b52s Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I was wondering, does dating a divorced woman WITHOUT feel the same as dating a woman who had just merely had broken up with a regular ol' boyfriend? It seems if there were kids that came from the marriage would be a big factor, but if the person didn't have kids...it just seems as they've NEVER even been married. Ever date someone that had been divorced without children? It seems since the couple never had a family come out of it, it's as if was really just a boyfriend/g/f relationship...right?
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Its not the same Generally best to avoid it imo Unless you are divorced as well I guess
tami-chan Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Its not the same Generally best to avoid it imo Unless you are divorced as well I guess why avoid?
Pizzaman81 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 why avoid? Hmm I wouldn't avoid, unless of course reason for divorce, but hey! who find out these days anyway? You ask why she broke up with her ex, it's always his fault, never hers. Who knows what's real and what's not real.
Boundary Problem Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Hmm I wouldn't avoid, unless of course reason for divorce, but hey! who find out these days anyway? You ask why she broke up with her ex, it's always his fault, never hers. Who knows what's real and what's not real. Assess the situation for yourself, get to know the people involved and apply common sense. Divorced people can make excellent partners. Nothing like a little experience to calm troubled waters.
CarrieT Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Heck, I've been divorced for 20 years. And I never had kids. What is the difference between me and someone who has just broken up with a regular ole boyfriend? Sometimes there are reasons people don't have children and it doesn't make the relationship any less intense or important than those people who have families.
JohnP82 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I'll be honest, I would be wary of dating someone that has been divorced. Especially if she is my age, 25.
phineas Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 If she is older (mid 30's) then you have to wonder if she wants kids & if she does she probably is looking for a guy to give them to her. I'm 38 next month. when I start dateing again it won't be anyone that wants kids because I absolutly don't want anymore. someone like the OP described would concern me just on that alone depending on her age.
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 why avoid? Guess part is I never felt I had to, as in that was the best prospect at the time Partly because none ever blew me away And I suppose in large part that it takes a while to really get to know someone. I mean at least 6+ months before you are really seeing them, and can start making rational decisions about whether you two are compatible, good for each other. So when you start seeing flags at the beginning, there is a definite hesitency to explore further. People make poor decisions, it isnt a curse. But yeah it does say soemthing about them. Id probably feel less so about an older woman who left a 20 yr marriage. **** happens. But Ims till fairly young, and dont date odler women, so it would pretty much mean she made a very bad decision getting married, and or is the type to flee when things get tough. Is she so great tis worth finding out which si true, even if its the best of the possible truths? Ive never been married. Dont have kids. Worked to succeed in school and in my career. Dont have debt, my stuff is paid for. I dont create headaches for msyelf, not particualrly interested in buying other peoples instead.
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Why would it bother you? Lots of people are divorced. I was married in my early 20s and it didn't work out. Now I'm 38. Does this mean I should have been dateless this whole time? We're not living in the Old Testament...
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I recently met this woman, she's 30....recently divorced in the summer....she was only married for 9 months, but won't get into the details (so it was probably a bad situation) So I dunno, still in the process of getting to know her. She has no kids.
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Why would it bother you? Lots of people are divorced. I was married in my early 20s and it didn't work out. Now I'm 38. Does this mean I should have been dateless this whole time? We're not living in the Old Testament... I actually like you,. so dont take this the wrong way But you are 38 and chasing drummers. You exactrly fit why Id be worried about that type of person But youd probably be an interestign person to know
InspiredbyYou Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 It seems since the couple never had a family come out of it, it's as if was really just a boyfriend/g/f relationship...right? Yup totally agree. Marriage is just a piece of paper, if you have lived with someone and been in a long term relationship it's the exact same thing as being married minus the paper. Children changes the dynamic for sure. If they never had kids it's the same as breaking up with a long term relationship, you split the combined assets, you divorce their family and pick up the pieces of broken heart (if applicable) as if you were married. Same thing.
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 recently divorced in the summer....she was only married for 9 months, but won't get into the details A nine-month marriage that recently ended would be more of a red flag for me than someone who'd been divorced for years. Does she seem to be over her ex? As for not going into details, that's also a bit of a red flag. I don't need to know everything about my partners' pasts, but a simple explanation of why things didn't work out is always appreciated. I have no problem telling folks why I'm divorced -- we were best friends in grad school who made the mistake of thinking we should be a couple, but we discovered we were sexually incompatible. So after five years of trying to force an physical attraction, we decided to amicably end the marriage in order to save the (still very strong) friendship. Sometimes things just don't work out, y'know? Especially when you marry too young. A marriage that ends after nine months, however, is a bit more alarming. Perhaps he cheated on her or abused her, in which case her reticence to talk about it is slightly more understandable. Still, just saying, "He cheated," or "he was abusive," would be enough of an explanation. Has she refused to tell you anything at all? if you have lived with someone and been in a long term relationship it's the exact same thing as being married minus the paper. Yup, agreed!
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 A nine-month marriage that recently ended would be more of a red flag for me than someone who'd been divorced for years. Does she seem to be over her ex? As for not going into details, that's also a bit of a red flag. I don't need to know everything about my partners' pasts, but a simple explanation of why things didn't work out is always appreciated. I have no problem telling folks why I'm divorced -- we were best friends in grad school who made the mistake of thinking we should be a couple, but we discovered we were sexually incompatible. So after five years of trying to force an physical attraction, we decided to amicably end the marriage in order to save the (still very strong) friendship. Sometimes things just don't work out, y'know? Especially when you marry too young. A marriage that ends after nine months, however, is a bit more alarming. Perhaps he cheated on her or abused her, in which case her reticence to talk about it is slightly more understandable. Still, just saying, "He cheated," or "he was abusive," would be enough of an explanation. Has she refused to tell you anything at all? Yup, agreed! You think I should press for a breif explanation?
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 You think I should press for a breif explanation? Not press, exactly, but if you keep dating and see the potential for a long-term relationship, I'd politely ask her to fill you in. Let her know you don't need a big long story, but you'd like to understand. See above where I gave a two-sentence description of why my marriage didn't work -- she should be able to do the same without giving all the gory details, and then you'll understand her a lot better. If she's unwilling to do that, I'd wonder what else she's hiding.
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 A nine-month marriage that recently ended would be more of a red flag for me than someone who'd been divorced for years. Does she seem to be over her ex? As for not going into details, that's also a bit of a red flag. I don't need to know everything about my partners' pasts, but a simple explanation of why things didn't work out is always appreciated. I have no problem telling folks why I'm divorced -- we were best friends in grad school who made the mistake of thinking we should be a couple, but we discovered we were sexually incompatible. So after five years of trying to force an physical attraction, we decided to amicably end the marriage in order to save the (still very strong) friendship. Sometimes things just don't work out, y'know? Especially when you marry too young. A marriage that ends after nine months, however, is a bit more alarming. Perhaps he cheated on her or abused her, in which case her reticence to talk about it is slightly more understandable. Still, just saying, "He cheated," or "he was abusive," would be enough of an explanation. Has she refused to tell you anything at all? Yup, agreed! Actually, I think she said more along the lines she's not ready to date just yet, because she's still recovering from the hurt of the divorce...but I think she might have mentioned she didn't want to get into it. Cant rememver now
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Actually, I think she said more along the lines she's not ready to date just yet, because she's still recovering from the hurt of the divorce...but I think she might have mentioned she didn't want to get into it. Cant rememver now Wait...you're dating her but she's not ready to date? And you don't remember if she's hurting or not, or what she told you about her past? Confused.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Actually, I think she said more along the lines she's not ready to date just yet, because she's still recovering from the hurt of the divorce...but I think she might have mentioned she didn't want to get into it. Cant rememver now Now that's a realistic reason NOT to get involved with her. She is emotionally not available. I would definitely heed her comments. Wait...you're dating her but she's not ready to date? And you don't remember if she's hurting or not, or what she told you about her past? Confused. Seriously!! !?!?!?
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Now that's a realistic reason NOT to get involved with her. She is emotionally not available. I would definitely heed her comments. Seriously!! !?!?!? I met her online, and I am in the process of getting to know her, she lives locally. I asked her to coffee, but she said she wants until after the holidays to do it. I met her on myspace....during that time, I've been getting to know her that past week or so already.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I asked her to coffee, but she said she wants until after the holidays to do it. I met her on myspace....during that time, I've been getting to know her that past week or so already. Hate to break it to you but there is no "change after the holidays" you think a person who is telling you "I am still messed up about my divorce" is going to get over it in a few weeks? Not a hope. I strongly advice you move on. You will be rebound if you proceed. She is not ready. Let her know you've thought about it and given your conversations you decided it's best to let her sort out her heart at her own pace and on her own. Down the line when she is feeling confident about her emotions and progress in terms of getting over her past she can definitely look you up as you would happy to talk to her again, provided you are available. Trust me, waste of time.
Jerseyboy. Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Actually, I think she said more along the lines she's not ready to date just yet, because she's still recovering from the hurt of the divorce...but I think she might have mentioned she didn't want to get into it. Cant rememver now Dude WTF
sedgwick Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I met her online, and I am in the process of getting to know her, she lives locally. I asked her to coffee, but she said she wants until after the holidays to do it. I met her on myspace....during that time, I've been getting to know her that past week or so already. Oh, okay. That makes more sense. In that case, no, don't press for an explanation if you've only known her a week and haven't actually met her. It sounds, however, like she's trying to let you know she's really not ready to date. Wanting to wait until after the holidays to have coffee is a pretty clear sign -- who doesn't have time to meet for half an hour for a cup of coffee? Just be respectful of her privacy and desire to be alone right now.
Author b52s Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Oh, okay. That makes more sense. In that case, no, don't press for an explanation if you've only known her a week and haven't actually met her. It sounds, however, like she's trying to let you know she's really not ready to date. Wanting to wait until after the holidays to have coffee is a pretty clear sign -- who doesn't have time to meet for half an hour for a cup of coffee? Just be respectful of her privacy and desire to be alone right now. Well, if I'm probably going to date her, I think I would have the right to know. I mean, it would probably affect me even. I think we went back and forth long enough to discuss her previous marriage and what happened, she doesn't have to get into details. (Besides I already asked, lol)
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