with "second class" which could make it harder to reconcile later on.. like you're okay with the scraps of contact he's giving you? But on the other hand, it does show that you support him.. so I dunno.

 

I don't know what I should do.. in one of my older threads I describe it in more detail but basically he sat on a lot of things for months that had been bothering me until they turned into a point of resentment and became very passive agressive (maybe he is passive agressive disorder) and even though I tried to work it out and change the behaviors that made him resent me - he was still being distant and difficult and blames everything on me. And then he said he doesn't have time for a relationship now and needs to focus on his life.. so, I don't know what to do

[leap83]

I think you should both (red_cloud and HeavenorHell) go NC. And this is why.

 

red_cloud:

even though I tried to work it out and change the behaviors that made him resent me - he was still being distant and difficult and blames everything on me.

 

So you worked on things and he FAILED to recognize the work you put in?! So instead of helping you out (I don't know what you were working on), he left you to do everything by yourself and didn't even offer a hand but watched you struggle?!

 

He wanted YOU to change. Another BIG thing. No. You can't change someone. One thing I have learned in relationships is to ACCEPT your partners the way they are and work with it. If you need to change them, then they're not right for you. Period. You could say something like "Hunny, when you do this it really bothers me. :)" And then they can choose to change or not change.

 

He's pointing fingers and playing the blame game. Maybe some of HIS behaviour made your behaviour the way it is. Maybe some of HIS issues made your issues bigger and more visible.

 

Think about it. It takes 2 to tango. And he's not doing that right now.

 

And then he said he doesn't have time for a relationship now and needs to focus on his life..

 

Wait... You're not a part of his life?! He's not supposed to be there to support you through thick and thin, make you feel loved and appreciated, respect you and your dreams?! I'm sorry. If someone told me this, he would be out the door.

 

So NC for you my dear. Strong NC.

 

HeavenorHell:

 

Maybe that's why I don't want to go NC, I don't think it will bring my ex back, if anything was going to it would be spending quality time with him and showing him I care.

 

Hmmmm... Does he want to spend time with you? Is he showing you he cares? Are you on the same wavelength? I hope you're not being strung along and then get hurt.

[HeavenOrHell]

YES! He made it clear before we split that he was terrified of losing me altogether, that he would always want me in my life, that I would always be the person he could be himself with and doesn't have to bull**** with, that I will always be special to him (not BS, he still says this), he said if any future gf couldn't cope with us being friends that he wouldn't be with them for long (ok, I don't imagine he would stick to that!).

For the first 3 months most of the meeting up was initiated by him until I said I needed some space and didn't meet for a month. Started meeting up recently again and when we went for a film last sunday I said do you want to come for dinner soon and he sounded keen and said yes what about tomorrow? I'd been thinking more like next weekend.

A while ago I said would you miss me if I didn't see you at all and he said "well put it this way I already miss you." He said he was just about holding his part time job down and managing to cook. That was about 6 weeks ago. Maybe he's ok now, I don't know, apart from insomnia.

 

I said something about feeling unwanted and he said "you're so not unwanted, I'd be on the phone to all the time and see you everyday if I could." (if that wouldn't be bad for me I guess).

 

 

I dont feel I'm being strung along, he loves me, is fond of me, but we have not talked about trying again.

 

You're thinking LC isn't so good for me after all? Actually it was only LC for a month, the rest of the time there's been quite a lot of contact.

 

I think you should both (red_cloud and HeavenorHell) go NC. And this is why.

 

 

HeavenorHell:

 

 

 

Hmmmm... Does he want to spend time with you? Is he showing you he cares? Are you on the same wavelength? I hope you're not being strung along and then get hurt.

[leap83]

One thing LC is doing right now for you is tearing you up inside. You're torn. Just like me. I have chosen NC over LC (even though I'm pretty sure that won't last for long). I answered in your thread so we wouldn't hijack this one. haha.

[red_cloud]

I think you should both (red_cloud and HeavenorHell) go NC. And this is why.

 

red_cloud:

 

 

So you worked on things and he FAILED to recognize the work you put in?! So instead of helping you out (I don't know what you were working on), he left you to do everything by yourself and didn't even offer a hand but watched you struggle?!

 

He wanted YOU to change. Another BIG thing. No. You can't change someone. One thing I have learned in relationships is to ACCEPT your partners the way they are and work with it. If you need to change them, then they're not right for you. Period. You could say something like "Hunny, when you do this it really bothers me. :)" And then they can choose to change or not change.

 

He's pointing fingers and playing the blame game. Maybe some of HIS behaviour made your behaviour the way it is. Maybe some of HIS issues made your issues bigger and more visible.

 

Think about it. It takes 2 to tango. And he's not doing that right now.

 

 

 

 

I know.. its just so hard for me to accept that for 7 months he cared, and after #8 he could careless now..

 

I need to print out your posts and carry them around with me when I start wavering.

[almostpassedit]

he probably started to forget you while in the relationship.

nc won't do anything to him since he's the one who ended it but will do wonders for you since your the one whois heart broken.

 

ps: he already forget you or is 80% there.

 

nothing you can do, find a new boyfriend, have sex with him, push through the pain and in a few months you won't care OR do it the RIGHT way or stay by yourself for a couple of months, grief, heal and let time takes its course, eitherway, he doesn't want you for now, if ever.

 

good luck

[leap83]

I know.. its just so hard for me to accept that for 7 months he cared, and after #8 he could careless now..

 

I need to print out your posts and carry them around with me when I start wavering.

 

The thing about it, cloud, is that you're living in a (to be really blunt but not trying to be mean) fantasy. Based solely on the post I cropped the quotes out of, I can sense (I'm assuming) that he's not the one for you. I'll tell you why I believe this and you can agree or disagree with me.

 

1. If he was the one, he would be there for you through these issues (if you were willing to change them) and work with you.

2. When and if you changed and even if you didn't, he would acknowledge that you have at least tried. He would be happy that you were willing to at least try.

3. He wouldn't play the blame game. He would look at himself as well and see whether maybe you can meet in the middle.

4. At most, he would accept who you are and support you, love you and respect you the way you are.

5. He would help you grow and learn.

 

It doesn't matter that you're not together right now. If he was the one, he would stick by you (as a "friend") no matter what. He would be happy to talk with you about the issues and help you understand his views. He would be open to any honest talk and answering any of the questions you may have. This shows that he cares a lot about you (because, let's face it - no man would actually go through this if they didn't care about you).

 

So, what should you do? Go NC. He's not the one for you. You don't need someone who is not willing to look at themselves, grow and improve and who is not willing to sometimes bend a little bit. You gave it your best. Relationships are about giving and receiving. You gave a lot. What did you receive? A closed door.

[4givrnt4gtr]

You know i went thru something similar while battling whether to cut my ex off completely.

 

My reasoning, in my case, behind being friends with him on facebook and even sending him little funny messages was that it would surely help him remember how fun our relationship was and when he saw my page how people care for me. Surely its because im a great girl right? I also wanted him to think..."ohhh if i was still with her we would be doing THAT together"

 

But instead what was happening was that all those thoughts I wanted him to have were the thoughts i was having towards him. Not only that but I also had to deal with things i couldnt understand and he couldnt/didnt want to clarify. It was driving me crazy.

 

And then something else happened. I realized how much i love that man....and I really want someone who loves me the same way. Given that, I know for a fact that if i go NC on him I will not forget him. Far from it. I actually miss him more and I am more sure he is the man (or type of man if things dont turn out the way i want) I want to marry. SO if he loves me the way I need him to love me, Im sure it will be the same for him. If not, if he just forgets me, then he wasnt the man I needed after all.

 

Another thing I realized....sure I was afraid he would forget me....but I think deep down I more afraid I would forget him and all this pain and longing would have been invalidated. We tend to think that the extend with which we hurt is related to how much we love and when we realize that just a simple change can stop the hurt we wonder if we actually loved.

 

Personally, yeah life keeps on going. I've even been with someone else in the short time I decided to cut my ex off of my life for good. Even then, it just made me more aware of how much i really love the guy and how its gonna be hard to replace him. But I am glad I went NC.....cuz i know that if he does come back, if he doesnt forget me its real, not just because i was so in his face he had no choice.

 

Just my experience

[sean1970]

Good post 4givrnt4gtr.

[HeavenOrHell]

Good post and you are right, the only thing which isn't the same in my case is that I have no doubt that I loved and that I still do love, there is just no question of that, well I guess it would be odd if I wasn't sure I loved him after 18 years! I loved our 18 years together and miss him/us acutely.

 

 

You know i went thru something similar while battling whether to cut my ex off completely.

 

My reasoning, in my case, behind being friends with him on facebook and even sending him little funny messages was that it would surely help him remember how fun our relationship was and when he saw my page how people care for me. Surely its because im a great girl right? I also wanted him to think..."ohhh if i was still with her we would be doing THAT together"

 

But instead what was happening was that all those thoughts I wanted him to have were the thoughts i was having towards him. Not only that but I also had to deal with things i couldnt understand and he couldnt/didnt want to clarify. It was driving me crazy.

 

And then something else happened. I realized how much i love that man....and I really want someone who loves me the same way. Given that, I know for a fact that if i go NC on him I will not forget him. Far from it. I actually miss him more and I am more sure he is the man (or type of man if things dont turn out the way i want) I want to marry. SO if he loves me the way I need him to love me, Im sure it will be the same for him. If not, if he just forgets me, then he wasnt the man I needed after all.

 

Another thing I realized....sure I was afraid he would forget me....but I think deep down I more afraid I would forget him and all this pain and longing would have been invalidated. We tend to think that the extend with which we hurt is related to how much we love and when we realize that just a simple change can stop the hurt we wonder if we actually loved.

 

Personally, yeah life keeps on going. I've even been with someone else in the short time I decided to cut my ex off of my life for good. Even then, it just made me more aware of how much i really love the guy and how its gonna be hard to replace him. But I am glad I went NC.....cuz i know that if he does come back, if he doesnt forget me its real, not just because i was so in his face he had no choice.

 

Just my experience

[red_cloud]

The thing about it, cloud, is that you're living in a (to be really blunt but not trying to be mean) fantasy. Based solely on the post I cropped the quotes out of, I can sense (I'm assuming) that he's not the one for you. I'll tell you why I believe this and you can agree or disagree with me.

 

1. If he was the one, he would be there for you through these issues (if you were willing to change them) and work with you.

2. When and if you changed and even if you didn't, he would acknowledge that you have at least tried. He would be happy that you were willing to at least try.

3. He wouldn't play the blame game. He would look at himself as well and see whether maybe you can meet in the middle.

4. At most, he would accept who you are and support you, love you and respect you the way you are.

5. He would help you grow and learn.

 

It doesn't matter that you're not together right now. If he was the one, he would stick by you (as a "friend") no matter what. He would be happy to talk with you about the issues and help you understand his views. He would be open to any honest talk and answering any of the questions you may have. This shows that he cares a lot about you (because, let's face it - no man would actually go through this if they didn't care about you).

 

So, what should you do? Go NC. He's not the one for you. You don't need someone who is not willing to look at themselves, grow and improve and who is not willing to sometimes bend a little bit. You gave it your best. Relationships are about giving and receiving. You gave a lot. What did you receive? A closed door.

 

Actually, he did want to be friends but I said no thanks and he was quiet upset that I didn't want to remain friends (maybe a reason for some of his outrageous anger at me?)

 

But I do agree with you - no one deserves to be in that kind of relationship and I certainly don't plan on being in one. I would actually go back to him and be like - everything is okay the way it was, because obviously its not.

 

Its just he's going through a very tough period right now and I know he's under a lot of external and internal pressure so whether we are together or not, he can't be there for me right now. If anything, if we were in a relationship, I would need to be there supporting him. But he didn't want to tell me about it, but when we had our last conversation it became obvious from how upset he was when he started talking about it, so I can kind of understand his point when I was asking him why he wasn't around anymore and with everything he's going through, where normally he might be and has been understanding in the past, he was just like -- I can't deal with you right now.

 

Which is why I wonder if the NC thing is the right thing to do or not...because on the one hand I don't want to push him away and put the message out there that I don't care what he's going through but since he can't be there for me I'm breaking up with him (although I did tell him when things settle down I'd like to think about getting back together). But on the other hand - I don't want to be like -- I'm willing to sit through anything because I want to be with you soooo bad, which is not the case.

Edited December 4, 2009 by red_cloud

[red_cloud]

You know i went thru something similar while battling whether to cut my ex off completely.

 

My reasoning, in my case, behind being friends with him on facebook and even sending him little funny messages was that it would surely help him remember how fun our relationship was and when he saw my page how people care for me. Surely its because im a great girl right? I also wanted him to think..."ohhh if i was still with her we would be doing THAT together"

 

But instead what was happening was that all those thoughts I wanted him to have were the thoughts i was having towards him. Not only that but I also had to deal with things i couldnt understand and he couldnt/didnt want to clarify. It was driving me crazy.

 

And then something else happened. I realized how much i love that man....and I really want someone who loves me the same way. Given that, I know for a fact that if i go NC on him I will not forget him. Far from it. I actually miss him more and I am more sure he is the man (or type of man if things dont turn out the way i want) I want to marry. SO if he loves me the way I need him to love me, Im sure it will be the same for him. If not, if he just forgets me, then he wasnt the man I needed after all.

 

Another thing I realized....sure I was afraid he would forget me....but I think deep down I more afraid I would forget him and all this pain and longing would have been invalidated. We tend to think that the extend with which we hurt is related to how much we love and when we realize that just a simple change can stop the hurt we wonder if we actually loved.

 

Personally, yeah life keeps on going. I've even been with someone else in the short time I decided to cut my ex off of my life for good. Even then, it just made me more aware of how much i really love the guy and how its gonna be hard to replace him. But I am glad I went NC.....cuz i know that if he does come back, if he doesnt forget me its real, not just because i was so in his face he had no choice.

 

Just my experience

 

Great post