Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 But I went back and said, "If you dont feel comfortable telling me still, that's okay" So, I dunno, now I'm confused.
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Unlerss you are just looking to bone her, I wouldnt waste time with a recently divorced. They take years to get their crap together emotionally. She is going to go through a nuts phase, especially about seeing men. You can be one of them, but wrap it up
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 But Ims till fairly young, and dont date odler women, so it would pretty much mean she made a very bad decision getting married, and or is the type to flee when things get tough. How old are you, JB? Unlerss you are just looking to bone her, I wouldnt waste time with a recently divorced. They take years to get their crap together emotionally. She is going to go through a nuts phase, especially about seeing men. You can be one of them, but wrap it up God, that's funny. I was married 4-1/2 years. 4 months after the finalization, I was dating. The recent divorce had zero effect on the new relationship. I was with the guy for 6 months and when I broke up with him, it wasn't a thing to do with my divorce. I can't say I've been promiscuous in the past 16 months (since the divorce), either - since I've only been with 2 men in that time.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I was married 4-1/2 years. 4 months after the finalization, I was dating. The recent divorce had zero effect on the new relationship. I was with the guy for 6 months and when I broke up with him, it wasn't a thing to do with my divorce. I can't say I've been promiscuous in the past 16 months (since the divorce), either - since I've only been with 2 men in that time. Yeah but you weren't telling men "I'm not ready to date, give me 'til after Christmas and see where I stand emotionally" were you? I think that's the difference.
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Yeah but you weren't telling men "I'm not ready to date, give me 'til after Christmas and see where I stand emotionally" were you? I think that's the difference. Yeah, but the one that was screwed up or heart broken or got dumped, is the one suffering, the other party probably could've given a rats buttcrack...and wind up dating someone before the ink on the divorce papers were dry.
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 How old are you, JB? God, that's funny. I was married 4-1/2 years. 4 months after the finalization, I was dating. The recent divorce had zero effect on the new relationship. I was with the guy for 6 months and when I broke up with him, it wasn't a thing to do with my divorce. I can't say I've been promiscuous in the past 16 months (since the divorce), either - since I've only been with 2 men in that time. 35 And I do tend to view these things through a lense of women I date. My experience, friends and otherwise, women who leave a marriage after many eyars go somewhat nuts. They just were tired down, not looking to be retied down. Starting to feel attractive again. They can build up quite a number of bed notches Not judging, I get it. But I always warn my friends, they never listen. And the thing is thye go real passionate at the start of a relationship, then die out quickly. So they leave these poor slobs a wreck, like wtf happened. From magic/once in a lifetime to cold fish
InspiredbyYou Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yeah, but the one that was screwed up or heart broken or got dumped, is the one suffering, the other party probably could've given a rats buttcrack...and wind up dating someone before the ink on the divorce papers were dry. Sure, but no one is disputing that the dumper is the one that moves on fastest. Was that the point? This woman, regardless of if she is the dumper or dumpee, is telling you flat out she is not over things.
Stockalone Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 It seems if there were kids that came from the marriage would be a big factor, but if the person didn't have kids...it just seems as they've NEVER even been married. Ever date someone that had been divorced without children? The mere fact that a woman is divorced wouldn't bother me. But if she has kids, I wouldn't date her. I also wouldn't date her if the ex-husband is still a friend. And I also would want to know why she got divorced.
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well, if I'm probably going to date her, I think I would have the right to know. Right now she's someone you've talked to online for a week but never met, who is being reticent about meeting. At this point, you actually don't have the "right" to know. I don't think you're "probably going to date her," at least not anytime soon. Based on the limited amount of information you've given, it seems she's trying to make that clear to you. But if you do start dating, and it looks like it's going to be serious, THEN you can ask her. First things first.
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Right now she's someone you've talked to online for a week but never met, who is being reticent about meeting. At this point, you actually don't have the "right" to know. I don't think you're "probably going to date her," at least not anytime soon. Based on the limited amount of information you've given, it seems she's trying to make that clear to you. But if you do start dating, and it looks like it's going to be serious, THEN you can ask her. First things first. Yeah, but the thing is...I kinda got "talked out" with her as well, so I guess I figured that would be okay for the next topic of conversation was inevitble anyhow. " So...guess since I kind of "ran out of things" to talk about, figured that'd be the next thing to ask (and is sometimes commonly asked)
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Yeah but you weren't telling men "I'm not ready to date, give me 'til after Christmas and see where I stand emotionally" were you? I think that's the difference. Um, no. LOL 35 And I do tend to view these things through a lense of women I date. My experience, friends and otherwise, women who leave a marriage after many eyars go somewhat nuts. They just were tired down, not looking to be retied down. Starting to feel attractive again. They can build up quite a number of bed notches Not judging, I get it. But I always warn my friends, they never listen. And the thing is thye go real passionate at the start of a relationship, then die out quickly. So they leave these poor slobs a wreck, like wtf happened. From magic/once in a lifetime to cold fish Holy sheep-dip. I'm only 29. So I guess I was just looking to not be tied down and can't keep a commitment. I'm glad you cleared that up for me. I really don't want to get into details and total TJ this thread, but I'm just going to say, JB - don't be so quick to judge on this matter. It's NOT all black and white, my friend.
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I also wouldn't date her if the ex-husband is still a friend. Really? Why not? My ex is a great friend of mine, just as he was before we got married. I can't imagine not having his friendship. Doesn't mean there's anything romantic going on between us at all, but we've known each other for 15 years and shared a lot of things during that time. My longest relationship other than my marriage was four years, and he got to be good friends with my ex-husband. That relationship ended amicably too; we just got tired of the long-distance thing and we both had lives we loved in our respective cities. So now all three of us are friends. I treasure both of them. And that ex, the long-distance guy, was friends with his ex-wife, and we visited her once when we were in her city. I have no issue whatsoever with people I date being friends with exes -- spouses or otherwise. As long as they're not still physical with each other, it's fine; I don't have trouble accepting that they loved others before me and are still fond of those people. I see this tendency on LS to speak in absolutes, and it confuses me. I think we're all individuals with varied and complex lives, and every human relationship should therefore be evaluated individually as well. If someone maintains friendships with their exes, to me it speaks of their character. I'm a LOT more wary of someone who hates all their exes and doesn't communicate with ANY of them! To me, that's the bigger red flag. So...guess since I kind of "ran out of things" to talk about, figured that'd be the next thing to ask You've been talking to her online-only for a week, have already run out of things to talk about, have been told she's not interested in dating, and you think you're "probably going to be dating her?" I would just ask respectfully that you take a realistic look at this and perhaps set your sights elsewhere.
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Really? Why not? My ex is a great friend of mine, just as he was before we got married. I can't imagine not having his friendship. Doesn't mean there's anything romantic going on between us at all, but we've known each other for 15 years and shared a lot of things during that time. My longest relationship other than my marriage was four years, and he got to be good friends with my ex-husband. That relationship ended amicably too; we just got tired of the long-distance thing and we both had lives we loved in our respective cities. So now all three of us are friends. I treasure both of them. And that ex, the long-distance guy, was friends with his ex-wife, and we visited her once when we were in her city. I have no issue whatsoever with people I date being friends with exes -- spouses or otherwise. As long as they're not still physical with each other, it's fine; I don't have trouble accepting that they loved others before me and are still fond of those people. I see this tendency on LS to speak in absolutes, and it confuses me. I think we're all individuals with varied and complex lives, and every human relationship should therefore be evaluated individually as well. If someone maintains friendships with their exes, to me it speaks of their character. I'm a LOT more wary of someone who hates all their exes and doesn't communicate with ANY of them! To me, that's the bigger red flag. You've been talking to her online-only for a week, have already run out of things to talk about, have been told she's not interested in dating, and you think you're "probably going to be dating her?" I would just ask respectfully that you take a realistic look at this and perhaps set your sights elsewhere. Well, that's why I have multiple prospects. ;-)
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Um, no. LOL Holy sheep-dip. I'm only 29. So I guess I was just looking to not be tied down and can't keep a commitment. I'm glad you cleared that up for me. I really don't want to get into details and total TJ this thread, but I'm just going to say, JB - don't be so quick to judge on this matter. It's NOT all black and white, my friend. Or make poor decisions:) It isnt about "all divorcees = (insert whatever) Its more about its not really worth the effort unless shes "wow" to you And even then its generally a bad idea. And I know a lot of divorced women, and almost all of them say the same. There are always exceptions
Stockalone Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Really? Why not? ... I see this tendency on LS to speak in absolutes, and it confuses me. ... I'm a LOT more wary of someone who hates all their exes and doesn't communicate with ANY of them! To me, that's the bigger red flag. That would be me, except I don't hate my exes. I just don't see the point in staying friends with exes, it makes no sense to me. But I am also the kind of guy who can't be friends with women. I tried, but it doesn't work for me. So, I don't date women who are friends with exes. I just can't relate and that would eventually cause trouble. That doesn't mean that it is wrong for people to stay friends with exes. It's just not for me.
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 That would be me, except I don't hate my exes. I just don't see the point in staying friends with exes, it makes no sense to me. So, I don't date women who are friends with exes. I just can't relate and that would eventually cause trouble. That's too bad! Why do you think it is that you can't have female friends? I really treasure my male friends, and have a lot of them. I love having a male perspective on things from good guys I can trust. And I certainly have close guy friends with whom I've never had any kind of romantic relationship, so I know it's possible! For me, the point of staying friends with my ex-husband is that we've known each other for so long and were best friends before we ever started dating. Just because we didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean he's not one of my favorite people on the planet. Based on our shared history, I can honestly say he knows me, and I know him, better than anyone else. We love and support each other unconditionally and can always count on each other. If anyone I dated couldn't understand our friendship, I wouldn't want to date them. Fortunately, that's never been the case!
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 That's too bad! Why do you think it is that you can't have female friends? I really treasure my male friends, and have a lot of them. I love having a male perspective on things from good guys I can trust. And I certainly have close guy friends with whom I've never had any kind of romantic relationship, so I know it's possible! For me, the point of staying friends with my ex-husband is that we've known each other for so long and were best friends before we ever started dating. Just because we didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean he's not one of my favorite people on the planet. Based on our shared history, I can honestly say he knows me, and I know him, better than anyone else. We love and support each other unconditionally and can always count on each other. If anyone I dated couldn't understand our friendship, I wouldn't want to date them. Fortunately, that's never been the case! Typically, women don't have problem being friends with men. Also, some women maintain a "pool" of some male friends as prospects after they break up with a current boyfriend. Yes, this does happen. lol
Stockalone Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 That's too bad! Why do you think it is that you can't have female friends? What I have learned from the one time I tried to be friends with a woman is that if I like her enough to want to be friends, I'd rather have a relationship with her. It has become apparent that I view women as a potential gf first and foremost. "Just" being friends requires a lot of effort on my part. I get emotionally attached to women I like and get along with well. Maybe too much to be healthy for a friendship. To separate romantic interest and friendship was very difficult. Don't get me wrong, I very much miss what this friendship brought to my life. But essentially, my life is a lot less complicated without a female friend. It's lonelier too, but I guess that is the price I have to pay. Given that a friendship can end just as abrupt as a relationship, I am not going to invest so much emotionally in a friendship again. If anyone I dated couldn't understand our friendship, I wouldn't want to date them. I understand that and that is the way it should be.
tami-chan Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Hmm I wouldn't avoid, unless of course reason for divorce, but hey! who find out these days anyway? You ask why she broke up with her ex, it's always his fault, never hers. Who knows what's real and what's not real. lol..it is always HIS fault
tami-chan Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Guess part is I never felt I had to, as in that was the best prospect at the time Partly because none ever blew me away And I suppose in large part that it takes a while to really get to know someone. I mean at least 6+ months before you are really seeing them, and can start making rational decisions about whether you two are compatible, good for each other. So when you start seeing flags at the beginning, there is a definite hesitency to explore further. People make poor decisions, it isnt a curse. But yeah it does say soemthing about them. Id probably feel less so about an older woman who left a 20 yr marriage. **** happens. But Ims till fairly young, and dont date odler women, so it would pretty much mean she made a very bad decision getting married, and or is the type to flee when things get tough. Is she so great tis worth finding out which si true, even if its the best of the possible truths? Ive never been married. Dont have kids. Worked to succeed in school and in my career. Dont have debt, my stuff is paid for. I dont create headaches for msyelf, not particualrly interested in buying other peoples instead. hehe...because single women do not have issues/baggage?
Author b52s Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 That's too bad! Why do you think it is that you can't have female friends? I really treasure my male friends, and have a lot of them. I love having a male perspective on things from good guys I can trust. And I certainly have close guy friends with whom I've never had any kind of romantic relationship, so I know it's possible! For me, the point of staying friends with my ex-husband is that we've known each other for so long and were best friends before we ever started dating. Just because we didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean he's not one of my favorite people on the planet. Based on our shared history, I can honestly say he knows me, and I know him, better than anyone else. We love and support each other unconditionally and can always count on each other. If anyone I dated couldn't understand our friendship, I wouldn't want to date them. Fortunately, that's never been the case! I don't maintain any TIGHT friendships with women, for one, they never wanted to do the same with me either. Sure, we were on an acquaintance level....but that was it. There had been times where there were a couple of female friends that were wanting to be good friends with me. But typically once they got seriously involved with another guy, she would stop staying in touch with me. I guess I can understand, because that is the way of things. But, with this one, when she got married, she basically stopped emailing me....when she was engaged she asked that I just email her at her work email (and not at home) There was this one other woman I was good friends with, that had a boyfriend, but then when he moved in, she asked that I stopped calling her to chit-chat. Apparently, he had said something to her about it, and I just talked to her whenever I saw her in the college class I was taking with her. So from then on, I just keep things more on an acquaintance level with women
Recommended Posts