Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I have a stubborn ex. When I said no contact, he said he'd email me in December. So December 1st he sends me this email. It's to a youtube video made for him by a mutual friend. The friend wrote a poem for the ex and set it to images and music by Ryan Adams.... it's all about his birth mother. (he's adopted) It's a pretty heavy topic for him, and I'm thinking he really just wanted to share this. I think. But I am wondering all sorts of things now. Should I respond or not? Is he just trying to trick me? Should I block him? I have gone through a slew of emotions over this. ugh. Should I consider being friends with him if he contacts me again? I was thinking of just waiting to see if he emails again before I decide on what to do exactly, but at the same time I don't not want to respond to this video that he is sharing with me.....
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) Guess I should mention.... We broke up in September. Emails went back and forth until November 3. He contacts me mid-November, and I respond... I wanted NC but like I said he's stubborn.... it's an ego thing maybe. Now two weeks later he's contacting me again. So I don't know. Maybe I should consider being friends? Or block him? The relationship is over. We both know it was going nowhere. I don't know why he can't just leave me alone. Maybe I should consider the possibility of maintaining friendly email contact. Don't know that I could see him just yet.... What a mess. Can't seem to think straight now and need some common sense. Edited December 3, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
jerbear Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I think 3 months maybe to short to be friends with your ex. I suggest that you tell him that it is to short of a time, perhaps in the future and no friendship right now.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I think 3 months maybe to short to be friends with your ex. I could make up my mind to be just friendly, and respond. It seems harsh to just block him just yet, and indifferent to not respond. I'm leaning toward a friendly, thoughtful response now, only because of the subject of the email/video.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 What I'm really dealing with is how smart it is to try and be friends with an ex.
Boundary Problem Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I could make up my mind to be just friendly, and respond. It seems harsh to just block him just yet, and indifferent to not respond. I'm leaning toward a friendly, thoughtful response now, only because of the subject of the email/video. He knows you well. He knows you want NC, but that you won't leave him hanging due to the subject matter of his communication. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 He knows you well. He knows you want NC, but that you won't leave him hanging due to the subject matter of his communication. He knows exactly what he is doing. I'm afraid of this. And I always respond to him. I've tried to end this relationship as friendly and sweetly as possible. I'm such a goof, not wanting him to get hurt, feeling guilty for what I've put him through. So it would be out of habit to not respond. Maybe this is the better thing to do then... I don't know that he's trying to manipulate me though. Seems in the past when I think the worst about him, it's not true.... he really did mean well. I've done it before, thinking he just wanted to hurt me. WRONG.
carhill Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I now understand better why you were advising our virgin to be more persistent with his ambivalent friend. Tell me, do you secretly like it when a man doesn't respect your wishes, like for no contact? You do understand that such a mixed message hurts only yourself, don't you? My stbx and I can have routine contact because we stick to the business of divorce and don't get off on emotional tangents. We're not 'friends', but rather former partners dissolving a business agreement. You don't have such requirements AFAIK; you can just say goodbye and leave it at that. If you can leave it at that for a year and find, in the future, you and your ex have mutual interests over which you can be friends, that sounds cool. Give it a go. In the meantime, silence sandwich.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I now understand better why you were advising our virgin to be more persistent with his ambivalent friend. Well, I do know something about persistence coming from a guy, and how it pays off..... sorta pays off. Tell me, do you secretly like it when a man doesn't respect your wishes, like for no contact? You do understand that such a mixed message hurts only yourself, don't you? I don't know what to make of this. Do I like it? It's very confusing, because it's all email. The relationship we had was real, and very intimate. It really was hard to let go, and just as hard to hold on. Ending the relationship was a difficult thing to do. I honestly just want to do what's best. If you can leave it at that for a year and find, in the future, you and your ex have mutual interests over which you can be friends, that sounds cool. Give it a go. In the meantime, silence sandwich. Silence.... as in indifference to the subject matter and stay firm in keeping away. Maybe I'm just fooling myself then in responding.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I always get confused with these emails. Perhaps I should just block him then? If he really wants to talk, he'll call, right? This confusion is useless. I really am tired of it.
jerbear Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I always get confused with these emails. Perhaps I should just block him then? If he really wants to talk, he'll call, right? This confusion is useless. I really am tired of it. Then you are not ready to be be friends with him.
carhill Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Then you are not ready to be be friends with him. Yes, when my stbx e-mails me and comes off as 'friendly', I see it only as facilitating the divorce process in an amicable manner. She doesn't want to 'get with me'. The same goes for me. We had a lot of intimacy under the bridge in our near decade long M but that's over now. Over. Done. Gone. Acceptance
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) Okay, thank you all. I believe I've found the sense and strength to not reply to this email. NO ONE is saying it's okay to respond. I can take a clue. lol It's hard to ignore someone you once loved so much. I don't have the heart to just go NC* on him.... and make a fool out of myself because of it. I will not respond. Possibly I'll block him, will have to think about that though. * as in, "of COURSE I won't respond!" Edited December 3, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
carhill Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 As I unpack Christmas ornaments, I get this feeling of sadness from seeing them, as they are a reminder of the wonderful Christmases we (my stbx and I) spent together as a family. I got the same feeling from unwrapping some of my mom's Christmas glassware, because I know she and I will never share that kind of time again. Feeling those emotions is important. How they are acted upon is equally important. If it hadn't been for MC, I would be a mess right now. Accepting the sadness as healthy helps me get through it without the need to finish any business. Hope that makes sense.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Okay, I blocked him, too. Redirected his email address to my virus vault. lol. I don't want to see another email from him, or look for another email from him. I'm done with the email. I never call and he never calls... neither one of us cares to. We know it's over. These emails are just stupid. I really just want to move forward. I did consider staying friendly with him, but I just can't do the email thing anymore. ahhhh.... it feels good. This was a good step.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 If either of you still have feelings (in love, romantic) for each other then it is unlikely to work, I love seeing my ex, but am still in love so it's not a good idea. What would you want from the friendship? What I'm really dealing with is how smart it is to try and be friends with an ex.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 What would you want from the friendship? I don't really want the friendship, was just thinking about how to react to his emails. Blocking him is the right thing to do. It's just so hard when all those emotions begin taking over. I received the email Tuesday, didn't even think of replying yesterday... but at night I saw his dad at this seminar we are both attending and I just couldn't take it. I've been emotional ever since. So today I was thinking that I could reply and be friendly at least. But after a little LS support I believe I made the right choice.........
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