JooLee Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) i think i have a problem. I cant seem to stay attracted to only just one guy at a time. I would meet someone, would be really interested in him, then after a while it would fade and move on to someone new i'm more attracted to. I would stop seeing the previous guy but after a while i would get back into seeing him and the new one, and in the process, one more new guy in the picture. and usually the dating with previous guys would fade out as we both will lose interest in each other. in my part, i would be the one who would see them, call and text less and less. Im keeping my options open, but im starting to see a pattern here. that i keep having these guys on the side. I'm starting to think that there are probably some underlying issues to this. The fact that i cant just keep to one guy. why? Advice please! Edited December 3, 2009 by JooLee
espec10001 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You have to meet a guy who understands that mystery is an integral part of attraction. Once you figure someone out, they bore you. That's why it is always good for guys to just reveal a little about themselves, but not too much.
dazzle22 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Well if you are in your 20's that is a good thing. You need to keep your options open and gain experience so you know what you want. If however you feel you are too disconnected and can't engage normally in a relationship, the answer will lie in your home life growing up. w ere your parents disconnected? Did your family avoid intimacy or were your parents uncomfortable with real emotions? When you are young, all the demons that follow you are from home!
Author JooLee Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 yeh i suppose u can say my parents do avoid intimacy. but my parents are still together despite the affairs. i would say i have a fear of being intimate and to be close with someone emotionally as well. but there's a part of me that wants to allow myself to feel it all again. im 23 btw. i guess the real question is why im finding it difficult to just stop dating anyone and just be by myself. why am i so in need of affection, even if its temporary. im guessing thats the case since i seem to just keep on dating, not just one guy but two or three at a time. even if im the one who loses interest. can anyone give an explanation?
jerseyboy Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You are needy new relationship junkie. Im not criticizing. Most people have it at some stage, usually you outgrow it by your teens, somewherte there abouts. You like the attention, excitement and newness. And you feed off the emotions they have for you. You are allowing your happiness and self worth to be defined by how others feel for you.
espec10001 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Are you afraid of being alone? Most people jump from guy to guy or girl to girl because they are afraid of being alone and the pain that loneliness brings. In my experience it takes a long time to be completely comfortable being alone, but trust me, it is worth it. You'll discover things about yourself you never knew before!
dazzle22 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Did you say your parents are together DESPITE AFFAIRS? And not just one, but plural? There is a concept that we all form "love maps" about what we want and how to behave in relationships from a very early age, starting age 5, and what gets laid down on that "grid" that we see life through, are things we see modeled at home, and that we become "imprinted" with. Do you see any similarity between dating several guys at once and what you saw as normal at home?.... It is a good thing to strive to be comfortable alone because it gets you in touch with who you really are. Often people want to avoid this, so they jump into relationships, in your case several at once, to calm down that uncomfortable "noise" in their heads.
Author JooLee Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 thx for your replies. i suppose the excitement of getting to know someone new that im attracted to gets the best of me. anyone would right. but i dont think that i'd actually allow others to define my happiness, i believe that you gotta make yr own happiness and these guys doesnt necessarily feed my happiness. i tend to feel even more crappy at times - i hate the feeling of missing someone or wondering what he's doing. and i control myself too much in showing how i feel. anyhow, of cos most of the time i do enjoy it. and yes i do have a fear of being alone, i hate being alone. i do spend some time by myself, by listening to music reading a book, etc but most of the time i'd be finding something to do with socialising. im the worst when im alone for a long period and at times after a day or night out, i'd come home feeling lonelier than ever. what am i looking for actually? and yes the affairS. plural. i dont know how my mom does it but she told me she has come to term that my father has lost his love for her and as long as he keeps providing and taking care of us, its fine. she has given up and couldnt care less anymore. of course this frightens me, i dont want to end up in a marriage like this, and this throws my trust away in relationships and love. maybe that is why i keep jumping to one to another because i cant allow myself to fully trust and be close and intimate with a person. correct me if im wrong, but does this has to do with being a commitment phobic? im trying hard to understand my behaviour and take the steps to change. i dont want to be or feel like this forever.
callingyouuu Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 correct me if im wrong, but does this has to do with being a commitment phobic? im trying hard to understand my behaviour and take the steps to change. i dont want to be or feel like this forever. I think a big part of it has to do with being commitment-phobic. We learn a lot about how relationships work from how close our mother and father are, and I think in your situation the lack of intimacy between your parents makes it difficult for you to create that intimacy with other people because you're not familiar with anything else. I'm kind of in the same boat, though not quite to your extent. My parents from SE Asia, and the culture there doesn't really encourage married couples to show their feelings to one another. I was born in the USA where relationships are dramatically different and much more intimate, so what I've picked up from how my parents interact doesn't apply much in creating relationships of my own. What's helped me a bit is just doing a bit of reading and observing to see how loving, caring couples work. You seem young (as am I), so I don't think it's that big of a deal not to know exactly what you want yet. What's more important is that when you find something you don't want or enjoy, having the strength to leave it behind and try something new that you might actually like.
You'reasian Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 thx for your replies. i suppose the excitement of getting to know someone new that im attracted to gets the best of me. anyone would right. but i dont think that i'd actually allow others to define my happiness, i believe that you gotta make yr own happiness and these guys doesnt necessarily feed my happiness. i tend to feel even more crappy at times - i hate the feeling of missing someone or wondering what he's doing. and i control myself too much in showing how i feel. anyhow, of cos most of the time i do enjoy it. and yes i do have a fear of being alone, i hate being alone. i do spend some time by myself, by listening to music reading a book, etc but most of the time i'd be finding something to do with socialising. im the worst when im alone for a long period and at times after a day or night out, i'd come home feeling lonelier than ever. what am i looking for actually? and yes the affairS. plural. i dont know how my mom does it but she told me she has come to term that my father has lost his love for her and as long as he keeps providing and taking care of us, its fine. she has given up and couldnt care less anymore. of course this frightens me, i dont want to end up in a marriage like this, and this throws my trust away in relationships and love. maybe that is why i keep jumping to one to another because i cant allow myself to fully trust and be close and intimate with a person. correct me if im wrong, but does this has to do with being a commitment phobic? im trying hard to understand my behaviour and take the steps to change. i dont want to be or feel like this forever. Do you know what you like or want out of a relationship?
dazzle22 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 What you saw going on between your parents growing up has strongly impacted your committment phobic behavior. All families have unspoken rules, and I bet if you thought long enough you would see what they are. -one rule you learned, is don't put all your eggs in one basket like mom did. You'll end up old, alone and cheated on, so hedge your bets. -second rule: much better to be like dad than mom...bet you have vowed to "never by like my mother"...your dad has modeled behavior about "how to be" in relationship, and you can't help it, you were immersed in it from birth, so you unconsciously also play out the same script. Think of it this way: ever been a fly on the wall and watched kids "play house" with their dolls....if you want to know what is being said and done at home, just watch and listen to what kids do when they "play grownup"....see the analogy? The first step to changing patterns is to be aware of them. So now, you need to figure out what to do with your insights. Next point, it is extremely important that you spend substantial time alone, and see what "dredges up" from your unconscious. Just write it down as you feel it, don't edit it, and then look at it later. Talk about illuminating..right now you are "running away" from something by never being alone. You need to find out what that is, no matter how scary if you want to become a self aware mature person.
Tony T Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 When the right person comes along, you'll stay interested...trust me! Meantime, date around and have fun. Don't feel obligated to stay around someone you've lost the hots for. It happens all the time...even with people who are married...that's when it's scary. If the stays with you a very long time, then I would advise you to continue to enjoy the company of men but NEVER GET MARRIED. The biggest heartbreak you could ever endure is being in a marriage with two or three children and the losing it for your husband. It does happen all the time and if you have around here you can read about it often.
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